New and need help
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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New and need help
Hello and thanks for taking time to read. My nephew lives with me and I believe he has a drinking problem. He recently moved in with me because he got drunk and had a large fight with his girlfriend who he was planning on asking to marry him. She kicked him out and since we live in the same city, he asked to live with me. I told him he could but he needed to relax on any partying he was doing. He has had a history of substance abuse in the past, but always seemed to grow past it but alcohol was always in the picture of some form. I have now come to realize that in my opinion his drinking is a problem. He says he doesn't drink before work (I'm not sure as we have different schedules), he is a chef in a micro brewery so afterwards he gets good deals on beer. Says he only has 2 or 3, but it's almost every night. Then on nights off he drinks more usually. And I inadvertently am enabling him because I have him cheap rent, very cheap. I found an open 12 pack in his trunk the other day as well as an empty little mini bottle of crown. I also have smelled alcohol on his breath while his claim was that it was from the night before. He is smoking cigars a lot, I assume to cover the smell. Last night he came home after bar close, about 2-3 hours after he was supposed to get out of work and I confronted him about his drinking (I had actually done it a couple days ago in a loving "I care about you" fashion, this time it was more of an angry, I need you to know I'm serious way). We got in an argument and he told me he refused to stop drinking even though I brought up that it has caused strained relationships between him and his parents, ex gf, and other family members. He had a little emotional breakdown about his breakup, admitted he was drinking to soothe his anxiety and depression he also brought up that he had a friend in town who offered housing after the breakup (although it was at a higher price). Today he told me he was going out after work tonight again. When I brought up our conversation from last night and how I was concerned, he insisted that it wasn't a big deal, he used to be so much worse and that he wasn't doing it every night. I told him he needed to move out. Did I do the right thing?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Justin, I think you did do the right thing. He probably has no intention to quit drinking in the near future, anyway.
I am sure that this was painful for you, but, I think it will spare more bad feelings and emotion with a family member, down the road....
Wish him well, and let him go....
sometimes, the right decision is, also, the hardest one....
I am sure that this was painful for you, but, I think it will spare more bad feelings and emotion with a family member, down the road....
Wish him well, and let him go....
sometimes, the right decision is, also, the hardest one....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
I think you made the best decision for him, for you, and for the relationship between the two of you.
He is employed and has another option, let him take it! The decision will only get more difficult...a year from now he could be unemployed and have nowhere to go.
If he stays, you will be the "thing" between him and alcohol in his mind and it could get ugly, no matter what a great guy he is or how close you are. He will likely get worse before he gets better. You can provide emotional support from a distance if he asks without being subjected to the daily carnage. Win win.
Good luck to you both. You came to the right place and will get some good advice!
He is employed and has another option, let him take it! The decision will only get more difficult...a year from now he could be unemployed and have nowhere to go.
If he stays, you will be the "thing" between him and alcohol in his mind and it could get ugly, no matter what a great guy he is or how close you are. He will likely get worse before he gets better. You can provide emotional support from a distance if he asks without being subjected to the daily carnage. Win win.
Good luck to you both. You came to the right place and will get some good advice!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 7
I wasn't sure if I was overreacting on the actions he took or the amount being drank. He's definitely not like some of the alcoholics I've seen in society. But I feel like time and/or one bad situation is going to make it worse. I don't want to give him the freedom to make it worse but I also know I just created a bad situation to make it worse
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Justin, I think you did do the right thing. He probably has no intention to quit drinking in the near future, anyway.
I am sure that this was painful for you, but, I think it will spare more bad feelings and emotion with a family member, down the road....
Wish him well, and let him go....
sometimes, the right decision is, also, the hardest one....
I am sure that this was painful for you, but, I think it will spare more bad feelings and emotion with a family member, down the road....
Wish him well, and let him go....
sometimes, the right decision is, also, the hardest one....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 7
Thanks you make a lot of good points. I'm glad I found this board, I searched for an hour for helplines but they all seem to be different treatment centers
Originally Posted by Txbuttercup
I think you made the best decision for him, for you, and for the relationship between the two of you.
