I think BF might think this is a temporary sobriety..
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Seymour, CT
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I think BF might think this is a temporary sobriety..
And with that - the weekend is over and it's back to the Monday morning grind.
The weekend went well. Booze-free, productive, active, creative.. it was good.
Quick thing I noticed this morning - my cheeks are A LOT less than red and splotchy than they used to be and I feel like my dark under eye circles are the slightest bit lighter. It's been three weeks since I've had a drink, and I think it's doing wonders for my facial appearance. Anyone else notice these changes when you quit drinking so early on or is it just my eyes playing tricks on me?
Now to get to the point of the title on this post.. I was walking with my BF yesterday around our property since it was such a beautiful afternoon and the topic of my sobriety came up. We were discussing wanting to get more exercise in and I mentioned that we're ALWAYS talking about more exercise. On the rare occasion that we decide to get active, we always discuss future plans for it, but they always fall through. We never keep it up. I mentioned that I'm treating my sobriety differently than we do with exercise conversations.. I'm focusing on this moment today. "I won't drink today." Looking towards the future is just too overwhelming to really get a grasp on, but dealing with right now is easy since it's right in front of me. That's when he said, "I would like to think that in the future when you're ready, you can go back to drinking, but not have so much." I flat out said that it will never happen. I've come to terms with it and he needs to too. He's adjusting to this. I told him that me being sober is better than the alternative... me puking on the floor, toilet bowl, bath tub, etc because I had too much to drink. I don't think he understands why I can't just have one and he never will because he's not the one with the drinking problem.
Any advice on how to deal with significant others that don't quite understand the severity and are still hoping for a normal future?
The weekend went well. Booze-free, productive, active, creative.. it was good.
Quick thing I noticed this morning - my cheeks are A LOT less than red and splotchy than they used to be and I feel like my dark under eye circles are the slightest bit lighter. It's been three weeks since I've had a drink, and I think it's doing wonders for my facial appearance. Anyone else notice these changes when you quit drinking so early on or is it just my eyes playing tricks on me?
Now to get to the point of the title on this post.. I was walking with my BF yesterday around our property since it was such a beautiful afternoon and the topic of my sobriety came up. We were discussing wanting to get more exercise in and I mentioned that we're ALWAYS talking about more exercise. On the rare occasion that we decide to get active, we always discuss future plans for it, but they always fall through. We never keep it up. I mentioned that I'm treating my sobriety differently than we do with exercise conversations.. I'm focusing on this moment today. "I won't drink today." Looking towards the future is just too overwhelming to really get a grasp on, but dealing with right now is easy since it's right in front of me. That's when he said, "I would like to think that in the future when you're ready, you can go back to drinking, but not have so much." I flat out said that it will never happen. I've come to terms with it and he needs to too. He's adjusting to this. I told him that me being sober is better than the alternative... me puking on the floor, toilet bowl, bath tub, etc because I had too much to drink. I don't think he understands why I can't just have one and he never will because he's not the one with the drinking problem.
Any advice on how to deal with significant others that don't quite understand the severity and are still hoping for a normal future?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Hi Nik,
Alanon might be a good start for your BF. He will get a better understanding of your drinking and understand that it's an addiction/disease. There's a lot of information here on SR for Friends & Family.
Glad you're doing well!
Alanon might be a good start for your BF. He will get a better understanding of your drinking and understand that it's an addiction/disease. There's a lot of information here on SR for Friends & Family.
Glad you're doing well!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Keep the focus on yourself. He will come around over time. Maybe he needs to do a little homework himself on how your relationship may change a little bit. Not for better or worse, it will just be different since you are sober. Good job on getting through the weekend.
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Originally Posted by Nikkabean326 
...he said, "I would like to think that in the future when you're ready, you can go back to drinking, but not have so much." I flat out said that it will never happen.
He doesn't have to understand the severity of your problem.
You do.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Direct him to this forum? Let him read around and educate himself ? That's if he WANTS to be educated. We can no more force someone to educate themselves about sobriety that we can force an alcoholic into being sober.
You've told him anyway so it's really up to him what he wants to think, and his lack of understanding doesn't need to make any real difference to your recovery. My partner was pretty much the same. He still doesn't agree that I am an alcoholic (that would mean admitting he likely has the same problem!) But he does get that complete sobriety is non-negotiable and that I have every intention of it being permanent, and for ever and ever, AMEN!!!
Sometimes we just have to accept that other people will think what they want to think. And that what they think about us is not OUR problem but theirs.
Keep at it. BB
You've told him anyway so it's really up to him what he wants to think, and his lack of understanding doesn't need to make any real difference to your recovery. My partner was pretty much the same. He still doesn't agree that I am an alcoholic (that would mean admitting he likely has the same problem!) But he does get that complete sobriety is non-negotiable and that I have every intention of it being permanent, and for ever and ever, AMEN!!!
