Ready to Leave
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 11
Ready to Leave
I don't know what I'm looking for here, but I had to put it out there somewhere:
Last fall, I discovered that my husband has been abusing alcohol and cocaine for a very long time. The timeline is fuzzy, but I know the alcohol addiction has been growing for the last 10 years. The cocaine for probably the last 2-3. We've been together for almost 16 years, since we were teenagers. At the time, he was literally an Eagle Scout, so it's not like I started dating him because I'm into bad boys or I'm attracted to people that I can "help" or "fix." Quite the opposite - I'm not so good with other people's emotions and I abhor drama! I also work in drug and alcohol prevention with college-aged students. Needless to say, I was shocked to find myself in this position!
I didn't really notice a major problem until about 6 years ago. That said, I thought it was Bipolar Disorder at the time. I never saw his drug or alcohol usage and there was never any other evidence of it, either (no missing $, he has a job that requires him to work late, so it wasn't weird for him to come home at 8:00, etc.). But he has a ton of mental health issues in his family, including a history of Bipolar Disorder. He was also at the right age for those conditions to manifest, and he fit all of the symptoms of BPD -depression, sleeping a lot, followed by periods of high productivity and mood swings all over the place.
And then my twins were born. And things got so much worse. It's not an exaggeration to say that I felt like I was living through hell and it was made even worse because I couldn't figure out what was going on. Finally, as I was paying the bills one day, I noticed substantial amounts of money missing via ATM withdrawals. Like, hundreds of dollars a month. We had a huge fight, I told him it was unacceptable and he said he knew...he understood... he wouldn't do it again. And, of course, it happened again. I had to pay the mortgage late for several months in a row because we were *just* short of having enough money. So I took away his debit card. Put him on a budget. And then other cash started disappearing. My daugters' birthday money? "Stolen." The cash I had set aside to deposit into their college account? That was "stolen," too. As was my birthday cash, cash I got from selling some old baby stuff - basically, if there was any cash around, it was gone. I got suspicious, so I waited for him to leave the house one day and went searching. I found the evidence in his sock drawer - right on top. Not even hidden. It was like I pulled a thread and it all unraveled. Finally, he admitted that he was using cocaine and had been drinking, daily, for the past 10+ years. Leaving me to care for twins by myself. Driving drunk every night to get himself home. Billing all of his alcohol consumption to a secret credit card that was now in collections. Honestly, with the level that he was using, it's a freaking miracle that he didn't get into legal trouble! It just completely upended my life and simultaneously explained the past several years all at the same time. It was like the pieces finally fit into place.
So I kicked him out. He went through rehab, though it turned out to be a fly-by-night kind of operation and they closed overnight. Literally. He got his certificate of completion because he was almost done with the program, but I feel like they rushed him through a bit because they were closing. And there was no plan for after care. His program was three months long and we moved him back home after two. The idea was to transition him back to life at home while he was still receiving treatment so the transition wouldn't be such a shock.
He was sober (I think!) from maybe mid-September to early February (5 months, if we're being generous), but it crept back in. He relapsed in February - only a couple of days before my grandma died, so way to kick me while I'm down, Universe! At first, it seemed like maybe it was a wake-up call for him. We got into counseling and found a therapist with substantial experience in substance abuse. I wanted him to go back into a program, but he said the counseling part of his treatment was the most effective thing, anyway. He didn't want to go to any kind of a group because A) we're not religious, so the 12 step approach isn't the right fit and B) because the other people in group were much worse than he was, so he felt out of place. I was concerned, too, that he'd look at the other people and think that he really wasn't that bad because at least he wasn't like "them." The counselor gave him a referral for a secular group that meets near us, but for one reason or another, he never went. He always had an excuse and clearly didn't make it a priority to make it work out.
Though we were in treatment, things just felt "off." I know now that it was my intuition, but I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. I had no evidence, but I just felt on edge all the time. We were fighting constantly. He was off in really small ways - it seemed like he was enunciating his words more, he was more irritable, his driving was herky-jerky and he threw up like a fire hose in the bathroom one night, but he wasn't sick - but only just slightly. If you were on the outside looking in, you wouldn't notice anything was off. The counselor said that I was just responding to the lack of daily stress - now that he was sober, I was having to figure out how to work through my anger and my distrust. My husband swore that he was sober.
