BLUEYEZ424

I am new to this so bear with me. My fiance is 12 days sober after a frightening health scare. His liver was at 50% and pancreas was shutting down. It was a stop drinking or die scenario. Driving him to the hospital was one of the scariest things I have ever seen. I know he is going through tremendous changes mind, body and spirit. What I am struggling with are the changes I am going through. It seems as though I am supposed to be like everything is normal and I am not dealing with anything. I am a bottler of feelings until I can't bottle anymore and then I have a meltdown. This has happened twice in the last 12 days. I am used to a relationship where there is tons of hugs, kisses, and closeness. That is not there right now. I know that he loves me and that hasn't changed but there are those needs of closeness that I can't seem to shake since they are gone. As he put it he doesn't love himself right now so how can he love anything else. His senses are coming back and things are feeling so different that getting used to his own body is almost too much. I do understand these things as I was a pain pill addict many years ago and I remember how things were after that. I try to talk to him about how I feel and it instantly comes out as I am making it about myself. I just am not sure how I am supposed to act or feel at this point in time. I do have some feelings too and I am lost. Any experience shared would be helpful.

Thank you!

HeartbrokenGuy

Welcome blue

I have been where you are now. I remember feeling scared and confused.

There are many here who have lots of experience and can share their hope with you.

I just wanted to welcome you to the group as I am very new myself

Bekindalways

Welcome Blueyez, you certainly found the right place.

What you are describing is very typical for those of us in a relationship with an addict. We will support you as much as possible and you might also look into an Alanon group too.

Big hug. You are hoeing a tough row these days!

HeartbrokenGuy

Have you heard of Al Anon before?

BLUEYEZ424

Thank you. So it is normal to feel like I am an outsider looking in? To feel sick to my stomach and feel like I am not good enough? The crazy things my head keeps creating. I just don't want to make recovery harder for him since I know it is hard enough.

abbccj03

You have found a great place to share your feelings and seek support. While many stories are different- they are also much alike. We all love an addict. It is lonely. It is confusing. It is heartbreaking.

BLUEYEZ424

I used to go to Al Anon when I was dating an alcoholic a few years ago. I was told I needed to go for that and because of my co-dependent behavior with my parents by my psychiatrist.
Part of the problem is my fiance doesn't seem to want me to go anywhere or be with others. I have two friends of his who their spouses got sober and I have been reaching out to them for help also. I know if I said I was going to Al Anon it would probably create an argument.

SparkleKitty

Addiction is a very selfish condition. Recovery can be even more so, because he's fighting for his life right now. It really, really, really isn't about you. It can't be, not right now.

Twelve days is still very, very early. Letting him do what he needs to do would be a very loving thing right now, but as with anything, there is no guarantee of what the future will hold for you.

In the meantime, can you get to an Al-Anon meeting? You will find tremendous support and understanding there and at times like this, real world, face to face support would be invaluable.

HeartbrokenGuy

I felt everything you are feeling. I also had lots of other feelings including but not limited to fear, anxiety, anger, rejection, etc.

It is typical for someone in your shoes to feel as you do.

If you haven't heard of Al-anon, that is a support group for families and friends of people struggling with alcohol. It isn't about changing them but helping you focus on you.

If you are a person who likes to learn by reading there is a book that I've found helpful as well

SparkleKitty

Sorry, we were posting at the same time.

Now is the time for you to do what you need to do for YOU, regardless of whether he will like it or not. It is very manipulative for him to try to control where and how you spend your time, but you don't have to give him that power. If he gets to be selfish in recovery, so do you.

And I don't use that word lightly. You need recovery from codependency just as much as he needs it from alcoholism.

HeartbrokenGuy

I felt like you feel. Especially early. The only thing I can tell you is that you are important too. You deserve to get help for yourself. My fiancé was very upset at first about my attendance but it wasn't for or about her. It was for and about me.

I had to finally get over my fear of having an argument and focus on my need to get help for myself.

I hope this makes sense

BLUEYEZ424

Thank you so much! You are right. I just don't want anymore confrontation or arguments. That is why I try to keep all my stuff to myself. I have been reading a lot and working on myself but I still feel the need to talk to people.

honeypig

And that is what Alanon will help you with. Some other folks have posted here about their first meeting, and how they were a little let down b/c there isn't out-and-out discussion of individual problems at the meetings; it's more of a general sharing on a topic or step.

However, there are many ways to get that one-on-one talk--go to the meeting early and help set up, stay afterwards to help put things away. Contact people from the phone list you will most likely receive and ask them to join you for coffee or a walk, or ask if anyone is interested in going for coffee before or after the meeting. Or learn about getting involved w/a sponsor and working the steps, and do that.

I'm glad you do realize that you need help too. As others have said, this isn't really any of his business--it's YOUR recovery. He has his hands full w/his OWN stuff and should let you do whatever YOU need to do.

HeartbrokenGuy

I understand wanting to avoid arguments. The truth in my situation was we argued anyway. Especially when I felt completely bottled up because it had to get out.

Al anon can give you an outlet to talk with others

There is also a 12 step organization called CoDA which helps those suffering from codependency.

I have found them and books on codependency very helpful

LexieCat

Then TALK to people. The thing about Al-Anon is that your confidentiality is respected. These aren't people who know him and might talk about him to others. Al-Anon is for YOU, and if you simply take the position that you are taking care of yourself, regardless of what he wants, he will either adjust or not. If not, well, you will have some decisions to make. Because it is absolutely unacceptable for one partner to refuse to allow the other to get the help s/he needs.

BTW, welcome. I have been in your shoes--liver/kidney shut down, coma, told he would need a definite liver transplant. Sadly, he ultimately went back to drinking and I had to leave for my own sanity.

Hopefully he responds to this dramatic wakeup call be doing everything he can to recover. If not, again, you will have to make some decisions. Whatever he chooses to do/not do, you're going to be much, much better off if you are in Al-Anon recovery, yourself.

AnvilheadII

Part of the problem is my fiance doesn't seem to want me to go anywhere or be with others. I have two friends of his who their spouses got sober and I have been reaching out to them for help also. I know if I said I was going to Al Anon it would probably create an argument.

not sure the guy who almost killed himself with alcohol has a lot of room to be giving orders???

you have been thru a heck of a scare. and you deserve some time away and a chance to talk to others. i also recommend alanon - a safe anonymous place for YOU.