Coffeebean9

Is it okay to ask AH if he is trying to stop drinking so much for me or for himself? I know just by watching him that he is white knuckling it, not talking to me or playing with kids.... I mean like totally ignoring my 3 year old to look at facebook. I try to put on a face and say "hey I'm cooking and LO has been asking for daddy all day".... or go show daddy you're new dress. he just doesn't even try to look half excited.... I'm starting to think he doesn't even want family life!!!

instead of drinking he has a couple nights try to smoke a little greenery instead.... I'm like seriously is it that f'n hard to just not do anything and be sober around me and kids.... I'm so fed up.

honeypig

Coffeebean, what would you hope to learn by asking? I think you've been here a little while, right? Have you had a chance to read around the forum, check the stickies? I suspect you're posting out of frustration rather than asking a genuine question...

I'm not seeing anything yet that is showing a real desire, along w/a plan, for recovery on his part, so it's not real surprising that he is acting like he's acting.

Since you can't change him, what do you think you could do for yourself?

LexieCat

Alcoholics tend to care about very little else. They are generally not pleasant living companions because they have so little to spare for anything not drinking.

So what would be the point of asking him who he's "trying" to stop drinking for? Even if he says it's for him, it's for him ONLY to the extent he wants you off his back, most likely.

Coffeebean9

I guess it's all boiling down to that if he were to get sober, is he even going to be interested in me and the kids..... I don't want to stay around and wait for change someday if maybe it's is he can't stand us.....
I never wanted kids (glad I did though) he was the one who wanted a family and children.
I stay at home with kids, I feel like he wasn't excited when i got a 3.9gpa last semester because he knows that soon once i graduate with my bachelor's he will not have all the control because I will be able to get a decent job. I think he likes that i rely on him financially. I think he thinks he's not good enough so keeping me reliant on him let's him get away with things he normally couldn't, like using the kids and finances as leverage... sounds silly maybe.

like he doesn't want me to go anywhere in fear that someone else will try and take away from him.... not because he enjoys me but that i take care of his kids and the house.... we laugh together but it's rare.
I won class clown for goodness sakes, now I can barely even get him to smile

HolyQow

I don't think I would believe my husband no matter what answer he gave. So I don't ask.

When mine stopped drinking, he became anti-social. He was Mr. Social when drinking, and had no idea how to interact with family or friends without a beer in his hand.

He is slightly better now (2yrs later), just not what I was expecting.

How long has it been since he quit? And is he going to AA?

Coffeebean9

yeah he has stopped coming to things with me nd kiddos, because he either can't drink or doesn't want to drink in front of people.
he doesn't know how to interact with people either unless bout 3-4 in... he never used to be this bad. people always ask where he is and why he doesn't show up to anything anoymore. it's embarrassing.

yeah I don't want him to get sober and I'm still unhappy.. sounds selfish but just being honest.

he is not attending AS. and he has been trying to drink every couple days (or he'll smoke) he's not really trying.

theuncertainty

Congrats on the 3.9 gpa! And on nearing completion of getting your Bachelor's degree. That's a lot of work: school, kids, home.

I don't think any of us can really tell how our loved ones will behave IF they get sober. Especially when they've been active in their addiction for a while. Heck, we can't even predict with any certainty if they'll work towards sobriety. So guessing what they may or may not want or like IF they do the work is doubly difficult.... Maybe some could. I certainly couldn't with AXH, because I don't think he was ever totally honest with me - or himself - about who he was.

It might work out better for you to ask yourself questions along the lines of: Do you think you'll be able to detach, continue on, and make the life you want for you and your kids while this is going on? If so, what steps do you need to take? If not, how long are you willing, or able, to wait before you take steps to make your life what you want?

Best wishes and congrats on the gpa, again!

BoxinRotz

If his words aren't mirroring his actions, you should believe what you see and none of what you hear!

If I tell you I'm going to cut the lawn and sit on the couch all day, did I really cut the lawn?

