HoneyBeez

Hi all.

I went to the Al-Anon meeting Sunday night a few towns over. I have to say it was a lot different, and I liked it a lot more. One of the ladies there told me about a few more meetings in somewhat nearby towns that are also good ones to attend, so next week I think I might try one of them. I'm not sure if it helped in any way, but it didn't hurt. I guess that's a start.

I've been reading the book they gave me, tons of links in the stickies here, and other articles and info I can find, but I've come across a block in my thoughts.

So much of what I read is about choice. Choose what you are willing to live with. Choose what you are willing to live through. But I can't help but feel my choice has been taken from me in some way. I'm left now with simply choosing reactions to someone else's choice in a sense aren't I?

Maybe I'm just getting hung up on the word "choice"?

I can't, and I won't, continue to live in the world of addiction and lies. Trust, and both mental and emotional availability are cornerstones to a relationship. Without them, there is no foundation on which to build. And one person can not build that foundation. So, while I am both willing and able, and it would be my CHOICE to move in that direction, it's not up to me really is it? Ultimately, she is going to make that choice for me ...

I'll admit I'm lost. I don't even know where to start on this journey, and I'm starting to wonder if all this reading is just confusing me more than I already am? Or if maybe I'm just not in a place to process and internalize it as I should yet?

Things are currently calm-ish. We are just about two weeks out from the last slip up. She continues to go to meetings (not every day, Tues, Thur, Fri, Sun), meet with her sponsor (Tues or Wed), sees her therapist every 2 weeks, and if she is drinking, at this point, I can not tell. I'm trying to give her her space, I've pretty much stopped asking questions, so it's been pretty quiet. It feels like either the calm before the storm, or those moments in a movie, after the explosion, when everything is in slow motion, and there is no sound.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

suki44883

We make choices from the options we have. We can't choose something that isn't available, right? We all have limited options, but if you aren't ready yet to make a choice, then you don't have to.

The fact that she is taking actions, and not just saying she is going to do better, is a good thing. If you want to give it more time to see if this calm stretch continues, that is your right. You do have choices. (((HUGS)))

hearthealth

Hello, there is so many choices you can make. There's boundaries and actions. There's activities you can do solo and as a partner. There's life to stay active with. To say it's up to her creates inaction and a feeling of no choices.

LexieCat

You have choices, always--whether she's drinking or not. She could recover and be a model of sobriety, and you could decide you don't want to be in this relationship. My first husband was sober for 15 years, and I decided I wanted out. It wasn't that he was a bad guy, or even a bad husband. I liked him as a person and respected him. I felt like our interests and personalities had just diverged so far that I didn't feel any more like we were a "team" or in a viable marriage. So I exercised my CHOICE to leave. It wasn't a reaction to him, it was my own decision.

Similarly, you have the choice to wait around and see how you feel about her after some time has passed. You might not like "sober her" even if she does everything right. You might be ready to move on. She might go back to drinking and you might still be on the fence and you can make the CHOICE to wait a little longer because you feel that she's on the verge of being ready to be done.

All of those are real, and valid, choices you can make. You could also make the choice to leave and revisit the idea of a relationship if she stays sober and if she is willing to take another crack at the relationship, herself.

Our choices are ALWAYS somewhat limited by what other people choose. You can't have a relationship with someone who isn't interested in having one with you, for example. You can't take a job with a company that won't hire you. You can't be a lawyer without being accepted into law school and passing a bar exam.

AnvilheadII

speaking generally of choices, we all have limitations. i mean i can WISH to be an astronaut, but at 57 with no relevant training, that is not a valid CHOICE i can make.

i cannot just choose to be independently wealthy without some type of wealth within reach.

my husband and i share a home, big fat mortgage that neither of us could afford on our own so even if i wanted out TODAY, i could not make that choice and ACT on it. there would be a lot of "stuff" to work out first.

you are not OBLIGATED to wait around to see if someone else is or is not going to get their act together. it's YOUR life. don't forget that, ok? she is like the boulder - you are the river that flows AROUND her.

