Dangerous emotions...what do you do with them?
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Dangerous emotions...what do you do with them?
I'm such a nerd that I'm trying to do this like it's a freakin' school project or something. I'm so irritated at myself for having probably understandable and predictable feelings today. I thought I was doing so well! Plus, my pride has been injured by all this and it makes me mad to feel this way.
I really really miss him. I'm sad.
Not the crack addict version, the pre-relapse version. The pre-pre-relapse version. The him that was before October or November last year. I don't think I'd really realized how much of him I had lost by the time February rolled around and everything went crazy with the crack using part of the relapse.
It makes me angry to feel this way. I feel discarded these past few months and my ego is wounded. Besides, remembering how much we had when times were better feels really dangerous. It makes me vulnerable to this version of him. I know intellectually that that guy is never coming back. If he beats the odds and actually gets into recovery, that marriage and that guy are still gone. The grief of that just hit me all over again today. When I was drunkenly burning wedding photos last Sunday (lol), towards the end of my rant at him was "You're dead, I'm dead, everything we were is dead!". And hell, that was true.
So I'm badly missing someone who doesn't exist anymore. I detached pretty well from whomever he was before he left, but I don't think I detached any from who he was to me before. I am positive I'm not alone in that on these boards. What do you do with that feeling to keep yourself safe from future manipulation? Or does that just take time to work through?
I really really miss him. I'm sad.
Not the crack addict version, the pre-relapse version. The pre-pre-relapse version. The him that was before October or November last year. I don't think I'd really realized how much of him I had lost by the time February rolled around and everything went crazy with the crack using part of the relapse.
It makes me angry to feel this way. I feel discarded these past few months and my ego is wounded. Besides, remembering how much we had when times were better feels really dangerous. It makes me vulnerable to this version of him. I know intellectually that that guy is never coming back. If he beats the odds and actually gets into recovery, that marriage and that guy are still gone. The grief of that just hit me all over again today. When I was drunkenly burning wedding photos last Sunday (lol), towards the end of my rant at him was "You're dead, I'm dead, everything we were is dead!". And hell, that was true.
So I'm badly missing someone who doesn't exist anymore. I detached pretty well from whomever he was before he left, but I don't think I detached any from who he was to me before. I am positive I'm not alone in that on these boards. What do you do with that feeling to keep yourself safe from future manipulation? Or does that just take time to work through?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, when we are with someone, we have a vision of how our life will be.
That vision sustains us, and we beat on, boats against the current, toward the happily-ever-after shore.
Even when reality gives us a hard smack, and we realize that the person we so loved has been taken away by addiction, we are reluctant to give up the vision.
We aren't blind. We have thrown away the rose colored glasses, but the vision of what might have been persists.
It's grief, really. Mourning the loss of love.
It will be okay at some point. One foot in front of the other. Next right thing, and all that.
Peace.
That vision sustains us, and we beat on, boats against the current, toward the happily-ever-after shore.
Even when reality gives us a hard smack, and we realize that the person we so loved has been taken away by addiction, we are reluctant to give up the vision.
We aren't blind. We have thrown away the rose colored glasses, but the vision of what might have been persists.
It's grief, really. Mourning the loss of love.
It will be okay at some point. One foot in front of the other. Next right thing, and all that.
Peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Well, when we are with someone, we have a vision of how our life will be.
That vision sustains us, and we beat on, boats against the current, toward the happily-ever-after shore.
Even when reality gives us a hard smack, and we realize that the person we so loved has been taken away by addiction, we are reluctant to give up the vision.
We aren't blind. We have thrown away the rose colored glasses, but the vision of what might have been persists.
It's grief, really. Mourning the loss of love.
It will be okay at some point. One foot in front of the other. Next right thing, and all that.
Peace.
That vision sustains us, and we beat on, boats against the current, toward the happily-ever-after shore.
Even when reality gives us a hard smack, and we realize that the person we so loved has been taken away by addiction, we are reluctant to give up the vision.
We aren't blind. We have thrown away the rose colored glasses, but the vision of what might have been persists.
It's grief, really. Mourning the loss of love.
It will be okay at some point. One foot in front of the other. Next right thing, and all that.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 63
Hi Deelilah
It's a real wake-up call isn't it? One good thing is though, when we actually realise and connect to the fact that the man we once loved is no longer that person, it means we are getting better. It can take a very long time to make that connection and it sounds like you have. Granted it still hurts, we feel disappointment, loss, frustration and a whole load of other emotions. But when we feel them and nurture them they are not as severe the next time one of them re-surfaces. We then get stronger and stronger.
I think you are right where you should be and doing a great job of it. Much love to you xxx
It's a real wake-up call isn't it? One good thing is though, when we actually realise and connect to the fact that the man we once loved is no longer that person, it means we are getting better. It can take a very long time to make that connection and it sounds like you have. Granted it still hurts, we feel disappointment, loss, frustration and a whole load of other emotions. But when we feel them and nurture them they are not as severe the next time one of them re-surfaces. We then get stronger and stronger.
I think you are right where you should be and doing a great job of it. Much love to you xxx
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I had much worse thoughts during my divorce. Horrible things that I had no where to put them, so I get what you're saying.
I did a lot of journalling. So much came out in those journals, things I felt I could never say to another person. It helped a lot, because even when I was feeling most venomous or vulnerable (both dangerous - and I went back and forth in seconds, sometimes), the entry would invariably turn to healing before I stopped writing. It showed me that I was made of forgiveness and love, but that I had a limit.
I think it's great that you're writing about it. It's how I process things that are super painful.
