AV doesn't want me writing today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Seymour, CT
Posts: 132
AV doesn't want me writing today.
I am feeling extremely confident in my ability to not drink. I need to keep my guard up. I feel like this "confidence" is my AV worming itself in.
Today is the start of my binge cycle. I start on Thursday, work on Friday, then drink Friday night, Saturday night and then am hung over on Sunday. If I'm not hungover on Sunday, then the day drinking starts around 11AM or so with mimosas and then it's white wine for the rest of the day until it's bed time pretty much.
I'm just.. not worried and it's scaring me because I'm pretty sure that voice will begin telling me I can moderate when I *know* that I can't. Time and time again it's proven. Drink, blackout, hangovers, vomiting, pooping the floor *while* vomiting and then trying to clean it up as quickly as possible so my BF doesn't see it. (TMI - I'm sure.. but writing helps me figure this out)
I need to put a plan in place for tomorrow. My BF will be out of the house and I'm just so nervous that something will happen. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I might drink something tomorrow. God.. All of these signs. Crystal clear signs of my drinking problem. Every Friday night I wait until 7:30PM when my BF leaves the house so I can just sit and drink. Instead of rinsing out beer bottles and leaving them in the dish drain, sometimes I would rinse them out and put them with the other cans we have to turn in, but I'll purposefully leave maybe two or even three on the counter, because then I won't really be lying, right? Sigh.
AV didn't want me to write here today, but I had to shut it up and come anyway. It's too important not to.
Thanks for listening, guys. I hope you're all doing well.
Today is the start of my binge cycle. I start on Thursday, work on Friday, then drink Friday night, Saturday night and then am hung over on Sunday. If I'm not hungover on Sunday, then the day drinking starts around 11AM or so with mimosas and then it's white wine for the rest of the day until it's bed time pretty much.
I'm just.. not worried and it's scaring me because I'm pretty sure that voice will begin telling me I can moderate when I *know* that I can't. Time and time again it's proven. Drink, blackout, hangovers, vomiting, pooping the floor *while* vomiting and then trying to clean it up as quickly as possible so my BF doesn't see it. (TMI - I'm sure.. but writing helps me figure this out)
I need to put a plan in place for tomorrow. My BF will be out of the house and I'm just so nervous that something will happen. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I might drink something tomorrow. God.. All of these signs. Crystal clear signs of my drinking problem. Every Friday night I wait until 7:30PM when my BF leaves the house so I can just sit and drink. Instead of rinsing out beer bottles and leaving them in the dish drain, sometimes I would rinse them out and put them with the other cans we have to turn in, but I'll purposefully leave maybe two or even three on the counter, because then I won't really be lying, right? Sigh.
AV didn't want me to write here today, but I had to shut it up and come anyway. It's too important not to.
Thanks for listening, guys. I hope you're all doing well.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Nikkabean326 
...I'm pretty sure that voice will begin telling me I can moderate when I *know* that I can't. .
The AV can taunt us, but the choice to drink is yours. Don't make it.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Get out of the house and keep moving. In the beginning, removing yourself from all of the external cues is a big help.
Make plans and keep them. Once you have this behind you you will know you CAN, and that will make it easier next weekend.
You can do this.
Make plans and keep them. Once you have this behind you you will know you CAN, and that will make it easier next weekend.
You can do this.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Glad you decided to write anyway - and i agree, your AV is already messing with you. You don't need to wait until tomorrow, you can start dealing with it right now actually. ( And if you didn't notice, you already started by coming here! )
Some things that helped me early on
1. Make a very regimented schedule for the days ahead. If you are an electronics-saavy person, use an outlook or google calendar. If not, grab a pen and paper. Fill up every hour you will be awake with something...can be anything literally - sleeping, cleaning the kitchen, reading a book, taking a shower, grocery shopping, bike ride, walk, ect...the list of possibilities is literally endless. Just make sure DRINKING is not listed anywhere!
Somewhere in that schedule add recovery specific activites at least once a day, more than once is better. By that I mean things like meetings, SR time, reading recovery literature time, speaking to a doctor/therpist time. You need to specifically remind yourself to do these things every single day.
