PeachCobbler729

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This past Monday, ABF came home drunk after 3 weeks without drinking. Before that, he had a one-week drunken binge (which is when I signed up for this forum) after 8 weeks sober. On his way home from work, I called and called and he finally answered and I could tell something was off. I straight out asked him if he'd been drinking and he said no a bunch of times. He drove home 40 miles like that, only to admit that he was drunk when he was in the house... after I sniffed his breath and saw him stumbling from the car to the door of our apartment.

My psychologist told me that my only game plan right now was to make sure to do things for myself to make me stronger and less codependent... and that I have to love myself MORE than I love him.

So THIS time, instead of crying or yelling at him when he got home drunk... he fell asleep immediately, and I packed a bag.
I have been at my mom's place since Tues morning. I didn't tell him where I was going or say bye or anything... I had warned him recently that we couldn't keep going on like this and remind him/myself that I was going to have to take care of myself first if I want to keep any ounce of sanity left.
My mom doesn't know the extent of what's going on. She thinks I'm here for "normal" couple issues and just needed some space/a break. I can't let her know what's going on until I make a decision for myself about the relationship.
It's taken all my energy to NOT text or call to check on him, but I've stuck to it because I really need to figure this out.

Two nights go by. Fast forward to this morning, Thursday. I just got a call from my good friend who works with him (we all used to work together, but I'm not with that company anymore)... And when I saw her caller ID on my phone, I knew it had to do with him. And during work hours, too!

She said she bumped into him and his voice was too loud for the area they were in, so she could tell something was off. He had been saying to another acquaintance "she left, she left" (about me) and slurred a bunch of other things.
A few people saw him and walked by and whispered to her "he's drunk." She told me that one of his kind-of bosses said that he should go home.
So that's when she called me to let me know what was happening.

My heart started beating really rapidly just trying to process this. I don't want him to lose his job, but news and gossip spread like wildfire in that building...
My friend who works there said she offered to drive him home (40 miles) but he refused, and she wants to make sure he's not getting on the road.
I was doing so well by not calling him, but I didn't know what else to do at this point. So I called him. He was hysterical. Crying/laughing/yelling. Saying a whole bunch of stuff, including that he's had a homeless person SLEEPING IN OUR BED the past 2 nights while I've been gone.
And that he's been sleeping on the couch, but not sleeping because he had a stranger in our apartment.
Wtf, you guys????

I asked if the homeless person was still there, and he said "no, I made him leave this morning when I had to go to work, but I gave him all our food and $100. I was just trying to turn a negative into a positive. He needed help."

I can't even process that part of the story right now. He said the guy knocked on his door at midnight because our door was open. But we live in the BACK of a gated apt complex. I don't believe all these details.

It was impossible to have a normal convo with him in this state, as you all have experienced... but I remained as calm as I could and said "I'm just calling to make sure you're not gonna drive home right now. Your boss already said to go home. They've got it covered. You should just go home and rest. Our friend will take you home."
He slurred, "You're not calling because you love me or miss me, you're just calling because you don't want me to hurt anyone else or myself."
Wow, drunken logic. Way to go.

So I don't know what to do right now... I don't think it'll make anything better if I show up to pick him up - he already said it would be too embarrassing for our friend to drive him home and how would he go to work the next day without his car? I said "we'll cross that bridge when we get there, maybe you take tomorrow off too, and we can always get your car later." (I know the codie in me is jumping out, I just want to keep him calm and not driving and to GO HOME and not be drunk and a mess at work.) He promised to sit at work/in his car for a while before going anywhere. I hope he sticks to that.

My friend just popped her head in his office and said he's still all over the place. He kept saying how much he loves me and that he is scared. I know it's bad that people at work saw him this way, but I'm relieved that our mutual friend now knows what's truly going on and saw a TASTE of what I've been dealing with.

What do I do right now? Like, someone tell me ... do I go home (to wash my bedsheets!! omg.) or do I continue staying at my mom's another night and come home tomorrow? I didn't plan on staying away forever, just needed a break/space.

Do I call him later? Do I not?

Please remember that as easy as it is to tell me to just move on with my life, I am just at the beginning of trying to fight my codependency. I haven't made any concrete decisions yet on if/when to move out/move on.

LexieCat

I'm not buying the bit about the homeless person. I'm betting the place is a pigsty and he's giving you that as an excuse if you happen to discover it.

Frankly, I'd call his boss and tell him what's going on with his employee and the parking lot and ask them to take whatever action they deem appropriate. If they let him drive off in his condition they could be liable, so I'd dump it on someone else.

You don't have to decide anything right now. Call his office to save innocent people on the road. And I'd confide in family. You can tell them you haven't decided yet on your course of action. It's your life, and you can take your time.

PeachCobbler729

The bit about the homeless person is real. He SHOWED our friend pictures on his phone of this person sitting on the floor of our apt and standing near the front door.
She said it was really bizarre.

I'm just saying that I don't buy the part about the homeless person knocking on our door at midnight. I feel like ABF might've brought the guy home from the street or from outside a bar.

biminiblue

Call his work, I did the same thing once when my drunk then BF was threatening to drive. They sent him home in a cab.

