Elctrcldylnd

Hi everyone,

I am feeling really low lately and could use some advice. Here's my story.

I've been married to my husband for almost 7 years. During those years, we had a lot fun most of which involved alcohol. When his mother died, he went into the deep end and would drink every day pretty heavily. I didn't know what to do given his loss. I've pleaded with him to talk to a counselor but he has not done anything. When his mom was on her deathbed I found out I was pregnant. Since being pregnant I dialed down my drinking to one or two drinks per week and have chosen a healthier lifestyle. While I was pregnant he would drink heavily. After the birth of our daughter, I remember he would leave me alone with her for hours to do "yard work" when he was actually drinking. He'd come home barely able to walk and slurring his words. As time progressed, he's been getting worse. He has passed out doing "yard work", broke his ankle while drunk, is losing his memory etc.

I recently gave birth to #2 and prior to that I discovered he was hiding bottles on me. I have even found out he's been drinking while picking up my daughter (he takes a shooter and throws it out of the window). When #2 was born, he was home alone with #1 and I found out he went on a bender and passed out while he was supposed to be watching her! Our dysfunctional cycle is usually me ignoring it until something bad happens, I get upset and go on a tirade and use threats, then I plead, he tells me he will cut down, he cuts down for a day or two and then it just goes back to where it is. Because of his behavior, we are usually dealing with his drunkenness or hangovers so our weekends are pretty sad.

My parents recently moved here to help us out but this has only contributed to more heavy drinking due to their dysfunctional relationship. Yesterday I found numerous bottles around the house including one in his car. This shakes me to my core thinking my husband is driving around intoxicated. I always believed him when he would tell me he would never drink and drive but now I'm not so sure.

I believe that I am now dealing with postpartum depression/ anxiety. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I feel like the worst mother in the world. He's a great father and he helps out a lot around the house but his drinking has been tearing us apart. I don't know what to do anymore. Stage an intervention? I don't know if it's alcohol abuse or alcoholism but I'm guessing it's the latter? Anyways, I guess I'm reaching out for some support. It's hard for me to attend al-anon meetings with two small children at home and I cannot trust my husband with the baby. Thanks for reading and for your feedback.

AnvilheadII

He's a great father

I have even found out he's been drinking while picking up my daughter (he takes a shooter and throws it out of the window). When #2 was born, he was home alone with #1 and I found out he went on a bender and passed out while he was supposed to be watching her!

even average dad's don't drink before picking up their CHILDREN, or pass out while watching them. that is inexcusable behavior. he put the child's safety in jeopardy so he could DRINK.

PhoenixJ

What do you need to do to ensure your children's safety? Hope and good intentions without action on his behalf are not enough. Perhaps another place to live?? Difficult- but safety is important. Perhaps talk to a profssional about this. Empathy and support to you. Pj

Bekindalways

Welcome Elctr . . . and so glad you found us. There is lots of good support here.

With two small children and a drinking husband, you have lots on your plate.

I can understand that you can't find the time to get to an Alanon meeting. You might look for the book Codependent No More. For alcoholics there is not much any of us can do; however there is lots you can do for yourself.

I hope you keep posting. This is a very difficult situation you are in.

honeypig

Welcome to SR from another Hendrix fan, electrc. I'm hoping that someone w/firsthand experience w/interventions can chime in on that part of your question. In the meantime, you can use the search feature here to look for posts/threads containing the term "intervention."

Regarding "alcohol abuse vs alcoholism", what you'll hear here is that the label doesn't matter. If his drinking is causing problems, THAT is all that matters, not what you call it.

Anvilhead quoted 2 contradictory statements from your post. I'm going to mention 2 more:

but yet

So what I see here is that you do know that he is driving drunk, but that for a whole lot of reasons, you need to tell yourself that he's not, or maybe he's not, or maybe not that often, or maybe he's not THAT drunk when he drives and it will be OK...

I don't point that out to condemn or embarrass you but to try to show you how your perceptions are confused and how actions and perceptions just don't match up. And guess what? You are SO not alone w/that. It certainly was my own situation when I was new here, too.

I hope you can find the time to do as much reading as possible here. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page; you can find a ton of education and inspiration there. Alanon can be a tremendous resource for you. I know you mentioned you can't to a meeting b/c of your children, but many meetings in my area offer child care for a nominal rate, usually $1 per child, for the duration of the meeting. If the youngest is too little for that, see if the meeting you want to attend is OK w/you bringing the baby along (call your area's central office--you should be able to find the info online). In my experience, Alanon is much more interested in helping people than in making rigid rules that make it harder to access that help.

There are also phone and online meetings, although to me, they seemed to lose something when not done face-to-face. Your experience may be different than mine, though, if you go this route.

I hope you continue to read and post here. There is help for you and your kids.

Sasha4

If it was me I would him need to ask him to leave the house and sort it out himself.

I'm sad to say he is an adult and if this is what he wants to do you have to let him.
You do not have to witness this behaviour and you have the right to request he does not drink near you or your kids or in your home.

