AH vs Sweet Work Opportunity
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
AH vs Sweet Work Opportunity
So my work is offering me the chance to move internationally for a 2-3 years. This is a pretty sweet deal and would normally be pretty awesome. Unfortunately I am also the one that is currently one month into a living separation with AH. My husband is the intermittent drinker. Like he is good for a month or longer and then bam, wasted drunk making terrible decisions.
Part of me feels like this is an opportunity to really shake us up. Get us out of our routine. Have some cool experiences, build a new life for a while essentially. It could be our last shot at making things work.
On the other hand, I'm feeling like that is a really really bad idea to trust that AH could handle a move like that. I fear the potential consequences of how I would handle it by myself in a new country if AH kept up his drinking.
It just makes me really sad to pass up an opportunity that would be so potentially cool because my life sucks right now. And I think of the potential benefits above.
As a side note, not huge but something I am thinking about. In my one month away from AH, I have been hanging out with single work friends more. Nothing significant, just feels like a breath of fresh air given everything I had been dealing with related to AH. At this point it makes me sad to think about losing that. On the other hand, maybe I should be running for the hills from this single crowd as it really isn't probably helping me focus on my relationship with AH. Though AH is pretty toxic seeming so maybe I shouldn't be focused on him anyways.
See how confused I am guys?! Thoughts???
Part of me feels like this is an opportunity to really shake us up. Get us out of our routine. Have some cool experiences, build a new life for a while essentially. It could be our last shot at making things work.
On the other hand, I'm feeling like that is a really really bad idea to trust that AH could handle a move like that. I fear the potential consequences of how I would handle it by myself in a new country if AH kept up his drinking.
It just makes me really sad to pass up an opportunity that would be so potentially cool because my life sucks right now. And I think of the potential benefits above.
As a side note, not huge but something I am thinking about. In my one month away from AH, I have been hanging out with single work friends more. Nothing significant, just feels like a breath of fresh air given everything I had been dealing with related to AH. At this point it makes me sad to think about losing that. On the other hand, maybe I should be running for the hills from this single crowd as it really isn't probably helping me focus on my relationship with AH. Though AH is pretty toxic seeming so maybe I shouldn't be focused on him anyways.
See how confused I am guys?! Thoughts???
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
IMO - but point of separation from AH for me was just that - a breath of fresh air. I do have a child so I was adding more responsibilities to my plate - still breath of fresh air that was
I am happily divorced these days.
Living separation - do you mean you live apart? To me separation always meant time to work on yourself rather than relationship.
If he is actively drinking - there is no working on relationship. In fact no decent marriage counselor will work with the couple in active addiction.
Have you considered moving for work on your own? I definitely would not take an active alcoholic along - it is a sure way to talk your whole foreign service assignment experience.
Good luck with everything
I am happily divorced these days. Living separation - do you mean you live apart? To me separation always meant time to work on yourself rather than relationship.
If he is actively drinking - there is no working on relationship. In fact no decent marriage counselor will work with the couple in active addiction.
Have you considered moving for work on your own? I definitely would not take an active alcoholic along - it is a sure way to talk your whole foreign service assignment experience.
Good luck with everything
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
That is a dilemma. If there weren't children involved, I'd say take it and run, leaving him far behind, but given what any custody situation is likely to be...
I would not take him with you, though. Maybe have a heart to heart with management and point out that your kids are really young and you are separated, so this is not the right time but you'd like to be considered again at some point?
If you go as a couple it has disaster potential, yes? He's bored, he's away from home, he can blame you...I could be totally wrong but it looks like a recipe more for a worse problem than any kind of improvement?
I would not take him with you, though. Maybe have a heart to heart with management and point out that your kids are really young and you are separated, so this is not the right time but you'd like to be considered again at some point?
If you go as a couple it has disaster potential, yes? He's bored, he's away from home, he can blame you...I could be totally wrong but it looks like a recipe more for a worse problem than any kind of improvement?
