Bedtime Stories
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Wichita, KS
Posts: 19
Bedtime Stories
It's way past my bed time and I can't sleep, yet. So, I thought I'd share a little of my story with you folks. I don't have to say a whole bunch because most of you already know the story as you have either lived it or are currently living it, yourselves!
Once upon a time I was a young woman who married, had kids, got beat up alot by my abusive alcoholic husband. I finally managed to leave for good, put a lot of miles between us and about a year or two later, he died.
I remarried and was in the marriage for about 32 years. He died about 3 years ago after a long illness. He was not addicted to substances other than cigarettes and candy. He was a diabetic.
I became somewhat incapacitated after a horrendous event in the lives of our family...PTSD settled in and off to the races I go! Therefore, we separated a couple of years before DH died, lived in different states.
About 4 years ago, I met a man who moved into the apartment building in live in, we became good friends which evolved eventually into a relationship/domestic partnership. He drank, but I was unaware that he was also a crack addict. It wasn't until a couple of years later that I discovered that meth was also an issue.
When a person is a neighbor and friend, you don't get too wrapped up in their personal lives, or attempt to make decisions for them, Well, at least I don't. I just knew he was rather moody so when he was moody I didn't bother him. When he felt better, he'd knock at the door or call. I really enjoyed his company a lot, and he mine. We pretty much ended up joined at the hip.
But as you all already know, the moods were related to addiction...I was ignorant and naive. And there were shadows of undesirable things. It's only as you draw closer that you learn that those shadows were given off by some very real problems! And of course by then, I was hooked! It's been push/pull ever since. I pull away, he pushes his way back in. Someone put up a thread here asking why he keeps coming back...it was the story of my own relationship!!
Anyway, we had one of those push moments back in January where I was sailing his belongings over the rail and into his truck because he'd outstayed his guest status and had become an intruder. He'd violated his agreement of no drugs in you or on you or anywhere around you if you want to stay in my home, or else it's out the door. And as he was trying to prevent his eviction by grabbing his clothes, I got slung into a container and was injured.
So, by mid Feb. I'm feeling all sorts of guilt that perhaps I'd participated in something stupid, maybe he didn't push me...i honestly couldn't tell you how I flew across the room, only that I did. So, I took out a protection order and filed charges.
He insisted he wanted to quit all drugs, would seek assistance etc and reluctantly with much reservation, and on my last thread, I let him back. Of course at first he was absolutely amazing but as time went on, he began to take his good fortune for granted. I fully believe he thought he had me hooked and that he had some rope to play with. Well, he did. But he hung himself so to speak. He began to sneak hard liquor which he doesn't tolerate well, and he went back onto the crack.
He became involved with stealing and I caught him, and exposed it. I didn't have to ask him to leave, he did that on his own in a panic. So, five nights later he comes waltzing up the stairs to my door with a lame apology which I did not accept. What *I* wanted was for him to restore the stolen item to it's owner.
He lied and lied and lied, denied and lied. My neighbor came over and tried to talk to him to explain that he could be restored if he would restore the item and my guy lied and lied and denied some more.
Just bring the item back, and show it to the man who is missing the exact same item, and see if this particular item is his! He won't do it. So, that works for me. There were two other thefts which occurred the same week that I also exposed and he lied and lied and denied some more.
Thank God my neighbor was here. What a huge help this young man was! Such wisdom in one so young. While my addict was trying to insinuate that *I* was crazy and unjust in accusing him, the neighbor was encouraging him to admit his wrong so that he could stop sleeping in his truck, in the cold, and have a good meal and get back on track. The neighbor repeated tried to compare the behavior of an innocent man when confronted with questions and a guilty man's actions, attitude and behavior. And still he lied, lied and denied.
In the end, he left, it's done, and I'm relieved it's over. The adrenaline rush keeps me awake tonight into the wee hours, but I am relieved, and I am satisfied that I did all that I could do throughout the last 4 years to be the best friend I could be to one in trouble.
