Heartbroken and Concerned

Old 04-27-2017, 11:12 AM
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Heartbroken and Concerned

First time posting. I apologize in advance if this is lengthy. Just trying to recap my relationship.

It was a short relationship--only about 5 months but I knew him for longer as we worked together. When we first started dating I noticed he drank a lot but, as a fellow alcohol enjoyer I assumed it was just a social thing.

We became very close, very fast. We clicked. There was something about him that comforted me. We enjoyed each other's company, balanced each other out, and supported each other. He also has a 6 year old daughter who I got very close with.

As the months went on and I began spending more time at his house I began to notice alcohol was more of an issue than I thought. He was passing out on the couch and driving while intoxicated. He was able to go the week without drinking but on weekends once he started he couldn't stop. Eventually, he lost his job. I wrote him a very lengthy and tough-love letter regarding his drinking and his job. He made a few changes but they didn't stick.

Last weekend I spent the entire morning taking care of his daughter while he laid in bed hungover until noon. The following night I woke up to him passed out on the couch but this time he was unresponsive. I lifted his body up to give him a pillow and role him on his side. The next day I told him to tell me if he wasn't willing to change because if that was the case I was going to leave. He told me he didn't care enough about himself to change. So I packed my bags and left. He didn't say a word.

Three days later I went to his house and told him to tell me why he didn't try to fight for me--I needed the closure. Long story short he told me he would change, he didn't need help and that he would prove to me that he can change. I told him I didn't trust him and that he better not make a fool out of me. He promised, and told me he would prove to me that I am more important than alcohol.

Fast forward to this past Saturday. He went out with his friend and texted me saying he was doing well with moderation and was proud. I went to sleep and woke up at 3 to a voicemail saying he was locked up. Before I could figure out where he was, he walked in with a police officer. He had crashed his car and was arrested for a DUI. At three in the morning I left. He stood on the porch and I told him that it only took him five days to screw things up. He said he needed help. I told him to "***king get it".

He sent me a genuine apology text on Sunday. He is ashamed, feeling selfish, scared, lost. I know he is hurting and he told me he was getting help for himself and for his daughter, stating "is clear I can't control it". This is the first time he has admitted needing help.

So it seems straightforward. I know I made the right decision by leaving but I miss the hell out of him and wish I could be there to support him but realistically know that I can't take on that role. I want to make sure he's okay but I don't think texting is the right thing to do. I wish his family knew what was going on. I want to make sure he is safe. And then there is the part of me that dreams of him getting help, committing to recovery, and wanting me back. That's the heartbreak talking I'm sure.

I guess I'm just lost. I feel broken. I worry about him, sitting at home with no car and no job and no health insurance. I'm not even angry at him, I'm angry at the alcohol.
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Old 04-27-2017, 11:37 AM
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4 months after my boyfriend moved in, things of this nature began happening. He promised he'd change, stay sober... it lasted 2-4 weeks at most, and then another 3 day binder, 3 days of withdrawals, sometimes a busted face, sometimes blood, always hell.

They cannot get "better" without help bc they need to learn the science behind addiction and how their brain function is neurologically different. Their brain is wired to feed the addiction, and that is the priority,.. everything else comes second (if at all). It takes lots of self awareness, education on alcoholism, education on the brain of an addict, and a LOT OF WORK.

I broke up with my boyfriend to give him time to focus on himself so we could then focus on each other. A month and a half later, he decided he wasn't in love with me anymore, and is very happy working in the bar industry, and is still drinking. After everything I went through for him, I was left with nothing.

Never having been exposed to addiction prior, I didn't realize what I was getting myself into. Knowing what I know today, I would have seen the red flags for what they were on our 3rd date. And it became so much worse than I ever could have imagined.

You're seeking a normal response and behavior from someone with an abnormal brain. Alcoholics are delusional and irrational, and they make you feel like YOURE the crazy one, and end up making you more insane than you've ever been. Even if they become sober, there's always the chance they could relapse. I personally can't live that life. Some people can.

My pain is massive and feels debilitating at times. But my life is boring and eventless, and I have nothing throwing me into hysteria.