Maudcat

Hi, HoneyBeez. Welcome to SR. It sounds as though you are on a steep learning curve right now. It took a while for me to understand and process what I was learning in Al-Anon.
It was a whole new experience, and often I felt that everyone was speaking a different language than me.
In time, understanding and enlightenment came. Took a while, though.
Mostly I liked the peace of the meetings and the straight up respect everyone gave everyone.
You don't, and probably shouldn't, try to figure everything out within a prescribed timeline. Go to meetings, live your life. Your partner's recovery is hers and hers alone. She will stay in recovery or she won't. Take care of you.
Choice is a funny thing. Sometimes we think we don't have any choice at all, but we do.
My parents had a choice when they let my alcohol-dependent sib move back in with them after his divorce. But....if you spoke to them, they would tell you that they had no choice at all. He needed a place to live, they had one.
It didn't occur to them that they could have said no.
Fast forward: my father has passed. My mother and sib live in her house in a sometimes toxic co-dependent relationship that, like it or not, spills over into my life at times.
We all have choices. Sometimes they are difficult to see, like the hidden animals in those brain teaser pictures.
Peace.

LexieCat

I think a lot of us--particularly those in an alcoholic relationship, but I know lots of other people who have the same issue--approach life from a "reactive" mode. We do things in response to what happens to us. I still do that, to some extent.

I think the people who really, fully LIVE do things proactively. They set goals and work toward them. If obstacles appear (as they often do), they meet it on its own terms and decide whether to go around it, or through it, or to turn back and either abandon the goal or rethink whether it is a desirable/necessary goal. If it's necessary/desirable, then maybe expectations have to be adjusted, or a whole new approach devised.

But we don't have to be like Forrest Gump's feather, floating where the wind takes us. We can pursue things that are important to us, purposely and with proper planning and preparation.

aliciagr

I find your topic interesting possibly because Im thinking about my choices also.

I think its healthy to know that you cant live with the symptoms of active addiction in terms of what your described. What would be left would not be the quality relationship that you want or need.

But I cant help but ask: Do you feel that she is choosing alcohol over your you? Thereby taking the choice of being in a relationship with her away from you ? When I went to Alanon it felt like it was pressed upon me that my husband was choosing to stay in his addiction. I never really agreed with that concept but I think it could easily change how a person perceives their relationship.

In terms of reacting ... my example would be that when my husband first started using and I noticed his negative behaviors I reacted to those. I didnt always handle things correctly and make good choices for myself because I was at first driven by emotion. I think this is really normal.. because when something is unknown and happens unexpectedly it catches us off guard. I think sometimes people get caught up in this cycle because there is no internal stop button saying whats going on cant continue. Up and Down solely based on the mood or behaviors of the person suffering the addiction.

There was also a point where my brain caught up to those panic responses and I began to choose how I reacted, clarify in my mind what was going on, I knew to seek counseling from a professional, and think through the decisions that I needed to make for myself, and in terms of what I was capable of giving to my marriage.

During both phases I was making choices... But in the reaction phase I wasnt thinking as clearly because of my emotions. I still make bad choices sometimes but I feel more in control now. I measure out why Im making my choices and talk to my therapist or a family member for input if I feel the need.

You sound clear on what you need from a relationship, and what you are getting from the one you are in. You have to react to the situation at hand, but I think you are doing it with careful thought and consideration.

HoneyBeez

@aliciagr: You asked if I felt she was choosing drinking over me and our relationship. For the longest time, I did believe that. I am now trying to better understand her addiction. It's not easy for me to grasp, and I don't think I will ever know what it's like for her, but I do think that my initial thoughts that she could just put it down and walk away were not realistic, or even reasonable. It was not something she could just do on her own. She didn't have the tools, or the skills to battle such a thing. And each time she tried, she would fail. What I saw then as a simple choice, just don't pick up a drink, wasn't that simple in her mind. She "had" to. At least that's what she thought.

I believe now, after her time in rehab, and with her counseling and meetings and sponsor, she is beginning to be shown those tools. And her choice now is to use them to beat her addiction and stay in recovery, or fall back down the rabbit hole. I don't expect perfection. I do expect progress, however slow it may be. I don't think she chose to be in addiction, i think she just couldn't see a way out. Even after she knew she couldn't help herself, it took some time before she reached out for help. Like being in a pitch black room and not being able to see the exit sign. And no matter how loudly I yelled it's over there, she couldn't see it until she saw it for herself, ya know?

