Dontreallycare

I finally saw the lawyer yesterday. He seems to be quite aggressive and at one point flat out told me that if I'm not willing to play hardball, nothing will change. Even things like cooking together and doing laundry together keep him in his "comfortable" place. And this guy didn't even know me for more than 15 minutes. Apparently, he's dealt with this before. The lawyer said that in this state, I’ll be able to get him out on “divorce from bed and board”, so I should be able to keep the house. He said he’s filed 75 cases based on this and only had to go to court for 5 because the other person backed down due to the info that would be made public. He even said he’ll subpoena AH's daughter if necessary since her mother took him to court for violating the custody order by drinking. Hopefully, STBXAH will just roll over and leave peacefully. Either way, I'm GOING to get my peaceful life back!

Lilro

The future is YOURS! GO GET IT!

LexieCat

Hope it works out OK. Being "willing" to play hardball is one thing, but an overly aggressive lawyer can create more conflict than necessary. Don't hesitate to question the lawyer about tactics and strategies. It's YOUR case--keep that in mind.

Dontreallycare

Thanks LexieCat! Yes, I realize over aggression can be a problem and I made that clear to him from the get go. He told me all my options and then asked me what I wanted out of this and how I wanted to proceed. I could take my STBXAH for everything if I wanted, but that's not my intent. I want peace in my life and for him to get help. I don't want to leave him destitute or with a record that could cost him his job. I just want him out and the lawyer said he could do that without any trouble because of all the records I've kept for the last 5 years plus his being dragged to court by his ex for drinking around the kids.

Dontreallycare

Suffice to say, I felt no guilt paying the retainer this morning. It's like watching Groundhog day. STBXAH took the day off to spend with his family. Nothing got done around the house, but he still managed to find time to go out and buy wine. We were supposed to go out to dinner with his family and kids after I got home from work. I could tell he'd had something, but not how much. He said he'd had "a little wine". I asked him to test since he was supposed to drive us. He blew .11 and then got mad when I said I would have to drive and that I refused to get in a car with him. He claimed he "felt fine". An hour later, we were getting ready to leave and he tested again (I think to try to prove he wasn't that bad). It came back .09. I still refused and, frankly, was pretty pissed at this point that I was having to do this and he didn't even bother to stay sober for one day for his family.

Sasha1972

That sounds like no way to live. I'm glad you've moved ahead and taken steps to get him out.

hopeful4

Glad you are moving forward. Hugs.

maia1234

D,
I know it is very difficult and he is intimidating, stand your ground. Do what you feel is right, don't get in the car if he is drinking.

Keep moving forward

Dontreallycare

Well, the weekend went mostly as planned. His family actually left late on Saturday, but I stuck with my plan. Yesterday morning, after we'd been up for a couple of hours, I told him he needed to pack his things and get out. After about 4 exhausting hours of back and forth, asking to stay and me saying no, promises to quit, begging for another chance, ranting about me taking off my rings, etc…. he finally left. He stayed gone about 3 hours then came back saying the efficiency hotel office was closed on Sunday’s and he had nowhere to go. Since I can’t force him to leave, I had no choice but to let him sleep on the couch. I did confirm that the office was closed as I don’t trust anything he says at this point. He also complained that he has no friends to call (which has been something I’ve been bringing up for several years). He even had the gall to try to tell me that he was going to pour everything out and quit for Mother’s Day, but he hadn’t had a chance to tell me before I dropped this bombshell… Sure…. Isn’t that quite the coincidence! He wasn’t saying that the night before when he was drinking almost 3 bottles!

firebolt

"iwasgunnabut" Straight out of the alcoholic's handbook...

Same word is in the codie's handbook too...but it looks like you don't use that anymore.

Stay strong - hoping for a speedy end to it all for you!!

Hummer

Best wishes to you - I hope you get things sorted soon and you're able to reclaim the peaceful life you deserve.

Sasha1972

Good on you! It sounds like you are taking the right steps to reclaim your life. I'm cheering for you.

"I was gonna stop drinking for Mother's Day but you didn't even give me a chance to tell you" - seriously, can he not hear how ridiculous he sounds?

Dontreallycare

Saw my lawyer today. Originally, I was going in to sign the complaint. Basically, that would be served to AH and he would then know that I’ve hired a lawyer to start separation/divorce proceedings. When I got there, he hadn’t had a chance to see everything I send him. Once he started looking through, he stated that I’d have to come back to sign because there was a lot more he needed to add. He said that originally, he thought the complaint would just contain the 4 or 5 things I mentioned on my first consult. In his words, what I had documented was “gold”. His description of AH at that point was less than flattering. He couldn’t believe the amount of detail I had.

firebolt

God help the person that gets in your way.

This is great news - keep moving forward!!

LexieCat

Sounds like you got a good lawyer!

Dontreallycare

I'm hoping so. He came highly recommended. What was funny is that he new my STBXAH's old lawyer when he was just an intern. He's retired now, so I don't know who STBXAH is going to use. And I know he doesn't have any money. He had to borrow from me to defend himself against his ex-wife's allegations regarding his drinking around their kids.

LexieCat

Lawyers who all practice in the same geographical and subject-matter areas all tend to know each other. It's very helpful to know one's adversary, whether you like him/her or not. Gives you an idea what to expect.

What impresses me about your guy is that he is actively keeping an eye out for things that can help your case. I think it's good that he is holding off on the complaint so he can include them.

Dontreallycare

Hey guys! I need your help. Today I go to sign the papers that will get my AH out of the house. The problem is that since Mother's Day, he's been attending AA every day (sometimes twice) and hasn't touched a drop. I'm starting to feel guilty, but I know that this situation has been over eight years in the making. How do I deal with the guilt of asking him to leave when he's doing everything I've been asking him to do? Yes, it does look different from every other time he "quit", but I still don't know if it's the whole "pink cloud" I'm seeing. He keeps talking about a future that I know isn't likely to happen, at least not for a year if he does stay sober.

PuzzledHeart

He may be sensing that you're pulling away, and is willing to temporarily suspend drinking to stop you from proceeding. Of course, once you do that, it's back to the regularly scheduled program.

One year sobriety means something - one week because you think your wife may divorce you means zilch. It's manipulative behavior, which you don't want in a spouse anyway, with or without the alcohol.

atalose

That’s the idea of his jumping into AA and not drinking, to guilt you into not proceeding with what’s been in the making for 8 years. 12 days of trying is a tiny drop in the bucket after 8 years. I am sure that once you proceed his newfound not drinking and AA will come to an abrupt stop. And I can almost guarantee you that you will be the blame for his failing to remain sober. You are probably the blame for him having to get sober now and then you will be the blame when he fails……it’s a no win situation, please proceed with your plans.