Blondie

Now that I have been working my program for a few years (more then three), I think about past interactions with my husband's family, and it occurs to me that there were three codependents fighting for control of the whole family. There was me (of course), my mother-in-law, and my sister-in-law all trying to gain our own type of control over everybody else. It made holidays a nightmare.

My sister-in-law is not in the picture anymore (divorced), and that leaves me and my mother-in-law. I have gotton help, but she has not and now I see how co-dependent she is (she is always calling my husband and asking "are you OK", "how was the AA meeting? (are you still going)", "your not drinking are you" or the favorite "where were you and what did you do today" which she asks him everyday to ensure that he is not drinking again.

What I'm wondering is that once you get deep into your recovery, do you start to notice people who a really co-dependent (not that I'm perfect mind you) that you thought were normal before and do they start to really irritate you now that you are in recovery?

StandingStrong

Yes, and I believe it's very normal for your perceptions to change - concerning lots of things.
Working on recovery is an ongoing process. And I think we'd all agree that where we once felt one way - we now feel differently. Therefore, we grow - and we change - and thus see things differently.
There is a guy that I have worked with many years. Where I once saw him as the most kind, giving, loving person I'd ever met - I now question if he is codependant. Does it annoy me? No. It concerns me though. He has a heart of gold and truly loves people from the deepest part of his heart. I worry that someday someone will truly hurt him. I have talked to him about my own situation in hopes that he will see the similarities. I think he's gotten better about things, but I hope that he will never stop being the person that he is - I think sometimes codependant people become the extreme opposites and thus harden themselves.
But as I'm rambling, I guess I just wanted to say that Yes, I believe that we perceive things differently. Not just codependancy, but lots of things. I see that as progress though, not a bad thing.

splendra

yes....my perspective has definatly changed and I have to admit that I notice that I see certain behaviors in others much more quickly than I see them in myself!!! I have to remind myself that I could be looking in the mirror......

New Day

Slendra and standing strong, I see myself in your words. Two main points, I am codependent and have come and gone from working on recovery and now I fear that I am becoming that person that has hardened myself. In taking an addiction relationship class two years ago, I remember being told the more you move away from unhealthy to healthy, you see that the majority of people are unhealty (mostly because most children are not taught healthy coping skills). Then, I think again that what is bugging me most about others is unfinished business in myself.

I agree with your quote, remember this: nice has a hiss.

My husband has bi-polar and I am constantly preaching to him about his recovery needs, but until recently I have not taken as proactive approach to my own. That is a pretty big mirror to look into!

gelfling

OMG Yes.

I never realized how screwed up and dysfunctional we all were until I started therapy and worked my program with alanon. I, of course, was just as bad as everyone else. Maybe even worse.

We're going through positive changes and are learning how to approach and react to different situations without the hysteria. We're thinking clearer and our train of thought is more organized. We've become independent, strong and happy.

Seeing other people who are still trapped in their dysfunctional situation jumps out at us immediately. It's not us anymore, so we're aware of what's not quite right.

I call this growth, blessings and the love of God . We can pray that the other people will one day decide to grow and decide to abandon the insanity. Until then, I'll continue living my life, working my program, learning, loving, growing in health and sanity.

Blessings, Kathy

Peaches04

Hi! Yes, I agree completely! Since I started recovery, my perspective has changed so many times, sometimes it makes me laugh! I think that is why they say not to make any big changes for the first year (or whatever it is ). My AH and I went to counseling and I went from being desolate one week, to being enraged and angry and ready to kick his a$$ out the next week, to thinking maybe it wasn't so bad, to asking him nicely and calmly to leave the next week...so, yes, mine changes constantly!!! And I am much, much more cognizant of unhealthy behaviors in other people...I constantly remind myself "there, but for the grace of God, go I". So, hopefully, this is common because it sure has happened to me!