Well I'm back...
and smile, I will :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: nebraska...BFE
Posts: 40
Well I'm back...
Can't get my old account to work, so i created at new one.
Maybe no one remembers me, but I used to LIVE here a few years back.
It was time to come home again. ☺
I graduate next Saturday! I'll be a registered nurse (whoa- look out world! Here I come! )
I filed for divorce from AH a couple months ago. For a tiny recap, he's an alcoholic and very emotionally abusive. He went to treatment a few years back and has been on and off every since. With both the drinking and the abuse....
Lately, he's been strange. I've never seen him so involved in AA in the whole time I've known him. Three times a day meetings, going to social functions, working the steps, and even got a sponsor.
He's asking if I'll file a continuance for divorce..... he wants to "fall in love all over again"
I think I may need some help navigating this situation because... well, being me, I'll always see what I WANT to see...
I wish my old account was active... but if anyone wants a recap on some of it, my old profile was freetosmile.
Maybe no one remembers me, but I used to LIVE here a few years back.
It was time to come home again. ☺
I graduate next Saturday! I'll be a registered nurse (whoa- look out world! Here I come! )
I filed for divorce from AH a couple months ago. For a tiny recap, he's an alcoholic and very emotionally abusive. He went to treatment a few years back and has been on and off every since. With both the drinking and the abuse....
Lately, he's been strange. I've never seen him so involved in AA in the whole time I've known him. Three times a day meetings, going to social functions, working the steps, and even got a sponsor.
He's asking if I'll file a continuance for divorce..... he wants to "fall in love all over again"
I think I may need some help navigating this situation because... well, being me, I'll always see what I WANT to see...
I wish my old account was active... but if anyone wants a recap on some of it, my old profile was freetosmile.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hey stranger, welcome home!!!!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eetosmile.html
i think that will take you to your old profile. i bet an admin could help get you set up??
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eetosmile.html
i think that will take you to your old profile. i bet an admin could help get you set up??
and smile, I will :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: nebraska...BFE
Posts: 40
Thanks! My goal is to check in every day like I used to do. You guys were a GODSEND in some very dark periods of my life.
I'm going to keep trying to get my account to work, and yeah ask admin if I have to. It just wouldn't be the same without my original profile. Call me sentimental 😉
I'm going to keep trying to get my account to work, and yeah ask admin if I have to. It just wouldn't be the same without my original profile. Call me sentimental 😉
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile....I remember you well! And, I have hoped that you would return to let us know how you are...You and pinkpeonies posted around the same time...and, I wonder, a lot, about her, too.....
I sincelrely hope that you don't let yourself get roped in, again, because, as I remember, so vividly, that you have suffered abuse for all of your life,,,and, now, that you have a clear runway to a different kind of life...that you protect yourself from abusive people for the rest of your life!
You have the right to that.....
Congrats on finishing school...that is a might achievement.
Please continue to investing in your own personal development.....
Keep reading and learning about co-dependence....keep a personal counselor and a support group (like alanon or Codependents Anonymous...It is a lifelong process, you know......
I sincelrely hope that you don't let yourself get roped in, again, because, as I remember, so vividly, that you have suffered abuse for all of your life,,,and, now, that you have a clear runway to a different kind of life...that you protect yourself from abusive people for the rest of your life!
You have the right to that.....
Congrats on finishing school...that is a might achievement.
Please continue to investing in your own personal development.....
Keep reading and learning about co-dependence....keep a personal counselor and a support group (like alanon or Codependents Anonymous...It is a lifelong process, you know......
and smile, I will :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: nebraska...BFE
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by kevlarsjal 
You could still 'fall in love all over again' after you've seen him continuously being that serious about his recovery in a few years time after the divorce, right? 
He's an all or nothing kinda guy. And of course he REALLY thinks that I'm cheating all the time and if we got divorced, there's just no WAY I could keep my pants on (in HIS line of thinking) 😂
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
congrats on the upcoming graduation! Nursing is kind of the career BUILT for the codependent! kidding. i am sure you will excel in your field!!!
altho i'm sure it happens, i've never falling BACK in love with any of my former partners. i did have one that took a very VERY long time to get all the way OUT of love with. i guess my point is......how do you feel when you think about HIM and LOVE in the same sentence......or zipcode?
altho i'm sure it happens, i've never falling BACK in love with any of my former partners. i did have one that took a very VERY long time to get all the way OUT of love with. i guess my point is......how do you feel when you think about HIM and LOVE in the same sentence......or zipcode?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
To me that sounds just like one more reason to get divorced.
He needs to learn to trust you if there should be any kind of future for you together. And that he can't control you.
Continue going your own way, it looks like you're on the right path!