He is employed and has another option, let him take it! The decision will only get more difficult...a year from now he could be unemployed and have nowhere to go.
If he stays, you will be the "thing" between him and alcohol in his mind and it could get ugly, no matter what a great guy he is or how close you are. He will likely get worse before he gets better. You can provide emotional support from a distance if he asks without being subjected to the daily carnage. Win win.
Good luck to you both. You came to the right place and will get some good advice!
He is employed and has another option, let him take it! The decision will only get more difficult...a year from now he could be unemployed and have nowhere to go.
If he stays, you will be the "thing" between him and alcohol in his mind and it could get ugly, no matter what a great guy he is or how close you are. He will likely get worse before he gets better. You can provide emotional support from a distance if he asks without being subjected to the daily carnage. Win win.
Good luck to you both. You came to the right place and will get some good advice!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Welcome Justin. I'm glad you found us.
I hope the decision was the best for you. For your nephew, it doesn't matter so much as he will need to travel his own road in alcoholism/recovery. Nothing anyone does or says will really make that much of a difference for him. I wish it did but that isn't how alcoholism works.
Your story makes me shudder as I have nephews who are the world to me and I know there are no guarantees. They will do what they need to do.
Peace and courage to you.
I hope the decision was the best for you. For your nephew, it doesn't matter so much as he will need to travel his own road in alcoholism/recovery. Nothing anyone does or says will really make that much of a difference for him. I wish it did but that isn't how alcoholism works.
Your story makes me shudder as I have nephews who are the world to me and I know there are no guarantees. They will do what they need to do.
Peace and courage to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 7
New question
Since this is my nephew, I've seen my sister go through this before with him. She wanted him out of her house, he cried and begged and eventually they came up to some half agreement that worked for a little while. I'm sure most know what happens next. I feel he will more than likely pull it on me, trying to bargain although he was pretty defiant when I told him he had to stop drinking altogether if he wanted to live with me. I was planning on giving him 5 days to move out. Is that reasonable? What are some other things you have experienced as a manipulation?
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Thanks. Yes it is very heart wrenching at the moment. My sister had him very young to an abusive boyfriend who was soon out of my nephews life. So we grew up together in our younger years, he is a lot like a little brother. I was gone for college in another state and moved around some before relocating back near home and I missed some of those years where I feel he formed these habits (early teenage) in the first place and have always felt some sort of blame. Not to mention when he wanted to move in with me I thought I was going to be able to fix it and finally pull him out of this mess. I've cried more today than I have the last 10 years combined
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Justin, has anyone recommended Codependent No More to you. It is a bit of a bible in these parts. Some find Alanon helpful too. Resources like these can help with detachment and boundaries. Unfortunately they don't change the pain; that is just part of the situation.
I don't see anything wrong with five days as long as it is alright with you.
Circle the wagons all you can (if you are a Brit or Down Under, you might have to look up the phrase). This can be heartbreaking.
I don't see anything wrong with five days as long as it is alright with you.
Circle the wagons all you can (if you are a Brit or Down Under, you might have to look up the phrase). This can be heartbreaking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
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no I can't say I've heard of it although I am new. I was a bouncer for some years so setting boundaries isn't difficult, with family emotion I will say it adds a new, much more difficult dimension though. Fortunately I was the holdout in the family, thinking things might change....
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Justin, has anyone recommended Codependent No More to you. It is a bit of a bible in these parts. Some find Alanon helpful too. Resources like these can help with detachment and boundaries. Unfortunately they don't change the pain; that is just part of the situation.
I don't see anything wrong with five days as long as it is alright with you.
Circle the wagons all you can (if you are a Brit or Down Under, you might have to look up the phrase). This can be heartbreaking.
I don't see anything wrong with five days as long as it is alright with you.
