batchel9

I moved out a little over 3 weeks ago and it has been emotional ups and downs. I still see my AH for kids things and about once per week because I still have a lot of stuff at the house.

I'm wrestling with several emotions:
1. Every time I see AH he acts like things are good. He is all like "I miss you" and "I want to start going on dates again". And I'm all like "nope". I don't feel like that! Then I am flooded with guilt that I am the one not trying here.
2. He tells me these things that he is doing to better himself and I feel like I don't even care. Like "too late buddy". Again, then I feel guilty that I am the one not caring/trying.
3. I am actually enjoying living on my own. I hung out with friends last week twice and really enjoyed it. I feel myself wanting to move on and forward and I feel guilty about that too.

I think divorce is imminent, but taking the first steps in that direction feel so final and life changing. And I feel like I'm letting my kids and family/friends down big time.

Needing some support/input

SparkleKitty

You have every right to enjoy your life, batchel, regardless of the size of the role he plays in it.

Your first and foremost obligation is to yourself. Your family and kids may not understand this at first, but the very best thing you can do is to SHOW them what taking care of yourself looks like. We're raised to believe that self-sacrifice for the sake of what other people want is noble or admirable, but the reality is that is just an illusion. We do not have the power to make other people happy, even if we give them exactly what they tell us they want. If they are not content with themselves as they are, we cannot give them that. We are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness.

And the reality is, sometimes relationships end. Sometimes it's because of addiction, sometimes it's because people grow apart, sometimes it feels like there is no reason at all, and I'm telling you, you do not need a better reason than that. You do not have to justify your pursuit of contentment, peace, and happiness to ANYONE besides yourself.

Being happy with yourself is its own justification. Your family and your kids will see that eventually, and for your kids...that is the best example you can give them.

maia1234

B,
Your husband knows what "needs" to be "done" for a reconciliation. My axh reached out 2 1/2 years post divorce and said the same thing. Ugh!! I know it hits the heart strings, but talk is cheap. Try not to give him the one on one time, that he can have the opportunity to say these things to you.

Divorce takes a long time to complete. I am sure there will be plenty of events over the next year that will solidify your decision. You will have good days and bad, own and validate each and every one of them. This just makes you stronger to do what ever you decide to do. Tight hugs!!

Maudcat

Arrrggghhh! Guilt, leave my head!

batchel9

I guess my guilt comes from the worry also that I might regret this decision someday. Like am I making decisions that benefit short term but not long?

honeypig

I feel that the exact opposite is true, batchel. Continuing to do as you've done for so long would be the short-term view, as you hope that each repetition of unacceptable behavior will really be "the last time", as you struggle to control what was never in your hands to begin with. Moving ahead, making changes, learning, growing and letting go of what's not yours--now THOSE are the actions of someone who is looking at the long run.

And by the way, your AH shouldn't need to tell you all the things he's doing to get better--you should be able to see it for yourself. Plus, those things, if they are going to be a permanent part of who he is, are going to need to happen regularly over time, a long period of time, in order to be real. If you haven't seen it said here yet, here it is, one of our "carved in stone" sayings to live by: Time takes time. Real, true change for him isn't going to happen in days or weeks.

Know what else? You are going to be a different person in a month or 6 or 12 or 2 years. Yes, you really will, believe me or not.

One more thing: When I was waffling on splitting from XAH, my bro told me "well, first of all, it will be several months at least from your filing to the actual divorce, and you can drop it at any point. Second, if you do divorce and it turns out to be a mistake, you can always get remarried--it happens, look around you!" And he is right--if 2 or 3 years go by and your A is shining w/recovery day in and day out, well, then you can discuss getting back together if it's what you both still want!

I know and understand that hesitation and fear, batchel. I remember it well. But for me, going ahead has turned out to be absolutely the right move.

FallenAngelina

These questions are a normal part of the divorce process. Very few people unequivocally know at the outset that divorce is the right decision, but most of us feel our way there over the course of time. This worry you have doesn't mean anything other than that you're taking a lot into consideration during your decision making process. I'll say that for me, worry is a blinking neon sign that says, "Go Back, Wrong Way!" Inner tranquility is always a sign post signaling the right direction.

Westexy

EVERYTHING that Honeypig said. Also, you can be together again someday without being married, if things go that way. It has been such a short time that these new behaviors mean very little honestly. I think you would be letting your kids down if you started up again so soon with someone who hasn't earned trust and proven that they are responsible and reliable, no matter your feelings for him, even if that person is their dad.

LexieCat

For that matter, if he recovers you could wind up with a relationship like the one I have with my first husband. When we divorced, he was over 15 years sober (he got sober before we got married). I was the one who didn't feel "right" about the marriage, and he was understandably hurt and angry when I left. Thanks to his recovery (and some good counseling he sought for himself), he worked through that, and now, 20 years later, we are still good friends. We parented our kids cooperatively. I stay with him and his wife when I go out to visit our now-adult kids. In fact, they are coming out here to visit friends and family in a couple of weeks and they are staying here at my house.

