kenton

Something's troubling me and I'm not sure what to do......

A family friend recently died and her funeral is later this week. In normal circumstances, I would definitely take the time off work and be at her funeral. This person always made time for me when I was a child and I'd like to pay my respects. Being at the funeral is the right thing to do.

However, several members of my birth family will be at the funeral and I don't feel strong enough yet to face them. Issues with my birth family is my biggest trigger and I'm not blaming any of them for that, that's just how it is. None of them know I'm in recovery, none of them know how hard I've worked to get 189 days sober. I don't think that seeing them will send me rushing to the nearest pub but the thought of seeing them is triggering some pretty major anxiety and I desperately don't want to get derailed.

Is it ok to miss important events like funerals if there is even the slightest chance of relapse? I'm thinking of visiting the grave next week to say my goodbyes instead. But I don't know if this is a cop out. Isn't an important part of recovery learning to face your fears and develop coping mechanisms that do not involve drinking? Any advice would be welcome. Thank you

Dee74

I think it's perfectly ok to take care of yourself in early recovery (and after of course - but especially at this time).

Funerals are for the living. You can remember and honour your friend in some other private meaningful way

D

kenton

Thanks Dee, I think I was looking for reassurance that it's ok to put my recovery first. Hopefully with more sober time, I'll get better at reassuring myself. Thank you

mejorando

I love the message by Dee-you can still honor them privately if you´re uncomfortable.

We can only put others first when we make sobriety a priority-seems paradoxical but it´s true.

Thank you for posting and inspiring me today

FreedomCA

I agree. Even if someone wasn't in sobriety, it's important to take care of yourself and not do things because others make you feel guilty, etc. If someone gives you a difficult time about not doing something, then it's best to limit contact with such a person.

kenton

Thanks mejorando and FreedomCA. Great advice. Appreciate it

Puca

Hi Kenton,

I was in a similar situation back in February of this year.

I was roughly 60 days into my recovery and my sons grandfather passed away. I knew I wanted to be there at the funeral but all of that week the anxiety was building and building. I would have in my drinking days, drank a lot with the extended family. I am 5+ years in recovery and dealing with abstinence from alcohol.

In the end I went to the funeral, as difficult of a decision it was to make. I struggled through the whole thing, and decided that I would not go to the service afterwards in the pub, that way i could avoid the drinking part. That night on returning back to my home, i lost it and went drinking alone. This didn't end very well as it never does.

I restarted my recovery 2-3 days later, and tried to learn from the experience.

I can't tell you what the right thing to do is, as only you know the answer to that. But maybe try and look at all the options before you make a decision. one of my fears would have been to not go, but i knew i would be then dealing with the aftermath of " i should have gone etc.... " which probably would have led to a relapse either way.

Looking back i am glad i went to the funeral, for my sons sake and to pay my respects even tho it was a struggle, i got through it.

I do hope this helps you in some way. and you make the choice for you.
good luck

tomsteve

my condolences to you. it has to be a hard decision to make. it reads like this person has a place in your heart and some good memories for you.
personally I think you should ask yourself this:
what would the family friend want you to do?

pay respects-
to honour someone after their death.
to express your admiration or friendly feeling for someone

maybe you could contact the family of the friend before or after the funeral? maybe send them a card of condolence?

Anna

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope that you can find an alternative way to honour your friend, rather than going to the funeral. Yes, we need to face our fears in recovery, but timing is everything. This sounds like it may not be the best time to be with your family.

Mizzuno

You can pay your respects at any time. I agree with Dee, Funerals are for the living.

My condolences to you. Loss is the hardest part of life, in my opinion.

PhoenixJ

Yes

kevlarsjal

Hi Kenton

I think learning to face our fears is important and should be done but not for any price! It's a bit like when I postponed my doctors appointment in that dreaded area so I won't have to face it on my own. And I'm sure your friend would be happier to see you taking care of yourself and being responsible than attending her funeral if it puts you in that much distress.

My oldest aunt died some weeks ago and I didn't attend her funeral for similar reasons. There are so many other ways to say goodbye. You could just light a candle in honour of her when the ceremony takes place and think of her and your shared memories. And like you said, you can always visit her grave later.

Initially I felt relieved when I decided I won't go to the funeral but then I started to feel guilty and to beat myself up about it.
What I am trying to learn at the moment is to not do things purely cause I think they'd be 'the right thing to do', it's what's expected of me or just because it's the norm. If I don't want to do something and don't have to do it. I am a grown up and I am entitled to make these decisions for myself. I don't exist only to function and serve to others expectations. I am the one making the decisions in my life and if I keep making them based on what I think others expect or what I should do, I will end up living a life others expect me to or a life I think I should live. Not the life I actually want to live.

So there's no reason to beat myself up for the decisions I made, I had my reasons and they were the right ones

And yes, recovery is about facing fears but also about self care and setting boundaries.

kenton

Thanks all,

Really grateful for the advice. I've bought a condolence card that I was going to give to the family at the funeral but I think I'll spend some time writing it now and post it instead. I feel that the funeral should be about remembering my friend and supporting her family in their grief. Turning up with all my anxiety would feel like an intrusion on that grief. Best way I can honour my friend is by taking every step I can to ensure my continued sobriety. And if that means staying away from her funeral, I know she would understand.

On a side note, if anyone is lurking and reading this, please see how many thoughtful, kind and wise responses I got to my post. If you have a question or feel unsure about anything to do with your recovery, my advice would be to post here. Sometimes you just need a different perspective from people who really understand.

Thanks again everyone