Ex showed up drunk at kid's school
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Ex showed up drunk at kid's school
I am beyond angry at my ex. This afternoon he showed up drunk at our daughter's after-school care (located in her school) and tried to pick her up. The after-school staff, to their great credit, prevented him from leaving with her and called the police. The cops arrived, took him aside and called me. I brought her home and the cops took the ex off somewhere, probably driving him home, but at the moment I really don't care if they dumped him off a bridge.
So my daughter now has very special memories of seeing her drunk and possibly high father babbling at staff members she's known for years, and refusing to leave the premises when asked. She also has the pleasure of having seen her father taken away by the police. Fortunately I was able to get there in 15 minutes once the police called me. The staff also called a friend of mine, who is my emergency contact person, and she was able to get there before I did, so my daughter had her as well.
My daughter, 12, is pretty stoic and reserved, but the cops said she was crying when they got there. She is worried that everyone will look at her funny tomorrow because she's the kid with the drunk father. She keeps saying "maybe he wasn't drinking, maybe it was his medicine that made him act like that" - her denial and the desire to protect him is very strong.
I don't know how she is going to process this event. I don't know how best to support her. I am furious with ex and also with myself, because I allowed myself to think that he might be able to do okay if my daughter started spending more time with him (ex is on downward spiral - spent the past year in and out of rehab and psych wards, health and finances both trashed, currently on long-term disability from work and in the middle of ferociously hostile divorce from his second wife).
Any advice or thoughts are welcome. I have been postponing seeking sole custody of Kid because I kept clinging to this hope that maybe alcoholic ex could pull himself together enough to be a co-parent and the kind of father my daughter deserves. But maybe I've just been fooling myself.
So my daughter now has very special memories of seeing her drunk and possibly high father babbling at staff members she's known for years, and refusing to leave the premises when asked. She also has the pleasure of having seen her father taken away by the police. Fortunately I was able to get there in 15 minutes once the police called me. The staff also called a friend of mine, who is my emergency contact person, and she was able to get there before I did, so my daughter had her as well.
My daughter, 12, is pretty stoic and reserved, but the cops said she was crying when they got there. She is worried that everyone will look at her funny tomorrow because she's the kid with the drunk father. She keeps saying "maybe he wasn't drinking, maybe it was his medicine that made him act like that" - her denial and the desire to protect him is very strong.
I don't know how she is going to process this event. I don't know how best to support her. I am furious with ex and also with myself, because I allowed myself to think that he might be able to do okay if my daughter started spending more time with him (ex is on downward spiral - spent the past year in and out of rehab and psych wards, health and finances both trashed, currently on long-term disability from work and in the middle of ferociously hostile divorce from his second wife).
Any advice or thoughts are welcome. I have been postponing seeking sole custody of Kid because I kept clinging to this hope that maybe alcoholic ex could pull himself together enough to be a co-parent and the kind of father my daughter deserves. But maybe I've just been fooling myself.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
Dear ((((((Sasha))))))
Sending you and your daughter many hugs.
I can relate; was in almost exact situation(s) as your daughter decades ago. Still have numerous memories of embarrassment of/by my alcoholic father. I wish my mom had left him when I was 12; but she stayed until I was 18!
My advice; SOLE CUSTODY. He is NOT SOBER - AND OBVIOUSLY NOT WELL! He has proven he is unable to be a good, stable, safe parent.
My experience is that after a drunken incident, my peers never said anything to me directly. In fact a friend stood up for me a few times - I found out later. I still had friends. Even so, I secretly felt ashamed of my dad and myself. Then and sometimes even now.
Try to get your daughter into counseling or Alateen.
This crappy disease is definitely a Family Disease.
And I believe young children should be protected.
Hugs again to you both.
Sending you and your daughter many hugs.
I can relate; was in almost exact situation(s) as your daughter decades ago. Still have numerous memories of embarrassment of/by my alcoholic father. I wish my mom had left him when I was 12; but she stayed until I was 18!
My advice; SOLE CUSTODY. He is NOT SOBER - AND OBVIOUSLY NOT WELL! He has proven he is unable to be a good, stable, safe parent.
My experience is that after a drunken incident, my peers never said anything to me directly. In fact a friend stood up for me a few times - I found out later. I still had friends. Even so, I secretly felt ashamed of my dad and myself. Then and sometimes even now.
Try to get your daughter into counseling or Alateen.
This crappy disease is definitely a Family Disease.
And I believe young children should be protected.
Hugs again to you both.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so sorry, Sasha,
I think Alateen would be very good for your daughter--she can feel less alone with other kids who have been in the same situations.