And then it happened again - I was paying bills, making sure that stuff had cleared before I paid the credit card (which he's racked up in the last 9 months since I took his debit card. This was a major topic in our last counseling session because it's almost entirely just eating out - coffee, breakfast, lunch, drinks at the gas station, spur-of-the-moment hair cuts and so on.). And there was a $50 withdrawal - he had gone into the branch, since he didn't have an ATM card. I called to see why he did it and he gave me a BS answer about having to put a payment on the secret credit card so the collectors would quit calling. As I was talking to him, scrolling through the statement, there was another... and another... I read them out as I found them and he hung up on me. A few minutes later, he called me back and admitted it was for drugs. I asked him to get out.
Doing the math, unless he had a source from somewhere else, I think the cocaine started up again a month ago, but it looks like he's been drinking since February. I think he's just learned how to hide it better - for instance, come home early to do "homework" (he got back into school when he entered rehab to give him a purpose to work toward), drink, then sober up a bit by the time I get home. Enunciate his words so that I don't accuse him of slurring. Stuff like that.
I think I'm just done. At this point, I feel like I've tried everything and everything has failed. I know it hasn't been a full year since I found out. And I know that relapses are part of the disease, but we're past "relapse" and well into active using. I also have no reason to believe that he's going to behave differently and, if I *don't* leave him, he certainly has no reason to. If I DO leave, maybe he'll be able to hit rock bottom and get better for the sake of our kids. If not, then at least it isn't my problem any more. I may have enabled his behavior, unknowingly, for several years, but I'm not a codependent. And, no, I'm not saying that out of denial - I genuinely don't fit the description and my therapist agrees. I don't need this crap in my life and I don't want my kids growing up in this environment. They may not see his drug/alcohol use - yet- but they do see that mommy is always mad at daddy and that's just not good for any of us. And, honestly, it's just a matter of time until he's no longer a "functioning" alcoholic and he loses his job and/or gets a DUI (which would result in him losing his job). I'm tired of being scared that his crap choices are going to result in my house or my car being taken from me to pay his obligations.
My only hesitation is the kids and their safety when they're in his care. He's never actually *done* anything to endanger them - I pick them up and drop them off from daycare every day, so I don't think he's driven them while intoxicated. But it's very likely that he did cocaine while they were in his care and I was at work. He swears he hasn't and I can't prove that he did, but there were many days where my grandma was watching them for the day and he came home early. She left when he got home, of course, and I'm pretty sure he'd put on a movie for them in the living room and go get high in our bedroom. But again, I can't prove that. I also know of one instance in March when I had to work late. He gave the kids melatonin supplements to make them sleep soundly so he could get drunk in the basement. I came home and the basement *reeked* of cologne and he was obviously drunk. I made him leave for the duration of the week and we got into the counselor that weekend, so I thought we were back on the right path again. My concern is that in the absence of hard evidence that his intoxication has endangered their safety, a judge would award him standard parental visitation. I do NOT want him transporting them, at the very least, and I think it would be best for him to have supervised visitations. I also don't think he should see them on a week day, because that's when the majority of his drinking/drug use seems to happen. I'm okay with every other weekend - supervised - at least until he has successfully completed another treatment program and has remained sober (with mandatory verification) for at least 1 year, post treatment. And I don't want them to see him at all until he gets sober again, though I don't know how he's going to prove that!
My other concern is financial - I make a decent living, I have a good job and I have my degree. But rent out here is outrageous! A 2-3 bedroom apartment is as much as my mortgage and, based on what I make, I can't afford to re-finance the mortgage into my own name. I can probably afford a condo (which would, sadly, be cheaper than rent!), but those get snatched up the same day they're listed, so it may be a while. In the mean time, I can probably live with family while I wait for the house to sell and for an affordable condo to pop up on the market. But if anyone has any tips on how to navigate that mess when going through a divorce, I'm all ears!
It hasn't even been a full week (I found the missing $ on Monday). He hasn't asked to see the kids, which is weird, judging from past behavior, but I'm glad that it spares me from having to say no. I created a separate bank account, gave him back his debit card, and I'm cancelling all the other cards. I'll put enough money into the joint account for him to pay his personal bills, buy gas and food, and that's it. If he spends it on something else, then I guess he doesn't eat. I turned off all of the overdraft protection features, so if there's no money, there's no money. The card is set up to decline, if that happens.