I did a lot of journalling. So much came out in those journals, things I felt I could never say to another person. It helped a lot, because even when I was feeling most venomous or vulnerable (both dangerous - and I went back and forth in seconds, sometimes), the entry would invariably turn to healing before I stopped writing. It showed me that I was made of forgiveness and love, but that I had a limit.
I think it's great that you're writing about it. It's how I process things that are super painful.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Deelilah,
I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling. My ex-husband is also an addict. It's horrible finding out the life you thought you had together was a lie. I look back on all the signs and think, "How could I have been so blind?"
Even though you've burned wedding pictures, it sounds like you are still somewhat wavering about your decision- worried that you might be manipulated again. Or maybe you're worried about being manipulated in your next relationship?
Are you working a recovery program? I attend CR, which has helped immensely. But what's been even more helpful is my step study- it's much more intimate. It's so good to have a group of women to talk over my issues with. When I was with my ex, I bottled up all my fears and frustrations. It wasn't until my first step study that I realized how messed up things really were. Everything was right there on paper- and as they say, paper don't lie!
I hope you are making time to really work through this. You've been through a traumatic situation. Make sure you're getting the help you need.
All the best.
I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling. My ex-husband is also an addict. It's horrible finding out the life you thought you had together was a lie. I look back on all the signs and think, "How could I have been so blind?"
Even though you've burned wedding pictures, it sounds like you are still somewhat wavering about your decision- worried that you might be manipulated again. Or maybe you're worried about being manipulated in your next relationship?
Are you working a recovery program? I attend CR, which has helped immensely. But what's been even more helpful is my step study- it's much more intimate. It's so good to have a group of women to talk over my issues with. When I was with my ex, I bottled up all my fears and frustrations. It wasn't until my first step study that I realized how messed up things really were. Everything was right there on paper- and as they say, paper don't lie!
I hope you are making time to really work through this. You've been through a traumatic situation. Make sure you're getting the help you need.
All the best.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
So I'm badly missing someone who doesn't exist anymore. I detached pretty well from whomever he was before he left, but I don't think I detached any from who he was to me before.
You do very well at identifying what is wrong, I think you are a clearer thinker than you know. That's a good thing, even if reality stinks.
Hugs
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I had much worse thoughts during my divorce. Horrible things that I had no where to put them, so I get what you're saying.
I did a lot of journalling. So much came out in those journals, things I felt I could never say to another person. It helped a lot, because even when I was feeling most venomous or vulnerable (both dangerous - and I went back and forth in seconds, sometimes), the entry would invariably turn to healing before I stopped writing. It showed me that I was made of forgiveness and love, but that I had a limit.
I think it's great that you're writing about it. It's how I process things that are super painful.
I did a lot of journalling. So much came out in those journals, things I felt I could never say to another person. It helped a lot, because even when I was feeling most venomous or vulnerable (both dangerous - and I went back and forth in seconds, sometimes), the entry would invariably turn to healing before I stopped writing. It showed me that I was made of forgiveness and love, but that I had a limit.
I think it's great that you're writing about it. It's how I process things that are super painful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
Deelilah,
I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling. My ex-husband is also an addict. It's horrible finding out the life you thought you had together was a lie. I look back on all the signs and think, "How could I have been so blind?"
Even though you've burned wedding pictures, it sounds like you are still somewhat wavering about your decision- worried that you might be manipulated again. Or maybe you're worried about being manipulated in your next relationship?
Are you working a recovery program? I attend CR, which has helped immensely. But what's been even more helpful is my step study- it's much more intimate. It's so good to have a group of women to talk over my issues with. When I was with my ex, I bottled up all my fears and frustrations. It wasn't until my first step study that I realized how messed up things really were. Everything was right there on paper- and as they say, paper don't lie!
I hope you are making time to really work through this. You've been through a traumatic situation. Make sure you're getting the help you need.
All the best.
I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling. My ex-husband is also an addict. It's horrible finding out the life you thought you had together was a lie. I look back on all the signs and think, "How could I have been so blind?"
Even though you've burned wedding pictures, it sounds like you are still somewhat wavering about your decision- worried that you might be manipulated again. Or maybe you're worried about being manipulated in your next relationship?
Are you working a recovery program? I attend CR, which has helped immensely. But what's been even more helpful is my step study- it's much more intimate. It's so good to have a group of women to talk over my issues with. When I was with my ex, I bottled up all my fears and frustrations. It wasn't until my first step study that I realized how messed up things really were. Everything was right there on paper- and as they say, paper don't lie!
I hope you are making time to really work through this. You've been through a traumatic situation. Make sure you're getting the help you need.
All the best.
I don't think I was remotely codependent before this, but I'll be looking at myself more closely to be sure. I was a single mom for a decade before this happened, so I don't "need" to have a relationship to be happy and I had never snooped in his stuff or tried to solve all of his problems for him or anything like that. I've always been pretty independent and I let him be the same. We hadn't even mingled our money or had any joint accounts aside from the cell phone bill, and that only got combined in the past 9 months.
Either I wasn't a codependent person or I'm in some denial. Either way, I want to be stronger before he returns.
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Originally Posted by Ann
This is all part of the grieving process, you are grieving the loss of "what might have been". It's painful and it takes time to process, but it is necessary to walk through the pain before you can put it to rest.
You do very well at identifying what is wrong, I think you are a clearer thinker than you know. That's a good thing, even if reality stinks.
Hugs
You do very well at identifying what is wrong, I think you are a clearer thinker than you know. That's a good thing, even if reality stinks.
Hugs
Thank you for your words and your kindness. It helps so much.
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