He even stole money from my wallet...a very cruel thing to do to a person on a very tiny, not even liveable monthly fixed income. Once the stealing began, I knew for sure there was nothing more that I could do.
He did refrain from pot, meth, and crack for three months which was a very good start. He worked hard to accomplish that, and he deserves his share of credit for that success. But you can't be like a dog and return to the vomit, and expect a kiss!
I've written this in a somewhat emotionless tone of voice, because I need to view the events from a non emotional perspective. Just the facts, mam!
I've felt like a victim at times, yet I am not, because I chose to remain in the relationship despite the difficulties. There were times when I'd back of for a month or so, but we'd get together again.
But for the first time, as I look back over the time, I have to ask myself what the heck I ever saw in this man! This is the first time I've ever felt this way, and I feel repulsed when I see him or his vehicle. He drives by my house regularly, and is living in a driveway down the street.
But you know, this kind of man has a woman tucked around every corner and he's already seeking them out. All of them older, self sustaining, all good hearted, decent women.
Jar of Hearts is a good song for him.
I've also tried to shorten up 4 years into a few paragraphs.
Once upon a time I was a young woman who married, had kids, got beat up alot by my abusive alcoholic husband. I finally managed to leave for good, put a lot of miles between us and about a year or two later, he died.
I remarried and was in the marriage for about 32 years. He died about 3 years ago after a long illness. He was not addicted to substances other than cigarettes and candy. He was a diabetic.
I became somewhat incapacitated after a horrendous event in the lives of our family...PTSD settled in and off to the races I go! Therefore, we separated a couple of years before DH died, lived in different states.
About 4 years ago, I met a man who moved into the apartment building in live in, we became good friends which evolved eventually into a relationship/domestic partnership. He drank, but I was unaware that he was also a crack addict. It wasn't until a couple of years later that I discovered that meth was also an issue.
When a person is a neighbor and friend, you don't get too wrapped up in their personal lives, or attempt to make decisions for them, Well, at least I don't. I just knew he was rather moody so when he was moody I didn't bother him. When he felt better, he'd knock at the door or call. I really enjoyed his company a lot, and he mine. We pretty much ended up joined at the hip.
But as you all already know, the moods were related to addiction...I was ignorant and naive. And there were shadows of undesirable things. It's only as you draw closer that you learn that those shadows were given off by some very real problems! And of course by then, I was hooked! It's been push/pull ever since. I pull away, he pushes his way back in. Someone put up a thread here asking why he keeps coming back...it was the story of my own relationship!!
Anyway, we had one of those push moments back in January where I was sailing his belongings over the rail and into his truck because he'd outstayed his guest status and had become an intruder. He'd violated his agreement of no drugs in you or on you or anywhere around you if you want to stay in my home, or else it's out the door. And as he was trying to prevent his eviction by grabbing his clothes, I got slung into a container and was injured.
So, by mid Feb. I'm feeling all sorts of guilt that perhaps I'd participated in something stupid, maybe he didn't push me...i honestly couldn't tell you how I flew across the room, only that I did. So, I took out a protection order and filed charges.
He insisted he wanted to quit all drugs, would seek assistance etc and reluctantly with much reservation, and on my last thread, I let him back. Of course at first he was absolutely amazing but as time went on, he began to take his good fortune for granted. I fully believe he thought he had me hooked and that he had some rope to play with. Well, he did. But he hung himself so to speak. He began to sneak hard liquor which he doesn't tolerate well, and he went back onto the crack.
He became involved with stealing and I caught him, and exposed it. I didn't have to ask him to leave, he did that on his own in a panic. So, five nights later he comes waltzing up the stairs to my door with a lame apology which I did not accept. What *I* wanted was for him to restore the stolen item to it's owner.
He lied and lied and lied, denied and lied. My neighbor came over and tried to talk to him to explain that he could be restored if he would restore the item and my guy lied and lied and denied some more.