Sometimes we just have to accept that other people will think what they want to think. And that what they think about us is not OUR problem but theirs.
Keep at it. BB
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Glad you had a good weekend, and definitely yes on the skin issues. It's pretty amazing what your body can do once you stop pouring poison down your throat ;-)
Regarding your BF lots of good advice already - he may never fully understand your addiction. It's hard enough to accept/understand it ourselves, much less those around us. As long as YOU know that's really all that matters.
Regarding your BF lots of good advice already - he may never fully understand your addiction. It's hard enough to accept/understand it ourselves, much less those around us. As long as YOU know that's really all that matters.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
Yes your appearance should start to improve more with time. My hair is much thicker than it was two years ago.
Your boyfriend's reaction to your sobriety may just be a matter of needing more education about alcoholism. You could help him out there. But if he keeps telling you things like that it could tempt you at a vulnerable time. I think this needs to be dealt with for sure.
Your boyfriend's reaction to your sobriety may just be a matter of needing more education about alcoholism. You could help him out there. But if he keeps telling you things like that it could tempt you at a vulnerable time. I think this needs to be dealt with for sure.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Curious...why is that important to him?
I don't drink milk or soda, ever. I would be shocked if someone ever said, "I hope some day you'll have a Pepsi again."
So, what's behind that?
You handled it just fine, of course and good for you.
I don't drink milk or soda, ever. I would be shocked if someone ever said, "I hope some day you'll have a Pepsi again."
So, what's behind that?
You handled it just fine, of course and good for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Seymour, CT
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Curious...why is that important to him?
I don't drink milk or soda, ever. I would be shocked if someone ever said, "I hope some day you'll have a Pepsi again."
So, what's behind that?
You handled it just fine, of course and good for you.
I don't drink milk or soda, ever. I would be shocked if someone ever said, "I hope some day you'll have a Pepsi again."
So, what's behind that?
You handled it just fine, of course and good for you.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
I think it is a good idea for your bf to have a bit of knowledge/education on the subject.
From a normal drinkers perspective, they don't get that my "off" switch is permanently broken regarding alcohol. That there will never be a time that I will be able to control it. Unless, they have had a reason to become informed about addiction, they don't know.
I say, Knowledge is Power!
From a normal drinkers perspective, they don't get that my "off" switch is permanently broken regarding alcohol. That there will never be a time that I will be able to control it. Unless, they have had a reason to become informed about addiction, they don't know.
I say, Knowledge is Power!
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
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Before I found out about my own alcoholism I was hoping that my recovering alcoholic BF would drink again one day in the future. Not because I wanted him to suffer or not to succeed in sobriety. But I didn't understand the concept of alcoholism, it's progressive nature and that you'll continue right where you stopped once you pick up again. I just couldn't understand that. And I hoped that he'd drink again cause it felt weird to drink around him when he wasn't. And I couldn't imagine a life without booze for myself.
I started to hide and lie about my own drinking because drinking in front of a recovering alcoholic made me feel so uncomfortable and judged.
I started to hide and lie about my own drinking because drinking in front of a recovering alcoholic made me feel so uncomfortable and judged.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
You are not alone!!!
Many of us have dealt with this before. I have posted about it a lot. Come here for support and as it has been said: He doesn't have to understand. You do. I totally get it. My hubby and I were also drinking buds and he really missed it for a while it I think he is staring to see the light...
Hope to see you around.
Many of us have dealt with this before. I have posted about it a lot. Come here for support and as it has been said: He doesn't have to understand. You do. I totally get it. My hubby and I were also drinking buds and he really missed it for a while it I think he is staring to see the light...
Hope to see you around.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
It's just not something he can "get" because he doesn't operate this way.
You know yourself best, and it's really up to you what you do in the future.
People who can drink without it taking them over can not understand why it is something you have to say good bye to forever.
My mother used to ask me if I thought I could just moderate my drinking, maybe have one glass of wine.. things have transgressed that have convinced her that I can't.. um.. maybe sometimes it's better if our loved ones aren't as totally convinced as we are..
You know yourself best, and it's really up to you what you do in the future.
People who can drink without it taking them over can not understand why it is something you have to say good bye to forever.
My mother used to ask me if I thought I could just moderate my drinking, maybe have one glass of wine.. things have transgressed that have convinced her that I can't.. um.. maybe sometimes it's better if our loved ones aren't as totally convinced as we are..
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Join Date: Dec 2016
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I respectfully disagree with those who suggest that it isn't important for your boyfriend to fully understand and appreciate your commitment to a lifetime of sobriety. This is the person that, presumably, you intend to spend the rest of your life with; in my view, it is critically important that he accepts that you cannot ever drink again.