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Sorry, should clarify!! I have two kiddos in the picture. I feel like he either goes or I can't go.
Though he seems very open to going. When I ask him what happens if he drinks and he seems open to leaving and just visiting. Like he thinks it will work out and that won't happen so low risk.
I don't know what actively drinking means. He last drank in Jan in which he drank and drove and tried to pick up the kids. He went on antibuse shortly after and has been on it since. However I also don't feel like he has done a lot else. Occasional meetings, reading a book, that's about it.
Though he seems very open to going. When I ask him what happens if he drinks and he seems open to leaving and just visiting. Like he thinks it will work out and that won't happen so low risk.
I don't know what actively drinking means. He last drank in Jan in which he drank and drove and tried to pick up the kids. He went on antibuse shortly after and has been on it since. However I also don't feel like he has done a lot else. Occasional meetings, reading a book, that's about it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The last thing I'd want to do is to be stuck with two kids and an alcoholic husband in a foreign country. It sounds like an exciting--and demanding--opportunity, but holy crap. Timing is everything. Unless you could figure out a way to take the kids and leave him at home, I'd pass. Too risky.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
He's bored, he's away from home, he can blame you...I could be totally wrong but it looks like a recipe more for a worse problem than any kind of improvement?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by batchel9
So my work is offering me the chance to move internationally for a 2-3 years. This is a pretty sweet deal and would normally be pretty awesome. Unfortunately I am also the one that is currently one month into a living separation with AH. My husband is the intermittent drinker. Like he is good for a month or longer and then bam, wasted drunk making terrible decisions.
Part of me feels like this is an opportunity to really shake us up. Get us out of our routine. Have some cool experiences, build a new life for a while essentially. It could be our last shot at making things work.
On the other hand, I'm feeling like that is a really really bad idea to trust that AH could handle a move like that. I fear the potential consequences of how I would handle it by myself in a new country if AH kept up his drinking.
It just makes me really sad to pass up an opportunity that would be so potentially cool because my life sucks right now. And I think of the potential benefits above.
As a side note, not huge but something I am thinking about. In my one month away from AH, I have been hanging out with single work friends more. Nothing significant, just feels like a breath of fresh air given everything I had been dealing with related to AH. At this point it makes me sad to think about losing that. On the other hand, maybe I should be running for the hills from this single crowd as it really isn't probably helping me focus on my relationship with AH. Though AH is pretty toxic seeming so maybe I shouldn't be focused on him anyways.
See how confused I am guys?! Thoughts???
Part of me feels like this is an opportunity to really shake us up. Get us out of our routine. Have some cool experiences, build a new life for a while essentially. It could be our last shot at making things work.
On the other hand, I'm feeling like that is a really really bad idea to trust that AH could handle a move like that. I fear the potential consequences of how I would handle it by myself in a new country if AH kept up his drinking.
It just makes me really sad to pass up an opportunity that would be so potentially cool because my life sucks right now. And I think of the potential benefits above.
As a side note, not huge but something I am thinking about. In my one month away from AH, I have been hanging out with single work friends more. Nothing significant, just feels like a breath of fresh air given everything I had been dealing with related to AH. At this point it makes me sad to think about losing that. On the other hand, maybe I should be running for the hills from this single crowd as it really isn't probably helping me focus on my relationship with AH. Though AH is pretty toxic seeming so maybe I shouldn't be focused on him anyways.
See how confused I am guys?! Thoughts???
The first response that comes to my mind is this... Try to think of yourself 10 yrs from now. If AH wasn't able to get sober, and you'd passed up this opportunity, how will you feel?
IMO-Such a change for your AH right now might be too much for him. If he's wobbly in his current environment, totally uprooting his life might just push him over the edge.
Again, find a great addiction therapist and go together. I realize that some here have had bad experiences but every therapist is different. Some counselors do not have specific education in addiction...I know because I've been to them before. They were not helpful at all. I have only been to 2 sessions with our current therapist and I see a major difference from the others I've seen. Think about it.
