My son-update on Me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 67
My son-update on Me
Sorry if this isn't where I should post this. Maybe someone can let me know where the right place to post is. I can't live anymore with my Aspergers son. He also has ADHD and ODD. He is killing me and my beautiful daughter. He is violent aggressive and foul mouthed. I can't deal with it anymore. I feel like no matter what I do, parenting courses, hospital appointments, CAMHS appointments, exclusions from school he will never be any better and I can't see an end to this. He is on a reduced timetable at school now. 9-10. I drop him off and pick him up 1 hour later. When I was pregnant with him I was the healthiest ever. No alcohol no caffeine nothing unhealthy. I swam every day and worked out and my pregnancy was chilled and happy. My daughter, pregnancy after my son, I was so exhausted looking after my son that my diet and exercise didnt even come into play, I had the odd drink, didn't worry about coffee and caffeine. My son is so painful and my daughter is a happy pill. She keeps me alive. I am a single parent now. The children's father left last July as he couldn't handle how my son is. He sees them once a weekend day and apart from that I am home alone. I resent it so much. Dad has found a great well paid job and I am dealing with the kids missing him and no matter what I do it's never going to be enough. Back to the alcohol aspect......I feel alone, angry, resentful, hurt, stupid and sooooo cross with myself for allowing my narcissist Ex into my life. I drink as that's me but I don't think my life circumstances have helped. As soon as my son shouts and hits me the first think I think of is, just get through the day and have a drink later. That's the only way I deal with him and how I deal with the physical and mental pain, Shame and upset. As soon as I have that fist drink I swallow down all the pain that my son gives me, I just want to drink the hurt, pain and loneliness away.....Then I wake up the next morning and it's all worse as I feel crud! Then, it's all the same life just a different day and month.
Sorry if I shouldn't post this here. Am still reading around and trying to work out where I am able to post as most of the things I have read it seems like they are on
going chats and everyone knows everyone. Probably me not reading things right. X
Sorry if I shouldn't post this here. Am still reading around and trying to work out where I am able to post as most of the things I have read it seems like they are on
going chats and everyone knows everyone. Probably me not reading things right. X
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
welcome. you are in the right place. I say get on the phone and start calling around for more help. I know in the state I live in they offer so many options for kids like this, from full day special school programs that are free, to group homes, to people coming in the home to help with services. You are in the right place. And I know how you feel being able to look for the first drink taking it all away. But drinking isn't helping anything.
First things first. Choose one are to focus on. If it is your drinking then address that. Call the AA helpline. Go to a meeting. Start there. If it is your son then call some help lines or look at stuff online and ask for help. We have a school here in Arizona called Aces. My friend has a son that is 10, he is preschool level, not potty trained, verbally and physically lashes out. Her whole home is in complete disarray because of this. She has 2 girls that are not special needs, everyone is falling apart. He goes to this school that is designed just for these type of children and he has gained so much growth. 10 min verbal now. Still a huge issue. Her family goes to church, that helps too.
Hoenstly the key here is the will to change. One step at a time.
I am here to chat, PM me if you need. I have a long history of pain med addiction, booze is not my drug of choice but I have for sure abused it.
Love you!
First things first. Choose one are to focus on. If it is your drinking then address that. Call the AA helpline. Go to a meeting. Start there. If it is your son then call some help lines or look at stuff online and ask for help. We have a school here in Arizona called Aces. My friend has a son that is 10, he is preschool level, not potty trained, verbally and physically lashes out. Her whole home is in complete disarray because of this. She has 2 girls that are not special needs, everyone is falling apart. He goes to this school that is designed just for these type of children and he has gained so much growth. 10 min verbal now. Still a huge issue. Her family goes to church, that helps too.
Hoenstly the key here is the will to change. One step at a time.
I am here to chat, PM me if you need. I have a long history of pain med addiction, booze is not my drug of choice but I have for sure abused it.
