Vent about minor things
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Vent about minor things
I should start by saying that I'm aware that others have it much worse than me, and that I'm in pretty good shape overall. But for some reason things tonight have made me feel very sorry for myself.
I have a kid with alcoholic ex. She spent a few days at his house earlier this week. When she came to my house, she left behind a crucial piece of equipment for an activity she's doing this weekend. Kid realized she had left her item behind and texted her father to ask him to drop it off at my workplace, which is about ten minutes from his house (this was fine by me). No response. That was two days ago. I texted him this morning to ask him to drop the item off before I left work today, or to suggest another arrangement for getting it to Kid. No response. I say to Kid, "okay, let's think of Plan B to replace this item that you need in case we don't hear from your father before the event". Kid is unhappy but quiet. She texts her father one more time before she goes to sleep.
Five minutes ago, I hear from ex. He was very busy with important meetings all day (and the preceding two days). I know this is not true because a) he's off work on disability because of his addiction; b) he was in some sort of drunken stupor earlier in the day and was texting people about how his second ex-wife (the one who came after me) is trying to cause a car accident to injure or kill him. (Word of this gets back to me via ex-wife #2, with whom I am sort of friends. She is understandably kind of flustered and upset). (BTW I am quite sure she is not trying to kill him).
Ex says he will drop off the item tomorrow, he'll contact me in the morning and give me a time when I should be there to receive it. I know that the odds of the item making it to my place before the activity for which it is needed are slim-to-none because ex keeps alcoholic vampire hours and sleeps all day, when he's not drunk-texting.
This is a minor, trivial example of how even the smallest things become big Things with alcoholic ex (he's done plenty of things which are far worse). A normal person would have gotten a text from his kid saying "Dad, I forgot this item, can you drop it off at Mom's work before the weekend?" and would have responded "Okay". And he would have done so, and that would have been the end of it. But this goes on and on, and I know will continue to go on and on tomorrow because Kid will be anxious and wondering whether Dad is going to come through, until he doesn't. I have learned (with help from Al-Anon) that there is zero I can do about this, and so we have a Plan B lined up because Dad is not reliable.
But I'm thinking - I have years and years of this crap to look forward to until Kid is an adult and I can get away from him for good. I've given up hope that he's ever going to get better. And this is a very minor example - he's done plenty of things which are worse.
But for some reason, this one just exhausted me. How much energy have I wasted on dealing with this stuff, being both the safety net and the buffer for Kid when he lets Kid down or forgets about her or otherwise screws up? (And I waste less now than I used to, because I've stopped arguing with him, complaining at him, or interacting in any way beyond what is absolutely necessary).
The irony is that I think he really loves Kid and she really loves him, which is a good thing. He is at his best when she's around - fun, spontaneous, generous. But she (like everyone else) is less important to him than drinking, pretending he's not drinking, and his own fantasy-world dramas, which currently revolve mainly around ex-wife #2 and her diabolical plans rather than me (which sucks for her, but means fewer insane emails/texts/calls/threats for me).
I feel really bad for Kid. I feel bad for me. I am learning detachment thanks to Al-Anon and other resources, but I'm not that great at it yet. Mainly I just feel tired of dealing with this nonsense, and feeling like it will never end until he implodes, dies, or is permanently incapacitated, which may not be that far off. Perhaps this is because when he's causing a capital-C Crisis, there's a surge of adrenaline on my part that helps get through it, but the steady drip-drip-drip of these minor things slowly wears me down.
If you've read this far, thanks!
I have a kid with alcoholic ex. She spent a few days at his house earlier this week. When she came to my house, she left behind a crucial piece of equipment for an activity she's doing this weekend. Kid realized she had left her item behind and texted her father to ask him to drop it off at my workplace, which is about ten minutes from his house (this was fine by me). No response. That was two days ago. I texted him this morning to ask him to drop the item off before I left work today, or to suggest another arrangement for getting it to Kid. No response. I say to Kid, "okay, let's think of Plan B to replace this item that you need in case we don't hear from your father before the event". Kid is unhappy but quiet. She texts her father one more time before she goes to sleep.
Five minutes ago, I hear from ex. He was very busy with important meetings all day (and the preceding two days). I know this is not true because a) he's off work on disability because of his addiction; b) he was in some sort of drunken stupor earlier in the day and was texting people about how his second ex-wife (the one who came after me) is trying to cause a car accident to injure or kill him. (Word of this gets back to me via ex-wife #2, with whom I am sort of friends. She is understandably kind of flustered and upset). (BTW I am quite sure she is not trying to kill him).