So, like I said... I don't know what I'm looking for here, but I know I'm not the only one who's been through this. Any advice or encouragement that those of you who have been here can throw my way would be much appreciated!
Last fall, I discovered that my husband has been abusing alcohol and cocaine for a very long time. The timeline is fuzzy, but I know the alcohol addiction has been growing for the last 10 years. The cocaine for probably the last 2-3. We've been together for almost 16 years, since we were teenagers. At the time, he was literally an Eagle Scout, so it's not like I started dating him because I'm into bad boys or I'm attracted to people that I can "help" or "fix." Quite the opposite - I'm not so good with other people's emotions and I abhor drama! I also work in drug and alcohol prevention with college-aged students. Needless to say, I was shocked to find myself in this position!
I didn't really notice a major problem until about 6 years ago. That said, I thought it was Bipolar Disorder at the time. I never saw his drug or alcohol usage and there was never any other evidence of it, either (no missing $, he has a job that requires him to work late, so it wasn't weird for him to come home at 8:00, etc.). But he has a ton of mental health issues in his family, including a history of Bipolar Disorder. He was also at the right age for those conditions to manifest, and he fit all of the symptoms of BPD -depression, sleeping a lot, followed by periods of high productivity and mood swings all over the place.
And then my twins were born. And things got so much worse. It's not an exaggeration to say that I felt like I was living through hell and it was made even worse because I couldn't figure out what was going on. Finally, as I was paying the bills one day, I noticed substantial amounts of money missing via ATM withdrawals. Like, hundreds of dollars a month. We had a huge fight, I told him it was unacceptable and he said he knew...he understood... he wouldn't do it again. And, of course, it happened again. I had to pay the mortgage late for several months in a row because we were *just* short of having enough money. So I took away his debit card. Put him on a budget. And then other cash started disappearing. My daugters' birthday money? "Stolen." The cash I had set aside to deposit into their college account? That was "stolen," too. As was my birthday cash, cash I got from selling some old baby stuff - basically, if there was any cash around, it was gone. I got suspicious, so I waited for him to leave the house one day and went searching. I found the evidence in his sock drawer - right on top. Not even hidden. It was like I pulled a thread and it all unraveled. Finally, he admitted that he was using cocaine and had been drinking, daily, for the past 10+ years. Leaving me to care for twins by myself. Driving drunk every night to get himself home. Billing all of his alcohol consumption to a secret credit card that was now in collections. Honestly, with the level that he was using, it's a freaking miracle that he didn't get into legal trouble! It just completely upended my life and simultaneously explained the past several years all at the same time. It was like the pieces finally fit into place.
So I kicked him out. He went through rehab, though it turned out to be a fly-by-night kind of operation and they closed overnight. Literally. He got his certificate of completion because he was almost done with the program, but I feel like they rushed him through a bit because they were closing. And there was no plan for after care. His program was three months long and we moved him back home after two. The idea was to transition him back to life at home while he was still receiving treatment so the transition wouldn't be such a shock.
He was sober (I think!) from maybe mid-September to early February (5 months, if we're being generous), but it crept back in. He relapsed in February - only a couple of days before my grandma died, so way to kick me while I'm down, Universe! At first, it seemed like maybe it was a wake-up call for him. We got into counseling and found a therapist with substantial experience in substance abuse. I wanted him to go back into a program, but he said the counseling part of his treatment was the most effective thing, anyway. He didn't want to go to any kind of a group because A) we're not religious, so the 12 step approach isn't the right fit and B) because the other people in group were much worse than he was, so he felt out of place. I was concerned, too, that he'd look at the other people and think that he really wasn't that bad because at least he wasn't like "them." The counselor gave him a referral for a secular group that meets near us, but for one reason or another, he never went. He always had an excuse and clearly didn't make it a priority to make it work out.
Though we were in treatment, things just felt "off." I know now that it was my intuition, but I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. I had no evidence, but I just felt on edge all the time. We were fighting constantly. He was off in really small ways - it seemed like he was enunciating his words more, he was more irritable, his driving was herky-jerky and he threw up like a fire hose in the bathroom one night, but he wasn't sick - but only just slightly. If you were on the outside looking in, you wouldn't notice anything was off. The counselor said that I was just responding to the lack of daily stress - now that he was sober, I was having to figure out how to work through my anger and my distrust. My husband swore that he was sober.