And he has lots of work left to do on himself in order to be able to be a good partner. If he's willing to work on his recovery for himself and only for himself (not out of fear of losing you) that would show he's serious about staying sober.
He needs to learn to trust you if there should be any kind of future for you together. And that he can't control you.
Continue going your own way, it looks like you're on the right path!
And he has lots of work left to do on himself in order to be able to be a good partner. If he's willing to work on his recovery for himself and only for himself (not out of fear of losing you) that would show he's serious about staying sober.
and smile, I will :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: nebraska...BFE
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by dandylion
freetosmile....I remember you well! And, I have hoped that you would return to let us know how you are...You and pinkpeonies posted around the same time...and, I wonder, a lot, about her, too.....
I sincelrely hope that you don't let yourself get roped in, again, because, as I remember, so vividly, that you have suffered abuse for all of your life,,,and, now, that you have a clear runway to a different kind of life...that you protect yourself from abusive people for the rest of your life!
You have the right to that.....
Congrats on finishing school...that is a might achievement.
Please continue to investing in your own personal development.....
Keep reading and learning about co-dependence....keep a personal counselor and a support group (like alanon or Codependents Anonymous...It is a lifelong process, you know......
I sincelrely hope that you don't let yourself get roped in, again, because, as I remember, so vividly, that you have suffered abuse for all of your life,,,and, now, that you have a clear runway to a different kind of life...that you protect yourself from abusive people for the rest of your life!
You have the right to that.....
Congrats on finishing school...that is a might achievement.
Please continue to investing in your own personal development.....
Keep reading and learning about co-dependence....keep a personal counselor and a support group (like alanon or Codependents Anonymous...It is a lifelong process, you know......
Yes, I'm still in therapy, thank God.
And yes, my dear is that I'll get the short end of this stick. I'm sure that he's working VERY hard on sobriety. I'm NOT sure that he is working on his abusive behavior.
I mean a continuance wouldn't HURT anything, but I feel like no one (in his AA) knows how he treats me. Just the other day when we were talking about the divorce and I pretty much wouldn't back down on it, he just blew! INSTANTLY turned to the name calling, accusations, telling me just awful things. Sure he was quick to admit fault..but that's not the point here.
Why do I love such a Jerk! Ugh....
I guess I'm just thinking, can AA help with the abusiveness? I know it is not designed to address those issues but, would it maybe open his eyes as he works the steps?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile.....this jelousy that he has...irrational jelousy.....is a very deep seated pathology, in my opinion. It would take a lot of therapy..like a few years, in addition to working the AA program to eliminate this trait , in him. You would always be under the cloud of suspicion....and having to curtail your own behaviors....how short the skirt/how tight the blouse. etc.
As I recall, he crossed the line over more than just emotional abuse...? I feel like jealous men are potentially dangerous men.....
I fear. for you, that this leopard" spots go more than skin deep......
As I recall, he crossed the line over more than just emotional abuse...? I feel like jealous men are potentially dangerous men.....
I fear. for you, that this leopard" spots go more than skin deep......
and smile, I will :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: nebraska...BFE
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by dandylion
freetosmile.....this jelousy that he has...irrational jelousy.....is a very deep seated pathology, in my opinion. It would take a lot of therapy..like a few years, in addition to working the AA program to eliminate this trait , in him. You would always be under the cloud of suspicion....and having to curtail your own behaviors....how short the skirt/how tight the blouse. etc.
As I recall, he crossed the line over more than just emotional abuse...? I feel like jealous men are potentially dangerous men.....
I fear. for you, that this leopard" spots go more than skin deep......
As I recall, he crossed the line over more than just emotional abuse...? I feel like jealous men are potentially dangerous men.....
I fear. for you, that this leopard" spots go more than skin deep......
And you're absolutely right, it has gone beyond verbal a time or two. Scary stuff. Not the way I want to spend the rest of my life that's for sure.
I did get a job offer at the post surgical floor contingent upon passing NCLEX. It frightens me to take such an important job that requires me to ever present. I can't afford to bring my personal life into a job like that.... and it's soo hard to do that sometimes when things are bad with AH.
Another reason to follow through...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
free!!
So glad to see you! And wow--congrats on your degree! That is utterly AWESOME.
Add me to the bunch that says NO to the continuance. You've come too far and worked too hard to get to this place.
AA can do wonders for many character defects, but AA is not designed to address the specific attitudes that underlie abusive conduct. Moreover, I recall some specific instances of behavior on his part that suggested actual delusions, in addition to the sense of entitlement and possessiveness that go along with abusive behavior. I'm afraid you would not be safe for a very long time (maybe never) with this man.
I also get the sense that he is pulling out all the stops in a last-ditch effort to reel you back in, and once he came back, it would soon revert to the same behavior as before.
