halfalife

Reading a lot of the posts in the forums, multiple per day.

Feel stuck. I'm sober with no intentions of drinking...I don't feel compelled to nor cravings.

I know the outcome will bring me backwards and I have reached a point where I have accepted that I can't drink normally. I can't ignore the truth and I've had multiple experiences that have proved that to be a reality.

High anxiety today and high stress professionally/personally. I consider myself fairly rational, but on days like today I just want to crawl in bed with a book and retreat. Can't find comfort anywhere it seems today.

SR might be the only place that understands that.

ScottFromWI

I definitely understand halfalife, I deal with anxiety myself and some days are much worse than others. And I know how it makes you feel like you just want to stay home and be totally unmotivated. Do you have any strategies for dealing with your anxiety at all? ( therapy, exercise, meditation/mindfulness , etc )? I personally found that I had to treat my anxiety as a distinct and separate issue in my life before it started getting better.

halfalife

Thanks Scott.

It's not motivation today as much as paralysis from just a lot of things in all directions. I want to feel restored and able to push through the rough days with better perspective. Now that I've stopped binging...the gym has been even more of a routine I rely on to maintain stability in my life. My nutrition and energy are mostly in sync.

Today just feels heavy, sad, maddening and after a few years of avoiding life...it's far harder. Facing it head on and very very sober is something I have to relearn.

I will probably take a short walk later, read, and try to rest early. I know I have control over my actions, choices, and even how I choose to perceive this moment, but I just feel a little ill equipped to battle the day today. If that makes sense...

PhoenixJ

SR understands. Meetings- AA/SMART do also. Just people like you and me- who get together to offer and get support by sharing/listening. A human connection. Support to you.

halfalife

Thanks Phoenix.

Hoping for a night of good rest.

Mattq2

Hey halfalife,
I have days like that as well. I never really figured out how to pull myself out of it as it was happening. I did find comfort in knowing the next day or two would be better and I would feel happiness.

I also figure its what normies call a bad day. Difference is there instincts aren't to get hammered because of it like I did.

D122y

Half,

That is part of the recovery. The hell is your AV getting weaker by the moment.

I did/do high stress exercise. It makes me feel like i am going to die.

What we feel is all in our minds.

Drinking drives folks insane. Some end up in looney bins. Some kill themselves.

I'm 2 years sober and i still suffer sometimes.

I suffered hard for over a year. Eventually, we get used to normal and it all evens out.

We need to stay clean.

Thanks.

kenton

Hey HalfaLife, I totally understand. I've got nearly 7 months sober now and what you describe still seems to come in waves. Last week, I had a couple of days of being an emotional mess. At one point I was standing in front of the mirror with tears streaming down my face, telling my reflection to "tough it out". Weird thing was, I wasn't craving alcohol. I just wanted the feelings and emotions to stop. I'm realising that I never learnt how to process emotions properly because I always got drunk. Every time I felt anything.... happy, sad, scared, lonely, jubilant, popular ....anytime I felt anything I got drunk. So now I need to learn to feel things, process it, learn from it and move on. And if I had started drinking last week (not because I wanted a drink but just to stop the feelings) I'd be back to binge drinking and hating myself this week. Instead, I'm feeling great this week. Better than I have in years. I know there'll be another wave of emotional overload heading my way soon but I also know I'm strong enough to handle it. So are you.

tomsteve

i had days i felt like that,too.
so i did just that- crawled in bed and read a book.
and started fresh the next today

LadyBlue0527

"stuck" and "what now" are common feelings. You know what I smiled at when I read your post halfalife? That the thought pattern took you to mindfulness that drinking would never be an option and then leading to wanting to crawl into bed and read a book. I get it, the make the world go away kind of day.

When this happens for me I usually find it's because I need to plan something fun. Something to give me focus. Or, sometimes it means that getting into bed with a good book (if possible) is exactly what I should do.

Sometimes we forget just how hard this work is. That allowing these feelings and doing what we need to do is the best thing.

A good book always helped me too

halfalife

Something switched in February...it has been bumpy so far, but there is no denial nor misconceptions that I can't drink.

The progression of my habit was in lockstep with progression of problems I was trying to avoid. Which has made this all the more difficult. I'm trying to work on myself and heal from a few years of chaos and do it full on sober.

I know binging will just prolong me getting past this difficult point in my life where I want so badly to overcome.

PhoenixJ

The past cannot be changed. Revisit it knowing you are safe now and growing. Make decisions based on today- that effect the now and tomorrow.

thomas11

I think sometimes just typing out our anxieties and frustrations inches us one step closer to being a little more calm and at peace with ourselves. Even if just temporarily. Regardless of the ups and downs, I believe you are doing the right thing for success over the long haul.

halfalife

Ruminations over the past is where many of us get stuck and likely revert to unproductive habits (likely drinking). Knowing full well that it keeps us stuck.

You are right. Moving on requires forgiveness and faith that good things can be on the other side of fear.

thomas11

For what its worth, I was a bad person from the ages of 24-29. A very bad person. If I hung on to the wrongdoings of those days I would have jumped off a bridge a long time ago. I try to do good each and every day. I can live with that. I think the wounds are still pretty fresh for you, I can assure you it gets better with time.

ps. In no way saying you were a "bad person", but I think you've mentioned you've had some regrets. I, on the other hand, was truly not a good person for awhile.

halfalife

My lingering in my stuck spot has to do with forgiveness, letting go, redefining where I want to be/go in the next 5-20 years, accepting myself flaws and all.

We are all flawed, struggle and certainly have done things we regret in life. I have a lot of days lately where I'm not sure on how to move forward.

Thanks T11.

Dee74

We can;t change a moment of the past. I think thats the #1 thing we need to accept.

#2 is to make amends and restitution where possible.
#3 is - where it's not possible or advisable, try and live our lives as a kind of living amends.

We're all capable of doing good and making some kind of difference.

#4 is the big one - forgiving others...and ourselves

You can't move on with your hands around someone else's neck right? Sometimes I discovered it was my own neck.

D