Love you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
This for sure sounds like a rough situation. With the school cutting his schooling down to just one hour, it's pretty safe to say they are not prepared to handle special needs children like him. I would speak with the school to get some referrals, as well as do some of your own homework to find another location that is more suited for his needs.
Also as you know drinking will do nothing but make things worse. Starting AA if you haven't already would be worth going to.
Also as you know drinking will do nothing but make things worse. Starting AA if you haven't already would be worth going to.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
It must be really, really hard for you in this situation.
My heart aches for you.
You are fine posting here too.
I never go to chat, I just read threads here. Post away - if its in the wrong place then a moderator will probably move it for you.
I am a single mum to a 7 year old and I work full time and I find that full on so goodness knows how you feel with all that you describe.
It seems like you have the right outside agencies in - like Child and adolescent mental health.
How old is your son?
I am reading right that he goes to school for 1 hour a day?!!
Are there any local support groups for parents experiencing the same as you?
I think your ex is unfair. But you need to hold your head up high, because you have not walked away like he has. You have stayed. That is something to be proud of yep?
All I can say with alcohol is that I believe drink and kids are not not a good mix.
I gave up 5 years ago, when my daughter was 2 years old.
I find I cope better without having to parent whilst being hungover. I would get irritable and snappy and be counting down the hours until it was late enough in the evening to have a drink and the whole cycle would repeat itself.
Alcohol can cause depression and anxiety as I'm sure you know.
It was no way to live. It was miserable.
Is there anything else you could arrange for your son that would give you a bit more space?
I'm not sure how old your son is, but fresh air and exercise could help.
Exercise helps alleviate many bad feelings.
There are forest schools in the UK now and although I do not know much about them, I know children that attend them and they love them.
Could that be an option?
What about grandparents and uncles or other family members?
Can they help you out?
I am thinking that if your son had a set time each week with another family member, it would benefit you both? Perhaps an hour doing an activity like climbing, swimming, playing football with a relative?
Are you looking back on your pregnancies to try and pin point where you went wrong?
If you are, will you promise me you will stop doing that?
That is not healthy and you must not blame this on yourself.
You will probably never understand why it happened. Even if you were to blame, that will not help you move forward in anyway.
You need to be planning where to go from now on, not if you ate or drank something bad when you pregnant.
Please post when you need to.
Never be worried about the right place etc.
I wish you the best xx
My heart aches for you.
You are fine posting here too.
I never go to chat, I just read threads here. Post away - if its in the wrong place then a moderator will probably move it for you.
I am a single mum to a 7 year old and I work full time and I find that full on so goodness knows how you feel with all that you describe.
It seems like you have the right outside agencies in - like Child and adolescent mental health.
How old is your son?
I am reading right that he goes to school for 1 hour a day?!!
Are there any local support groups for parents experiencing the same as you?
I think your ex is unfair. But you need to hold your head up high, because you have not walked away like he has. You have stayed. That is something to be proud of yep?
All I can say with alcohol is that I believe drink and kids are not not a good mix.
I gave up 5 years ago, when my daughter was 2 years old.
I find I cope better without having to parent whilst being hungover. I would get irritable and snappy and be counting down the hours until it was late enough in the evening to have a drink and the whole cycle would repeat itself.
Alcohol can cause depression and anxiety as I'm sure you know.
It was no way to live. It was miserable.
Is there anything else you could arrange for your son that would give you a bit more space?
I'm not sure how old your son is, but fresh air and exercise could help.
Exercise helps alleviate many bad feelings.
There are forest schools in the UK now and although I do not know much about them, I know children that attend them and they love them.
Could that be an option?
What about grandparents and uncles or other family members?
Can they help you out?
I am thinking that if your son had a set time each week with another family member, it would benefit you both? Perhaps an hour doing an activity like climbing, swimming, playing football with a relative?
Are you looking back on your pregnancies to try and pin point where you went wrong?
If you are, will you promise me you will stop doing that?
That is not healthy and you must not blame this on yourself.
You will probably never understand why it happened. Even if you were to blame, that will not help you move forward in anyway.