Ex says he will drop off the item tomorrow, he'll contact me in the morning and give me a time when I should be there to receive it. I know that the odds of the item making it to my place before the activity for which it is needed are slim-to-none because ex keeps alcoholic vampire hours and sleeps all day, when he's not drunk-texting.
This is a minor, trivial example of how even the smallest things become big Things with alcoholic ex (he's done plenty of things which are far worse). A normal person would have gotten a text from his kid saying "Dad, I forgot this item, can you drop it off at Mom's work before the weekend?" and would have responded "Okay". And he would have done so, and that would have been the end of it. But this goes on and on, and I know will continue to go on and on tomorrow because Kid will be anxious and wondering whether Dad is going to come through, until he doesn't. I have learned (with help from Al-Anon) that there is zero I can do about this, and so we have a Plan B lined up because Dad is not reliable.
But I'm thinking - I have years and years of this crap to look forward to until Kid is an adult and I can get away from him for good. I've given up hope that he's ever going to get better. And this is a very minor example - he's done plenty of things which are worse.
But for some reason, this one just exhausted me. How much energy have I wasted on dealing with this stuff, being both the safety net and the buffer for Kid when he lets Kid down or forgets about her or otherwise screws up? (And I waste less now than I used to, because I've stopped arguing with him, complaining at him, or interacting in any way beyond what is absolutely necessary).
The irony is that I think he really loves Kid and she really loves him, which is a good thing. He is at his best when she's around - fun, spontaneous, generous. But she (like everyone else) is less important to him than drinking, pretending he's not drinking, and his own fantasy-world dramas, which currently revolve mainly around ex-wife #2 and her diabolical plans rather than me (which sucks for her, but means fewer insane emails/texts/calls/threats for me).
I feel really bad for Kid. I feel bad for me. I am learning detachment thanks to Al-Anon and other resources, but I'm not that great at it yet. Mainly I just feel tired of dealing with this nonsense, and feeling like it will never end until he implodes, dies, or is permanently incapacitated, which may not be that far off. Perhaps this is because when he's causing a capital-C Crisis, there's a surge of adrenaline on my part that helps get through it, but the steady drip-drip-drip of these minor things slowly wears me down.
If you've read this far, thanks!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Yeah Sasha, a drunk with his lying drama - exhausting isn't it? The only thing I can offer is expect NOTHING from him. Like picturing a duck quacking, think of him as a deaf, mute, invalid with a brain disorder (sad, isn't it since you just KNOW he's a capable person) and it's up to you to get said item or just do Plan B. Sorry you have to chase after him for something as simple as that. Maddening!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S,
I am so sorry. Reading your story brought back so many reminders of what life was like with axh. Everything was always turned around, and all about them. It's painful for me to read because I feel your pain.
You are doing a good job taking care of your daughter, with plan B. Expect nothing, so when he throws you a bone, you are grateful. Hang in there my friend, keep venting, so you don't go crazy.
I am so sorry. Reading your story brought back so many reminders of what life was like with axh. Everything was always turned around, and all about them. It's painful for me to read because I feel your pain.
You are doing a good job taking care of your daughter, with plan B. Expect nothing, so when he throws you a bone, you are grateful. Hang in there my friend, keep venting, so you don't go crazy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I know, Sasha! My alcohol dependent sib cannot do the smallest thing. Everything is huge deal.
He needed new jeans. Forget about getting to Wal-mart. Too too hard.
Could have walked a half mile to the local church thrift store.
Here's the conversation:
Him: I don't know if it's open. Can't remember if it's open Wednesday and Saturday, or Thursday and Friday.
Me: it's open. I just drove by. It's open.
Him: i think it's Wednesday and Thursday. No, wait.
Me: it's open now.
Him: Huh. I just can't remember when it's open.
Me: IT'S OPEN NOW. GO TODAY!
Him: Maybe I'll go tomorrow. I think it's open tomorrow.
I can't even.
He needed new jeans. Forget about getting to Wal-mart. Too too hard.
Could have walked a half mile to the local church thrift store.
Here's the conversation:
Him: I don't know if it's open. Can't remember if it's open Wednesday and Saturday, or Thursday and Friday.
Me: it's open. I just drove by. It's open.
Him: i think it's Wednesday and Thursday. No, wait.
Me: it's open now.
Him: Huh. I just can't remember when it's open.
Me: IT'S OPEN NOW. GO TODAY!
Him: Maybe I'll go tomorrow. I think it's open tomorrow.