Just bring the item back, and show it to the man who is missing the exact same item, and see if this particular item is his! He won't do it. So, that works for me. There were two other thefts which occurred the same week that I also exposed and he lied and lied and denied some more.
Thank God my neighbor was here. What a huge help this young man was! Such wisdom in one so young. While my addict was trying to insinuate that *I* was crazy and unjust in accusing him, the neighbor was encouraging him to admit his wrong so that he could stop sleeping in his truck, in the cold, and have a good meal and get back on track. The neighbor repeated tried to compare the behavior of an innocent man when confronted with questions and a guilty man's actions, attitude and behavior. And still he lied, lied and denied.
In the end, he left, it's done, and I'm relieved it's over. The adrenaline rush keeps me awake tonight into the wee hours, but I am relieved, and I am satisfied that I did all that I could do throughout the last 4 years to be the best friend I could be to one in trouble.
He even stole money from my wallet...a very cruel thing to do to a person on a very tiny, not even liveable monthly fixed income. Once the stealing began, I knew for sure there was nothing more that I could do.
He did refrain from pot, meth, and crack for three months which was a very good start. He worked hard to accomplish that, and he deserves his share of credit for that success. But you can't be like a dog and return to the vomit, and expect a kiss!
I've written this in a somewhat emotionless tone of voice, because I need to view the events from a non emotional perspective. Just the facts, mam!
I've felt like a victim at times, yet I am not, because I chose to remain in the relationship despite the difficulties. There were times when I'd back of for a month or so, but we'd get together again.
But for the first time, as I look back over the time, I have to ask myself what the heck I ever saw in this man! This is the first time I've ever felt this way, and I feel repulsed when I see him or his vehicle. He drives by my house regularly, and is living in a driveway down the street.
But you know, this kind of man has a woman tucked around every corner and he's already seeking them out. All of them older, self sustaining, all good hearted, decent women.
Jar of Hearts is a good song for him.
I've also tried to shorten up 4 years into a few paragraphs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by Pajama62 
But for the first time, as I look back over the time, I have to ask myself what the heck I ever saw in this man! This is the first time I've ever felt this way, and I feel repulsed when I see him or his vehicle. He drives by my house regularly, and is living in a driveway down the street.
I am so sorry to read what you are and have been going through.
I feel you have hit the nail on the head with the revelation above.
I had a conversation with my therapist yesterday and we talked about validation and how in relationships of any kind (family, partners, friendships), we want to be validated and validate the other party in return. However, what do we gain from "validation" from someone who behaves like our (ex) partners? Absolutely nothing positive.
I am sending you many hugs and support and vibes of strength and support. You have helped me play my own tape forward and I want to thank you wholeheartedly for that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Wichita, KS
Posts: 19
Thank you both for the hugs and encouragement. I needed that!
It was hard to write this stuff down in a public arena. I don't recall my join date, but a lot was going on at the time and that rollercoaster was running full speed with changing events and emotions, sometimes on a minute by minute basis. My head was spinning. One minute it was over, then the next, he was back with a whole new lease on life.
That validation spoken of...yes! I took a minute last night after writing here to send a thank-you card to the neighbor who was so helpful. It was during his visit that *I* was validated, and so that was mentioned in the card I wrote out. It wasn't until that word 'validation' was written that I realized how badly I needed that.
I've silently read the threads here over a period of time before even joining up and found some very helpful stuff. For example, seeing other's stories over and over was helpful for me to see the pattern. There IS a pattern common to addicts regarding their behaviors. I saw the patterns of pain that so many have wrestled with, all the questioning of one's self, all the self doubt and the resolve to try again despite the inner knowing that your hands are essentially tied. All you can do is make some good, healthy decisions for yourself.
As I told my addict, if you want your drugs, you can keep your drugs. If you want your misery, you can keep your misery. You want your freedom to chase skirts, help yourself. You have a life, you have the right to choose what kind of life you want, and so do I.