You need to be planning where to go from now on, not if you ate or drank something bad when you pregnant.
Please post when you need to.
Never be worried about the right place etc.
I wish you the best xx
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Amanda 
I have no advice for you but I know you'll find support here - there are other mothers here dealing with this problem.
I agree with Sasha on this one - drinking is probably hampering your capacity to deal with this.
I hope you'll use the support here - and maybe there's some support in your community for Moms facing this kind of parenting issue?
D
I have no advice for you but I know you'll find support here - there are other mothers here dealing with this problem.
I agree with Sasha on this one - drinking is probably hampering your capacity to deal with this.
I hope you'll use the support here - and maybe there's some support in your community for Moms facing this kind of parenting issue?
D
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
One of my co-workers was in a similar situation. Her husband left her then she had to have her daughter placed in a home full-time as the daughter was a danger to the family. I am sorry you are dealing with this stress. My heartfelt prayers to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Saskatoon, SK
Posts: 80
I'm sorry your going through this, I know people who have been in similar situations and it was aweful, your son sounds a lot like my brother in law, he was very violent, always kicking down doors or punching holes in walls, not long after I started dating my wife she ended up moving into my parents house when it got too much for her to be around, my mother in law turned to drinking to deal with it and she is now suffering from the effects of long term alcohol abuse, as for the brother in law when he was about 30 he finally straightened out enough to deal with and now at 35 he's pretty normal, I wish I had some advice to give you, we tried everything with him, nothing worked but time.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hi Amanda,
I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I have a son with autism and it can be extremely challenging. I see you are in the UK, so I don't know what resources you have there. Here we have agencies that can provide respite care for families in crisis. Are there special schools or day programs that your son may be eligible for? He may need a full time placement for your safety. I know how hard it is. It feels like you are constantly trying to navigate the roughest waters, barely keeping your head above water and sometimes going under a little. As you said, the drink helps for a minute...but the truth is, it's compounding an extremely difficult situation. Your son's disorders are lifelong, as you know. Things can, and very often do, improve but it's a long hard road that is best travelled with all your wits about you. Drinking will not allow you to be clearheaded and face this with the fortitude you will need to keep moving forward. I know it seems it will be harder without the drink to numb out, but actually in my experience, the opposite is true. It is far easier to deal with overwhelming situations sober.
I know well the feelings you describe. It's a heavy burden. But please don't add to that burden with shame. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't cause this in him. Please know that. xo
I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I have a son with autism and it can be extremely challenging. I see you are in the UK, so I don't know what resources you have there. Here we have agencies that can provide respite care for families in crisis. Are there special schools or day programs that your son may be eligible for? He may need a full time placement for your safety. I know how hard it is. It feels like you are constantly trying to navigate the roughest waters, barely keeping your head above water and sometimes going under a little. As you said, the drink helps for a minute...but the truth is, it's compounding an extremely difficult situation. Your son's disorders are lifelong, as you know. Things can, and very often do, improve but it's a long hard road that is best travelled with all your wits about you. Drinking will not allow you to be clearheaded and face this with the fortitude you will need to keep moving forward. I know it seems it will be harder without the drink to numb out, but actually in my experience, the opposite is true. It is far easier to deal with overwhelming situations sober.
I know well the feelings you describe. It's a heavy burden. But please don't add to that burden with shame. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't cause this in him. Please know that. xo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
So sorry for what you're going through Amanda. The thing is, no matter what the problem is, alcohol is never a good solution. It may seem that it will give some temporary relief, but longer term it just makes things even worse.
It sounds like your son would really benefit from being transferred to a special school, and that's very hard to manoeuvre in many areas of the UK. Can I ask, do you have a social worker? If not, it really is advisable to get one. I know that sounds scary but the thing is, the social workers know the system so well, and hkw to word things on application forms and they can help you navigate the system. They can also help you to apply for respite care etc if / when your son has a statement of special needs and an EHDP. Call them and make it clear that you are at the end of your rope and even considering handing him over for full time care (which no one wants to happen).
