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What is wrong with me this time?

Old 04-30-2017, 10:18 PM
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What is wrong with me this time?

I'm having a hard time in the actual rooms this time around.
A little bit of my story is I had almost a year and a half back in 2012/2013. Now I honestly don't remember when or why I started again, but I thought I was cured or something. Opiates were my DOC I thought so Alcohol was optional right? What an idiot I am!!! The last few years I've been binging whenever I got a chance, like when all the kids were out. and in between hanging on for dear life, sometimes pot, sometimes pain meds if something came up like a pulled tooth or whatever. And I'm afraid I been enabling my husband in the worst way, putting up imaginary and idiotic "barriers" while he drank almost daily and making excuses for him, and living this ridiculous cycle of anger and more. "I don't care if you drink as long as you don't do it when the kids are here" turned into "I don't care if you drink as long as you wait until 7" turned into "I don't care if you drink as long as you stay in the room and don't bug the kids" turned into "I hate you when you drink, don't talk to me" while I was being a huge bitch to my kids and dying to be numb. I've felt for so long now that I would never be happy again, maybe better off dead, afraid my husband would die or go into a diabetic coma one of these nights.
Then a miracle happened in two parts, I went on vacation and drank a ton, and finally figured out the cause of a horrific symptom I've been struggling with for a couple years now. DOH! It always happens after I drink, GO FIGURE. second part of miracle: my husband nearly died and lost all our money at the casino. Miracle? Yes, it wass the rock bottom he needed. Brand new outlook for both of us, Hey we don't want to die!

So now, we are back in the rooms, as I'd been dreaming , Hoping, Praying for!!! It's good Right? I feel so strange in there now, but I didn;t used to, I feel unwelcome sort of, like I'll say or do the wrong thing and it'll all be lost again. everytime I go with my husband, he sometimes shares, I'm sitting there a mess trying not to cry. Why is this so hard now? I've been waiting so long!
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Old 05-01-2017, 06:00 AM
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Originally Posted by NoDramaMama View Post

So now, we are back in the rooms, as I'd been dreaming , Hoping, Praying for!!! It's good Right? I feel so strange in there now, but I didn;t used to, I feel unwelcome sort of, like I'll say or do the wrong thing and it'll all be lost again. everytime I go with my husband, he sometimes shares, I'm sitting there a mess trying not to cry. Why is this so hard now? I've been waiting so long!
I assume by "the romms" you are referring to either NA or AA meetings?
if so, of course its good!
you feel unwelcome, but that feeling isn't true.
I strongly encourage you and husband to go to separate meetings.
that could be a reason its so hard and feels unwelcome.
your recovery is your recovery and your husbands is his.
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