I don't want substance abuse, the circus that goes with it, and I have a right to make that choice for MYSELF. I don't use drugs and I damn sure don't want to share your hell by proxy.
My daughter pointed out to me that while I don't do any chemical substances, my ADDICT was my 'crack'. He gave me both pleasure and pain. When the pain overrides the pleasure, it's time to change some things.
It's hard enough to live one's own life without another trying to blame you for all their woes...ie piling the responsibility of their life and the consequences of their decisions, onto your plate, making YOU the one in charge of them. And yet, they won't allow you to make good choices on their behalf. They might ride along for a bit, but eventually they sabotage your efforts as they are obviously resentful.
Lots of circular reasoning /catch 22 endless BS.
Thank-you for holding my hand as I deflate. I am having a bit of a struggle keeping on topic. I don't usually write in such a disjointed manner.
And, sorry for all the *I* and *me* stuff. I need to fill my face with some 'me' stuff after pouring everything out to the addict.
Blessings and
again!
It was hard to write this stuff down in a public arena. I don't recall my join date, but a lot was going on at the time and that rollercoaster was running full speed with changing events and emotions, sometimes on a minute by minute basis. My head was spinning. One minute it was over, then the next, he was back with a whole new lease on life.
That validation spoken of...yes! I took a minute last night after writing here to send a thank-you card to the neighbor who was so helpful. It was during his visit that *I* was validated, and so that was mentioned in the card I wrote out. It wasn't until that word 'validation' was written that I realized how badly I needed that.
I've silently read the threads here over a period of time before even joining up and found some very helpful stuff. For example, seeing other's stories over and over was helpful for me to see the pattern. There IS a pattern common to addicts regarding their behaviors. I saw the patterns of pain that so many have wrestled with, all the questioning of one's self, all the self doubt and the resolve to try again despite the inner knowing that your hands are essentially tied. All you can do is make some good, healthy decisions for yourself.
As I told my addict, if you want your drugs, you can keep your drugs. If you want your misery, you can keep your misery. You want your freedom to chase skirts, help yourself. You have a life, you have the right to choose what kind of life you want, and so do I.
I don't want substance abuse, the circus that goes with it, and I have a right to make that choice for MYSELF. I don't use drugs and I damn sure don't want to share your hell by proxy.
My daughter pointed out to me that while I don't do any chemical substances, my ADDICT was my 'crack'. He gave me both pleasure and pain. When the pain overrides the pleasure, it's time to change some things.
It's hard enough to live one's own life without another trying to blame you for all their woes...ie piling the responsibility of their life and the consequences of their decisions, onto your plate, making YOU the one in charge of them. And yet, they won't allow you to make good choices on their behalf. They might ride along for a bit, but eventually they sabotage your efforts as they are obviously resentful.
Lots of circular reasoning /catch 22 endless BS.
Thank-you for holding my hand as I deflate. I am having a bit of a struggle keeping on topic. I don't usually write in such a disjointed manner.
And, sorry for all the *I* and *me* stuff. I need to fill my face with some 'me' stuff after pouring everything out to the addict.
Blessings and
again!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by Pajama62
It's hard enough to live one's own life without another trying to blame you for all their woes...ie piling the responsibility of their life and the consequences of their decisions, onto your plate, making YOU the one in charge of them.
Thank-you for holding my hand as I deflate. I am having a bit of a struggle keeping on topic. I don't usually write in such a disjointed manner.
And, sorry for all the *I* and *me* stuff. I need to fill my face with some 'me' stuff after pouring everything out to the addict.
Blessings and
again!Considering how disjointed your situation is/has been, your writing is remarkably...jointed
I wrote my first post about 100 times until eventually I felt I wasn't completely rambling. Every time I re-wrote it, I started feeling a little bit better. That's what this forum is here for. And it is all about "I" and "me" - we all come to this forum to help ourselves and then suddenly realise how we help others by doing exactly that.
Lots of hugs and support
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