I'm honestly not sure what I believe now. I know she has some options and tools to fight her addiction, but I don't know if she's far enough along that a slip up would be a choice, or just a lost battle on that particular day. I can't even begin to imagine the battle she is fighting everyday. It's one of the things I struggle with. Her previous slip seemed to increase her efforts, so for now, she is still fighting.

Im trying to be hopeful, while not setting myself up to be devastated yet again. Does that make sense? I don't know if I answered your question, but truthfully, I'm not sure at this point I have a clear cut answer to it.

HoneyBeez

I thank you all for your replies. I have read them all several times. I will read them several times more.

Yes, this is a steep learning curve. I appreciate every response, and every bit of input I receive. I truly do.

aliciagr

Yes HoneyBee it does make sense. That is also the way I feel for the most part. I I have learned that what each person needs is different to recover. My husband is in recovery now but certain things did not work for him such as AA and he relapsed. Other things did work like therapy and it also allowed him to work on underlying issues that caused his addiction to start with.

The situations that we find ourselves in is so hard as partners because those we love go through so much before healing, and some just never do for whatever reason. When I was working with a therapist who specialized in addiction medicine it helped me understand addiction. Although addiction to drugs and alcohol is extreme because of the brain changes, there are many addictions in the world and so I feel like I do sort of get it based on my own life experiences.

You really sound pretty clear minded so even though you are working your way through all of the emotions, and exploring what life would be like without her - and experiencing pain and confusion - just remember to have faith in yourself and your own inner wisdom. I think it will lead you to where you need to go in its own time.

honeypig

I just wanted to say that I'm glad you found an Alanon group that seemed to be a better fit for you. There can be so much variation in the "vibe" of different groups, and what may feel warm and welcoming to one person may feel stifling and overbearing to another.

Your original question here was, I thought, a good one, and it has gotten some good replies. Thanks for posting.

atalose

Sure it is, if you don’t want to live in the world of addiction and all that comes with it, lies, mis-trust, manipulation, relapses, attempts at recovery, meetings, therapy and constantly waiting for that other shoe to drop and all the rest………..then don’t, you have the choice not to live that way. She is who she is and addiction is part of her and always will be. So if you choose to remain in this relationship knowing exactly what could lie ahead then that’s all on you because that is your choice and has nothing to do with her or what she does or doesn’t do regarding her issues.

If what you really want out of life is a partner who can build that foundation of trust and be both mentally and emotional available to you and part of the cornerstone of a relationship……..then don’t pick an alcoholic/addict as that partner.

HeartbrokenGuy

Funny that you said this. It's what I've always said I wanted. And I thought I would get it with my fiance. Not sure if I was naive or dumb or what but I totally see now what you are talking about.

As always thank you

FireSprite

This is difficult programming to break, isn't it? I had become a master of this victim self-speak. (Oh, did I bristle at that thought of calling it that initially... but it was me martyring myself fully in the situation.)

For me, this comes down to Control - there are countless things I have no control over that affect the Choices that I make on a daily basis. Accidents, health scares, acts of nature, the economy, my spouse's decisions. So while my choices may be affected, they are still MINE to make. Like the others said, as new information becomes available, it influences my decisions.

This reminds me of a mirrored sailboat picture in our office with the saying, "We can't control the direction of the wind, but we can learn to adjust our sails" (or some such version of the original quote)

SparkleKitty

It's very hard to accept that sometimes, circumstances are such that we can either have the life and relationship we want, OR we can be with someone we care deeply for.

Lilro

It's YOUR choice whether you want to stick around waiting for the other shoe to drop. After awhile that gets old.. YOUR choice..

Txbuttercup

Just because we don't like our options doesn't mean we don't have a choice.

Right now I feel like my choices methaphorically are a sandwich or quesadilla, both made of poop.

Neither is going to be good, but I do have a decision to make.

What is want is beyond my control and just isn't on the menu.

HeartbrokenGuy

Sometimes the choice is to go hungry and be unsatisfied. Or end up choosing to go somewhere else.

All of them suck.

honeypig

Oh, I think I've spent some time in that same diner, Txbuttercup! But you will eventually find a place where the menu is a whole lot better...