Circle the wagons all you can (if you are a Brit or Down Under, you might have to look up the phrase). This can be heartbreaking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Originally Posted by Justin6446
no I can't say I've heard of it although I am new. I was a bouncer for some years so setting boundaries isn't difficult, with family emotion I will say it adds a new, much more difficult dimension though. Fortunately I was the holdout in the family, thinking things might change....
There is another forum here for Parents/Relatives/Siblings of Alcoholics. You might give that a try too. Although you are absolutely most welcome here. Working through the mish mash of best posts in the stickies can be helpful too.
Keep looking into resources and help for yourself. This is no joke watching a loved one go off the rails (as you are unfortunately finding out). Often the best any of us can do is be sure our own lives are not destroyed by the alcoholic. Most of us . . . . sigh, probably all of us come to this conclusion very, very reluctantly and with more tears (more accurately: bawling our heads off) than we thought possible.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
he was pretty defiant when I told him he had to stop drinking altogether if he wanted to live with me. I was planning on giving him 5 days to move out. Is that reasonable?
Not living cheaply with you is a consequence of his choice to continue drinking. This choice is his to make and the consequence is his to deal with. Yes, it's hard when it's family but IMO you absolutely did the right thing.
You can be a supportive uncle without having him under your roof.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Justin6446
I feel he will more than likely pull it on me, trying to bargain although he was pretty defiant when I told him he had to stop drinking altogether if he wanted to live with me.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: VA
Posts: 4
Justin, I don't think you should kick him out. I've seen the other responses and I think they are coming from a different place. I used alcohol to treat my depression and anxiety in the same way, and I've seen how it can get away from you.
The thing with depression is that it goes up and down. You can't tell him to stop drinking when he's down or he will just move in with someone else, and being that he is now more down because you threw him out, he'll end up drinking more or becoming more self destructive. You need to catch him when he's up rather than down.
Speaking from experience, when the cloud of depression lifts slightly, you have an opportunity to make positive changes in your life. If you kick him when he's down, it will just prolong the downward spiral.
You should try to get him to do positive things and show him that you are reliable and dependable and he is in a stable environment. Sometimes, just eating healthy and getting some good rest for a day or 2 is enough to lift the cloud of depression enough to make you want to make another healthy step.
For example, find a new workout and diet regimen that is healthy, and try to get him to do it with you. Set a start date with a diet menu and daily workout that starts slow and picks up. Let him have 2 glasses of white wine per day as part of the diet, but if he drinks the wine, he needs to do extra exercises, for example. After a couple of days, he should feel more healthy and like life looking more in his favor, and he should start to want to drink less and feel better.
The only catch is, if he is physically addicted to alcohol, he may experience withdrawal symptoms, and he'll want to go off of the diet, but that could also be a wake up call for him, if he realizes that he is addicted and can't make the positive changes that he wants to make in his life.
Do not kick him out! People with depression need positive influences and a strong support system in their lives. If you really want to help your friend, you'll be there for him and not abandon him when he needs you most.
Best of luck to you,
Mrs W
The thing with depression is that it goes up and down. You can't tell him to stop drinking when he's down or he will just move in with someone else, and being that he is now more down because you threw him out, he'll end up drinking more or becoming more self destructive. You need to catch him when he's up rather than down.
Speaking from experience, when the cloud of depression lifts slightly, you have an opportunity to make positive changes in your life. If you kick him when he's down, it will just prolong the downward spiral.
You should try to get him to do positive things and show him that you are reliable and dependable and he is in a stable environment. Sometimes, just eating healthy and getting some good rest for a day or 2 is enough to lift the cloud of depression enough to make you want to make another healthy step.
For example, find a new workout and diet regimen that is healthy, and try to get him to do it with you. Set a start date with a diet menu and daily workout that starts slow and picks up. Let him have 2 glasses of white wine per day as part of the diet, but if he drinks the wine, he needs to do extra exercises, for example. After a couple of days, he should feel more healthy and like life looking more in his favor, and he should start to want to drink less and feel better.
The only catch is, if he is physically addicted to alcohol, he may experience withdrawal symptoms, and he'll want to go off of the diet, but that could also be a wake up call for him, if he realizes that he is addicted and can't make the positive changes that he wants to make in his life.