I can't even.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Thank you Sasha, We become so independent that we develop resentments to their lack of ability. STBXH has a cold. He's like you could have brought me a bowl of soup. UGH, When I am sick I not only have to make my own chicken soup but have to get the bowl myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you kind of have two things going on here.....kids are notorious for forgetting stuff, especially if they shuffle between households. it's what THEY DO! so the first thing is to use these as a teachable moment and help/encourage the child to be more organized and thoughtful about their stuff. and good luck with that!! LOL
then there's butthead bozo ex. if you go into this ASSUMING he's going to drop the ball, you can come up with different solutions. that might be making sure that important stuff NOT go to his house when possible. or having a back up set of: cleats, shin guards, tennis racket, calculator, sunscreen. do your best to take HIM out of the equation. plan around his inability to do the right thing. or respond in a timely manner. or take time out of what seems a very "busy" schedule (not working, drinking) to do something parental for his child.
it sucx to have to do all this. but you will be teaching your child how to manage and adapt!
then there's butthead bozo ex. if you go into this ASSUMING he's going to drop the ball, you can come up with different solutions. that might be making sure that important stuff NOT go to his house when possible. or having a back up set of: cleats, shin guards, tennis racket, calculator, sunscreen. do your best to take HIM out of the equation. plan around his inability to do the right thing. or respond in a timely manner. or take time out of what seems a very "busy" schedule (not working, drinking) to do something parental for his child.
it sucx to have to do all this. but you will be teaching your child how to manage and adapt!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Am all for two sets of as much as possible. That way it's not a biggie if things get left. I know the frustration of trying to get in contact with an incommunicardo exah. It's very wearing. Like Refiner said expect nothing. I have the mind set my exah is an incompetent child. I know he cannot act like an adult and never will. Even sober he is stuck at 13 years old. My sons are 18 now and the frustration is diminishing somewhat as they make their own arrangements to see him ( or not in the case of one) but I still have to deal with him at times.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Thanks all! Not to keep you in suspense - ex did show up, at the last possible minute (literally) before we had to leave for the activity, with part of the equipment Kid needed. Fortunately we had a Plan B for the missing part. So, saved by the bell (this time).
You're right about just assuming that ex will screw up and planning around it. This is what I generally do. However, because ex really wants to be an "involved parent" (which is generally good), but drops the ball constantly on any of the minor tasks associated with actual parenting (as distinct from buying Kid tons of crap she doesn't need or want), I can't cut him out of the equation altogether.
And the excuses! I sent in the field trip consent form but the school lost it. I called to make an appointment but it went to voice mail and they never got back to me. My email was hacked so I didn't get the message about practice being cancelled. I didn't pick up Kid from her friend's house because my allergy medicine made me sleepy. I didn't show up for Kid's event until it was almost over because "they changed the time and ended early".
I've tried imagining him as a 13-year-old, but unfortunately we assume that 13-year-olds will eventually change and get smart, with a dose of parental input. This dude is never going to change.
The main way I avoid getting too bent out of shape about these minor incidents is to think of him as someone with alcohol-induced brain damage, who is not cognitively capable of grasping the idea that he has a responsibility or an obligation. And as Kid gets older, she'll be able to work around it more. It's just that last night was one of those last-straw moments.
You're right about just assuming that ex will screw up and planning around it. This is what I generally do. However, because ex really wants to be an "involved parent" (which is generally good), but drops the ball constantly on any of the minor tasks associated with actual parenting (as distinct from buying Kid tons of crap she doesn't need or want), I can't cut him out of the equation altogether.
And the excuses! I sent in the field trip consent form but the school lost it. I called to make an appointment but it went to voice mail and they never got back to me. My email was hacked so I didn't get the message about practice being cancelled. I didn't pick up Kid from her friend's house because my allergy medicine made me sleepy. I didn't show up for Kid's event until it was almost over because "they changed the time and ended early".
I've tried imagining him as a 13-year-old, but unfortunately we assume that 13-year-olds will eventually change and get smart, with a dose of parental input. This dude is never going to change.
The main way I avoid getting too bent out of shape about these minor incidents is to think of him as someone with alcohol-induced brain damage, who is not cognitively capable of grasping the idea that he has a responsibility or an obligation. And as Kid gets older, she'll be able to work around it more. It's just that last night was one of those last-straw moments.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 397
My son is only 2, and I already expect nothing out of his father. I dread what the future holds after reading your vent. I'm going to spend my life as angry as I am now. My ex is about 15 years old, defiant, unruly, rude, a jerk, an alcoholic, and an opiate addict. And sometimes they live a long, long time.
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