Scorpiogirl1120

Hi everyone,
Things finally ascalated to the point where AH went to detox... rehab is set for after, but I am not counting on him definitely going until he's actually there. He's been sleeping in his car since he couldn't come in drunk. After being in such bad shape yesterday morning, he said he just wants to die and planned on drinking enough vodka until he did. He wouldn't listen to me and we're just about at the anniversary ofor his brothers suicide. So, after laying on thick the aftermath his death would cause everyone and he still didn't care, I called his mom on speaker and told him that he should at least tell her his plan so she could prepare for it. It made him break down, I told her what was going on and he promised to let me find help for him. I already had the numbers aND install prepared so it only took 30 mins to set up.

When it sunk in and it was real that transport was coming, he ttied to leave to get vodka and drink himself to death instead. I literally locked us in our room and wouldn't let him out until they got there. Transport came, He finely went.

But... he hates me so much. No goodbye, nothing except "go for yourself, you're a scumbag." He absolutely loathes me right now and wants nothing of do with me, says he won't be with me because I'm insane and he just despises me and that he now knows I have no heart and don't love him.
Have any of you had your A react to you like this when you tried to help? Did they realize that you did it because you love them not the opposite. I finally had some hope that we could have a good relationship again with him getting sober, we have always had a really strong love bond and loving eachother has never been our issue. Could he really hate me that much and think I was so wrong?

PhoenixJ

He does not hate you- he hates himself and wants to share the hate around. Aiicdtion- it is a harsh mistress. It gets sick of those affected by it whining. Now it is just down to booze and me- that is where I got. I do not hate my family, point of fact I love them BUT my drinking was too damaging- so they left me forsaken. I do not blame, I understand. Stay sake- avoid the wake of destruction. My career with booze was all consuming. My empathy and compassion and support to you and yours. Keep posting.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Perhaps al-anon might help.

Spinner-007

The issue is really about how we're trying to interpret their actions as if they are sober and sane. An active addict is neither.

We still make the same mistake in thinking and using rational reason, logic, etc as an effective means to communicate with them. It's really not. You're talking on one wavelength, they're listening on another.

As for hate: they only hate that we have a problem with their drinking/drugging. They could really care less about us because they don't care about themselves.

When you're trying to come between him and his drug of choice, you've become the enemy in his mind.

LatteQueen

In my opinion, you are doing the right thing. He doesn't hate you, he is just very angry at himself. You may have just saved his life! I'm glad you had the numbers, etc. ready. I didn't realize that you could get a transport to come and get them. I wish I knew that before. My A tells me he hates me, I don't love him, etc. when I try to help. It is horrible to hear, especially when you really love your A. I just tell myself that he is mad at himself and it is easier to blame me...I try to let it slide off of my shoulders and let it not get to me. Just remember that he isn't really mad at you..he is mad at himself, but he's taking it out on you. Stay strong!!!

FeelingGreat

He's not in his right mind S-girl, and he's facing having his drink taken away and becoming sober. I hope he goes for the rehab after detox, but don't count on it.
I can't imagine how stressed you must feel right now; don't forget to look after yourself. You can only take on his life so far, and the rest is up to him.

atalose

I don't mean this is a harsh way but you are dealing with an out of control alcoholic who at that moment was hell bent on drinking himself to death. There are much bigger issues going on here then your hurt feeling because he said he hates you.

I'd get yourself to al-anon, therapy, counseling something and quickly jump into your own recovery while he is or isn't going to jump into his own.

PuzzledHeart

My mom threatened suicide once and said she would never speak to me again if I called 911.

I told her that I loved her enough for her to hate me for doing something that would save her life.

She still talks to me.

AnvilheadII

i intervened on a suicide attempt by my then "best friend" - i went to see him in the hospital the next day - they had him strapped to the bed and he looked at me with hate and disgust. but he was still very much alive and is to this day,,,,,,,,,,he was hugely mortified at what he had done, and all the fuss afterwards, he couldn't even stand to look into the face of someone who cared.

this all happened yesterday....i think it's too soon to determine how it will all play out. if he will embrace recovery. and who he will be if he does so. recovery is a LONG journey.

Scorpiogirl1120

Atalose, yes there are about 6545 other issues that are going on here and I'm not discounting any of them. This is simply one more thing that I'm wondering about amidst this chaos. No, this is not the biggest issue, but it's still a question in my mind and I'm fairly certain I have a right to question it

Lovebug7

Hi, I'm new here. But I will say that from what I have learned, he doesn't hate you. He's mad at himself and displaces his anger onto you.

Sasha1972

Maybe he's ashamed by the mess he's turned into, and he's angry at you because you've witnessed that mess. He pins his feelings of embarrassment, despair and self-hate on you so that you become the cause of all his pain, rather than acknowledging that he himself is the problem.

HeartbrokenGuy

Hi all,

I had similar experiences with my fiancé. One specific time comes to mind when we had her taken to the hospital and she proceeded to tell me and her daughter how much she hated us.

When she sobered up the next day in the hospital she said she couldn't remember saying it. Whether she did or didn't wasn't important.

My experience with her was that she did hate us in those moments because we were standing in the way of her drinking. And anyone who does that gets the brunt of their ire.

It was less about self hatred and more about being an obstacle in the way of her continuing to drink.

Her self hatred caused her to say and do other things

madgirl

He appears to be incapable of an empathetic, reciprocal relationship at this point. I wouldn't take anything he says personally - this person is consumed with AV (alcoholic voice). It is difficult to describe that voice to a non-alcoholic - it becomes pure hell because all you want is another drink. There is no quenching that thirst.

Peace to you.

shockozulu

Alcohol is a jealous mistress. She will hate anyone that gets in the way of her and your husband. She wants your husband all to herself. Its not you, its the alcohol that is speaking for your husband.

Sending healing hugs your way

teatreeoil007

I'm sure he doesn't hate you. He's LASHING out at you though. Not unlike a emotionally charged up teenager when the parents stick to boundaries for their own good. They call you 'stupid' and all sorts of things when you deny them permission to do something they want to do that would be bad for them; just trying to protect them. Try to let it roll off you like water off a duck's back...hopefully he'll come to his senses. And he'll say things like "I don't care!!". It's not true. He's angry and he's not thinking straight. Another thing to remember is that the folks working with him in therapy and what not are going to tick him off too as they hold him accountable and get him to face things. If he's pissed at them from time to time they are likely doing their jobs. Stay strong and try not to dwell on his words. He's acting out.