The truth revealed, now I'm even angrier!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
The truth revealed, now I'm even angrier!
My second post is an update to my first. For years I have lived in anxiety not knowing what was going on with my AH and questioning my sanity and reality. Anyway 3 weeks ago after a full blown binge my AH admits all he has been drinking and the stealing he has done to get it (which was what I suspected, from our kids). Mind you this all comes approximately 2 weeks after I told him he absolutely needed to get out of the house. I want to feel elated and sympathetic but I am angry! First I feel as though I finally got the strength to stick to my bottom line and he pulls this. And all the years of stress and anxiety crossed through my head. All the times I wondered and I was right! All the times he threw smoke screens and gas lighted and made me doubt my own sanity. And now I feel guilty for not being completely elated. I'm quite the opposite actually. And I am still very doubtful. Although the last 3 weeks without him drinking has been nice. Things are so different! I sleep better at night not wondering if he's sneaking out of the bed to sneak out of the house. I don't worry about him forgetting to pick up the kids and them sleeping the whole time he is supposed to be with them. So many anxieties relieved! But the nagging feeling is still there. Just waiting for it to rain. He has been to a few AA meetings and really only because of my suggestion. I gave him 6 months to get it together or we will divorce. My questions: Will just being sober suffice? What if he doesn't get deep into AA? He had lied and snuck for years, when the 6 month mark approaches how will I know he is sober? What if I know he is sober but there has been no work done to chabge and maintain sobriety? Do I demand AA? He is white knuckling it right now. I feel like with the dramatic admission and bottom he claims he hit, that he would be all over AA. I feel cold thinking it was just a move to get me to stop nagging about separation.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm not quite sure why you are so angry to discover you've been right all along about what's going on. I mean, I understand why the SITUATION is upsetting, but not why an admission is worse than the truth you already knew about.
Regardless. As far as your questions about what the future will hold for him, it's anyone's guess. Some people DO get sober. Lying is instinctive with alcoholics, to protect their addiction. I never find that shocking.
You probably WON'T be able to tell with any certainty whether he's sober. If he does get sober, then over time you will notice many changes, not just an absence of drunkenness. If he continues to smoke weed, he isn't sober and is quite likely to return to drinking.
My own gut instinct is that if you are enjoying the peace that comes with not dealing with the chaos that comes with active alcoholism, you consider separating for a while. That will give you a chance to focus on your own recovery, while he decides what he's gonna do. And "insisting" on AA is never a good strategy. Some people get sober without it, some go to meetings and keep drinking. Either way, it's not your concern. YOUR concern should be having a safe, peaceful home for you and your kids.
Having divorced parents doesn't make a child a "statistic"--the child simply has parents who are no longer married. Society is very accepting and accommodating of divorce these days. Kids don't feel like the odd one out--actually, having parents who are still together makes kids in the minority in some places. What IS undeniably harmful, though, is growing up in a household with an actively alcoholic parent. THAT does lasting damage.
Regardless. As far as your questions about what the future will hold for him, it's anyone's guess. Some people DO get sober. Lying is instinctive with alcoholics, to protect their addiction. I never find that shocking.
You probably WON'T be able to tell with any certainty whether he's sober. If he does get sober, then over time you will notice many changes, not just an absence of drunkenness. If he continues to smoke weed, he isn't sober and is quite likely to return to drinking.
My own gut instinct is that if you are enjoying the peace that comes with not dealing with the chaos that comes with active alcoholism, you consider separating for a while. That will give you a chance to focus on your own recovery, while he decides what he's gonna do. And "insisting" on AA is never a good strategy. Some people get sober without it, some go to meetings and keep drinking. Either way, it's not your concern. YOUR concern should be having a safe, peaceful home for you and your kids.
Having divorced parents doesn't make a child a "statistic"--the child simply has parents who are no longer married. Society is very accepting and accommodating of divorce these days. Kids don't feel like the odd one out--actually, having parents who are still together makes kids in the minority in some places. What IS undeniably harmful, though, is growing up in a household with an actively alcoholic parent. THAT does lasting damage.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LoveHurt....don't you imagine that you feel angry because you know that relapse is very likely, sometime, in the near future? ..And feel like you are hanging in limbo...
If he has been to some AA meetings...then he knows (intellectually) that total abstainence and working a diligent program is necessary.
In my opinion, it is no use to nag him on that score...because the worst fear of any alcoholic is the thought of never drinking, again. It feels to them like telling them to live without oxygen. It feels like losing their best friend, and their deepest comfort. Most...even those who, eventually, get into genuine recovery, make many false starts, and relapses before they can finally realize that they are helpless over alcohol....Some only do it after having some painful losses...Only he will know what it takes for him to get to that point....
Regardless of what he does...it still comes down to the fact that you are the one who has to look out for your own happiness and survival, in this world.
My suggestion is that you begin to work on yourself...in earnest.
Educate yourself, thoroughly, on alcoholism and co-dependency.....
Get support for your own feelings and emotions and your own insight and self development...alanon and your own counselor is the basics for that...
Preparing for financial independence is essential....along with k nowing all of your legal rights in any eventuality....
We can fill in any details for how to accomplish all of the above......
If he has been to some AA meetings...then he knows (intellectually) that total abstainence and working a diligent program is necessary.
In my opinion, it is no use to nag him on that score...because the worst fear of any alcoholic is the thought of never drinking, again. It feels to them like telling them to live without oxygen. It feels like losing their best friend, and their deepest comfort. Most...even those who, eventually, get into genuine recovery, make many false starts, and relapses before they can finally realize that they are helpless over alcohol....Some only do it after having some painful losses...Only he will know what it takes for him to get to that point....
