kimber828

I am new to the site. My husband I would have been married four years soon. I knew he was a drinker when we married, but I thought now that he had the woman he loves, my children, his stepchildren, a loving home, he wouldn't need to be so self destructive. We had many wonderful times, but sadly, the bar always called him back. I had to ask him to leave our home last October as his drinking was getting bad again and all he did was complain about my kids, complain about what I made for dinner, complain about working long hours. He came home one night and was just so disrespectful and slurring that I finally just told him to leave. We stayed apart for a month and tried working things out. He moved back in for a few weeks in February and I was hopeful. I agreed to his one day a week to go to the bar to see friends. He agreed to therapy. First week home, he went to therapy and then to the bar for five hours and came home cross-eyed. As he promised, he wasn't beligerant or rude, just went upstairs and watched tv. I was upset he drove home again like that. The next week on his bar day he went for only two hours, but then came home and drank the rest of the night himself. I came home to dishes in the sink, my stove filthy and him upstairs drunk snoring. The days after his drinking days he basically lays around and watches tv. I realized it was never going to get better. My anxiety was at an alltime high. Two mornings later, I woke up and he rolled over in bed and I just blurted out I'm not happy, his drinking scares me. he took it as I was kicking him out, got up, went to work, told everyone I kicked him out again and will only communicate to me through texts. I am heartbroken beyond words, but know I need to file for divorce He has told me he did everything I asked and it wasn't enough and I'm impossible. Every single person that knows him knows he is an alcoholic but him. It's so confusing. I don't understand how someone can give up the woman they love and their home for the bottle.

Forward12

Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry to hear what brings you here. Alcoholism is a destructive thing that just keeps getting worse over time, and trying to support them in getting clean, almost always ends with them lashing out at the partner and blaming everything and everyone except for what truly is the problem.

PhoenixJ

Welcome. Empathy and support to you. Al-anon may be a good place to get f2f support.

atalose

If only love, children and a loving home was the solution for alcoholism there would be no need for SR, AA meetings, rehabs or addiction specialists.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse when left untreated and the foundation for the alcoholic to continue drinking is denial that they have a problem.

I am sorry that you found us but glad you are posting, venting and talking with others who understand what you are going through.

Bekindalways

Welcome Kimber. Good for you for looking for support and answers. I hope you find lots of support here.

Most of us felt the same as you at one time in that we could love our alcoholics into sobriety. Unfortunately we have all found that is impossible.

This right here is very typical alcoholic speak >>>>>> ". he took it as I was kicking him out, got up, went to work, told everyone I kicked him out again and will only communicate to me through texts. I am heartbroken beyond words, but know I need to file for divorce He has told me he did everything I asked and it wasn't enough and I'm impossible. "

We call it quacking. Blaming others for their problems is part of the disease and can be very confusing.

I hope you read around and post lots.

FeelingGreat

One of the signs of an alcoholic is that they will give up everything that interferes with their ability to drink, even their health and in extreme cases their life.

He's not rushing back because now he can drink whenever he wants and not have to go through the agony of those sober days. He's just fabricated a story of you kicking him out to save face.

How are you going without him? Do you want to go back to the high anxiety about whether he's drinking or not? Are you working harder because he's gone or is the workload less?

I suggest Al-anon for you and possibly counselling for the kids to help you work through this. He seems determined not to come back this time, so see legal advice about support, visitation and your rights.

redatlanta

Actually, he may know he is an alcoholic (though deny it). Knowing you are one doesn't necessitate doing something about it.

He did "everything you asked" .......meaning, "To stay". Not for real. Most of the time rules don't change a person even if they abide by them.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome. Sorry you're dealing with all of this.

Yes, he is trying to save face by making you out to be the bad guy. Token gestures don't cut it. Recovery is a very long, hard process, and clearly he's not ready to undertake it right now.

Alcoholism doesn't get "better" because one has good things in life (family, home, etc.)--it gets worse regardless of what happens. It's the nature of alcoholism to do that, regardless of life circumstances.

I think letting him go is going to give you and your kids the best shot at building a better life for yourselves.

Hugs,

firebolt

It's very, very difficult not to take it personally...

They are giving up THEMSELVES for the bottle too. Devastating disease, and you have zero obligation to be drug down with it. (((HUGS)))

maia1234

Kim,
The above posters are spot on. He will do and say anything to protect his addiction. Don't be hurt, this is the nature of the beast.

What are you doing for you? Try hitting some alanon meetings, open aa meeting, or meeting with an addition therapist. Keep posting and read all over this forum, as education is power. Stop wasting your life waiting for him to get "cured". I waited 34 years with my addict, it never happened. I am 2 1/2 years free, and loving life. Not saying it was easy, but worth every tear.

Hugs my friend, we all get it

FallenAngelina

This is brilliant and this is why sobriety is very different than recovery. Drinking is a small problem. Why he drinks is a big problem.

"Rules don't change a person even if they abide by them."
Thanks, redatlanta.

heartcore

What kind of partner do you want?
What kind of partner do you deserve?

You can tell people what your edges are, but making rules is not a comfortable space to hold! Edges are different than rules...