Do not kick him out! People with depression need positive influences and a strong support system in their lives. If you really want to help your friend, you'll be there for him and not abandon him when he needs you most.
Best of luck to you,
Mrs W
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
I have to respectfully disagree with Mrs. W.
Justin, you are *not* responsible for setting a new diet / exercise / moderation-based program for your nephew. Suggesting that you can pull your nephew out of his depression / addiction is *not your job*.
I know we're not supposed to be using caps since it comes across as yelling. Imagine that I am yelling this. *You are not abandoning him if you decide to kick him out.* You are in charge of you. Your nephew is in charge of himself. You are not in charge of your nephew.
It hurts that sometimes those around us don't seem to be able to see what to us is a simple solution, but for the sake of your own sanity, you are not responsible for his physical/mental/emotional health, nor should you try to save him. You will not succeed.
Those of us who have left someone we love because of their addictions did not make the decision easily or flippantly. We stayed because we loved them. We did not want to abandon them. And by doing that, we continued in our own illness.
I repeat: saving your nephew is not your job. You can still love him and tell him that he can't live with you. Put your own air mask on first. Read Co-Dependent No More. Keep posting here. Go to Al-Anon. Work on your OWN diet and exercise program if you so choose. But please please please do not decide that you need to monitor what your nephew eats, drinks, or does. You will end up disappointed and frustrated. Because that is not your job.
Justin, you are *not* responsible for setting a new diet / exercise / moderation-based program for your nephew. Suggesting that you can pull your nephew out of his depression / addiction is *not your job*.
I know we're not supposed to be using caps since it comes across as yelling. Imagine that I am yelling this. *You are not abandoning him if you decide to kick him out.* You are in charge of you. Your nephew is in charge of himself. You are not in charge of your nephew.
It hurts that sometimes those around us don't seem to be able to see what to us is a simple solution, but for the sake of your own sanity, you are not responsible for his physical/mental/emotional health, nor should you try to save him. You will not succeed.
Those of us who have left someone we love because of their addictions did not make the decision easily or flippantly. We stayed because we loved them. We did not want to abandon them. And by doing that, we continued in our own illness.
I repeat: saving your nephew is not your job. You can still love him and tell him that he can't live with you. Put your own air mask on first. Read Co-Dependent No More. Keep posting here. Go to Al-Anon. Work on your OWN diet and exercise program if you so choose. But please please please do not decide that you need to monitor what your nephew eats, drinks, or does. You will end up disappointed and frustrated. Because that is not your job.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I second that. You laid down certain conditions to allowing him to stay with you, and he's violated those very reasonable boundaries. He wouldn't be living with you in the first place if not for his own actions.
You are NOT "kicking him when he's down"--you are simply enforcing your own boundaries and not allowing your kindness to be exploited by someone who refuses to respect those boundaries and your household.
You are NOT "kicking him when he's down"--you are simply enforcing your own boundaries and not allowing your kindness to be exploited by someone who refuses to respect those boundaries and your household.
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I am another one that will disagree, and I was the practicing drunk. keep me in your life and ill do my damdest to drag you down with me. I will use you for everything I can. I will make your life miserable.i will give you every excuse in the book, plus some, and blame you for the state of my life. I will do my damdest to make you feel guilty.
I will do my damdest to keep you my hostage.
because I am a selfish,selfcentered, egomanic
best move anyone that was around me when I was drinking was to toss me out of their lives.
they were only going to go down with me and it didn't matter who or what was said, I wasn't getting help until I wanted help.
until, then,stick around and you will know gloom, despair, and agony worse than you could ever imagine.
P.S.
depression is no excuse to allow someone to use others as a doormat
I will do my damdest to keep you my hostage.
because I am a selfish,selfcentered, egomanic
best move anyone that was around me when I was drinking was to toss me out of their lives.
they were only going to go down with me and it didn't matter who or what was said, I wasn't getting help until I wanted help.
until, then,stick around and you will know gloom, despair, and agony worse than you could ever imagine.
