Confusion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 2
Confusion
My husband is a recovering alcoholic. 3 months sober. I am absolutely over the moon about it and relieved (given the years of sadness,loss and madness of active addiction) HOWEVER, we now live apart because he needs "space" he says his first priority is sobriety but that he is figuring out "who he is as a sober person"
I feel like I cannot win..hes still active as a parent (2 and 1 on the way) but ...once again im the one feeling second and hurt. I respect that he needs to maintain sobriety and be healthy but I cant help but feel like hes saying hes not sure if he wants to be with me.this hurts. Help me make sense of this. Is this common among recovering addicts? Has anyone been through this?
I feel like I cannot win..hes still active as a parent (2 and 1 on the way) but ...once again im the one feeling second and hurt. I respect that he needs to maintain sobriety and be healthy but I cant help but feel like hes saying hes not sure if he wants to be with me.this hurts. Help me make sense of this. Is this common among recovering addicts? Has anyone been through this?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome!
Yeah, it's reasonably common, and it's not necessarily that he doesn't want to be with you. And trust me, he may be doing you a HUGE favor--living with a newly sober alcoholic is no picnic. They tend to be moody and touchy and very self-absorbed. IOW--not that pleasant to be around.
Now, is it POSSIBLE he's looking for a way out of marriage? Sure, but that could be true if he were living with you, too.
My suggestion is that you take full advantage of this time to yourself to focus on your own recovery from the years of sadness, loss, and madness. Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, this is an EXCELLENT time to get started.
Glad you're here, stick around.
Yeah, it's reasonably common, and it's not necessarily that he doesn't want to be with you. And trust me, he may be doing you a HUGE favor--living with a newly sober alcoholic is no picnic. They tend to be moody and touchy and very self-absorbed. IOW--not that pleasant to be around.
Now, is it POSSIBLE he's looking for a way out of marriage? Sure, but that could be true if he were living with you, too.
My suggestion is that you take full advantage of this time to yourself to focus on your own recovery from the years of sadness, loss, and madness. Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, this is an EXCELLENT time to get started.
Glad you're here, stick around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 2
Thank you. Im really struggling with my emotions. During active addiction hes been unfaithful before and I don't know if that changed or not so reasonably...I think the worst. Someone else...doesnt love me...going to go back to drinking.im trying to let go but he's most assuredly still being selfish...not expressive towards me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ff,
He is getting help for his issues, what are you doing to help yourself? You lived with active addiction for years. If you think you are "normal" and have not been truly affected, think again. He gets all the "help" and you are just the crazy alcohlics wife.
Educate yourself. I hate to say but odds are stacked against him, of him staying sober. What will you do if he relapses? Stop obsessing over his recovery and work on you. Then you will have 2 healthy people in the marriage, not just one sober alcoholic. Glad you found us and posted. There is a lot of help out there if you choose, do the work, your worth it my friend!!
He is getting help for his issues, what are you doing to help yourself? You lived with active addiction for years. If you think you are "normal" and have not been truly affected, think again. He gets all the "help" and you are just the crazy alcohlics wife.
Educate yourself. I hate to say but odds are stacked against him, of him staying sober. What will you do if he relapses? Stop obsessing over his recovery and work on you. Then you will have 2 healthy people in the marriage, not just one sober alcoholic. Glad you found us and posted. There is a lot of help out there if you choose, do the work, your worth it my friend!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
Yes you are worth it. Alcie's (like me) know that any quality of life comes with sobriety above all else- because without it- there is no quality of life. That, however to me means different things, perhaps than your partner. You need to focus on your healing, and your family. Al-anon would be my suggestion and perhaps counselling- advice. Plus there are years and many narratives on SR- a gift of info which I certainly learn from.
Addiction is crap and it sucks. YOU do not. Do not put your life on hold. Start looking at YOUR growth and that of your children, with other supports- play groups, mother's support groups- whatever you can find. Local libraries and community centres often have stuff like that. Stay safe. Empathy and support to you.
Addiction is crap and it sucks. YOU do not. Do not put your life on hold. Start looking at YOUR growth and that of your children, with other supports- play groups, mother's support groups- whatever you can find. Local libraries and community centres often have stuff like that. Stay safe. Empathy and support to you.
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