Just a reminder, you don't have to hate him to walk away. I left my (non-abusive) husband because the relationship was bad for me, not because I hated him. Maybe now that you're more employable, and done with the grueling school/work schedule, you can put some actual physical distance between the two of you?
How are the kids doing?
So glad to see you! And wow--congrats on your degree! That is utterly AWESOME.
Add me to the bunch that says NO to the continuance. You've come too far and worked too hard to get to this place.
AA can do wonders for many character defects, but AA is not designed to address the specific attitudes that underlie abusive conduct. Moreover, I recall some specific instances of behavior on his part that suggested actual delusions, in addition to the sense of entitlement and possessiveness that go along with abusive behavior. I'm afraid you would not be safe for a very long time (maybe never) with this man.
I also get the sense that he is pulling out all the stops in a last-ditch effort to reel you back in, and once he came back, it would soon revert to the same behavior as before.
Just a reminder, you don't have to hate him to walk away. I left my (non-abusive) husband because the relationship was bad for me, not because I hated him. Maybe now that you're more employable, and done with the grueling school/work schedule, you can put some actual physical distance between the two of you?
How are the kids doing?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just one other thought. If you even APPEAR to be considering the possibility of a continuance, he will ramp up the pressure--because he will know that it's WORKING.
So whatever private doubts you want to kick around and explore here, I would suggest giving him the consistent message that this is NOT NEGOTIABLE. Your mind is made up. Period.
This does a couple of things--for one, you avoid giving out conflicting messages that can be used against you later. Second, you avoid "rewarding" the pressure he's putting on you by showing him that you aren't caving in response to it. Finally, there's a good chance you'll see that angry, hostile, insulting, scary guy again. Which may make it that much easier to see why it's important to go forward without guilt.
So whatever private doubts you want to kick around and explore here, I would suggest giving him the consistent message that this is NOT NEGOTIABLE. Your mind is made up. Period.
This does a couple of things--for one, you avoid giving out conflicting messages that can be used against you later. Second, you avoid "rewarding" the pressure he's putting on you by showing him that you aren't caving in response to it. Finally, there's a good chance you'll see that angry, hostile, insulting, scary guy again. Which may make it that much easier to see why it's important to go forward without guilt.
and smile, I will :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: nebraska...BFE
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by LexieCat
free!!
So glad to see you! And wow--congrats on your degree! That is utterly AWESOME.
Add me to the bunch that says NO to the continuance. You've come too far and worked too hard to get to this place.
AA can do wonders for many character defects, but AA is not designed to address the specific attitudes that underlie abusive conduct. Moreover, I recall some specific instances of behavior on his part that suggested actual delusions, in addition to the sense of entitlement and possessiveness that go along with abusive behavior. I'm afraid you would not be safe for a very long time (maybe never) with this man.
I also get the sense that he is pulling out all the stops in a last-ditch effort to reel you back in, and once he came back, it would soon revert to the same behavior as before.
Just a reminder, you don't have to hate him to walk away. I left my (non-abusive) husband because the relationship was bad for me, not because I hated him. Maybe now that you're more employable, and done with the grueling school/work schedule, you can put some actual physical distance between the two of you?
How are the kids doing?
So glad to see you! And wow--congrats on your degree! That is utterly AWESOME.
Add me to the bunch that says NO to the continuance. You've come too far and worked too hard to get to this place.
AA can do wonders for many character defects, but AA is not designed to address the specific attitudes that underlie abusive conduct. Moreover, I recall some specific instances of behavior on his part that suggested actual delusions, in addition to the sense of entitlement and possessiveness that go along with abusive behavior. I'm afraid you would not be safe for a very long time (maybe never) with this man.
I also get the sense that he is pulling out all the stops in a last-ditch effort to reel you back in, and once he came back, it would soon revert to the same behavior as before.
Just a reminder, you don't have to hate him to walk away. I left my (non-abusive) husband because the relationship was bad for me, not because I hated him. Maybe now that you're more employable, and done with the grueling school/work schedule, you can put some actual physical distance between the two of you?
How are the kids doing?
Everyone else is good. Boyfriends, girlfriend, track meets, braces, hormones (!), the whole nine yards. 😆
I'm one proud momma...
Yes..i think i knew the AA answer all along.. just wanted to believe.
But alas, the answer is in my gut.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Abuse and alcoholism are separate issues. They often show up together, but there are many, many alcoholics who have never abused anyone other than themselves.
Guys like this give us drunks a bad name.
Run. Run and don't look back. The very fact that he goes ballistic when he doesn't hear what he wants to hear is a HUGE red flag.
RUN!!!
Guys like this give us drunks a bad name.
Run. Run and don't look back. The very fact that he goes ballistic when he doesn't hear what he wants to hear is a HUGE red flag.
RUN!!!
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