P.S.
depression is no excuse to allow someone to use others as a doormat
Originally Posted by MrsMiaW
Justin, I don't think you should kick him out. I've seen the other responses and I think they are coming from a different place. I used alcohol to treat my depression and anxiety in the same way, and I've seen how it can get away from you.
The thing with depression is that it goes up and down. You can't tell him to stop drinking when he's down or he will just move in with someone else, and being that he is now more down because you threw him out, he'll end up drinking more or becoming more self destructive. You need to catch him when he's up rather than down.
Speaking from experience, when the cloud of depression lifts slightly, you have an opportunity to make positive changes in your life. If you kick him when he's down, it will just prolong the downward spiral.
You should try to get him to do positive things and show him that you are reliable and dependable and he is in a stable environment. Sometimes, just eating healthy and getting some good rest for a day or 2 is enough to lift the cloud of depression enough to make you want to make another healthy step.
For example, find a new workout and diet regimen that is healthy, and try to get him to do it with you. Set a start date with a diet menu and daily workout that starts slow and picks up. Let him have 2 glasses of white wine per day as part of the diet, but if he drinks the wine, he needs to do extra exercises, for example. After a couple of days, he should feel more healthy and like life looking more in his favor, and he should start to want to drink less and feel better.
The only catch is, if he is physically addicted to alcohol, he may experience withdrawal symptoms, and he'll want to go off of the diet, but that could also be a wake up call for him, if he realizes that he is addicted and can't make the positive changes that he wants to make in his life.
Do not kick him out! People with depression need positive influences and a strong support system in their lives. If you really want to help your friend, you'll be there for him and not abandon him when he needs you most.
Best of luck to you,
Mrs W
The thing with depression is that it goes up and down. You can't tell him to stop drinking when he's down or he will just move in with someone else, and being that he is now more down because you threw him out, he'll end up drinking more or becoming more self destructive. You need to catch him when he's up rather than down.
Speaking from experience, when the cloud of depression lifts slightly, you have an opportunity to make positive changes in your life. If you kick him when he's down, it will just prolong the downward spiral.
You should try to get him to do positive things and show him that you are reliable and dependable and he is in a stable environment. Sometimes, just eating healthy and getting some good rest for a day or 2 is enough to lift the cloud of depression enough to make you want to make another healthy step.
For example, find a new workout and diet regimen that is healthy, and try to get him to do it with you. Set a start date with a diet menu and daily workout that starts slow and picks up. Let him have 2 glasses of white wine per day as part of the diet, but if he drinks the wine, he needs to do extra exercises, for example. After a couple of days, he should feel more healthy and like life looking more in his favor, and he should start to want to drink less and feel better.
The only catch is, if he is physically addicted to alcohol, he may experience withdrawal symptoms, and he'll want to go off of the diet, but that could also be a wake up call for him, if he realizes that he is addicted and can't make the positive changes that he wants to make in his life.
Do not kick him out! People with depression need positive influences and a strong support system in their lives. If you really want to help your friend, you'll be there for him and not abandon him when he needs you most.
Best of luck to you,
Mrs W
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 7
Update
Hey all thanks for the replies. So an update. First on myself, you are all very right this has been very draining emotionally. I am emotionally drained enough that I have completely disconnected and have no issue with making him move out. Unfortunately the next part will make you face palm yourselves and scream at the screen I believe. We had a few more blowouts since the last post but he wanted a sit down and talk. He came home from work and immediately apologized for saying things he felt was out of line. He admitted he had a problem, agreed to stop drinking completely instead of the sometimes rule, and said he would continue going to see his counselor who he was seeing on his own accord anyways. He never begged or threatened anything, never raised his voice or defended anything, all he asked was that I reconsider my decision. So I did. Honestly I don't think he'll last through the month because aside from maybe some regret, he didn't seem very emotional but I hope I'm wrong. Is this all very familiar to you or unique?
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