Incredible amount of pain
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Incredible amount of pain
No new contact, no new pain. Boy do I now know this to be true. AXBF called at 2.45 AM on my landline and we had long silence and he wished me belated wishes and asked about my eviction notice. Asked if the dogs are sleeping and if they'll be fine even if I get evicted.
I couldn't speak, it was as if there was a giant lump in my throat. I was up for a while controlling the tears and went to sleep. Went to office and functioned as normal but when I came home, I just couldn't control myself. Cried the rest of the day uncontrollably. Missing him and wishing things weren't this bad. I couldn't recognize his voice at first and asked multiple times who it was. I was so mad at myself for not recognizing his voice and then I thought he sounded so different. He was sober, that much I know. The pain is unbearable combined with some level of suicidal thoughts. Although I know I won't do it, it just feels like I can't bear anything and feel like my heart is on fire. I miss him so much. I had some hope for him to call and when he did, I didn't know what to say. Why does it have to be so hard? I just want to be normal without this depression.
I couldn't speak, it was as if there was a giant lump in my throat. I was up for a while controlling the tears and went to sleep. Went to office and functioned as normal but when I came home, I just couldn't control myself. Cried the rest of the day uncontrollably. Missing him and wishing things weren't this bad. I couldn't recognize his voice at first and asked multiple times who it was. I was so mad at myself for not recognizing his voice and then I thought he sounded so different. He was sober, that much I know. The pain is unbearable combined with some level of suicidal thoughts. Although I know I won't do it, it just feels like I can't bear anything and feel like my heart is on fire. I miss him so much. I had some hope for him to call and when he did, I didn't know what to say. Why does it have to be so hard? I just want to be normal without this depression.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
ltuvia, so sorry you are feeling so down. 
Why on earth would he call at 2:45 AM? That's really weird. Getting a call at the time is upsetting for any reason.
I promise you, this pain won't last, it just takes time. I know that sounds lame but it's true. I hope you have some in-person support?
Praying for comfort and peace for you.
Why on earth would he call at 2:45 AM? That's really weird. Getting a call at the time is upsetting for any reason.I promise you, this pain won't last, it just takes time. I know that sounds lame but it's true. I hope you have some in-person support?
Praying for comfort and peace for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
It doesn't have to be like this. Please block his number . I know how hard it is, but that truly was a turning point for me to start feeling better. Hang in there - he isn't everything. A beautiful, HAPPY life is on the other side of this.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
AXBF called at 2.45 AM on my landline
He was sober, that much I know
Why couldn’t he have called you on your bday at a decent time to wish you a happy bday NO he wanted until 2:45AM to do that and you want to believe he was not drunk.
No matter how much you miss him and may want to read more into this middle of the night phone call, it was very disrespectful and so inconsiderate on his part.
It’s hard because you are holding on to something that only hurts you and will continue to hurt you.
I'm sorry he picked at this scar again, maybe it's time to really batten down all the hatches and block him from your landline.
And Happy Belated Bday !!
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I'm sorry you are feeling so miserable. Hang in there.
I know you really want to believe he was sober, but I have to agree with the others here - sober people don't make calls out of the blue at 2.45 am unless there is an emergency. In my own experience with an addict, any strange behaviour after a certain hour was always alcohol-related in some way.
But either way there is no need to read too much into one phone call. Since you are hurting so much, perhaps breaking off all contact for a while is the way to go.
I know you really want to believe he was sober, but I have to agree with the others here - sober people don't make calls out of the blue at 2.45 am unless there is an emergency. In my own experience with an addict, any strange behaviour after a certain hour was always alcohol-related in some way.
But either way there is no need to read too much into one phone call. Since you are hurting so much, perhaps breaking off all contact for a while is the way to go.
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He sounded so sober and I have never been wrong about that. Because it was at that time and I was in deep sleep, I woke up with heart palpitations when I answered. I can't block his number on the landline but I will ask my provider if there is a way through the phone.
Atalose, you're right and others too. Normal people don't call at that time but I keep thinking he must have been contemplating it the whole day and he read about the whole eviction thing in the paper and called to ask if the dogs will be safe. Even though he didn't really bother for three whole months. I don't even know why he did that.
Atalose, you're right and others too. Normal people don't call at that time but I keep thinking he must have been contemplating it the whole day and he read about the whole eviction thing in the paper and called to ask if the dogs will be safe. Even though he didn't really bother for three whole months. I don't even know why he did that.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Normal people don't call at that time but I keep thinking he must have been contemplating it the whole day and he read about the whole eviction thing in the paper and called to ask if the dogs will be safe. Even though he didn't really bother for three whole months. I don't even know why he did that.
No he wasn’t contemplating it the whole day because if that were true he would have called at a decent time like a decent person would.