Regardless of what he does...it still comes down to the fact that you are the one who has to look out for your own happiness and survival, in this world.
My suggestion is that you begin to work on yourself...in earnest.
Educate yourself, thoroughly, on alcoholism and co-dependency.....
Get support for your own feelings and emotions and your own insight and self development...alanon and your own counselor is the basics for that...
Preparing for financial independence is essential....along with k nowing all of your legal rights in any eventuality....
We can fill in any details for how to accomplish all of the above......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I'm not quite sure why you are so angry to discover you've been right all along about what's going on. I mean, I understand why the SITUATION is upsetting, but not why an admission is worse than the truth you already knew about.
Regardless. As far as your questions about what the future will hold for him, it's anyone's guess. Some people DO get sober. Lying is instinctive with alcoholics, to protect their addiction. I never find that shocking.
You probably WON'T be able to tell with any certainty whether he's sober. If he does get sober, then over time you will notice many changes, not just an absence of drunkenness. If he continues to smoke weed, he isn't sober and is quite likely to return to drinking.
My own gut instinct is that if you are enjoying the peace that comes with not dealing with the chaos that comes with active alcoholism, you consider separating for a while. That will give you a chance to focus on your own recovery, while he decides what he's gonna do. And "insisting" on AA is never a good strategy. Some people get sober without it, some go to meetings and keep drinking. Either way, it's not your concern. YOUR concern should be having a safe, peaceful home for you and your kids.
Having divorced parents doesn't make a child a "statistic"--the child simply has parents who are no longer married. Society is very accepting and accommodating of divorce these days. Kids don't feel like the odd one out--actually, having parents who are still together makes kids in the minority in some places. What IS undeniably harmful, though, is growing up in a household with an actively alcoholic parent. THAT does lasting damage.
Regardless. As far as your questions about what the future will hold for him, it's anyone's guess. Some people DO get sober. Lying is instinctive with alcoholics, to protect their addiction. I never find that shocking.
You probably WON'T be able to tell with any certainty whether he's sober. If he does get sober, then over time you will notice many changes, not just an absence of drunkenness. If he continues to smoke weed, he isn't sober and is quite likely to return to drinking.
My own gut instinct is that if you are enjoying the peace that comes with not dealing with the chaos that comes with active alcoholism, you consider separating for a while. That will give you a chance to focus on your own recovery, while he decides what he's gonna do. And "insisting" on AA is never a good strategy. Some people get sober without it, some go to meetings and keep drinking. Either way, it's not your concern. YOUR concern should be having a safe, peaceful home for you and your kids.
Having divorced parents doesn't make a child a "statistic"--the child simply has parents who are no longer married. Society is very accepting and accommodating of divorce these days. Kids don't feel like the odd one out--actually, having parents who are still together makes kids in the minority in some places. What IS undeniably harmful, though, is growing up in a household with an actively alcoholic parent. THAT does lasting damage.
Thanks Lexi! I'm mad because I have felt like a top spinning out of control for years and I got the sense from this admission that I was supposed to give him a good ole "attaboy"! There was some obvious relief that it is all out in the open bit it just brought on a whole bunch of emotions. I realized very quickly why there was a 12 step for alcoholics AND their families!
And by the way, he's not even smoking weed. Everything was a smoke screen!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by dandylion
LoveHurt....don't you imagine that you feel angry because you know that relapse is very likely, sometime, in the near future? ..And feel like you are hanging in limbo...
If he has been to some AA meetings...then he knows (intellectually) that total abstainence and working a diligent program is necessary.
In my opinion, it is no use to nag him on that score...because the worst fear of any alcoholic is the thought of never drinking, again. It feels to them like telling them to live without oxygen. It feels like losing their best friend, and their deepest comfort. Most...even those who, eventually, get into genuine recovery, make many false starts, and relapses before they can finally realize that they are helpless over alcohol....Some only do it after having some painful losses...Only he will know what it takes for him to get to that point....
Regardless of what he does...it still comes down to the fact that you are the one who has to look out for your own happiness and survival, in this world.
My suggestion is that you begin to work on yourself...in earnest.
Educate yourself, thoroughly, on alcoholism and co-dependency.....
Get support for your own feelings and emotions and your own insight and self development...alanon and your own counselor is the basics for that...
Preparing for financial independence is essential....along with k nowing all of your legal rights in any eventuality....
We can fill in any details for how to accomplish all of the above......
If he has been to some AA meetings...then he knows (intellectually) that total abstainence and working a diligent program is necessary.
In my opinion, it is no use to nag him on that score...because the worst fear of any alcoholic is the thought of never drinking, again. It feels to them like telling them to live without oxygen. It feels like losing their best friend, and their deepest comfort. Most...even those who, eventually, get into genuine recovery, make many false starts, and relapses before they can finally realize that they are helpless over alcohol....Some only do it after having some painful losses...Only he will know what it takes for him to get to that point....
Regardless of what he does...it still comes down to the fact that you are the one who has to look out for your own happiness and survival, in this world.
My suggestion is that you begin to work on yourself...in earnest.
Educate yourself, thoroughly, on alcoholism and co-dependency.....
Get support for your own feelings and emotions and your own insight and self development...alanon and your own counselor is the basics for that...
Preparing for financial independence is essential....along with k nowing all of your legal rights in any eventuality....
We can fill in any details for how to accomplish all of the above......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,298
This has to be his recovery......or you are the one white-knuckling it. Hoping, but not trusting. Wishing, but not receiving what you desire. This his addiction, do what is right for your health, sanity, and your kids. This is his story.....choosing addiction....losing sanity, life, family, and relationships. He has to find his bottom. That isn't possible if you hold him up. It only wears you out.
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