And then it happened again - I was paying bills, making sure that stuff had cleared before I paid the credit card (which he's racked up in the last 9 months since I took his debit card. This was a major topic in our last counseling session because it's almost entirely just eating out - coffee, breakfast, lunch, drinks at the gas station, spur-of-the-moment hair cuts and so on.). And there was a $50 withdrawal - he had gone into the branch, since he didn't have an ATM card. I called to see why he did it and he gave me a BS answer about having to put a payment on the secret credit card so the collectors would quit calling. As I was talking to him, scrolling through the statement, there was another... and another... I read them out as I found them and he hung up on me. A few minutes later, he called me back and admitted it was for drugs. I asked him to get out.
Doing the math, unless he had a source from somewhere else, I think the cocaine started up again a month ago, but it looks like he's been drinking since February. I think he's just learned how to hide it better - for instance, come home early to do "homework" (he got back into school when he entered rehab to give him a purpose to work toward), drink, then sober up a bit by the time I get home. Enunciate his words so that I don't accuse him of slurring. Stuff like that.
I think I'm just done. At this point, I feel like I've tried everything and everything has failed. I know it hasn't been a full year since I found out. And I know that relapses are part of the disease, but we're past "relapse" and well into active using. I also have no reason to believe that he's going to behave differently and, if I *don't* leave him, he certainly has no reason to. If I DO leave, maybe he'll be able to hit rock bottom and get better for the sake of our kids. If not, then at least it isn't my problem any more. I may have enabled his behavior, unknowingly, for several years, but I'm not a codependent. And, no, I'm not saying that out of denial - I genuinely don't fit the description and my therapist agrees. I don't need this crap in my life and I don't want my kids growing up in this environment. They may not see his drug/alcohol use - yet- but they do see that mommy is always mad at daddy and that's just not good for any of us. And, honestly, it's just a matter of time until he's no longer a "functioning" alcoholic and he loses his job and/or gets a DUI (which would result in him losing his job). I'm tired of being scared that his crap choices are going to result in my house or my car being taken from me to pay his obligations.
My only hesitation is the kids and their safety when they're in his care. He's never actually *done* anything to endanger them - I pick them up and drop them off from daycare every day, so I don't think he's driven them while intoxicated. But it's very likely that he did cocaine while they were in his care and I was at work. He swears he hasn't and I can't prove that he did, but there were many days where my grandma was watching them for the day and he came home early. She left when he got home, of course, and I'm pretty sure he'd put on a movie for them in the living room and go get high in our bedroom. But again, I can't prove that. I also know of one instance in March when I had to work late. He gave the kids melatonin supplements to make them sleep soundly so he could get drunk in the basement. I came home and the basement *reeked* of cologne and he was obviously drunk. I made him leave for the duration of the week and we got into the counselor that weekend, so I thought we were back on the right path again. My concern is that in the absence of hard evidence that his intoxication has endangered their safety, a judge would award him standard parental visitation. I do NOT want him transporting them, at the very least, and I think it would be best for him to have supervised visitations. I also don't think he should see them on a week day, because that's when the majority of his drinking/drug use seems to happen. I'm okay with every other weekend - supervised - at least until he has successfully completed another treatment program and has remained sober (with mandatory verification) for at least 1 year, post treatment. And I don't want them to see him at all until he gets sober again, though I don't know how he's going to prove that!
My other concern is financial - I make a decent living, I have a good job and I have my degree. But rent out here is outrageous! A 2-3 bedroom apartment is as much as my mortgage and, based on what I make, I can't afford to re-finance the mortgage into my own name. I can probably afford a condo (which would, sadly, be cheaper than rent!), but those get snatched up the same day they're listed, so it may be a while. In the mean time, I can probably live with family while I wait for the house to sell and for an affordable condo to pop up on the market. But if anyone has any tips on how to navigate that mess when going through a divorce, I'm all ears!
It hasn't even been a full week (I found the missing $ on Monday). He hasn't asked to see the kids, which is weird, judging from past behavior, but I'm glad that it spares me from having to say no. I created a separate bank account, gave him back his debit card, and I'm cancelling all the other cards. I'll put enough money into the joint account for him to pay his personal bills, buy gas and food, and that's it. If he spends it on something else, then I guess he doesn't eat. I turned off all of the overdraft protection features, so if there's no money, there's no money. The card is set up to decline, if that happens.
