steve-in-kville

I was an alcoholic for many years. I am a few months sober. I obviously hurt a lot of people around me, my wife especially. And obviously she has lots of reason to distrust me.... I deserve it.

Besides time, is there anything I can do (as an addict in recovery) to assure her I am not secretly drinking anymore? I discovered she is still a bit suspicious and I want to assure her its over.

If a mod thinks this is the wrong forum, please move it or whatever.

I welcome any helpful feedback!

honeypig

Hi, Steve--I think that time and consistency are the 2 best ways to win your wife's trust back again, providing that she is indeed still willing to stay in the marriage. One of the things we say around here is "time takes time", and that simply means that some things, there is just no way to rush. Tend to your own recovery diligently and it will be visible on the outside too.

I hope she has her own form of support, such as Alanon or SR.

Sasha1972

I don't think there's any specific way you can reassure her that "it's over", because at a few months of sobriety, it's impossible for anyone to say for sure that it really is over, including you. You may feel like you've really changed, but as you say, your wife has good reasons not to trust you. I think you just have to keep on waiting for time to pass. Eventually it will become clear whether your sobriety is long term or short term, and your wife will have to decide what this means for her. You'll have to endure her suspicions patiently until then.

Maudcat

I think it just takes time, steve. Keep doing the next right thing.
Peace.

August252015

This seems to come up pretty often and the answers are the same....time and demonstrated sobriety. People- those closest to us and any others who knew the drinking us- will accept us now or not, as they can and want to, and in their own time.

steve-in-kville

PuzzledHeart

I would throw in stay transparent and honest. My sister and I barely speak to each other today - much of the damage happened not because of her drug use but because of her constant lying. Even the smallest white lies, even if it had nothing to do with her drug use, dug in deeply.

Stay the course.

Ladybird579

Yes the worse thing for me was my now exah lying to me about it. If you slip up admit it. Trust is everything. If she can trust you to be truthful to her it will go a long way to her trusting you again.

teatreeoil007

Be patient with her. Trust is only regained with time, consistency, diligence and continuing to make positive changes within yourself. You can do this!! [be patient with yourself too]

PhoenixJ

Action speaks more than 1000 words- keep on keeping on.

maia1234

Steve,
What are you doing to to protect your sobrety or what programs are you working?

Dee74

Are things any better than the last time you posted about this, Steve?

D

Bekindalways

This thread Steve started made me think; there just is no replacement for doing the right thing, being responsible and an adult day after day, week after week for years on end.

I always want to be the hero and do incredible acts to save someone or something but that is probably part of me that still hasn't matured . . . hmmm . . . I'm 54 . . . no time like the present to work on being an adult.

Hangnbyathread

You do what you say you will do.

You be where you say you will be.

You won't do anything that requires you to need to lie about it.

You stay away from any part of your old life that was a gateway to your drinking.

You show her everyday you wish to lead a clean life.

You show her and your kids if any, that they are the most important thing in thier lives.

You be what you know a good man and human being are.

And you do this everyday.

LexieCat

You've gotten some great feedback, here. When you've shown someone for years and years that you can't be trusted, you have to expect it's going to take more than a few months of reliability for that person to trust you. And "assurances" aren't gonna cut it.

Slipping back into old behaviors raises red flags. We also have a rule of thumb around here--see what happens when you tell the alcoholic "no." Does s/he act massively indignant and offended? Or do you get maybe a bit of disappointment but acceptance of your refusal?

Consistently reliable actions and words eventually add up.

Congrats on your sober time. I've got eight years, myself.

SparkleKitty

Congratulations on your sober time, Steve.

Westexy

Many congratulations on your sobriety Steve. I've followed some of your story on another board on this forum. I'm the wife (soon to be ex) of an alcoholic. We have been married for 20 years, together longer.

Lots of good advice above. Even though all of our stories are similar, every person, and where they are in their own recovery as the loved one of an alcoholic and/or co-dependent, is different. I am four months out from having left my husband. If he were to get sober, here's how he could earn my trust back (and I would want to live by the same rules):

1)No lies. About anything. At all. This doesn't mean no privacy, but no lies. If something is spoken, it needs to be true.
2)No secrets. Secrets are different than privacy and adults usually know the difference.
3)No excuses, just acceptance of responsibility when mistakes are made.
4)Lots of attention to his own program/recovery. I wouldn't need to hear a lot about it. I would just want to see it.
5)Being patient for a while with my questions and concerns, but also telling me if my questions negatively affect him and his recovery.
6)Respect always. Whether I make a mistake or he does. Address it with respect.
7)And yes, time.

Remember, you have as much control over her feelings about this as she has over your recovery. She will have to find her own way through this process. Love and peace to both of you. It's hard but I think worth it.

hopeful4

I will also say not to get upset with her when she needs your reassurance. Thing is, a couple months sober, while wonderful, (good for you, congratulations), does not negate all of what she has went through. She won't trust again for a long time. And that has to be A-OK.

Just that you are here, making your post, shows you care and are serious. Continue with that, offer her reassurance in whatever form she needs, in a loving way.

And... continue the good work!!!

soberandhonest

Hi Steve. I too was in your situation. 16 months of complete honesty with my significant other has greatly improved my relationship. It takes a long time, though, to rebuild that trust. I am very thankful that my spouse gave me the opportunity.

You have received really good advice above. I would, though add this: make it your goal to achieve a point in your sobriety that there is no action that anybody, even your spouse, can take that will lead you to surrender your sobriety. Even if the worst tragedy happens, you won't drink. Once your sobriety is not dependent on the actions of anyone else, you will be free. Until then, though, yes, brutal honesty with your significant other and time, lots of time, is required.

Nata1980

Congratulations of your sober time, Steve!

Concentrate on your recovery while not neglecting your family. Be reliable. Tell the truth. Actions not words - words are useless.

You can only control your side. It is not realistic to expect to gain trust in a few months of clean life - it may take as long of a time to gain trust back as it took to lose it.
My XAH is sober but struggles with "me not trusting him after he got his 1 year chip". It is just not realistic, and not a reflection on how successful his recovery is. It is me and my risk aversion.