Lastly -watch the big HALT signs ( Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired ) - each of those 4 can be gateways to drinking. Address them as necessary.
And lastly, don't forget SR is always here 24/7 - so you can come here whenever you want/need and get quick feedback & support.
Some things that helped me early on
1. Make a very regimented schedule for the days ahead. If you are an electronics-saavy person, use an outlook or google calendar. If not, grab a pen and paper. Fill up every hour you will be awake with something...can be anything literally - sleeping, cleaning the kitchen, reading a book, taking a shower, grocery shopping, bike ride, walk, ect...the list of possibilities is literally endless. Just make sure DRINKING is not listed anywhere!
Somewhere in that schedule add recovery specific activites at least once a day, more than once is better. By that I mean things like meetings, SR time, reading recovery literature time, speaking to a doctor/therpist time. You need to specifically remind yourself to do these things every single day.
Lastly -watch the big HALT signs ( Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired ) - each of those 4 can be gateways to drinking. Address them as necessary.
And lastly, don't forget SR is always here 24/7 - so you can come here whenever you want/need and get quick feedback & support.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
Once I started to recognize all the constant internal debate about drinking was a physiological symptom of being addicted to alcohol, I could almost enjoy the struggle against drinking.
When your addiction starts to, firstly, prompt you to drink, then, secondly, panics because it is being ignored, that's exactly what you want, right? Any anxiety around drinking is your addiction getting frightened.
Try to think of it as your addiction suffering not you. Frankly, (early on) the more it acts up the better --- it's a sign that you are getting better!
When your addiction starts to, firstly, prompt you to drink, then, secondly, panics because it is being ignored, that's exactly what you want, right? Any anxiety around drinking is your addiction getting frightened.
Try to think of it as your addiction suffering not you. Frankly, (early on) the more it acts up the better --- it's a sign that you are getting better!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Nikka, it sounds like you are prepared for this to be a difficult weekend and it's good that you are aware. You've gotten lots of good advice here, and I know you are focused and ready to get through the weekend sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,367
It's unfortunate that writing about 'the AV' (addictive voice) as some kind of separate entity make the concept easier to understand - but it also gives 'it' a coherence and sentience 'it' doesn't really have.
Our AV needs us to go to the liquor store, buy booze, come back home and drink it.
It we refuse to co-operate at any point of the process, the AV is thwarted - and there's not a thing 'it' can do about that.
It might throw a tantrum sure - but if you have toddler experience at all you know tantrums end and naughty little toddlers tire themselves out and sleep
You hold the reins here nikkibean - it's your day, not the AVs.
Our AV needs us to go to the liquor store, buy booze, come back home and drink it.
It we refuse to co-operate at any point of the process, the AV is thwarted - and there's not a thing 'it' can do about that.
It might throw a tantrum sure - but if you have toddler experience at all you know tantrums end and naughty little toddlers tire themselves out and sleep
You hold the reins here nikkibean - it's your day, not the AVs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
My drinking pattern was almost identical to yours. I am likely much older than you and I assure you it doesn't improve or get better. I believe you've posted that you've had some "incidents" while drinking. Just because you are a weekend warrior doesn't mean there isn't a problem (I'm sure you've already been told that).
Give sobriety an honest effort, I think you'll like what you get out of it.
Give sobriety an honest effort, I think you'll like what you get out of it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Go for a walk, see a movie, listen to music, go get an ice cream, take a bubble bath, clean out a closet, sleep, make a new recipe, take some pictures someplace pretty - I could go on and on, and I think there is a sticky "looking for things to do?" -
Pretty much anything beats blacking out and getting violently ill, doncha think?
Pretty much anything beats blacking out and getting violently ill, doncha think?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 611
The first weekend sober is daunting, for sure, but it will end. Which is kind of sad, because it's the freakin' weekend and it should be something to enjoy, not recover from!
When I started looking forward to the weekends again, I knew I was getting a handle on sobriety. It will get easier.
When I started looking forward to the weekends again, I knew I was getting a handle on sobriety. It will get easier.
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