hopeful4

So....I had counseling the other day. I told my counselor about sending my XAH a pic of our daughter for a special occasion, and him turning it into a big conversation all about him and how he did not get a pic w/her.

My counselor explained to me that I need to stop being so nice. That my XAH is an abusive person, and that I keep trying to build this coparenting bridge with him, and that he keeps kicking the bridge down time after time, thus giving himself opportunities to emotionally abuse me, leaving me scratching my head trying to figure out where in the world it just came from (it's truly the most strange things out of the blue).

He reminded me that he gets emails from school regarding when events are and is kept up to date, that he has open communications w our kids to make time to spend w/them if he chooses, and that he too knew when the pictures were going to be and could have come there just like I did to get pics.

While I thought I have minimized contact, I realized the counselor is right. I have always felt it is my obligation to try to do these things just to be nice, because it's what parents should do for each other. Why am I being nice to someone who mentally abuses me when he feels like it? The counselor said if he notices I have stopped, that I should tell him that if he wants to truly sit down with a counselor and work on coparenting that I am all for it, but until he can treat me like a human being, 100% of the time, that I choose not to engage w/him unless it is 100% necessary. And those nice extras are NOT necessary.

So...that is what I am working on. I have explained this to my accountability people (as well as you fine people who I know will help me stay in check, love you all) so that I truly work on this.

So....this feels good. These things always give me anxiety. Even sending that pic gave me anxiety b/c I KNEW what he would do, and he proved me right, again.

Moving forward with a good attitude and doing what I can to protect my own sanity! Thanks for listening if you have gotten this far!

LexieCat

I like your counselor--he sounds very smart. And it sounds like a good plan. Choosing to forego "nice" isn't the same as being "mean" or "hostile."

dandylion

Hopeful....I think another way of putting what you counselor is trying to say is....
"Don't hand him bullets for his gun"

Another saying that I am sure that I have posted to you, in the past.....
"If you offer your hand, they will take the arm"...

These do not apply when working with normal, reasonable, co-operative people.....but, that isn't what you are dealing with...right?

hopeful4

Yes, both of you ladies are correct! That is just what the counselor said. This is not dealing with a normal, cooperative person, so my actions have to be adjusted.

I have GREATLY minimized contact, and his wife has been blocked for quite some time, giving me much more peace. However, I have always done these things I think because he has always made me feel guilty that I have more time w/our children. However, that is his CHOICE. He wants everything on his terms, and life just does not work that way.

firebolt

Your counselor sounds great, Hopeful!

I hope that removing the unnecessary gestures from your relationship with him will spare you some suffering! Misery loves company, and when they know they can make us miserable too, well they go for it, don't they?! THanks for sharing!