loveandmagic

My car broke down this morning, so I text my ex to ask if I was on our AAA still (we broke up 3 months ago), and see said, "yeah you should be." I said "thanks, miss you." And he replied "take care."

I sat and stared at my phone and just started bawling my eyes out. And I just lost it and replied "I hate this every day. This is not how I saw us ending up. This is not what I've ever wanted. It's just so gross. This isn't us."

He replied "stop texting. Have a good day."

I don't even know what else I should logically expect, but it still hurts so much. I gave my heart and soul to that man, and I feel so... just emotionally disposed of. In his defense, he wants us to be friends and I said no, because that's not what we are, and I'm still in love with you, so don't call me anymore bc it's confusing for me.

I just... I hate my reality. I want my babe to not be an addict, and to remember all the good things, and to just let things be good again. Bc there was a point where we were so in love, so happy, excited about our future together, and this f*cking disease destroyed everything, and I'm so angry and so hurt and feel so helpless.

I'm sitting outside to mechanic sobbing, I wish I could make the pain and anxiety go away. If this is the way it has to be, I wish I never met him. I wish I could pay a witch doctor to erase him from my memory. I want to be happy again. And I'm just dying everyday. And I can't take it anymore. It's just so much.

SparkleKitty

I know it's difficult to believe this, but there will come a time when you will thank him for asking you to stop texting.

This is how we begin to accept what is real, vs. what we wish was real. And in accepting it, you will find your way to freedom from all of this pain.

firebolt

Aww hun, I know you aren't surprised....I promis, the pain ends faster if we stop reaching out to what hurt us in the first place. PLus your car breaking down adds an extra level of frustration and helplessness, I know.

Hang in there - you are grieving, be good to yourself!

LexieCat

AAA would have told you if you were still covered--there really wasn't any reason to text him.

Stop contacting him--this is how you are likely to feel each time you do. It won't get better until you start accepting that it's over.

loveandmagic

Yeah you're right. I guess I still have irrational hope 😢

HeartbrokenGuy

Hey LaM,

I'm sorry you got burned again. I think you said you went to a rock show. There is a rock song that has a line "it took the death of Hope to let you go"

I have listened to this song many times over the last week as part of my grieving process.

You have been very nice to me and I don't want to offend you so please know I mean this with the greatest empathy. It may be helpful for you to come to realize that you may not have wanted to break up. You wanted him to get better and be with you. Unfortunately he called your bluff and now you are left emotionally bankrupt and broken.

This may have been your HPs kindness. Not giving us what we want and ask for is sometimes exactly what we need and truly want deep down.

Keep moving forward. You are worth it.

loveandmagic

You're absolutely right, I didn't want to break up with him at all, and I told him that. I told him to focus on bettering himself and we can then focus on us... and I do feel completely bankrupt and broken.

I guess I'll just have to wait until I stop feeling miserable one day. And I should probably wash my dishes. And vacuum. And eat more pizza.

I truly think of you every day and the loss you and your girls are grieving. Hugs.

HeartbrokenGuy

Thank you LaM,

I feel very bad for you.

I've been looking at my situation as suffering from my own addiction, her and saving her.

As hard as my situation is. I feel like it may be easier in a sense that I have no choice but to go No Contact and quit my addiction "cold turkey". I can't find a reason to relapse and then justify it to myself.

Our grieving has gotten easier as we continue to operate in the new norm and adjust to life without her.

I am overwhelmed from time to time with my emotions. But each day gets a bit easier and even my self esteem is starting to return. I'm a pretty cool dude to be honest.

teatreeoil007

Right now you are suffering. This is hard. But, there is good that can come from this. We tend to 'evolve' via suffering. And while I am not a fan of NEEDLESS suffering and have often sought to ease the suffering of others....it still seems to be a necessary part of the human experience.

We are in some sort of way 'equipped' to deal with suffering, sorrow, and loss.

What you are going through now is by no means pleasant, but it is a necessary phase to resolve that part of your life you are now grieving.

The tendency is to avoid sorrow and suffering. Natural, human tendency. You are right on track in reaching out, expressing how you feel and connecting with others who have gone through the same things or are going through the same thing at this very moment.

Writers and artists are said to use suffering as fuel to generate their work. This suffering you are experiencing right now can in a sense be a springboard to carry you forth.

OT4Kids

I totally understand your pain. It is so hard and is truly a process to get over a break up. Try to take good care of yourself and keep reaching out for support.

loveandmagic

I really just need to post here when I feel the urge to contact him, that way I can maintain the few molecules of dignity that I remaining.

HeartbrokenGuy

It's not about your dignity. It's about understanding that if you do the same thing you get the same results. You are an intelligent woman. You want different outcomes so you have to do different things. Stop being so hard on yourself. Just learn that the stove is hot and you'll get burnt when you touch it

teatreeoil007

You still very much have your dignity intact, even if you feel shaky right now.

I sense you are kicking yourself and second-guessing yourself, thinking that you've made mistakes you cannot go back and correct.

Well, it wasn't a mistake to break it off with him, it really wasn't. That is something you seriously needed to do.

But we all make mistakes anyways, regardless. I've come learn that I can outgrow some of the mistakes I've made. Just another way of looking at it. And, I really try to not replace hope with regret.

FallenAngelina

Set up an agreement with a close friend that you will text her instead of him. Agree that for now, she will just be there to receive your texts and no commentary is necessary unless she has some good insight for you. Just having someone else to text your rambling thoughts to will help you unleash all that you have to say without taking you back into the situation with him. I have this mutual agreement with a friend and it's saved me from many a regretful text to "him."

Bekindalways

Great idea FallenAngelina.

LaM, you can use us the same way; if you want to contact him, post here first . . . this is probably what you are already doing.

Big hug to you!