So, like I said... I don't know what I'm looking for here, but I know I'm not the only one who's been through this. Any advice or encouragement that those of you who have been here can throw my way would be much appreciated!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Wow. Just. Wow.
Sorry for your pain and trouble, MamaBear.
I don't have much in the way of advice. Others will likely weigh in at some point.
I guess the only thing I would recommend is legal advice. See an attorney and find out what your rights are re keeping the house if you can and keeping the kids safe from harm.
I would separate myself from him and the drugs. Cocaine is really bad stuff.
Good luck.
Sorry for your pain and trouble, MamaBear.
I don't have much in the way of advice. Others will likely weigh in at some point.
I guess the only thing I would recommend is legal advice. See an attorney and find out what your rights are re keeping the house if you can and keeping the kids safe from harm.
I would separate myself from him and the drugs. Cocaine is really bad stuff.
Good luck.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You need to consult a good divorce lawyer--preferably one who is familiar with dealing with alcoholism and addiction where it concerns child safety. With a long marriage, you will probably be entitled to a good portion of marital property, including his pension. He will be obligated to pay child support, though I wouldn't want to bet the farm on his reliability.
You may go through some lean times, but you can recover financially. But first things first--you need some good legal advice.
Hugs, sorry you're having to deal with this mess.
You may go through some lean times, but you can recover financially. But first things first--you need some good legal advice.
Hugs, sorry you're having to deal with this mess.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
What you're looking for is what we all looked for here.... Someone who understands the pain you're going through.
I agree with Lexie about the good divorce lawyer. Above all keep the safety of you and your kids in the front of your mind. You can't count on him to do that.
I know your struggles. I looked for housing when I was planning on leaving my wife due to her alcoholism. It's insane and I literally just cried one day thinking my only option was to stay with her to give my kids a decent chance at life and not live in poverty. I too make/made good money but being single is a HUGE financial struggle.
I got lucky. She hit rock bottom and has crawled her way back up. 8 years sober now, from what I can tell.
Peace and be strong. The good days come when you can separate yourself from this mess.
I agree with Lexie about the good divorce lawyer. Above all keep the safety of you and your kids in the front of your mind. You can't count on him to do that.
I know your struggles. I looked for housing when I was planning on leaving my wife due to her alcoholism. It's insane and I literally just cried one day thinking my only option was to stay with her to give my kids a decent chance at life and not live in poverty. I too make/made good money but being single is a HUGE financial struggle.
I got lucky. She hit rock bottom and has crawled her way back up. 8 years sober now, from what I can tell.
Peace and be strong. The good days come when you can separate yourself from this mess.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 11
Thank you all for weighing in. Like I said - I know I'm ready to leave, it's just so hard to pull that plug!
We have another session with the counselor set up for this Saturday. It was set up before all of this happened and I'm debating whether or not to go. I really don't want to have to see him, and I don't think there's really any outcome of that particular session that could change my mind, but it could help us to talk about the next steps and what I expect from him from here on out. He said he was going to go, but who knows. I'm half tempted to go and not tell him I'm planning on it so I can see if he does show up or not. I don't know. What would you all do?
We have another session with the counselor set up for this Saturday. It was set up before all of this happened and I'm debating whether or not to go. I really don't want to have to see him, and I don't think there's really any outcome of that particular session that could change my mind, but it could help us to talk about the next steps and what I expect from him from here on out. He said he was going to go, but who knows. I'm half tempted to go and not tell him I'm planning on it so I can see if he does show up or not. I don't know. What would you all do?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I wouldn't use whether he shows up as some kind of indicator of where he's at. You already know, don't you? And if he does show up, with no idea you are going to be talking "next steps" then that doesn't seem conducive to a productive conversation.
If it were I, I think I'd just tell him you don't see any point in meeting with the counselor, that you have decided to proceed with separation/divorce, and that if he thinks it would be helpful at some point to discuss "next steps" that you'd be open to doing that at the counselor's office so you can discuss it calmly and rationally.
If it were I, I think I'd just tell him you don't see any point in meeting with the counselor, that you have decided to proceed with separation/divorce, and that if he thinks it would be helpful at some point to discuss "next steps" that you'd be open to doing that at the counselor's office so you can discuss it calmly and rationally.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm really really sorry for your situation. And I completely get the part about realizing you've enabled things but are not co-dependent. You sound like I did when I reached the point where I knew I had to end my marriage, just turn out the lights and don't look back.