He is not your 3rd child.
You cannot make him stop drinking.
You cannot drag him to therapy and sort him out and keep sweeping the house for empty bottles and and any other bad secret.

The reason why?
Because you are a mum (I'm UK).

It does not matter what job you have in the future.
Where you are in the future.
Which adult you are with in the future.
First and foremost, you are a mum. You will always be a mum.
Nothing is more important than that role you have taken.

You have a new baby and a little girl.
You need to nourish those 2 lives, not look for bottles and others evidence.

When my partner left, I was devastated. My daughter was 3 months old.
I was scared. I was tearful.
But I coped.
In fact it was an easier, nicer experience without him there.
You will never get this baby time back.
He might have spoilt it for himself, but don't let him spoil it for you yep?
Or the grandparents or the new big sister.

What he has done in the past is gone now. There is no point analysing actions anymore.
However past behaviour is generally a good predicator of future behaviour.

I really wish you the best.
I send you strength and love.
I am from the other side.
My daughter has never seen me drink.
I gave up drinking 5 years ago this Feb 2017 - because first and foremost I am a mum.

Love always xx

Elctrcldylnd

I agree it is inexcusable. And I think I've enabled this behavior which makes me feel like a horrible mom. Partly because I've been told I've been too controlling by my own family members (brother, sister and father who are also alcoholics). In order to cope, I've built these narratives that place less emphasis on his drinking and more on his role as a dad which I realize is dangerous. I feel responsible for bringing my children into this mess. They didn't ask for it and yet here they are.

honeypig

You're looking for help, which is your very first step towards making the situation better. Please, don't waste time or energy beating yourself up over mistakes that have been made. Like you'll hear around here, "when we know better, then we do better." If you grew up in an alcoholic household, you likely didn't have any healthy role models, so how on earth could you know healthy ways to live?

Again, I hope you keep reading and posting, and that you check into Alanon. You absolutely have it in your power to make a good life for yourself and your children.

PuzzledHeart

Does it matter what it is? You could call it a kangaroo in a yellow jumper for what it's worth. The important thing is that it's affecting you and your children. Don't waste time trying to label it especially if he doesn't want to do anything about it. Take care of the here and now.

Many moms wonder if they're the worst mothers in the world. But as one of the many wise people on SR has said, feelings are not facts.

The fact is that you have reached out to people here to sort things out. Most of us have gone through this dance one way or another. A couple folks here are recovering addicts and can provide you with additional wisdom. You are in the right place, at the right time, and you are acknowledging that there is a problem.

So many people don't even get to that step. My extended family continues to deny my cousin's obvious issues even though he sent his sibling to foster care and the mother of his own child to the hospital. It is amazing how the power of denial can distort reality.

But you are seeing the truth and you are beginning to look at it square in the face.

Anvilhead is right. Great fathers don't prioritize the bottle over their children. The sooner you get over the notion that he is a great dad BUT... the better off you and your children will be.

Look nobody's putting a gun to his head and forcing him to drink from a bottle. Nobody is forcing him to cope with life by making him drink. He is drunk because he chooses to be drunk. The fact that he engages in a relationship with alcohol to get him through the day is totally on him. The sooner he takes responsibility for his actions the better off he'll be.

If he can't do that, you have to decide if this man is good enough to be the father to your children. Please don't get into the mindset that any man will do. You and your kids deserve more than that. I'm sure there are many people here who would agree that it is better to live without an alcoholic father than it is to live with one.

FreeOwl

I have been your husband.

I wasn't able to see how my own patterns of alcohol addiction were contributing to the awful marriage I was in. I wasn't able to see how I was trying to medicate my own emotional turmoil with booze and drugs.

My wife made a really poor choice. She stole the children and ran off. She had her own baggage and issues that were contributing to the situation. I divorced her. But even then, I didn't face up to my drinking.

It was only a couple of years after the divorce, after a second DUI and the threat of losing custody of my children, that I finally faced reality and embraced sobriety.

That was long after MANY attempts at getting me to change, interventions, efforts to get me to see - on the part of a number of people who cared about me.

Here's my point; your husband is unlikely to change based on anything you can do or say. Your number one priority with an alcoholic should be to care for yourself and for your children. It may well be that means you need to make a very difficult decision and leave him. Or divorce him and force him to leave through legal means. If it comes to that, do it with integrity and purpose. Don't try to steal the kids or manipulate the situation. Get an attorney, present your concerns for the children's safety, prepare your evidence, and tell him clearly and openly why it is you have to divorce him. Tell him you love him and it breaks your heart but until he's ready to address his issues you've got to protect yourself and the children.

The only thing that makes an alcoholic / addict change is their own consequences becoming painful enough that they eventually choose to change.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation..

FreeOwl

PS, the only difference between "alcohol abuse" and "alcoholism" is two letters, a space, and time.