And about the dogs……….you mean the ones he hasn’t bother with in months or even asked about, showed any kind of genuine interest in?
And so he read about the eviction in the paper, when was it published in the paper? And why couldn’t he call at that time to inquire about the dogs and if they will be alright, like a decent person would have.
He called because he was drunk, he got an idea in his head at that very moment – 2:45AM and with no impulse control did what he wanted to do at the moment he wanted to do it……….it’s that simple.
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"I don't even know why he did that."
It really is irrelevant, does not matter. What is relevant and really
does matter in your recovery and journey to a healthy self,
is why YOU do the things you do. Please stop trying to understand
insanity - it's hurting you so badly as you've posted. Calling you
in the middle of the night was so disrespectful and cowardly.
And I would bet my money that he was drunk or high.
It really is irrelevant, does not matter. What is relevant and really
does matter in your recovery and journey to a healthy self,
is why YOU do the things you do. Please stop trying to understand
insanity - it's hurting you so badly as you've posted. Calling you
in the middle of the night was so disrespectful and cowardly.
And I would bet my money that he was drunk or high.
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The article came on my birthday. And he called that night. Yes he didn't ask about the dogs earlier. I saw his calls in blocked numbers on my phone and since he couldn't get to my mobile, he has called my landline.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by Ituvia 
He sounded so sober and I have never been wrong about that. Because it was at that time and I was in deep sleep, I woke up with heart palpitations when I answered. I can't block his number on the landline but I will ask my provider if there is a way through the phone.
Atalose, you're right and others too. Normal people don't call at that time but I keep thinking he must have been contemplating it the whole day and he read about the whole eviction thing in the paper and called to ask if the dogs will be safe. Even though he didn't really bother for three whole months. I don't even know why he did that.
Atalose, you're right and others too. Normal people don't call at that time but I keep thinking he must have been contemplating it the whole day and he read about the whole eviction thing in the paper and called to ask if the dogs will be safe. Even though he didn't really bother for three whole months. I don't even know why he did that.
Do you not have caller ID on your home phone? If not it's best time to get one and don't answer the phone to anyone you don't know. Or just have it disconnected and use just your cell.
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Oh, sweetie. Sigh. You're making up all these scenarios in your head where he feels the way you do and surely that's a sign of hope and an imminent recovery on his part?
Nope. There are plenty of other scenarios that are just as likely, yes? He just woke up from being passed out drinking for a day and a half. One of his more sober drinking buddies who can actually read saw the story in the paper and mentioned it to him. You crossed his mind because he saw a dog on TV that looked like yours.
There are a zillion possibilities here, but the salient fact is that projecting what you're feeling onto him is 99% unlikely to be reality.
I was thinking about you and it reminded me of that book, "He Is Just Not That Into You." It's about how women (and I'm sure men too sometimes) read all this meaning and nuance into the tiniest thing from a man they're interested in and all the guy is thinking is "Geez, it's been a long time since I've had a bologna sandwich. I should make one."
Here's a good article on this phenomenon...
Why Women Don't Recognize -- 'He's Just Not That Into You' | HuffPost
Don't do this to yourself, okay?
Sending you a hug.
Nope. There are plenty of other scenarios that are just as likely, yes? He just woke up from being passed out drinking for a day and a half. One of his more sober drinking buddies who can actually read saw the story in the paper and mentioned it to him. You crossed his mind because he saw a dog on TV that looked like yours.
There are a zillion possibilities here, but the salient fact is that projecting what you're feeling onto him is 99% unlikely to be reality.
I was thinking about you and it reminded me of that book, "He Is Just Not That Into You." It's about how women (and I'm sure men too sometimes) read all this meaning and nuance into the tiniest thing from a man they're interested in and all the guy is thinking is "Geez, it's been a long time since I've had a bologna sandwich. I should make one."
Here's a good article on this phenomenon...
Why Women Don't Recognize -- 'He's Just Not That Into You' | HuffPost
Don't do this to yourself, okay?
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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The stove is STILL hot.
You were talking only a few days ago about whether he would contact you for your birthday. I didn't say it, but I was sincerely hoping he wouldn't. See what it does to you?
There was ZERO reason for him to call you at that hour. If he had truly wanted to wish you a good day--for old times' sake--he could have called you at a reasonable hour. Still, that wouldn't have made you feel any better, would it? You'd still be pining over him.
If you sincerely wish to heal, and truly cannot block him on your landline, I'd suggest you do one of two things. Send him a letter telling him not to contact you again. That's it, no re-hashing old times, saying you miss him, thanking him for the birthday wishes. Just "Please don't contact me again."
Alternatively, if he gets through again on your landline, say it then. Say it immediately, and then HANG UP. It won't destroy him, trust me.
There is NO FUTURE with him, and no reason to communicate with him.
