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I am a mess

Old 05-05-2017, 07:10 PM
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I am a mess

Literally a mess. Kids are at Exes Nannas for the weekend and I have gone mad. I have sent my mum a text telling her all about her shortfalls ( which she needs to hear) of course. My therapist told me my mum will never change unless she has a heavy instrument to her head or finds god! So I should accept her. I can't, she is a conundrum to me. All she does is moan when she has so much and she tells me and my sister that she is the black sheep of the family. She doesn't bother with her grandchildren and I literally hate her for it. Maybe i should make more of an effort , I don't know anymore. So am gonna be back on Day 1, sat and drank, wallowed and felt sorry for me as usual. Missing my dad so much and wish I knew what was there once we are gone-want to make sure I can meet up with him
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Old 05-05-2017, 07:14 PM
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Sorry to hear you drank Amanda, it won't make any of your problems better...they will likely get worse actually, but you probably already know that. Perhaps the best move with your mother is to simply cut her out of your life for a while. Toxic relationships don't help anyone involved, so taking a break might be best for a but. More importantly though, what are you going to do to stay sober tomorrow?
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Old 05-05-2017, 07:37 PM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Sorry to hear you drank Amanda, it won't make any of your problems better...they will likely get worse actually, but you probably already know that. Perhaps the best move with your mother is to simply cut her out of your life for a while. Toxic relationships don't help anyone involved, so taking a break might be best for a but. More importantly though, what are you going to do to stay sober tomorrow?
Yes I think you are right regarding time away from my mum. I have done it in the past and we didn't talk for a couple of years and then we patched things up. She does make me mad though and I shrug it off and say well that's how my mum is but to be honest it's been killing me inside since I was 14 and I am now 43.... go figure!

Now my dad has died I just feel even more messed up. Then when I finally thought my life had turned around, sober, partner in life and 2 beautiful kids my son has special needs, my partner left because he had anger issues and couldn't cope with my sons melt downs. I am finding it so hard and always say to myself, you pathetic woman-get a grip there are worser things going on in the world but it never hits home. Need a hammer to my head. Sometimes I just think the best thing for everyone would be to take the holy train out of here but then that's a cop out.

As for staying sober tomorrow. I need to get to a meeting. I hate the ones by me, so clicky and everyone is quick to exit all the time. I stood and waited the last meeting and not one person approached me. Maybe I was giving off the wrong vibe as I felt really embarrassed and uncomfortable.
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Old 05-05-2017, 07:45 PM
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Hi Amanda - I don't think your mum is your worst problem right now, to be honest.

whats your plan to stop drinking?

Once I got a little sober time behind me all y other problems seemed a lot more manageable...

D
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Old 05-05-2017, 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi Amanda - I don't think your mum is your worst problem right now, to be honest.

whats your plan to stop drinking?

Once I got a little sober time behind me all y other problems seemed a lot more manageable...

D
I don't know Dee. I just get up every morning and do the same thing every day. I don't have people close to help out with the kids so I only go to meetings when the children's nanna has them which is not very often. So tired of it all. I have had a friend round before to watch the children so I can get to a meeting but my son has a mega melt down as I am leaving him so have given up on that. I feel so trapped. Just want out to be honest.
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Old 05-05-2017, 08:53 PM
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Does drinking in any way change your mum? Does it help you?
Empathy and support, PJ
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Old 05-05-2017, 09:06 PM
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Hi Amanda,

I'm sorry you drank, I have learns from expereince that any difficult situation can be made even more difficult when you add alcohol.

I'm currently home visiting my mom because she has some pretty serious health issues. I chose to move 3000 miles away because I fell in love, and I used to become sad because she wouldn't come out to visit me. Over the years I have reflected on the fact that it was my choice to move far away and we have had an excellent phone relationship, and I always come to see her with my kids. There is the chance I may lose my mom sooner than I would like, and it makes me very sad, and also makes me appreciate the time I have with her. Life is short, maybe you can find a way to accept her for who she is, and enjoy that part of your relationship.
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Old 05-05-2017, 11:53 PM
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Hi Amanda, I spent years when I was a child trying to make my mum like me. There's this expectation in society that mums will automatically and unconditionally love their children. A lot of us know that doesn't always happen. Dad was alcoholic but I was much closer to him because when he was sober he was really warm, loving and funny. I was devastated when he died. Still am. My mother has nothing to do with me and hasn't for many years but it still hurts when I hear about her meeting up with my siblings. The child in me always wonders why she likes them, but not me. Getting sober I've realised that my AV loves my terrible relationship with my mother. From when I started drinking at the age of 13 it has been my no. 1 trigger.

Realising this was really liberating. In a perfect world I'd love to know what's it like to have a mum who I can talk to on the phone or who listens or is interested in getting to know my kids. But in reality I've accepted that that is never going to happen. However, now instead of drinking away the hurt, I try to use it to help me become the best mum that I can be. I want to break the cycle of alcoholism and narcissism that is so entrenched in my birth family so that my children can have the childhoods they deserve.

Dealing with my no. 1 trigger means that my AV now looks for other triggers and it can always find something. After all, no one lives a charmed, stress free life. But drinking makes nothing better. I see that so clearly now. Sobriety isn't always easy because bad stuff still happens to sober people, but the bad stuff is so much easier to handle now.

I feel for you, I really do. I understand how much you miss your dad. In terms of your mum, you either need to cut her out of your life or accept her for who she is. Either way, you need to stop using your relationship with your mother as a trigger to drink. We have much in common and I'm happy to help support you through day 1 and every day after that xxx
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Old 05-06-2017, 03:25 AM
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Just spoke with my mum. We had a very long and honest chat and it went well. I feel awful now for slating her. I am such a disaster area. Feel so rubbish this morning. The hangover is killing me. Am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired Aaaaaargh!
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