Like you, my relationship with my SO was partially built around booze. One of our best early trips together was a weekend in Napa Valley, visiting vineyards and drinking a lot. Many other aspects of our relationship were built around, or at least included, drinking. Now that I am sober, she knows that Napa trips and other alcohol-driven activities are no longer in the cards for us. Fortunately for me, she likes me a lot better sober, so she is perfectly willing to give up that small part of our relationship for me. She still drinks occasionally, but she knows that I can't and she supports me.
I believe that I have reached a point in my sobriety where it depends on nobody but me. But it has taken a long time to get there and, frankly, I feel better knowing that my spouse is there for me to support my efforts to always refrain from drinking. If I ever do get to that ledge where I am about to drink, it is comforting knowing that the person in my life that I am closest to will help pull me back from the ledge instead of shoving me off of it. She is my parachute - I don't think I'll ever need to use it, but it is damn comforting knowing it's there.
As such, I think it is very important for your boyfriend to not only accept that this is a lifetime decision for you but to fully support that decision and make the small sacrifices necessary to do so. Fortunately, it seems as though your boyfriend has been very supportive of you so far, so it would seem like this is more of an educational issue than anything else.
Just my $.02. Good luck.
Like you, my relationship with my SO was partially built around booze. One of our best early trips together was a weekend in Napa Valley, visiting vineyards and drinking a lot. Many other aspects of our relationship were built around, or at least included, drinking. Now that I am sober, she knows that Napa trips and other alcohol-driven activities are no longer in the cards for us. Fortunately for me, she likes me a lot better sober, so she is perfectly willing to give up that small part of our relationship for me. She still drinks occasionally, but she knows that I can't and she supports me.
I believe that I have reached a point in my sobriety where it depends on nobody but me. But it has taken a long time to get there and, frankly, I feel better knowing that my spouse is there for me to support my efforts to always refrain from drinking. If I ever do get to that ledge where I am about to drink, it is comforting knowing that the person in my life that I am closest to will help pull me back from the ledge instead of shoving me off of it. She is my parachute - I don't think I'll ever need to use it, but it is damn comforting knowing it's there.
As such, I think it is very important for your boyfriend to not only accept that this is a lifetime decision for you but to fully support that decision and make the small sacrifices necessary to do so. Fortunately, it seems as though your boyfriend has been very supportive of you so far, so it would seem like this is more of an educational issue than anything else.
Just my $.02. Good luck.
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^^^ Agree with soberandhonest here. If this man is going to be your life partner, it's quite important that he develops a real understanding of your decision, why you made it, and why you are making a commitment to never drink again. If you were talking about someone who is just a friend, or even someone who is a family member, I'd say it's not quite as important that they fully understand.
Oh, and as far as hoping for a "normal" future - normal is subjective. Early on, I used to wish I could just be "normal" and drink without consequences. After almost two and a half years, I no longer wish for that. My new normal is sobriety. It would be pretty abnormal for me to drink now, and I'd say most people who know me are so used to the sober me that they would find it abnormal also.
Oh, and as far as hoping for a "normal" future - normal is subjective. Early on, I used to wish I could just be "normal" and drink without consequences. After almost two and a half years, I no longer wish for that. My new normal is sobriety. It would be pretty abnormal for me to drink now, and I'd say most people who know me are so used to the sober me that they would find it abnormal also.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Hi Nikka,
I think this is a natural reaction from him. I got the same from various family members, and I don't think your boyfriend is doing this because he wants you to drink again, but because he may not know the extent of your problem.
This was definitely the case for me, and explaining it in as much detail as needed worked with everyone.
It will get easier for him to get it as you build some more sober time, and eventually things will settle and it will feel natural for both of you.
Well done on 3 weeks by the way, in my opinion you just went past the worst bit of recovery!
Mr P
I think this is a natural reaction from him. I got the same from various family members, and I don't think your boyfriend is doing this because he wants you to drink again, but because he may not know the extent of your problem.
This was definitely the case for me, and explaining it in as much detail as needed worked with everyone.
It will get easier for him to get it as you build some more sober time, and eventually things will settle and it will feel natural for both of you.
Well done on 3 weeks by the way, in my opinion you just went past the worst bit of recovery!
Mr P
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Originally Posted by soberandhonest
I respectfully disagree with those who suggest that it isn't important for your boyfriend to fully understand and appreciate your commitment to a lifetime of sobriety. This is the person that, presumably, you intend to spend the rest of your life with; in my view, it is critically important that he accepts that you cannot ever drink again.
Yes, honesty and openness is imperative. But as far as getting him to understand? We may never understand this and you have ZERO control over this! That is what people mean when they say it's not important - they are saying that in the "pick your battles" sense.
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