notgonnastoptry

So, I've read articles here and there that some drinking (or maybe more than just a little) can make the neurons fire and actually help you make connections quicker, what have you. I've also read that as a social lubricator, alcohol can have benefits.

I'm not here promoting alcohol. I'm just intently frustrated about what seems to be lost in sobriety. I don't know why, if this will make sense, or if it's even fair to say.

Since I've been sober (almost 11 months), I've gained 30 lbs. I feel awful, and I'm not just saying this, I look awful. 30 lbs in an extreme amount to gain in this amount of time. None of my clothes fit, my husband is not very attracted to me, etc. Granted, at the end of my alcoholism, I was dangerously thin and sick. So, intellectually, I need to overcome this vanity and begin working out. I think I ruined my metabolism because this is a high even for me. I go through periods where I eat very little (under 1000 calories a day, low carb) and the weight doesn't really budge. I've managed to lose 5 lbs in 2 months of yo-yo-ing.

So that's vanity, and pretty silly--I realize this. The next part is not. While I was drinking daily (sometimes almost around the clock), my performance at work was through the roof high. I got the highest evaluations of my career. It seemed like I was whip-quick and uber organized. Maybe I was overcompensating, i.e., in my lucid moments, I was keen to detail because I was worried that I'd get in trouble somehow? I don't know. This year, however, I have not been more productive, have not set any personal records, and I feel like I'm deeply unorganized. Last year, while drunk, when I gave references for page numbers (this is part of my job, but I won't elaborate), they were never wrong. Just last night, in full sobriety, I spent about an hour going over docs that simply had the wrong cross references. No reason for this sort of error. I'm not in trouble, etc., but yes, it looks careless. This isn't the first time, by far. This has been happening all year. It's not that I'm senile, or have lost brain cells--I'm just as sharp when I want to be. I guess I've become complacent since I'm not drinking and I'm not as careful to cover my a$$.

I don't know. I'm not tempted to drink after all I've been through. I guess I'm just depressed and tired of reading again and again how people's lives have improved, their relationships have improved, their job has improved, their weight/looks have improved.

Since I've stopped drinking, my relationships have been strained (my daughters seem to hate me), I've gained a gross amount of weight and look ugly, my husband is not as attracted, I'm super careless at my job to the point of WTF am I on when I'm writing reports, etc. I'm not any more productive. I'm not less so, either. It's just that I feel lately that this has done nothing for me that is exciting or wonderful. Don't get me wrong, being off booze itself is wonderful. It was destroying my body, but I wish I could say it's helped me in other ways.

doggonecarl

I'm sure sobriety is helping you in many ways. Ways you should be grateful for. But you are focusing on a few things that, frankly, that aren't a byproduct of not drinking.

Take your weight. You haven't gained weight just because you are sober. You've gained weight because your eating habits have gone out of orbit and you are not burning those extra calories off. Yes, it's happened since you've gotten sober, but not because you've gotten sober.

As for your performance at work, I don't believe any drop-off can be tied to being alcohol free. You're finding errors? That's probably a result of being sober; you probably didn't catch them while drinking. I wouldn't cling so hard to your high functioning alcoholic performance at work.

And are your relationships strained because of your sobriety? Or are you seeing your relationships clearly for the first time in a long time. Sober is the time to address those strains.

I doubt I'll convince you that sobriety is causing you issues in your life. But please be balanced about your situation. Take a moment and reflect on the good things being sober has brought into your life. And if you can't, it's not a problem with not drinking, but rather a problem with your recovery itself. And that can be worked on.

Hope your frustrations ends.

biminiblue

I know I have had many issues in my life when it comes to addiction, and they are only solved in a holistic way. It's a lot like whack-a-mole until everything gets sorted out, though. I had to change how I perceived the world, and I had to relax about a lot of stuff.

The food thing was just another compulsion for me. I had to learn to treat food as fuel not as a coping tool. I lost a lot of weight many years ago and have kept it off (as well as getting a lot of insight about myself) by using Myfitnesspal and its food tracking and forums. The forums are really good, there are a lot of ex-alcoholics and people with other thought-process dysfunctions who have recovered and are posting in the forums. You might like it.