You were talking only a few days ago about whether he would contact you for your birthday. I didn't say it, but I was sincerely hoping he wouldn't. See what it does to you?
There was ZERO reason for him to call you at that hour. If he had truly wanted to wish you a good day--for old times' sake--he could have called you at a reasonable hour. Still, that wouldn't have made you feel any better, would it? You'd still be pining over him.
If you sincerely wish to heal, and truly cannot block him on your landline, I'd suggest you do one of two things. Send him a letter telling him not to contact you again. That's it, no re-hashing old times, saying you miss him, thanking him for the birthday wishes. Just "Please don't contact me again."
Alternatively, if he gets through again on your landline, say it then. Say it immediately, and then HANG UP. It won't destroy him, trust me.
There is NO FUTURE with him, and no reason to communicate with him.
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Originally Posted by Ituvia
Missing him and wishing things weren't this bad. .... The pain is unbearable combined with some level of suicidal thoughts. Although I know I won't do it, it just feels like I can't bear anything and feel like my heart is on fire. I miss him so much. I had some hope for him to call and when he did, I didn't know what to say. Why does it have to be so hard? I just want to be normal without this depression.
If you're not ready for total no contact, you're not ready - and that's OK. If you are, then this phone call helped you clarify that for yourself. Getting better with co-dependency is about learning how to live our lives for ourselves and in our way, including handling our alcoholic loved ones if we so choose and establishing boundaries that feel right for us.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
Are you attending Al-Anon meetings? They are great for when you're all mixed up and don't know what to do, especially with pain. They don't fix right then and there, but they do take the pressure off of being alone with your pain. Just sitting in community with others can be enough healing for today. If you're not ready to completely sever him, you're going to have a lot of conflict about trying to cut him off and you'll feel guilt on top of it - guilt for not being able to do what everyone is telling you that you should do. Again, Al-Anon is great for just saying your piece, being heard, and letting the magic of acceptance do its thing.
If you're not ready for total no contact, you're not ready - and that's OK. If you are, then this phone call helped you clarify that for yourself. Getting better with co-dependency is about learning how to live our lives for ourselves and in our way, including handling our alcoholic loved ones if we so choose and establishing boundaries that feel right for us.
If you're not ready for total no contact, you're not ready - and that's OK. If you are, then this phone call helped you clarify that for yourself. Getting better with co-dependency is about learning how to live our lives for ourselves and in our way, including handling our alcoholic loved ones if we so choose and establishing boundaries that feel right for us.
Ituvia I hope you can start putting some days together of no contact but I like what Fallenangelina said above as far as you have to be ready for no-contact.
Hugs
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All of you are right with your points. I don't know why he called at 2.45 AM but somehow at that minute, I think I didn't have anything to say and I was in deep sleep so couldn't even recognize his voice but there was long silence throughout the call. Next day I went to office as per usual and came home and had a breakdown because I felt horrible as to why this should happen. Somehow I started telling myself that he was thinking about me. I cannot accept that he is horrible because he is not
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You had an expectation that he would call you on your bday but that expectation did not turn out as you wished it would. Instead of a kind and caring, I miss you warm birthday greeting you got a silence phone call at a 2:45AM that amounted to nothing more than further hurt and disappointment.
You want him to feel as you do, unable to move forward and all filled with sadness and he proves to you once again, that is not where he is coming from.
I don’t think anyone here said that he is a horrible person, but his alcoholic/addict behavior toward you is certainly not stellar.
This guy is done with the relationship and you can’t hold on to someone who doesn’t want to stay. It’s as if you want to keep watering a dead flower hoping, wishing, praying that it comes back to life.
You want him to feel as you do, unable to move forward and all filled with sadness and he proves to you once again, that is not where he is coming from.
I don’t think anyone here said that he is a horrible person, but his alcoholic/addict behavior toward you is certainly not stellar.
This guy is done with the relationship and you can’t hold on to someone who doesn’t want to stay. It’s as if you want to keep watering a dead flower hoping, wishing, praying that it comes back to life.
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Exactly. "Horrible-fying" him isn't necessary. It's never a good thing to nurture resentments.
All you need to do is exactly what SparkleKitty said--recognize that he is BAD NEWS for you. Not a suitable partner. Not right for you.
There are some terrific, nice people out there in the world. To the extent you have your fingers dug into this guy--even figuratively--you are going to have a hard time taking the hand of a kind person when it is extended, or to reach out, yourself, with an open heart.
All you need to do is exactly what SparkleKitty said--recognize that he is BAD NEWS for you. Not a suitable partner. Not right for you.
There are some terrific, nice people out there in the world. To the extent you have your fingers dug into this guy--even figuratively--you are going to have a hard time taking the hand of a kind person when it is extended, or to reach out, yourself, with an open heart.
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