Casseopia

When this all unfolded and I learned about my husband's secret double life, 18 months ago, we decided to go on a short holiday and not talk about it for a week. That was relatively successful, we got on, we needed a break. However on leaving to go on holiday, I had a panic attack that lasted from our house all the way to the airport. It was frightening and I thought it would never end.

Since then, my panic attacks take place mainly while driving but occasionally other places too and they are horrible.

Tonight I wanted to go to Al-anon for the first time. It's a 1/2 hour drive. I took a beta-blocker, stayed hydrated, meditated last night, kept calm today, did lots of breathing and put my favourite music on in the car. Five minutes away from the meeting I turned back in tears and panic, feeling sick with a massive tummy-ache.

So upset.

Things I have done in the past year to try and alleviate the panic:

One-on-one counselling with an addiction specialist counsellor which I am going back to tomorrow
A four-day retreat for families / partners of addicts
Given up alcohol (mostly - just the very occasional glass of wine once or twice a month) and coffee
Taken up running again
Boxing training (to try and get the anger out of my system)
Walks every day with my dog
Meditation and mindfullness
Hypnotherapy and CBT
Learning about addiction (on here, other websites, books, etc)
New house (which I love and has no memories of 'us')
Cutting my friendship circle down to those I know I can trust and lean on
Lots of quiet time, in isolation, to process everything
A new work contract (I'm freelance) designing a monthly magazine, which I love

It's been 18 months since I found out and a year of anxiety. I do not know what else my body, brain and soul needs from me.

I was very upset to be just five minutes away. I have promised I will not beat myself up about it - I just don't know what else to do to help myself.

Ariesagain

The panic attack on your way to a holiday with a man who had been systematically lying to you makes all kinds of sense to me...panic attacks aren't always irrational.

Going to Alanon is another huge step in facing the awful reality of what has happened in a more public way...I can see why your brain would resist that step.

Be gentle with yourself...so you didn't get there today. It's not like Alanon is going away. You've been so amazingly strong and proactive in handling all of this. You'll get there.

Sending you a hug.

firebolt

Get your body used to that trip if you can!

FWIW, I went to Alanon, and sat in the parking lot and cried, and turned around and went home...TWICE before I made it inside.

THen when I made it inside, I sobbed through the first 3 meetings.

It was worth it and then some.

Casseopia

Thank you Aries - I needed some kind words and I needed that hug. It honestly feels like this grief will never end. Some days it feels as bad as it did on day one.

Casseopia

I have been having driving anxiety anyway so I hadn't actually considered that Al-anon itself would make me feel anxious. But that makes sense. Thank you.

LexieCat

If it helps at all, consider the fact that you don't have to say ONE WORD about yourself or your situation at the first meeting. Or the second. Or ever, for that matter.

My own guess is that once you've been to 2-3 meetings and see how they work, you will feel comfortable enough to share a bit.

Hummer

I say well done for even getting in the car to go to the meeting. You can always try another time.

You really are doing well and the list of things you are already managing to do in order to help your situation is very impressive - keep up the good work, you're doing great

SeaOfSerenity

its all small steps casseopia. you did really well even though you feel like you haven't done and failed.

maybe the next time youll get to the car park and turn back. that's progress.
then the next time make it to the door and turn back.
then sit down and run out. eventually you'll have been going for ages and the struggle a memory

I struggle as well and really just going through it and not letting it stop you can help though it can be hell. try not to get too down. you've been through a lot and been rocked, you will be unsteady till youre steady again. and that's ok

AnvilheadII

just consider it practice laps, Cass! how about drive to the location on a non-meeting day, just go and see the building, scope out the parking, get your bearings.

with absolutely NO psychology training, i suspect that leaving your home base for the "unknown" - such as going on a trip away with a sudden STRANGER - is very frightening to you. very unsettling. it puts you out of your element. so doing a field trip, or hell, even Google Maps Street view can help you acclimate to the "new" location.

perhaps you could even take some small token from your home WITH you....something small and tangible that fits in your hand. sort of like Dorothy clicking her heels...there's no place like home. and when you touch it, hold it, FEEL it, that connection to home and safe is there.

just a thought.

dandylion

Casseopia....here is my suggestion.....seek a psychologist who is specifically trained in dealing with panic attacks (anxiety disorders).
It was fin that you went to an addictions counselor...but, this is a specific area that requires a trained practioner....
there are specific desensitizing techniques, visualization exercising, breathing techniques, etc., that work. It can be done in a relatively short time, with the right techniques.
It is important to do it now...because, the longer it is allowed to go on...one becomes afraid of the fear, itself....it becomes "fear of fear"....don't let it go that far.