I second everyone's advice about finding a good lawyer who has experience with addictions - you may pay more for it now, but a good separation agreement will be your friend in years to come (says the person who hadn't really acknowledged the extent of her ex's addictions at the time she negotiated her own divorce, and is now living with the consequences). Your description of thinking your husband isn't sober and him insisting (contrary to all evidence) that he is is also familiar. Trust your own perceptions. You're probably not wrong.
It sounds like you are doing everything right with the financial separation, and you are completely reasonable to want only every-other-weekend access and no transporting the kids.
You are on the right path. Life is going to be so much better - not tomorrow (tomorrow will probably suck rocks) but someday not too far away.
(ETA: and the secret credit card? There's probably more than one. My ex's second ex-wife [the one who came after me] found ten credit cards in ex's name with over $100K outstanding after he moved out. She is trying to limit the financial damage by arguing that she should not be responsible for these debts even though they were incurred while she was married because she never used them and they were not used to purchase items for the couple or the household. Another reason why you need to invest in a good lawyer).
I second everyone's advice about finding a good lawyer who has experience with addictions - you may pay more for it now, but a good separation agreement will be your friend in years to come (says the person who hadn't really acknowledged the extent of her ex's addictions at the time she negotiated her own divorce, and is now living with the consequences). Your description of thinking your husband isn't sober and him insisting (contrary to all evidence) that he is is also familiar. Trust your own perceptions. You're probably not wrong.
It sounds like you are doing everything right with the financial separation, and you are completely reasonable to want only every-other-weekend access and no transporting the kids.
You are on the right path. Life is going to be so much better - not tomorrow (tomorrow will probably suck rocks) but someday not too far away.
(ETA: and the secret credit card? There's probably more than one. My ex's second ex-wife [the one who came after me] found ten credit cards in ex's name with over $100K outstanding after he moved out. She is trying to limit the financial damage by arguing that she should not be responsible for these debts even though they were incurred while she was married because she never used them and they were not used to purchase items for the couple or the household. Another reason why you need to invest in a good lawyer).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,000
I'm glad you posted Mamabear.
Yes, relapse is part of the disease but then if there wasn't much of a recovery/sobriety it is hard to call it a relapse.
Take the next right step no matter how tiny.
Keep posting.
Yes, relapse is part of the disease but then if there wasn't much of a recovery/sobriety it is hard to call it a relapse.
Take the next right step no matter how tiny.
Keep posting.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
MB2, the counselling session might be useful if you use it to talk about your concerns about visitation. I may be mistaken, but if he's feeling vulnerable and ashamed he might be more open to admitting the dangers of unsupervised visitation.
You seem very together and determined. I suggest you waste no time in seeking legal advice and negotiating an agreement you're comfortable with. You'll take a hit financially, but in return you'll have full control of your finances and will surely come out ahead in the long run.
You seem very together and determined. I suggest you waste no time in seeking legal advice and negotiating an agreement you're comfortable with. You'll take a hit financially, but in return you'll have full control of your finances and will surely come out ahead in the long run.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 11
FeelingGreat - that's kind of what I was thinking. I had to get some financial things protected before I told him that I was leaving, so we haven't really had that conversation. I'm hoping having a counselor in the room will make the conversation more productive - tell him that I'm filing, talk about how we're going to deal with the finances in the interim and discuss how we're going to manage visitation with the kids. I'm hoping his current mood will make him more amenable to agree to my terms. I'm also kinda thinking this may be my only opportunity to do this with a counselor - he may never agree to go to one again!
The reason I'm tempted not to tell him I'm going isn't so much to see where he's at. It's not a test. He's already gotten his hands on $150 this week - that I know of - so I KNOW where he's at. It's more to prevent manipulation. If I tell him I'm going, he'll make SURE he'll be there to "prove" that he's trying. Whereas, if I show up without giving him a heads up, there may be two benefits. 1) he can't come up with a "plan" for how to manipulate me and 2) if he doesn't show, then I can use that in a custody battle to show that he's NOT trying. Fathers' Rights lawyers are a HUGE chunk of the divorce lawyer market in my state and I'm scared he might hire one of them to represent them. And if he doesn't show up, then I get a one-on-one session with the counselor.