If "alcohol abuse" is impairing one's life, endangering others, creating problems in relationships, and negatively impacting a person and those in that person's life - then it's already "alcoholism". It only gets worse from there.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome.

I agree with the other posters. It's easy to sit around and beat yourself up for not realizing sooner what was going on, but that helps nobody. Most of us aren't prepared to face the realization of what is going on in our relationship with an alcoholic, any more than the alcoholic is able to face the reality of his/her condition.

Apart from making sure he's not solely responsible for the care of the children when he can't be trusted not to drink, you don't have to decide anything permanent immediately. I'd suggest learning all you can about alcoholism--not to get him sober, because it's not in your power to do that, but so you can know what it is you are dealing with.

I'd also suggest finding an Al-Anon meeting. Some groups have childcare and others don't object to young kids at the meeting as long as you take them outside if they become disruptive. It can be an absolute lifeline (it was for me) and help you get your head clear so you can make good choices for your future.

Another thing you should do is to talk with a lawyer. Many provide free initial consultations, and getting information doesn't commit you to doing anything unless/until you are ready. But finding out what would be involved in a divorce/separation can help ease some of your fears and give you a realistic idea of what is involved so you can do some planning, just in case it comes to that.

Glad you're here--hope you stick around.

Elctrcldylnd

Thanks for everyone's heartfelt messages and support. The day after posting this I sat in the bed with him that morning and told him that he needs to quit drinking. I told him that this has become too large for him to control and cited specific example of his injuries and dangers he has posed to our kids. He listened intently and said nothing but "ok I will work on it". Since then he's been cutting down his drinking dramatically with one beer last night. But I've seen this song and dance before so I've been doing the work for him in seeking help from a psych. He doesn't think our insurance covers it. His typical responses for not seeing one is "we have no money" (I found one that accepts our insurance). I stop short of calling and scheduling an appointment since that's on him to do that and take that step. If he wants help he will seek it. I just wanted to pave the path for him.

So we will see if he wants to change. AH expressed his concern this weekend when my brother (who is also an alcoholic) is coming over for AH's birthday. He did say he wanted to speak to my brother about keeping the hard liquor out of it and just stick with beer. At least he's thinking it ahead of time. Not sure what happens this weekend and after this weekend if he will take a more aggressive approach to his sobriety but I think it is going to be a rough path ahead.

Personally I don't want to divorce bc I don't think right now that's the answer. If the guy is sick I need to at least exhaust everything I can to try to make him better bc that's what I vowed to him. We have a pretty good relationship otherwise (at least that's what I think) and two lovely children. I want to make this work.

LexieCat

Nobody's suggesting you have to leave this minute.

HOWEVER, you need to get those thoughts about "exhaust everything I can try to make him better." It's not within your power to do that. Alcoholism doesn't work that way. It's not like researching the top cancer doctor to find the procedure that will save his life. He's gotta want to save his own life. And if he wants to do that, AA is free and works for tons of people. My first husband has been sober 37 years, I've been sober for eight. It's hard work but it requires WILLINGNESS, and without that, the best rehab in the world won't make him better.

dandylion

Elctr.....AA is free....

Forward12

In all honestly you are you the sick one in this mess. Get healthy, and raise your children in a healthy environment.

PhoenixJ

prayers and support to you. I hope SR and the many narratives here can help you.

Lilro

Good morning Love. I must weigh in here.....

His " only drinking beer" is NOT working on it. It is however biding time. YOUR time. If he took anything that you said serious he would get himself some help, REAL help. Don't fall for it. It is not your job to seek help for him, that's his and ALL his. Your job is to look after yourself and your darling children.
Keep reading around, learn all you can on alcoholism for yourself, so YOU are empowered to make the correct dicisions from this point forward for YOURSELF and your KIDS. Don't look back, there's nothing you can do to change that. What you can do is move forward with knowledge.
We are here for you. Keep your head up.
Ro
P.S. Do yourself a favor and drop the whole marriage vow excuse. I don't see anything about honoring and protecting happening with his actions.

maia1234

E,
You sound like a wonderful wife and mom; that only wants to help her husband get well. The problem is, that this is your problem not his. He doesn’t have a problem with his drinking, you do. So feeling the need to help him with his problem, doesn't really exist to him. There is a lot of spouses and family members who have walked their addicts into rehab, expecting them to get fixed. It's not going to work, and it's nothing but a waste of money, if they don't choose to be there. They need to grow up, sober up and work a program, that is what sobriety is all about. I don't think only drinking beer is any where near what you are looking at for a healthy dad/husband.

Showing him, telling him, screaming at him, pleading with him, threatening him, it just doesn't work. (I tried for 34 years). Let him be, and work on something you do have control over, and that is you. Do it for your baby's, they deserve one healthy parent. Give him to God to watch over and you make arrangements to never leave your precious baby's alone with him again, till you know you can trust him.

Lilro

Oh and sorry... I spelled decisions incorrectly, lol. No judgement! It's early!!