So yeah, recovery is a good thing no matter what, and divorce doesn't mean you can't benefit from it, regardless of whether you get back together "that way" or not.

Casseopia

Hi Batchel,

I'm in a similar position and have had very good advice here. Please read my posts if you can.

My conclusion is that I will know when it feels right to take those final steps. I need to file the final paperwork from a place of strength and serenity and not out of fear and anger.

My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain.

Hummer

Hi batchel,

Your post is exactly what I can relate to today.

My husband and I have been separated since Jan, spent a few weeks at his bedside in February and been away in my own home since then.

I am seeing my solicitor on Tuesday and although I can really see a difference in myself lately, in terms of recovery, I'm more socially active, have reinstated hobbies, fitness and made arrangements to go on trips with friends etc I am also feeling rather a lot of guilt and sadness when I think of AH and all the effort he's putting into his recovery with the eventual hope that we will reconcile...
Don't feel great and can really empathise - sorry you're feeling this way too.
The comments you have received are helping me too!
Best wishes

Sasha1972

I think that it's completely normal to feel some ambivalence when you see your AH. He's not 100% evil all the time, so there are bound to be a few pangs.

I think the really important thing is how you feel when you're alone. You mentioned tranquility and peace. Did you feel that during your marriage? How do you feel about yourself now? Setting aside the pangs of guilt, do you like the person you are when you're on your own?

Ladybird579

I am also feeling rather a lot of guilt and sadness when I think of AH and all the effort he's putting into his recovery with the eventual hope that we will reconcile...

With my exah it was too little too late. I'd done all my trying...years and years of it while he did nothing. Then he pulls his finger out for a few weeks and am expected to be all lovey dovey again and being made to feel bad by him cos am not cos am done. It didn't last. He went back to his old ways as soon as he realised I was not going to change my mind. It was all an act.

And I feel like I'm letting my kids and family/friends down big time.

Your kids will not thank you if the situation continues. True friends will understand and it's not really anyone else business. You are not letting anyone down. Your ex let you and your children down. You are just picking up the pieces and living your life the best way you know how. The same as your family and friends are. Don/t feel guilty for starting to feel happy. xx

mylifeismine

Posted by Ladybird : Don/t feel guilty for starting to feel happy.

This.

I have thought about this alot and how the feeling of really
being happy and at peace is so foreign to many of us after
living so long with active alcoholism that it is downright
uncomfortable!

Self-compassion, self-love, the belief that your higher
power wants you to be happy and fulfill your dreams is
needed here.....

Great wisdom in this thread....... stay strong

firebolt

You really put the crux of the Codie dilemma into words...

Do I do something to let MYSELF down?, or
Do I do something that is good for me but MAKES ME FEEL like I am letting everyone else down?

Your kids and family love you and want you to be happy, and a happy mother IS what is best for the kids.

I have a fairly unhappy mother. It does damage, and it teaches us to be martyrs, it teaches us to never seek help, and it teaches us that we are doing a good thing by sacrificing ourselves for other people. Although our lives become our own responsibility, I believe an unhappy parent can lay the foundation for codie or addicted kids.

I hope you take care of yourself - you can show your kids that building the life you want is a healthy way to live!!

Ariesagain

It's also possible you did some of your grieving before you actually took action.

You are allowed to have the best life you can.

You are really, REALLY allowed to take your children out of a situation in which they're having dysfunctional and damaging behavior trotted out in front of them day after day and having everyone act like this is normal. I grew up that way and it does far more damage than just the fights and the drunkathons...when kids see truth and are told a lie, they grow up unable to trust, especially themselves.

Sending you a hug.

batchel9

HP you are so wise!!!

I keep coming back to this string of messages on the days that I am struggling.

I feel like my emotions are a roller coaster. And it often is dictated by my interactions with AH right now. If he is acting like the man I married and is demonstrating that he is working on himself, I get sad and start questioning everything. If he is a dink, I'm all "good riddance". How does one exit the coaster? Will I ever have clarity?

Maudcat

Hi, Batchel. I think clarity comes when we are away from alcoholic for a while.
I cannot count how many posts I have read here that confirm it.
It is hard to know what's right when you are in the middle of it. Forest for trees and all.
Good luck. Hugs to you.

dandylion

batchel...one tried and true method to combat the selective recall is to make a list of the top reason that got you to this, in the first place...Keep it with you at all times...I kept mine in my bra. Read it as many times a day as you get weak in your resolve.
Usually, they can keep the "good behavior" going when they are highly motivated to keep you on board...but, don't have the ability or desire to keep it up forever....if they did...they wouldn't go back to the old behavior, as soon as your guard is down

honeypig

I think this is really true; at least, it sure was for me. I still had my doubts when we separated, but had less 6 months later when we finalized the divorce. I had even less doubts 6 months after that when I told him I needed him to move out of the upper unit of my house. Last summer, I came to terms w/my decision even more, and now, a year after that, I can honestly say it was the right thing to do, no doubts whatsoever.

But it took time, and I surely couldn't have seen things any sooner, and definitely could not have seen things clearly while still living with XAH.