The focus thing...I know at one point I suffered from a lot of ADD type symptoms years ago. Even as a child I was rather flighty and couldn't sit still. Focus was a problem. Alcohol definitely is something people with Adult ADD learn to use, so maybe think about reading up on that. We tend to self-medicate lots of different mental health things - but alcohol is not the panacea as it masquerades. It's a temporary bandaid on some other problem that can be fixed in a better, permanent way. It is never the solution, that's your addiction talking.

2ndhandrose

In my experience, at 11 months in, I was kind of a wreck. I had brain fog, depression, and a host of health issues. None of my relationships were improving and I must have been a poor example of sober life! It was certainly disheartening to feel so low mentally and physically in those early days.

Just past the year mark, my doctor suggested that my untreated depression may be the cause of my troubles, rather than just one of my myriad symptoms. I reluctantly tried an anti depressant (had to try a couple to find the right one) and I finally started to feel my emotions levelling out.

I don't know what you are doing to grow your recovery but for me, I had to look deep into my life to root out the broken thinking that was preventing me from building my relationships with others and, more importantly, with myself.

The acceptance that my problems all emanated from me and were not caused by anyone or anything outside of myself has been kind of life changing for me.

Being ruthlessly honest with myself has allowed me to be open and transparent in my relationships in a way I never have been able to when drinking.

I sought counselling and read a lot on SR. There is recovery gold all over this site Plus time. It all takes time.

I am 2 years and 4 months in and I expect the recovery journey to go to my last breath. For me, it is a journey of growing up, self discovery and learning how to live well.

notgonnastoptry

Thank you, all. All of those posts really helped me. I know that though there is a positive correlation, it's not the result of being sober. Even as I was quitting (or contemplating quitting), I knew I was performing well. Sadly, it wasn't an illusion because the people who are drawing my attention to these small errors are the people who would have been doing the same thing last year. It's very frustrating. These are stupid errors, but they affect my credibility and my inattention to detail is really making me angry. I spent all morning correcting stuff that an 8 year old could do. My general performance is fine, I guess (not as great as it was a year ago), but little details are slipping through the cracks.

I don't know. I guess I'm ok. I just wish I could be one of those people that was flying high because of all the personal and professional aspects of being sober. I guess that's why I always end up commiserating on the threads where people post about this not being any fun. Forget drinking at games and BBQs! I'm ok with that. I just wonder if my mind has slowed down? I really think it's the result of me being more laid back and less neurotic about details. When I was drunk, I somehow managed to multi-task like mad. Sometimes I look back and I'm shocked (I was going to write "amazed" but I'm studiously trying not to give this a positive spin). It wasn't in my head or a perceived wrongly because of the booze--there's concrete evidence, evaluations, etc., that I was able to function at a better level than what I'm able/doing currently.

RDBplus3

For me, just 'Not Drinking' was horrible ... pure living Hell in fact.

Working a Program that allowed me to dismantle all the Self-Will-Run-Riot drivers of my thoughts, feelings and behaviors, way down below the surface ... and then facilitated all this being re-built from a Spiritual Guidance perspective, was, and continues to be, the best thing that EVER happened to me in my life. (I am 60+ Years old, and drank / drugged for 40 years).

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE

Midwest1981

I think if you were dangerously thin and gained 30 lbs you probably look great! It takes awhile to get used to your new body. I think you would feel better if you went clothes shopping. Also cutting your calories too much could be causing your brain fog...causing you to make some small mistakes. Eat as healthy as you can.

I hope you feel better soon.

2ndhandrose

I am a stickler for detail, yet I went through a terrible time at work, of continually catching myself making dumb mistakes, missing obvious details, forgetting things. It was very distressing for me! But, it eventually changed. My brain came back!

I never experienced a pink cloud and the epiphanies have been hard won.

It has not been easy but it has been so worth it ♥

Nonsensical

Things didn't get better for me because I got sober.

I was able to make things better for me because I got sober.

For 11 months you've kicked the snot out of an addiction that kills thousands upon thousands each year. You are a motivating, problem-solving, fearless badass.

You got this.
Go get it.