Oh, the drama. I so don't envy you.

dandylion

PeachCobbler.....I can only tell you what I would do in your situation....
I would advise the friend at work to advise him to get a cab home, or to a nearby hotel......
I would tell her to advise him that you will discuss the whole situation when he is sober.....
Personally, I would not talk to him any further, because I have learned through lots of experience, that talking to an inebriated person is a waste of breath....for lots of reasons...
You can tell your mother that you have decided that you need a longer "break" than you had anticipated.....

I must admit that I was stunned that your thoughts were about sheets, at a time like this........

PeachCobbler729

I just called him. He's driving himself home right now.

"Sorry about everything, babe. Don't call me again." Click.

PeachCobbler729

Dandy, the comment about washing the sheets is my way of throwing in humor to such a messed up situation in my life right now. I know the sheets can wait.

atalose

Was the homeless person male or female? I'm not buying into it at all.

Besides drink does he do drugs?

I would not return to the apartment at all until he has himself on some road towards recovery, some professional kind of recovery.

LexieCat

Personally, I'd call the cops and tell them he's on the road, with a description of the car and his route.

Zak68

Be strong. Most of us have been in similar situations. Your psychologist is right. Love yourself enough to get out of that situation. I was codependent for so long and I enabled my wife for too many years until I broke down.
Also, tell your mom. I wish I had told others and not kept it all bottled up. I needed others to give me strength when I didn't have anything left to give for myself.
I agree with others. Help keep other people safe and don't let him drive. I have a friend whose son died because a drunk driver killed him. Maybe if someone had the courage to stop that man he'd be alive.
Above all. Believe in yourself and that you don't need this in your life. Make the cut and get away, don't get drawn back into the drama. You will find peace and quickly realize this is where you should be.

AnvilheadII

i agree,notify the police immediately.

i'm wondering if "homeless" guy is drug dealer or connection? i would NOT go back there until the place is secured, locks are changed, etc. in fact, i'm not sure i'd GO back. you AH sounds completely out of his head and that can be a recipe for disaster on many fronts.

Maudcat

I agree withe the other posters. Going home seems very unsafe for you right now.
If you absolutely must go, take someone with you.
Or call local law, explain the situation, and ask them to meet you there.

hopeful4

Oh dear. I am so sorry.

Thing is, this is where addiction takes a person. If you stay w/him, there is more of this for you in your future. This is HIS issue to figure out right now. If the friend is so concerned, she should have went to an authority figure there, at the company, with concerns he would drive.

This is WHY you need peace away from him.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree w/your counselor.

Sasha1972

Call the police with a description of his car. Stay at your mother's house. Tell your friend at work that you appreciate her good intentions, but that if there are further issues in the workplace with ABF, she should talk to his boss, not you. You can't be the go-to for managing him. This isn't abandoning ABF, it's letting him experience the consequences of his actions.

firebolt

You don't have to do anything right now. I know staying at your moms is temporary, but is seems like a good, quiet, peaceful place to get your ducks in a row, continue counseling and form your plan to either

1 - accept that this is who he is, and that this is the best your life with him will be unless some sort of miracle happens. or
2 - plan your graceful exit, and move one with your life choosing people that are maybe a little more similar and reciprocal to you.

HUGS to you - we've been there. You don't have to make any sort of choice today - just keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other, working on yourself, and keeping your immediate situation peaceful!

Also - people are in relationships that don't live together ALL of the time. You don't have to end it this second...but it doesn't sound like your home with him is a wonderful place to be, so why not make a home you love?

Refiner

I am SO GLAD u did not call his work. You are not his Mother. He needs to OWN THIS and OWN HIS NEXT STEPS. Please abide by his wishes and DO NOT CALL HIM AGAIN. See what he does - his workplace will likely send him to rehab before he is allowed back at work (IF he's lucky). He will be contacting YOU (I PROMISE), so there is ZERO NEED to contact him. See what HE chooses for his future (for a change). It really IS that easy.

Bekindalways

Hi Peachcobbler, it sounds like it has been a rough day or two.

It also sounds like you are stepping up to the plate and trying to do the right thing with your AH. This is no mean feat. Congrats for all you are doing to detach and take care of yourself.

As you have been here for a bit, you have probably been advised to look for an Alanon group and to read Codependent no More. This is the time to circle the wagons for your own survival.

Keep posting.

FeelingGreat

Hi PC, you can take it that everyone, including the managers, knew he was drunk and although it's done now, calling the company would have been the responsible thing to do.
You can expend a lot of energy covering up for him, but that's enabling too, and useless because they already know. Its not your role to keep his secrets for him. Holding off caused him to hit the road drunk. I hope he got home safely and didn't hurt anyone.
I suggest you level with your mother if she is the sort of person who you can talk to. Once again, you're keeping his secrets for him.
Only you can decide where to go from here. A lot depends on how willing you are to stick to your boundaries as you did when you left the first time. One thing is certain; if he doesn't get serious about treatment you'll probably get used to this cycle.

F50Lurker

Stay at your mom's and don't call him. You are doing really great at controlling yourself here! Good luck.