I think he's adequately proved he is in no condition to parent for the time being. He doesn't have to be removed from her life, but I'd go for no unsupervised parenting time until he's proven himself reliable. Maybe an alcohol program with SoberLink or something like that.
As far as "supporting" your daughter, I'd just listen, validate her feelings, and gently work on getting her out of denial. You can tell her you're sure her dad didn't intend to embarrass her, but that alcoholism makes people not think straight and makes them think they aren't as drunk as they are. You can also tell her that ANYTIME she ever feels unsafe to find an adult to talk to about what's going on. That could be you, a teacher, a friend's parent.
Hugs to you both--this incident won't define her entire life. As long as she has one parent who will stick up for her, she can eventually process it.
I think Alateen would be very good for your daughter--she can feel less alone with other kids who have been in the same situations.
I think he's adequately proved he is in no condition to parent for the time being. He doesn't have to be removed from her life, but I'd go for no unsupervised parenting time until he's proven himself reliable. Maybe an alcohol program with SoberLink or something like that.
As far as "supporting" your daughter, I'd just listen, validate her feelings, and gently work on getting her out of denial. You can tell her you're sure her dad didn't intend to embarrass her, but that alcoholism makes people not think straight and makes them think they aren't as drunk as they are. You can also tell her that ANYTIME she ever feels unsafe to find an adult to talk to about what's going on. That could be you, a teacher, a friend's parent.
Hugs to you both--this incident won't define her entire life. As long as she has one parent who will stick up for her, she can eventually process it.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Sounds like it was handled as well as could be expected, you got
there quickly, staff was discerning, your friend arrived- that was good.
I agree with other posters and also that your daughter needs to
believe it is not her fault. None of it is - has nothing to do with her,
Nothing. It's not an easy age so she may benefit from some
counseling to ensure she's not blaming herself for any of this,
and to know that her value is not dependent on his behavior.
there quickly, staff was discerning, your friend arrived- that was good.
I agree with other posters and also that your daughter needs to
believe it is not her fault. None of it is - has nothing to do with her,
Nothing. It's not an easy age so she may benefit from some
counseling to ensure she's not blaming herself for any of this,
and to know that her value is not dependent on his behavior.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
The day I kicked my XAH out of the house, I caught in the nick of time that he was drunk and under the influence likely of a strong dose of RX drugs. At the last second, I drove to my child's school and picked her up, as he was going to. I barely made it.
I feel for you and your child. My child is near the same age as yours, and has delicate feelings. Counseling has helped immensely, I strongly recommend it. And do some research to make sure it's the right person.
Seek sole custody, he is in no shape to care for her in any environment. I would be very honest, in a kind way, to her about the disease of alcoholism.
Tight hugs. My heart is with you and your DD.
I feel for you and your child. My child is near the same age as yours, and has delicate feelings. Counseling has helped immensely, I strongly recommend it. And do some research to make sure it's the right person.
Seek sole custody, he is in no shape to care for her in any environment. I would be very honest, in a kind way, to her about the disease of alcoholism.
Tight hugs. My heart is with you and your DD.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Thank you for your words of advice. Our divorce order specifies that before we seek a change in the order, we must attend mediation. I'm going to call to make a mediation appointment today, with the intention of seeking a change in our order giving me custody. He's blown it repeatedly, and this incident shows that he's not yet willing to prioritize being a parent.
I will be checking back here for support because I think I know what's going to happen - I'm going to get either a very heartfelt apology or a long rationalization about why he was so stressed he got drunk and how it's not his fault and it will never happen again. I know I will need reminders not to believe this because I know I will want to believe that he's able to be a good parent. But he isn't.
I will be checking back here for support because I think I know what's going to happen - I'm going to get either a very heartfelt apology or a long rationalization about why he was so stressed he got drunk and how it's not his fault and it will never happen again. I know I will need reminders not to believe this because I know I will want to believe that he's able to be a good parent. But he isn't.
and smile, I will :)
Join Date: May 2017
Location: nebraska...BFE
Posts: 40
I'm so sorry for this pain.
My kids used to make jokes about asking AH things when he was drunk...because he always said yes...but deep down we all knew that the humor was just a way to deal with the BS of it all.
There's no two ways around it....it just hurts so bad to see our kids suffer like this.
As far as you just fooling yourself...what does your GUT tell you. In my opinion, my gut has never let me down and when I come here to ask questions, generally everyone just reconfirms what my gut has been telling me all along.
I've been working at really just listening to what my gut says. It's never led me astray. I don't know what your inner voice is telling you, but you may do well to take a listen, if you haven't already.
Sending hugs hugs and more hugs.
My kids used to make jokes about asking AH things when he was drunk...because he always said yes...but deep down we all knew that the humor was just a way to deal with the BS of it all.