Many of the kids I teach have one or two days a week living in respite homes (which they love going to as they have a lot of fun there) and with their parents the rest of the time. One of my pupils is in respite 5 nights a week and just 2 nights at home, although she is a particularly challenging case. Many of them also have people who come and take them out for the day or evening as well to give parents a break. The one thing that I see in common with all these parents and pupils who manage to get the most help is that they have a social worker on board so they have regular CIN (child in need) meetings and help to fill, out forms so they know the best way to word applications.
Being in the right school can make such a difference. I've seen such turn-arounds in pupils who transfer to my school. We have no fairy dust, but the place is set up for our pupils needs and we can individualise timetables, plus we have play therapists, and music therapists, and other experienced expert help to draw on.
Prayers for you and your children today.
It sounds like your son would really benefit from being transferred to a special school, and that's very hard to manoeuvre in many areas of the UK. Can I ask, do you have a social worker? If not, it really is advisable to get one. I know that sounds scary but the thing is, the social workers know the system so well, and hkw to word things on application forms and they can help you navigate the system. They can also help you to apply for respite care etc if / when your son has a statement of special needs and an EHDP. Call them and make it clear that you are at the end of your rope and even considering handing him over for full time care (which no one wants to happen).
Many of the kids I teach have one or two days a week living in respite homes (which they love going to as they have a lot of fun there) and with their parents the rest of the time. One of my pupils is in respite 5 nights a week and just 2 nights at home, although she is a particularly challenging case. Many of them also have people who come and take them out for the day or evening as well to give parents a break. The one thing that I see in common with all these parents and pupils who manage to get the most help is that they have a social worker on board so they have regular CIN (child in need) meetings and help to fill, out forms so they know the best way to word applications.
Being in the right school can make such a difference. I've seen such turn-arounds in pupils who transfer to my school. We have no fairy dust, but the place is set up for our pupils needs and we can individualise timetables, plus we have play therapists, and music therapists, and other experienced expert help to draw on.
Prayers for you and your children today.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 119
Hi Amanda,
I am so glad you posted here. This community will help you feel less alone. I have a child who has Asperger's who is now 33 years old. I raised her by myself as her father and I split when she was 8 months old and he moved to another country so he didn't have to pay child support. It was really hard when she was in elementary school. It got a little better when she was in high school. When she hit adulthood she started to blossom and now she is doing so well..working full time etc. I know that must seem far off for you; I tell you that just so you know there is hope for the future, even thought it is so difficult now. The advice on here has been good. Definitely see if you can get a social worker attached for your case, and look for some support groups for parents of kids with autism.
I am so glad you posted here. This community will help you feel less alone. I have a child who has Asperger's who is now 33 years old. I raised her by myself as her father and I split when she was 8 months old and he moved to another country so he didn't have to pay child support. It was really hard when she was in elementary school. It got a little better when she was in high school. When she hit adulthood she started to blossom and now she is doing so well..working full time etc. I know that must seem far off for you; I tell you that just so you know there is hope for the future, even thought it is so difficult now. The advice on here has been good. Definitely see if you can get a social worker attached for your case, and look for some support groups for parents of kids with autism.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 258
Hi Amanda,
I just want to say I know how hard it can be. I have a 20 year old daughter with autism. She still has tantrums, but she was main streamed in school. She went to regular lower classes with modifications because of her lower IQ. But the behavior started improving as she got older. I've been called all the names, been hit, kicked in the stomach, holes in walls, in doors, windows broken. But it got better. The teenage years can be rough for a normal kid, most especially for special needs kids. That's why we have to be fully present.. We need to be able to think clearly. I spent most of her teen years in a fog because I didn't know how to deal with it. I should have focused on finding more services. I'm just now really learning what's available for her.
I will be praying you find some sanity in the chaos! Please take care of yourself!