If I said, I paid the bills and your utilities were shut off, did I really pay the bills?!

I told you what I'm doing even though you can see I really didn't intend to because it never happened.

honeypig

CB, I know when I felt like this about XAH, I was in "poke it w/a stick" mode, feeling irritable and alone and going "Hey! Are you in there? WTF?!?", just wanting some kind of reaction, some kind of attention.

I saved this in my "Wisdom of SR" folder, posted by another member some time ago. Does any of this resonate w/you?

I know the feeling of being second choice. I don't think however that my AH UNDERSTANDS the true nature of what he is putting me through. He drinks to escape reality, so he doesn't deal with reality. Recently I started very loudly,"I AM A *REAL* PERSON WITH *REAL* FEELINGS! YOU AFFECT ME!" I could see just a glimmer of understanding in his eyes, and he quietly said,"I know."

But even with that acknowledgment I know he does not fully understand. He has lost the ability to feel empathy for the most part.

This thread also may speak to you now:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6461360

AnvilheadII

remember, he's not the only person involved here.....who KNOWS what HE is thinking. that isn't the head you need to be in.

what do YOU want? do you even like HIM? do you even want him around? have you ever SEEN him 100% clean and sober for a long period of time?

Bekindalways

Honeypig . . . . ."Poke it with a stick mode". Too funny.

Coffeebean perhaps your question is kind of the stick Honeypig is talking about.

Anyhow folks say A's are pretty wild for the first year of sobriety even if it is the start of a solid recovery.

velma929

" is it that f'n hard to just not do anything and be sober around me and kids?"

Yes, it is. It's not you, though, it whatever is going on inside his head. He's trying to anesthetize himself, from what is anyone's guess.

FallenAngelina

Not to get into his head, but perhaps to take this less personally:

Alcoholics, like many of us, often are trying to get away from childhood pain. When we form our own, new families and especially when we become parents, the new family brings up a lot of unresolved pain. It's the reminders and the echoes of childhood that he is likely trying to escape, not you and the children in particular. As Velma says, we cannot know what exactly is in his heart and mind, but usually our A loved one is dealing with massive buried pain that intimacy and family life stir up again. We can't help them with this pain because it's not about us at all and in fact, we often remind them of it. This is when our "loving detachment" works wonders for us and for them.

Coffeebean9

This was me last night, same words to a T and his words exacty "I know"... I broke down and bought the audio book "Codependent No More".

Calmly, I talked to him while sober and made it about ME and not HIS drinking. About my REACTING, my unconsciously wanting a REACTION. My inability to think about myself and how I have gotten here. WHY I chose to stay and that I am working on myself, I still love you but I need to work on ME and I don't need alcohol or any drugs to fix me, I just have to listen to what my mind and heart want to change so I can be whole again for myself and my family....because right now I'm no good for anyone... I am in crisis mode all the time, it has become so frequent dealing and thinking about his drinking I started to give up on everything. Tension headaches, loss of appetite smoking and drinking coffee, stressed, depressed ect. ..... Then add two kids and a puppy to the mix I AM A MESS. lol

Since reading it I have calmed down alittle and wanted to cry because the first story of "Jessica" ,is me. I wanted to cry when the author said this is a more serious case but still one of a codependent. It hit hard but i cont'd to listen.

Not exactly what she said but close "You have to stop worrying about why your alcoholic drinks and why they do it to hurt you, they don't ... they hate themselves" ..... as many times as I've read that on here I never listened until then. Im only on chapter 7 but ive learned so much about my behaviors and guess what I have 3.9 GPA in ((Social Work)) surprise surprise !!!! I AM CODEPENDENT. I think my childhood really did some damage, single mom and a dad not too worried about me even though I was the best athlete in my class, good grades, apart of many extracurricular activities, and class clown... just wasnt good enough for either to see me. Now I am with an alcoholic and wonder why HE cant even see me..... makes sense I guess. So now I have to see myself for what and who I truly am.

