viola71

So if this gets posted 2x I apologize the first one disappeared. So my daughter and I are staying at our farm and my AH is staying at the house in the city. I have been driving my daughter 17- an hour each morning to get to school and then back again at the end of the day, she is a junior in high school. AH has been calling and texting her non stop since we moved out. I have gone no contact with him except in writing about logistics. She decided yesterday to call him. I can't believe the selfish manipulative things he is saying to our daughter. "When I was your age my father was dying of cancer.", "Since you and your mother moved out I am completely alone I have no one." Phone call ended in tears, he still is justifying and taking absolutely no responsibility and of course he is the victim. I told my daughter she is in charge of contact not him, it is her choice on her time and that I will back her up no matter what. Its just so damn hard to sit back and watch the realization come over her that her dad is sick and there is absolutely nothing we can do. I didn't grow up in addiction I have no idea how painful it is for my kids, I can only imagine. Thank you for the support and if anyone is in a similar position I cannot stress enough how wonderful no contact is for clearing the mind. My AH is so smooth with his words and delivers them with sincerity, but with no contact I can step back and see the sickness in the light of day. Just pray for my kids please.

hopeful4

I am so sorry for your daughter. My children are 17 and 11 and my XAH manipulates EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION he has with them. It's disgusting, and so hurtful.

I can only say be thankful your child is of the age that she can see who he is, and will be able to decide for herself if she wants a relationship with him, or not. My X is the exact same, NOTHING is ever his own fault, he is a professional victim, has been his entire life.

Keep up the no contact for yourself.

Hugs.

dandylion

viola....I get it that you don't want to "control" her relationship with her father....and, I agree with you, in principle....
I do have another thought that I would like to pass in front of you....since his use of his time communicating with her to excess, and is being sooo manipulative to the point of deliberately putting a guilt trip on her and trying to make you a bad guy and putting her in the middle....
Could this not disturb her and trigger some caretaking rile for her....I mean, you know hoe difficult he has made life for you---would it not be the same for her, now? You were able to get advice from us in your pain....
My point of this, is this: While you don't want to control her, in this matter....you are still the mother...and she is just 17yrs.....and still needs your advice and wisdom...as a consultant in her life....
How about suggesting to her that she make some sort of schedule with her father, to place some boundaries. Like, maybe, just a few, short, conversations in a week....and testing only once, at, say six o'clock ...so she can get her schoolwork, etc, done....
I would say that she is a perfect candidate for Alateen.....if there are any in your community....she would surely benefit from it....

viola71

Yes Dandelion she has been to alateen and alanon and is seeing a therapist. I will suggest that she set a schedule for a certain time and day and if she chooses not to use it then thats fine also. I have told her I have her back no matter what, I will have the conversation for her if need be. I working very hard to support her where she is at while not saying anything to damage any relationship ( I have seen this backfire before) I simply ask her how she feels about what she tells me of the conversations and give her lots of hugs. I am on my way to the therapist today for advice. I just hate everything about this uuggghhh.