I just want to say I know how hard it can be. I have a 20 year old daughter with autism. She still has tantrums, but she was main streamed in school. She went to regular lower classes with modifications because of her lower IQ. But the behavior started improving as she got older. I've been called all the names, been hit, kicked in the stomach, holes in walls, in doors, windows broken. But it got better. The teenage years can be rough for a normal kid, most especially for special needs kids. That's why we have to be fully present.. We need to be able to think clearly. I spent most of her teen years in a fog because I didn't know how to deal with it. I should have focused on finding more services. I'm just now really learning what's available for her.
I will be praying you find some sanity in the chaos! Please take care of yourself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 67
Hi all. I just wanted to say thank you to all for replying to my post and helping me to feel not so alone with this. I have had another letter from CAMHS this morning and my son has another appointment on the 16tn May, they have brought the app forward from August as we are so desperate and I let them know.
My son was on medikinet XL meds but he started to suffer with severe paranoia and increased anxiety which at the time seemed worse then the daily outbursts he has. On looking back now as it's been 4 weeks since I stopped he's meds he was a lot better on them so I have started him on them again this morning. I feel so confused as to what is the right thing to do and as I have my son with me the majority of the time I find it hard to call anyone to speak about things. He demands I have my phone on speaker so he can hear what I am talking about and if I don't he starts trashing things and gets violent. I literally cannot breathe with out him hanging off me and if I don't do what he wants I pay for it with punches, kicks, bites and having things thrown at me. Only this morning, I picked him up from school and because I was buzzed in by reception and he hadn't opened the door to me he slapped and kicked me then turned a table upside down. Straight away my thought went to drink as it always does when I feel that I have been assaulted by my son.
Every minute of every day I am walking on eggshells with him and the mental exhaustion I have trying to preempt to get in there before anything escalates is sucking the life out of me.
Later today my son and daughter have swimming lessons after school. Last week my son had such a massive breakdown during the lesson. I had a meeting with the school and he was so anxious from it. Half way through he's lesson he got out the pool and started screaming at me that I needed to tell him everything that was said in the meeting. I tried the usual calm down techniques but he was in the zone and nothing was going to bring him out of it, only when he gets so exhausted he stops.
Parents and obviously other children were witnessing this and It was horrendous. He punched me twice in the face and one of the mums (bless her) tried to help and he screamed at her. He pulled my hair so hard that my hair was ripped out and tangled round he's hands. All I kept thinking was don't cry don't cry, just get out of here and then break down. I didn't want to upset the other children and I just felt so embarrassed that my son was doing this to me. Sooooo I am currently feeling sick with worry that he will kick off again in there and not only that once again I have to walk back into the pool and face the other parents and act like it's all ok when it's not. I am dying inside.
I didn't drink yesterday and for now I have no intention of drinking this evening. When the thought of buying drink comes into my head I keep saying to myself, remember how you will feel in the morning remember!
I don't want to keep drinking every evening. I hate it. I don't enjoy it. I sit watching rubbish TV with my dog looking at me like I have lost the plot and pretend that I am relaxing and enjoying the alcohol but I am not. Then I wake in the morning and it's the same ole same ole.
Thank you once agin to you all. Much love
My son was on medikinet XL meds but he started to suffer with severe paranoia and increased anxiety which at the time seemed worse then the daily outbursts he has. On looking back now as it's been 4 weeks since I stopped he's meds he was a lot better on them so I have started him on them again this morning. I feel so confused as to what is the right thing to do and as I have my son with me the majority of the time I find it hard to call anyone to speak about things. He demands I have my phone on speaker so he can hear what I am talking about and if I don't he starts trashing things and gets violent. I literally cannot breathe with out him hanging off me and if I don't do what he wants I pay for it with punches, kicks, bites and having things thrown at me. Only this morning, I picked him up from school and because I was buzzed in by reception and he hadn't opened the door to me he slapped and kicked me then turned a table upside down. Straight away my thought went to drink as it always does when I feel that I have been assaulted by my son.
Every minute of every day I am walking on eggshells with him and the mental exhaustion I have trying to preempt to get in there before anything escalates is sucking the life out of me.