I've barely heard from him all week, which is fine by me. It's just weird, for him, to not be begging to see my kids. He hasn't asked to see them at all. My kids are used to this pattern already - daddy gets "sick" and has to go stay with a family member. I told them he might not be able to get better this time, which means he might not be able to come live with us any more. I didn't say the "D" word, but we did talk about how my #1 job is to keep them safe and make sure that they come first; that Mommy and Daddy both love them and that nothing they did caused any of this. They seemed okay for a few days, but I think it's sinking in. When I picked them up from daycare yesterday, DD#1 showed me a drawing she made. When I asked what it was, she said "It's a lady crying because her husband died." Yeah... she's 4. When we were almost home, DD#2 started sobbing uncontrollably that she missed daddy. She just wailed "Daddy! Daddy!" Broke my heart! All I could say was, "I know honey, and I'm sure he misses you, too. He's just too sick right now to see you. As soon as he's not so sick, I'll make sure you get to see your Daddy. " And just validate her feelings. But that's the first time that one of them has broken down like that. I called my counselor's office this morning and made an appointment for them with their child specialist, so I'm hoping that helps them through this process.
I'm going to start calling lawyers this afternoon. Wish me luck!
The reason I'm tempted not to tell him I'm going isn't so much to see where he's at. It's not a test. He's already gotten his hands on $150 this week - that I know of - so I KNOW where he's at. It's more to prevent manipulation. If I tell him I'm going, he'll make SURE he'll be there to "prove" that he's trying. Whereas, if I show up without giving him a heads up, there may be two benefits. 1) he can't come up with a "plan" for how to manipulate me and 2) if he doesn't show, then I can use that in a custody battle to show that he's NOT trying. Fathers' Rights lawyers are a HUGE chunk of the divorce lawyer market in my state and I'm scared he might hire one of them to represent them. And if he doesn't show up, then I get a one-on-one session with the counselor.
I've barely heard from him all week, which is fine by me. It's just weird, for him, to not be begging to see my kids. He hasn't asked to see them at all. My kids are used to this pattern already - daddy gets "sick" and has to go stay with a family member. I told them he might not be able to get better this time, which means he might not be able to come live with us any more. I didn't say the "D" word, but we did talk about how my #1 job is to keep them safe and make sure that they come first; that Mommy and Daddy both love them and that nothing they did caused any of this. They seemed okay for a few days, but I think it's sinking in. When I picked them up from daycare yesterday, DD#1 showed me a drawing she made. When I asked what it was, she said "It's a lady crying because her husband died." Yeah... she's 4. When we were almost home, DD#2 started sobbing uncontrollably that she missed daddy. She just wailed "Daddy! Daddy!" Broke my heart! All I could say was, "I know honey, and I'm sure he misses you, too. He's just too sick right now to see you. As soon as he's not so sick, I'll make sure you get to see your Daddy. " And just validate her feelings. But that's the first time that one of them has broken down like that. I called my counselor's office this morning and made an appointment for them with their child specialist, so I'm hoping that helps them through this process.
I'm going to start calling lawyers this afternoon. Wish me luck!
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I forgot to add - I ran his credit report, so I know there isn't another card floating around out there. I ran mine, too, and he hadn't opened one in my name, either. So thank goodness for that!
And Sasha - thank you so much for understanding what I meant about being an enabler, but not being codependent. I really needed someone to say that! Most people just tell me that I'm in denial because, as his craptastic therapist told me "It takes two to make an addict." Yeah... no. I have read Codependent No More - it doesn't fit me. I don't have low self esteem or feel like I need to "help" people. I'm not afraid of being alone. But I did enable him, even though that wasn't my intention. But enabling is not the same thing as codependency - I think the entire addiction community needs to be more careful about assigning that label so quickly. It felt very dismissive whenever someone would label me that way, so I'm really grateful that someone knew what I meant. It's the little things
And Sasha - thank you so much for understanding what I meant about being an enabler, but not being codependent. I really needed someone to say that! Most people just tell me that I'm in denial because, as his craptastic therapist told me "It takes two to make an addict." Yeah... no. I have read Codependent No More - it doesn't fit me. I don't have low self esteem or feel like I need to "help" people. I'm not afraid of being alone. But I did enable him, even though that wasn't my intention. But enabling is not the same thing as codependency - I think the entire addiction community needs to be more careful about assigning that label so quickly. It felt very dismissive whenever someone would label me that way, so I'm really grateful that someone knew what I meant. It's the little things
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