August252015

Eleven months is awesome. As someone close to me told me (my boss at work) - remember that it takes a special and strong person to do what we are doing.

Everyone's experience with the first months (and now into second year for me) is different. I found that wise words said to me early on are very true: look for similarities not differences. Are you working a program? I started AA day one and it saved my life- I know plenty of people who get started in sobriety then add it (or another program of action and growth and NEW LIFE)) and found HUGE differences in their lives. From just not drinking to true recovery - I too have the weight issue and have to be patient with my body, which was near death- as well as to take practical efforts I know I'm not.

Hope you stay with us- faith and a growing patience and strength have kept me going, among other new tools and mental changes.

Ariesagain

Have you had a physical lately? Your thyroid could be haywire or you could be perimenopausal...that can start at a startingly young age.

I never experienced that pink cloud thing this time, either. And I notice life hasn't exactly magically all fallen into place. I hate that.

But I know at a core level that there's nothing about it that would be improved by drinking.

Sending you a hug.

Anna

It might be helpful to remember that recovery (and life) is a journey. I felt very different at 11 months of recovery than I do now. I have had changes in my perspective throughout my recovery. You may find that 6 months from now, you will feel differently.

notgonnastoptry

Thanks. I am set up to get some blood work done, just to check my values (I was hospitalized). It may be a thyroid issue, but I'm inclined to think it's just the normal weight returning after a long period of starvation. I was in decline (in terms of weight) for a good 14 months (wasn't eating because body was shutting down). I probably lost the last 15 or so just over the course of the last month of the alcoholism. It's normal to gain this much back after coming out of starvation (not eating OR drinking even water for days on end. Just vodka).

I usually hover around 130 to 140. I'm a 150 now (or if the scale can be trusted, 145, which would be nice).

I think my productivity and attention to detail (though, not perfect) through the alcoholism was simply because I was so afraid that the last bastion of "normalcy" would collapse if I let that slip away. So, while my energies waned in every other area (and I let my personal life go to crap and I'm still paying dearly for that), I really concentrated on my job and put 100% forward. When it ended (I work only during the academic year), then I really let loose and was in the hospital within the month. So, in some ways, that was the glue holding the shoddy product together, right up until the end.

Now, I have more varied activities and pursuits. Before, I would be reclusive, drink on the couch all day, but when it was time to work and prepare, I was all there. Now, I suppose, with myriad hobbies and the ability to drive (not that I got a DUI or didn't drive--I just didn't leave the house except when necessary and even then, I was slightly buzzed), I am not as attentive. I also don't feel the guilt and the sense of paranoia about being caught, so I've let down my guard in some ways.

Thanks, all.

Linz805

I am almost to 10 months and I think my pink cloud went away. Ha! I gained a little weight due to me eating bad food, distant from people I associated with cause I was scared I was gonna drink, etc. I have the same feelings some days but I also have days of just complete gratitude. You got this!

Dee74

If say 150ml of alcohol were to give me those benefits I'd go drink 5 litres. Benefits nil

My neurons fire better now than they ever did in the last 15 years of my 20 years drinking.

I have joy and peace and I look forward to each new day. Never could as a drinker.

My social life is actually better too because people don;t have to carry my dead weight up the street to a taxi, or clean me up when I get sick or soil myself.

I'm being blunt because my life is immeasurably better as a non drinker.

If yours is not, maybe you need to make more changes notgonnastoptry?

D

JoeCree

Sounds to me like you may be battling with depression (to a certain degree). After a year sober i too was feeling very low, quite removed from society and found myself asking many of the same questions. I have since been put back on SSRIs and must admit that I feel much better (though a bit mote tired).
Im past 18months now and my life as a whole is much better. My relationships with my family and close friends has improved and my duties as a father of 3 and husband has become easier.
I was never the pass out drunk type guy or over drinker. But when i think back i now know i was drinking to self medicate my anxiety and depression, most likely had my whole life.
But i was always a straight A student, sports, good job high paying, post grad degree.. i too thought alcohol was simply "part" of it and my success, but far from the seeming success was I ever truly happy for more than 2 days in a row.
I am now more content in my life than i have ever been, achieved with hatd work at actively living sober.
I still have a ways to go to create new successes, but what i have learned is patience. It takes a lot of time to figure things it out. Let it happen naturally.

