freetosmile2

This is merely a glance back...I'm not having these feelings right now, but I remember them well and I feel it bears repeating them because of the choices I have ahead of me.

I sit and search for any sort of fact in their fiction. I understand that most of it is just lies....but maybe...maybe there's a shred of truth.

I'm certainly not going to be the one to stand on some damn pedestal, so maybe some good old fashion soul searching is in order..

Maybe I did "drive him to drink"..I do nag quite a bit. I know I talk alot. He's always told me that I talk too much. I talk a lot when I get nervous and most of the time I just end up making an ass of myself anyway.

Maybe the clothes that I was wearing that day WAS a bit outlandish. Maybe it really did give off the wrong message....I grew up in a very poor family, high school drop out, pregnant at 14 almost 15, and the only way I knew how to get my needs met was to find a man very early on.... So maybe he's right. I probably just am what he says I am...right? I should work on that... BIG time

And yes, he's right, no one really likes me all that much. I really do come off as a big know it all. I've ALWAYS had problems making friends. I talk too much, and then I say the wrong thing,,, and it just goes downhill from there.


I look back at all these FIXES... fixes that I forced upon myself....because it couldn't be ALL his fault, right?
I still do that to do this day. I am a firm believer in "get your own crap together before you start telling others how to get theirs together"

And so, I can come with a thousand things wrong with me and I've been "fortunate" enough to be married to someone who likes to tell me the EXACT same things I say to myself!! fancy that!

I think my OWN dysfunction is that I reject myself so often that I "need" to surround myself with those people that are going to also tell me those things. It will reconfirm somehow everything I've been told my whole life.
I'm starting to really grasp the fact that none of that is really true (besides the friends thing- I DO have a hard time with people).
I've been telling myself lies. Lies that keep me "in check". He's been telling lies as well and for the same purpose...

I can't keep living on with this constant self-rejection. I'm no better than he is if I continue down that road. My past, is exactly that, MY past. My life is NOT going to be filled with days of just sitting and critizing my every move. I will not live with a feeling of self-hate and constant doubt and sorrow that I can't be what I want to be.

I AM what I want to be. I am beautiful just the way I am, thank you very much!!

LexieCat

I think you're simply GORGEOUS, my dear!

Heck, we ALL have things about ourselves we could improve on. I can come off as a bit of a know-it-all, myself (not that anyone around HERE would ever notice, lol). But that doesn't mean we aren't good the way we are, that we aren't deserving of happiness.

That whole "let she who is without sin cast the first stone" might have some validity if you were judging him for all eternity, but you don't have to do that to decide he's bad news for you and your life.

I'm so glad you are working on the self-talk. I think that's REALLY important.

Bekindalways

Inspite of the struggle that comes through in your post ^^^^ This made me giggle.

I say something similar about my sister and myself, "Hey at least we have one thing in common . . . neither of us like me!" I know this points to some really sad underlying issues but it helps so much to laugh.

I don't know your story Freetosmile but have you made it to an alanon meeting. Instead of listening to your AH, it might be worthwhile to find someone far along in recovery and hear what they have to say.

AnvilheadII

a really good friend of mine in AA back in the day talked about these TAPES we play. old tapes. tapes that weren't even ours. and it's like we're driving down the road, and there's this pile of tapes in the back seat, and we just randomly reach back and grab one and stick it in the cassette.

ok sorry, i need to explain what a cassette player is for some of our viewers??? lol

our JOB is to start throwing out those old tapes and replace them with NEW ones.

ok, now this is a trip. this is MY post on this topic back in 2014
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4946805

the message remains!

dandylion

FTS.....you post shows a lot of insight.....
I have a suggestion...(imagine that!)........
On the subject of self-talk....there is a book that is considered a "classic", on this....It is a bit older. but the principles don't change....
"What to Say When You Talk To Yourself"....by Shad Helmstetter...
He has written a lot of books....you can see them all on amazon...
You can get this one (updated), on kindle for about seven dollars.
You can get a used paperback for three dollars (plus postage).....
It will give you concrete techniques on how to change your tapes....
Therapists usually have a basket full of techniques to work with clients on this subject....
I think you could print o ut your post on this and give it to your counselor.....

Smarie's recent thread hits on some of the same things you are talking about, so, you might benefit from reading her thread.....

suzyontour

Hi

I understand that feeling of rejection and abandonment. Its like the situation with my AH magnified all those insecurities in me and swamped me.

Every morning after we separated I would wake and all those feelings and insecurities would be on me. Then I remembered I am a child of God. I need not suffer this. I can choose how I want to start my day. So now I awake and I pray my little heart out as soon as I open my eyes. I declare verbally over my life all that is good, all that is true and all that is Kind. I can be kinder to myself and then others. If I still feel shaky I act in control and happy for 10 minutes. Its surprising when you do this how acting becomes a reality and my days get better.

How you start your day can have a massive impact on how you end it.

'Be the kind of woman that when you awake in the morning and your feet hit the floor the devil says: 'Oh No She's up'

Much love and positive prayers headed your way xxx