**I think that Anvils's suggestions are fine and have validity, as far as they go.....it is just that I believe that you need a totally comprehensive approach, because you have
had the attacks in other settings, besides going to this one alanon meeting......

Casseopia

I suspect that leaving your home base for the "unknown" - such as going on a trip away with a sudden STRANGER - is very frightening to you

This! Yes! Well put. That's so insightful. I did look across at him in the car, as I drove and panicked, and thought; I'm feeling like this because I do not trust you.

The frustration comes because I've been brave all my life; physically and emotionally. So to panic about driving for half an hour is alien to me. I'm not beating myself up but I do occasionally get frustrated.

firebolt

There are online and phone meetings as well if that would help!

PhoenixJ

Oh the irony- just woke from a very anxiety creating nightmare connecting lots of stuff in memories. Anxiety for me is a reminder to focus on the here and now. Like typing this. Grounding- mindful breathing. The rush of physical knee-jerk passes enough then for me to be able to function. To accept memories do not hurt me now- only if I allow them to. Not a magical cure- a chipping away slowly, again , again...
Empathy in truck loads to you.

Casseopia

And to you. How long have you had anxiety for? It's the worst feeling.

Sasha1972

Maybe focus on what you did achieve (got in the car, drove almost all the way to the Al Anon meeting) rather than what you didn't achieve this time (got out of the car and went into the meeting). Also remember that you drove to the meeting, you had an anxiety attack, and you survived. It was awful and painful, but here you are on the other side of it. Next time, you can get out of the car and go into the meeting and that will be a big achievement too.

I'm not trying to minimize anxiety - I used to have panic attacks pretty badly so I know the feeling. One thing that a doctor told me that really helped me was this: During an attack, you feel like you're going to die. But you are not going to die. In a few minutes you are going to be fine. Part of your brain is saying "danger! I'm going to die!". But in a little while that part of your brain will be quiet and you'll be okay. (In other words, reminding myself that panic attacks are transient and are not harmful, even though all your fight-or-flight instincts are activated).

I agree with the poster above who said to seek help early so that you don't develop fear-of-fear. I'd also add - don't hesitate to use medication, even benzodiazapines, if it helps to prevent the attacks. I still carry a vial of Ativan with me, and just having it, even though I almost never use it now, is helpful in warding off anxiety.

Txbuttercup

I too have struggled with panic attacks in the past. In addition to getting professional help, I agree with the trail run. Just drive there, don't even let yourself think of going in. Watch and listen as people come and go. Use that time to read here or listen to alanlon podcasts. There are even live streaming meetings if its timed right. Do this as many times as needed.

When I first went it was the day after my husband checked into inpatient and I was at a devastating low. Many groups have a dedicated newcomers meeting, where some of the senior members come in early to show you the ropes and give you pamphlets. At mine, it was 2 oldies to 2 newbies. I stayed for the main meeting after and heard countless people say they cried thru the first several meetings.

My last meeting I was a nervous wreck since my controlling AH was literally sitting in the parking lot waiting on me while drinking wine. I was afraid he was going to come in and cause a scene. I jumped at every sound. The topic was self care, and while they were talking about foot massages I was muffling sobs. As I made my way quickly out the door people said they were glad I was there as I passed. Not trying to hijack the thread, but I hope it shows how accepting the group is, and that a lot of people, including me, have been where you are.

PinkPetuna

Hi Casseopia,

I can commiserate with what you are going through. I too have troubles leaving the house and I don't unless I truly have to be somewhere.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You tried. Perhaps you can look at it as working towards a goal of attending a meeting? As another poster said, perhaps just go with a goal to sit in the parking lot for however many times you need. For me, I considered making the decision to search for an Al-Anon meeting was a "win". One step at a time.

I have a good friend that offered to go with me to my first meeting. Do you have someone who can go with you? Sit with you for support?
You don't have to say anything.

Anxiety is the worst. Hugs.

honeypig

You know, I think it's fairly difficult any more to find someone who hasn't had a panic attack at some point...and especially among a group like this, who've lived w/all kinds of internal and external stress, sometimes for virtually their whole lives!

I don't have anything to add to the good advice and suggestions above, just wanted to add my name to the list of folks who've been there. Sometimes just knowing that what's happening to you isn't weird and that you aren't alone in experiencing it takes away a lot of the fear.

Hope you find some good tools to deal with this.

Mango blast

Casseopia, how have you been doing lately?

(((Hugs)))