KM0816

So, here's the backstory: had a miscarriage and emergency appendectomy a month apart. Was a traumatic time. This was only 3 months ago. After I'd recovered physically, I picked up the alcohol bottle again.
Recently, I had some food digestion issues so I went to see the doctors today, this morning. I told the doc about the alcohol, among the long list of other things and worries I had. He of course suggested I need better ways of coping with stress, need to schedule less things so I have more time to rest. Prescription for something for the stomach. Blood work done. I will find out the results of my full blood work screen in a couple days. I am just hoping my levels - especially liver - are all ok. Other doc suggested I may end up needing another surgery, too soon to tell. May need more tests. Hooray.

So, after all of this today, I'm sitting at home by myself, a few hours to kill. And all I can think about is drinking. WTF? I KNOW that it will probably hurt my stomach. I KNOW that I can't even physically tolerate it right now. I KNOW that I am trying to work through recovery and change the addictive behavior. I KNOW that my AV is screaming at me right now. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW. But a huge part of me does not give a ****. At all. I just want to say **** it.
If I had to analyze it, I guess I'd say its because I am scared. I'm scared because the beginning of the year opened with me almost dying. LITERALLY. Life slapped me upside the head. Death too. I lost a baby before that.
All of that happened AFTER I spent months of 2016 really getting healthy - working out, eating well, drinking very little. I lost 20 lbs in 2016 and was healthy. So, why did I lose my baby? Why did I have appendicitis, in my 30s? Why am I still having trouble now?
Why, WHY, WHY?! I'm ******* pissed off y'all. To be quite ******* honest.

I am not ok. I want to be ok, but i am not. And, i know that i have to just take one step at a time. I have to take one day, one minute, one hour at a time. I have to write in here. I have to journal. I have to work out. I have to get some ******* fresh air.
BUT, have you ever been in a head space where the things like nice weather, that are supposed to make you happy, make you ******* pissed as hell? It's because I feel like I should be in sorrow and grief, and life has the nerve to just go on around me like everything is peachy.

Ok, rant over. Feel free to try to calm me down. I'm sure I'll calm down soon. Just really worked up right now and needed someone to vent to. Sorry. Hope y'all are having an easier day than I am!!!

Anna

I'm very sorry that you lost your baby, and that was followed by other health issues. You have more tests and waiting for results, which makes a stressful time.
You had expectations that once you were sober and living a healthy lifestyle, everything would be fine. It would be great if it worked that way, but often, it doesn't. Life is life and things happen. It sounds like you know what are the right things to do, but at the moment, the motivation is lacking. That's okay. Just take it easy for the moment, rest, relax and recuperate a bit. Tomorrow will be better.

Pianoman61

I am a man in my 50's. I am not even going to pretend that I know what you are going through or even have a clue how to "calm you down".

I can tell you from my life that bad things happen, one of them bad things hit me 17yrs ago and here I am now, I wish I would of had the courage to reach out for help as soon as you had. Don't be me.

You wrote a lot of I KNOW's in your post. I will add mine:

I KNOW you will heal from this and I KNOW, you know alcohol never helps.

DontRemember

My AV has been whispering to me today as well. "You have court coming up for your DUI..You've completed everything required but, you're still stressed about it...have a few drinks!" That's how messed up the AV is...wants me to drink to stress, related to a drinking episode. I'm ignoring and heading to a meeting.

StartAnew68

So sorry that I can not say anymore than hang on there as we care.

Nobody can relate to all your specific circumstances but I can relate to some (too raw to say which).

Please, just accept love and hugs from us who care x

PhoenixJ

KM- you are grieving. A soul that was connected to you. The health matters- I will leave to the experts. What I can tell from recent experience with my own grief- is (because I use drink therapy) is I felt so much worse. Have you seen a counsellor about this? Also your own experience in nearly dying- once again that was me...there is a level of grief there too- or at least a different way od seeing things- I was very afraid.
Booze does not help. You need to process your emotions to be able to at least begin to heal. None of that 'move on' crap. My ex had a m-c early on- and we grieved. You know- open wounds heal to scars.
Get some support- keep posting. Empathy and support tto you and your family. PJ

kenton

I'm so sorry KM - you've gone through loads in a short period of time, both emotionally and physically. You have every right to feel as you do. You're a human who is going through a tough time. I totally understand your frustration; life just isn't fair at times. What's important is what you do now and writing all your feelings down is a fantastic place to start.

My brother had his appendix removed last year. He's in his 30s too. He didn't have all the additional stress you are dealing with and I remember that he felt quite down for a little while after the op. Your body has gone through a lot. Be kind to yourself, you are incredibly strong. Sending lots of positive vibes your way