Later today my son and daughter have swimming lessons after school. Last week my son had such a massive breakdown during the lesson. I had a meeting with the school and he was so anxious from it. Half way through he's lesson he got out the pool and started screaming at me that I needed to tell him everything that was said in the meeting. I tried the usual calm down techniques but he was in the zone and nothing was going to bring him out of it, only when he gets so exhausted he stops.
Parents and obviously other children were witnessing this and It was horrendous. He punched me twice in the face and one of the mums (bless her) tried to help and he screamed at her. He pulled my hair so hard that my hair was ripped out and tangled round he's hands. All I kept thinking was don't cry don't cry, just get out of here and then break down. I didn't want to upset the other children and I just felt so embarrassed that my son was doing this to me. Sooooo I am currently feeling sick with worry that he will kick off again in there and not only that once again I have to walk back into the pool and face the other parents and act like it's all ok when it's not. I am dying inside.
I didn't drink yesterday and for now I have no intention of drinking this evening. When the thought of buying drink comes into my head I keep saying to myself, remember how you will feel in the morning remember!
I don't want to keep drinking every evening. I hate it. I don't enjoy it. I sit watching rubbish TV with my dog looking at me like I have lost the plot and pretend that I am relaxing and enjoying the alcohol but I am not. Then I wake in the morning and it's the same ole same ole.
Thank you once agin to you all. Much love
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
The meds are such a delicate balance. And often it takes a while for them to kick in and settle down, only for them to work well for a while then lose their effectiveness. It requires a lot of monitoring so that patterns can be spotted.
Thankfully I've not got any students who attack me this year, but I remember how exhausting it is constantly being on the watch for when we need to evacuate the classroom, and goodness knows how you can cope with this at home. I'm sure that once all the assessments have been done you'll be entitled to help and surely he'll be able to go to a school where they can cater for his needs.
Prayers for you. And remember that drinking doesn't help anything. It just makes us less able to move past the alcoholic thinking and escape the unmanageability of our lives. Xx
Thankfully I've not got any students who attack me this year, but I remember how exhausting it is constantly being on the watch for when we need to evacuate the classroom, and goodness knows how you can cope with this at home. I'm sure that once all the assessments have been done you'll be entitled to help and surely he'll be able to go to a school where they can cater for his needs.
Prayers for you. And remember that drinking doesn't help anything. It just makes us less able to move past the alcoholic thinking and escape the unmanageability of our lives. Xx
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
I'm so glad they moved the appt up for you and I hope they can provide you with some real help. I am lucky in that my ex and I share custody of my son and sharing the challenges makes it a little easier. My heart goes out to you. I know how it feels when everyone is staring and witnessing a meltdown. It's horrible.
idk how old your son is, but I noticed changes when puberty hit. Some things improved and some things got much worse.
I'm so very happy that you've chosen not to drink. I know that when I drank daily, it felt like it was taking the edge off, but in reality all the depression and anxiety I had was being multiplied a thousand times over by the alcohol and with continued drinking I became completely overwhelmed. Literally. Like involuntarily-placed-in-the psych-ward overwhelmed. It was not good.
Hugs to you. xo
idk how old your son is, but I noticed changes when puberty hit. Some things improved and some things got much worse.
I'm so very happy that you've chosen not to drink. I know that when I drank daily, it felt like it was taking the edge off, but in reality all the depression and anxiety I had was being multiplied a thousand times over by the alcohol and with continued drinking I became completely overwhelmed. Literally. Like involuntarily-placed-in-the psych-ward overwhelmed. It was not good.
Hugs to you. xo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I'm sorry you have been experiencing all of this. I really am. It does sound like a very very tough situation. Something has. to change for you. It's good to read the appointment is soon. I really hope you can get more real life help.
We are here for you. Ill be reading the progress. Good to see that you are not drinking. Keep moving forward.
We are here for you. Ill be reading the progress. Good to see that you are not drinking. Keep moving forward.
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