I worry about him all the time. But I have to accept that I have zero control over his alcoholism... and if he chooses to sabatoge his life, there's nothing I can do about it. Which is why I had to walk away. I couldn't watch the love of my life slowly kill himself. It was torture.
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Old 04-27-2017, 11:42 AM
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YG.....Welcome to the forum!
This is a great place for you to begin to learn about alcoholism and co-dependency and to get support for the effects that loving alcoholic can have on your life.
Most people don't know very much about alcoholism...even those who have lived with/in it their whole lives....
Check out the "stickies" at the top of the front page..above the threads....
Read the one called "Classic Readings"....there is a lot of material...lol...it would help to read a few articles each day....
I suggest that you begin with the one titled _"10 ways to know id your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".....that one is a good yardstick to measure where he is in term of seriousness about recovery....
Also....I suggest the articles on the way the alcoholic mind works...by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D......this website: Papers on Addiction and Recovery
You might benefit from the articles ...."The Alcoholic's dilemma "...."Addiction, Lies, and Relationships"....."excuse Alcoholics Make"....

This lets you knew what you are up against....

I think you did the right thing by leaving....
Do not allow your pity rescue him from the natural consequences of his drinking.....he needs to face it on his own....If you rescue him, that would be enabling him.....it would make you feel better, but, it would feed straight into his denial....and, that is not good, because he already has enough denial on his own.....Alcoholism is called the disease of denial....
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Old 04-27-2017, 11:48 AM
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Is his daughter's mother still involved with raising her? Because that child is at risk and that trumps everything.

Tell her mother. Tell his family. If something happens to that little girl, you would always regret it.

Then go no contact.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Old 04-27-2017, 12:02 PM
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Welcome to the site. You for sure did the right thing getting out while you're still fairly early in the relationship. You can do some reading here on the forum about people who stayed years, sometimes decades in these types of situations where nothing but hell came from it.
Addiction is a horrible thing that affects many great people, but unless they truly want to get clean and stay that way, there is nothing anyone can do about it.
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Old 04-27-2017, 03:07 PM
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Originally Posted by loveandmagic View Post
4 months after my boyfriend moved in, things of this nature began happening. He promised he'd change, stay sober... it lasted 2-4 weeks at most, and then another 3 day binder, 3 days of withdrawals, sometimes a busted face, sometimes blood, always hell.

They cannot get "better" without help bc they need to learn the science behind addiction and how their brain function is neurologically different. Their brain is wired to feed the addiction, and that is the priority,.. everything else comes second (if at all). It takes lots of self awareness, education on alcoholism, education on the brain of an addict, and a LOT OF WORK.

I broke up with my boyfriend to give him time to focus on himself so we could then focus on each other. A month and a half later, he decided he wasn't in love with me anymore, and is very happy working in the bar industry, and is still drinking. After everything I went through for him, I was left with nothing.

Never having been exposed to addiction prior, I didn't realize what I was getting myself into. Knowing what I know today, I would have seen the red flags for what they were on our 3rd date. And it became so much worse than I ever could have imagined.

You're seeking a normal response and behavior from someone with an abnormal brain. Alcoholics are delusional and irrational, and they make you feel like YOURE the crazy one, and end up making you more insane than you've ever been. Even if they become sober, there's always the chance they could relapse. I personally can't live that life. Some people can.

My pain is massive and feels debilitating at times. But my life is boring and eventless, and I have nothing throwing me into hysteria.

I worry about him all the time. But I have to accept that I have zero control over his alcoholism... and if he chooses to sabatoge his life, there's nothing I can do about it. Which is why I had to walk away. I couldn't watch the love of my life slowly kill himself. It was torture.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. The part that gets me is that he is a licenced chemical drug dependency specialist and a certified clinician. He knows all about this as helps others recover. I guess it's always harder to follow your own advice, but I hope he is able to. I feel like I will always love him. He wasn't mean when he was drunk. His friend actually put out perfectly (I reached out so someone would have an eye on him) that "he has his own demons he needs to face, and sometimes you just have to take it from the chin".
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Old 04-27-2017, 03:10 PM
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They share custody. I'm not sure how much the mother knows but at this point, with no car and potentially no license (I don't really know how DUIs work) I'm assuming his family has an idea. What tore my heart apart was when she looked at me and goes "daddy drinks too much beer". It's incredible what a six year old can pick up on...
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Old 04-27-2017, 03:12 PM
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Thank you dandylion ❤
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