To any newcomers if you read this please get Codependent No More and just read the introduction..... maybe you will understand that yes its one more thing to do, but it just might help

LexieCat

I think it's great that you're getting those insights, but I'd be cautious about sharing them with him. You could be giving him all kinds of reasons to blame all the family problems on YOU. In truth, alcoholism affects everyone. Yes, you have issues to address, maybe co-dependency. But it's not you alone. HOWEVER, you are the only one you have any power to fix. So while it's important to keep the focus on you, don't be too quick to blame everything on your co-dependency, either. As you address that, you can make better choices, but you won't fix the alcoholism in the household.

Coffeebean9

LexieCat I realized while i was talking to him I had to tone it down and not tell him to much but he was wanting to be intimate with me and right now I just dont feel like it. I have so much pain and confusion going on with me that it is more like another chore or thing to do. Last night he didnt drink and was so pleasant with me and the kids.... I guess I just dont want to be so harsh that he resorts back to drinking because Im being so standoffish.... any advice on this?

Sex and intimacy is something I need to pull back from because to both of us I feel it has been our source of a "relationship" as the drinking got worse and conversations, outings, and reality have become so distorted. This is my main issue with "detatching". I can do it but he seems to not understand.

2ndhandrose

(((Coffeebean9)))

There is nothing that YOU do to cause him to drink.

He will drink or not drink. He may have all kinds of excuses why, and he may use you as an excuse. But he is makes his own choice.

You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.

I live by these words.

I am glad you are here

LexieCat

Bingo. If he drinks, it won't be because you "made" him drink (regardless of what he might say). Look, has living with HIS behavior caused YOU to hit the bottle?

If you don't feel like being intimate, just tell him you don't want to. If he sulks, he sulks, if he drinks, he drinks. Be true to yourself and your feelings. If he gets sober, he's got a lot of growing up to do. Not your job to do it for him.

Coffeebean9

So being intimate with my partner even though I am not really interested is kind of just giving him the power to dictate and do what he thinks he needs and not thining about my own feelings? I feel like this is true for many women not dealing with AH.... just do it to shut them up?
I dont want any harsh judgement about that statement, I've just heard older women talk about it with their husbands and I always thought it was quite comical. For my situation not so much.

BoxinRotz

I stopped having sex with my AH months before I left. He was drinking heavily and the things he'd say to me were disturbing and a huge turn off. Just imagine a man paying for sex and his request to a prostitute rather than a loving husband taking his time with his wife. I felt useless to him. Unworthy. Like a piece of garbage. At times, he made me feel like I didn't have a say so but I stood firm in telling him NO! He'd scream at me, You are my wife and you will! He threatened to get rid of my appliances that were replaced with new because I was holding out. He's tell me, I don't know any man that would but his wife a new washer n dryer! He was using sex over me to pay debts I had incurred with him even though his clothes were being done. He had a very disturbed rational that he was putting onto me and it was very uncomfortable. I knew things were turning for the worse and I had no control to stop his ways but I could control mine. I could save my self worth n respect by not allowing this drunk to take whatever he wanted from me! I've had to sleep in a separate bed so he wouldn't touch me because he was very impulsive and REPULSIVE! This is my husband I'm talking about. As much as that breaks my heart, I can not and will not let him speak to me that way or treat me like a low class ***** that doesn't matter.

Since I've left, he's asked me to lay with him and the answer is NO! He says it'll make me feel better and that just isn't true. Then he says it'll make him feel better and I tell him that I'm not going to make myself available to make you comfortable at my expense.

The way he has spoken to me and talked about how I was in bed before things went horribly wrong was like nothing was sacred. He hurt my care free spirit I had with him. I feel like I have to cover myself around him because he's taken something that was special between us and turned it into a nightmare.

I do not have to give myself to him and he does not have a right to take it! If youre not into it, you have a right to say NO! It's you're body!