MissPerfumado

I can empathise.

I think I was better at doing some of the more tedious mind-numbing stuff in my job when I was drinking. Sometimes I drank the tedium away, if it was late enough in the evening and I thought I could get away with it. I got through a lot of dross that way.

These days, I find it hard to force myself through some things. Because I'm stone cold sober and my sober mind hates what it finds boring, and won't put up with it. It's a fact. It's also a bit surprising because I thought I could handle that stuff. So I adjust, I do what I have to do and I delegate the rest.

That said, I am better at a lot of other things, such as planning, strategising, dealing with people, following through on things etc. I didn't realise I was good at some of the stuff I am now good at.

Sobriety teaches us some surprising things about ourselves.

As for the weight... I don't think it's a good idea to eat very little. Less than 1000 calories a day will indeed affect your metabolism, probably slow it right down. I hope you can find the willpower to start exercising ... just a little each day will make a difference, I believe.

11 months is a huge achievement.

jaynie04

Hi notgonnastoptry. I can tell you that I sense a high degree of mental acuity in your post. You might not be aware of it but not only are you able to have a great deal of self awareness, you are also able to convey your thoughts and feeling with a great deal of clarity. I don't sense mental sluggishness at all.

I relate a great deal to your struggle. Earlier in my life, before my drinking became an issue I had worked in a high paced, pressured cooked corporate environment and managed to rise through the ranks fairly quickly. I was athletic and fit, and I was exceedingly conscientious about social obligations and attention to detail.

As the years went on, I was running on fumes. Trying to be everything to everyone, I had backed myself into a corner, highly efficient but growing ever more resentful of not being able to say no. I didn't realize at the time that this was a self imposed nightmare, alcohol became my reward and my escape.

My first year of sobriety wasn't riddled with cravings. My biggest dilemma was that I didn't know who I was anymore. I was out of shape, disorganized, felt antisocial....I felt overwhelmed often. And I was terrified that I had lost my mental sharpness. I was 47 when I got sober, and keenly aware of the fact that I was aging.

I think a lot of us with alcohol issues develop them because we are self medicating for a host of reasons. I have ADD and I struggle with depression. After two bouts with Lyme Disease, an autoimmune condition and decades of sleep issues, alcohol and benzos had become the tools I was using to sleep and escape pain and stress. I beat my body up pretty good.

I found a very good addiction psychiatrist. Blood work helped indicate some of the issues and, while the first year there was some tweaking, a protocol of ADD med combined with an antidepressant, has worked for me for the last 4 years. The first year was not a straight line and being 20 lbs overweight was a really big deal to me too.

My mental acuity returned I am happy to report. I often have 5 books going, I want to know about astrophysics and plant culture and Russian history. I lost the weight, not quickly, because I did eat a lot of junk the first year. But I like looking in the mirror again. I have learned to say no. Most of my relationships have changed. I have become more authentic, and less pleasing, and my boundaries are clearer.

My blood work indicated that I have a genetic mutation in the MTHFR gene which doesn't allow my body to process folate which in turn leads to depression. I now take a supplement that allows my body to convert folate. My sleep is sound, a miracle I still can't quite believe.

I don't believe we will ever be the same person we were before we began abusing alcohol. I think the journey through alcohol abuse and getting sober alters us, and that we needs to rediscover who we are on the other side. I think it is hard to avoid holding ourselves up to comparisons and scrutiny of who were perceived ourselves to be versus who we are in sobriety. But what I have come to see is that the person I am sober is a much more authentic, clearer, less frenetic and more peaceful person. That discovery takes time. I see my life in terms of before and after, and it has been a wild trip. I think the reason alcoholics seek out others with the same condition is that we feel a kinship with those who understand the work that goes into coming out the other side.

You are still discovering who you are going to be and the pieces are falling into place. It is only with time that you will able to look back and see the progress. I believe that sobriety is progressive, just like our drinking. It can be a lonely journey at time but the certainty is that you are truly on the right road.