There's no two ways around it....it just hurts so bad to see our kids suffer like this.
As far as you just fooling yourself...what does your GUT tell you. In my opinion, my gut has never let me down and when I come here to ask questions, generally everyone just reconfirms what my gut has been telling me all along.
I've been working at really just listening to what my gut says. It's never led me astray. I don't know what your inner voice is telling you, but you may do well to take a listen, if you haven't already.
Sending hugs hugs and more hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Make sure that when you call you emphasize this is an emergent situation--he tried to pick up your child while drunk. I think you can also ask your lawyer (or you can do it yourself) for an emergency order suspending visitation until your application can be heard. Call the family court and find out, if you don't have a lawyer.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
I know I will need reminders not to believe this because I know I will want to believe that he's able to be a good parent. But he isn't.
My daughter, 12, is pretty stoic and reserved, but the cops said she was crying when they got there. She is worried that everyone will look at her funny tomorrow because she's the kid with the drunk father. She keeps saying "maybe he wasn't drinking, maybe it was his medicine that made him act like that" - her denial and the desire to protect him is very strong.
I'm so sorry this happened, but maybe having these witnesses this time will really work in your& DD's favor. My DD is 12-almost-13 & this is a difficult time hormonally in the most "normal" of kids..... this kind of "extra" stuff hits like a tsunami for them. I remember because this is also how old I was when my dad nearly died in his DUI accident & things started to really, really ramp up in his addictions. Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"when I got sober I learned that all them reasons really were just excuses. they were experiences I never addressed through the years and used them for a selfish,self centered drunken pity party."
Part of an excellent honest post by tomsteve on this forum. Rationalizations,
no matter how long winded are just EXCUSES, and none of them will take away
the hurt and pain he has caused. The actions and behaviors of working a sobriety
program for a long period of time is the only "explanation" needed.
Part of an excellent honest post by tomsteve on this forum. Rationalizations,
no matter how long winded are just EXCUSES, and none of them will take away
the hurt and pain he has caused. The actions and behaviors of working a sobriety
program for a long period of time is the only "explanation" needed.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
My heart hurts for you and your daughter reading this. Seek sole custody. His downward spiral is his.
Big hug, I know you are trying to do the correct thing for your daughter but your job as her mom is to protect her from this nonsense of his. ( I know you know this ). I can totally relate.
Ro
Big hug, I know you are trying to do the correct thing for your daughter but your job as her mom is to protect her from this nonsense of his. ( I know you know this ). I can totally relate.
Ro
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I'm going to get either a very heartfelt apology or a long rationalization about why he was so stressed he got drunk and how it's not his fault and it will never happen again. I know I will need reminders not to believe this because I know I will want to believe that he's able to be a good parent. But he isn't.
actually if you hear EITHER of those you will know he is full of sh!t. if the man could truly experience horrifying remorse for his appalling actions, he'd be humbly and fervently seeking HELP at this very moment. he wouldn't have TIME for another round of alcoholic oaths (I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, It Will Never Happen Again (oh my!)) and he wouldn't waste another millisecond of brain space on cooking up yet another fantasmic rationalization, justification, or minimization.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. none. zip. NADA. he crossed a line.
actually if you hear EITHER of those you will know he is full of sh!t. if the man could truly experience horrifying remorse for his appalling actions, he'd be humbly and fervently seeking HELP at this very moment. he wouldn't have TIME for another round of alcoholic oaths (I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, It Will Never Happen Again (oh my!)) and he wouldn't waste another millisecond of brain space on cooking up yet another fantasmic rationalization, justification, or minimization.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. none. zip. NADA. he crossed a line.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I'm going to get either a very heartfelt apology or a long rationalization about why he was so stressed he got drunk and how it's not his fault and it will never happen again. I know I will need reminders not to believe this because I know I will want to believe that he's able to be a good parent. But he isn't.
actually if you hear EITHER of those you will know he is full of sh!t. if the man could truly experience horrifying remorse for his appalling actions, he'd be humbly and fervently seeking HELP at this very moment. he wouldn't have TIME for another round of alcoholic oaths (I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, It Will Never Happen Again (oh my!)) and he wouldn't waste another millisecond of brain space on cooking up yet another fantasmic rationalization, justification, or minimization.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. none. zip. NADA. he crossed a line.
actually if you hear EITHER of those you will know he is full of sh!t. if the man could truly experience horrifying remorse for his appalling actions, he'd be humbly and fervently seeking HELP at this very moment. he wouldn't have TIME for another round of alcoholic oaths (I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, It Will Never Happen Again (oh my!)) and he wouldn't waste another millisecond of brain space on cooking up yet another fantasmic rationalization, justification, or minimization.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. none. zip. NADA. he crossed a line.
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