Big hugs!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: SaiGon, Vietnam
Posts: 62
My experience
I came abroad with my daughter and then-sober husband in July 2015. Just over a year later after a couple of mild relapses, he began drinking heavily in secret, walked out and is now back in his home country.
How do I feel? well, apart from the trauma of our 11year relationship ending so abruptly and the loss of hope of a better future together - we had plans to move on again to another country after this contract - I feel happy to be far away from him and me and my daughter have set up a new life together. We moved apartments to 'our' place, traveled, made new friends....I know I have to face the problems that await me back home - but I am less tempted to get in touch with him and no worries about bumping into him.
And my daughter is blossoming.
I came abroad with my daughter and then-sober husband in July 2015. Just over a year later after a couple of mild relapses, he began drinking heavily in secret, walked out and is now back in his home country.
How do I feel? well, apart from the trauma of our 11year relationship ending so abruptly and the loss of hope of a better future together - we had plans to move on again to another country after this contract - I feel happy to be far away from him and me and my daughter have set up a new life together. We moved apartments to 'our' place, traveled, made new friends....I know I have to face the problems that await me back home - but I am less tempted to get in touch with him and no worries about bumping into him.
And my daughter is blossoming.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
MY RAH and I moved every 3 years with two kids in tow for about 15 years. IMO - If your AH wants to drink he's gonna do it and will use anything he can to justify it. He could start drinking because you are working extra hours stateside, stress or on a whim. I think the thing you have to look at it 10/10/10 - 10 weeks from now will you regret it, 10 months, 10 years? What does that look like drinking and not drinking? If you are in a foreign country and he's drinking all you have really changed is location and possibly a support system for yourself, if you can put that inplace for you and your kids before you go then all your changing is location and is location and familiarity something you're willing to risk for an opportunity for yourself? My 2 cents - Best of Luck
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would say it depends on your own resolve.
I personally would do it. I would also have a signed contract between you that a counselor draws up stating that if he chooses to drink, he has to leave, and the kids stay with you there. You also have to look at the finances of that, what happens if he has to leave? Does he have access to funds to do so, etc.
You don't seem like some wilted flower, however, being in a foreign country without a support system if he does relapse, what does that look like for you emotionally? Can you handle that? Will you fall apart? If so, don't go, you and your kids will need face to face support.
These are all things to ask yourself, and a good counselor to help you decide.
Hugs.
I personally would do it. I would also have a signed contract between you that a counselor draws up stating that if he chooses to drink, he has to leave, and the kids stay with you there. You also have to look at the finances of that, what happens if he has to leave? Does he have access to funds to do so, etc.
You don't seem like some wilted flower, however, being in a foreign country without a support system if he does relapse, what does that look like for you emotionally? Can you handle that? Will you fall apart? If so, don't go, you and your kids will need face to face support.
These are all things to ask yourself, and a good counselor to help you decide.
Hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I would also have a signed contract between you that a counselor draws up stating that if he chooses to drink, he has to leave, and the kids stay with you there. You also have to look at the finances of that, what happens if he has to leave? Does he have access to funds to do so, etc.
When my first husband was only 18 months sober, we moved across the country from Colorado to New Jersey so I could attend law school. We'd been married for six months. He was in AA and doing well. If I'd known then what I know now, I don't think I'd have put him in that situation. He was responsible for supporting us that whole time (I did have a student loan that helped somewhat with living expenses). We knew NO ONE in the area. He had to find a job, we had to find an apartment, and he had to stay sober. Thankfully, he jumped right into local AA here--the guy who later became his sponsor helped us lug our stuff up to our second-floor apartment (stairs, in August, with no air conditioning).
To his everlasting credit, my ex did EVERYTHING possible to fulfill his obligations and to maintain his sobriety. And he did--he got a stable (not very high-paying) job in a matter of weeks with a large company that he stayed with for many years until his department branched off into his own company, with which he stayed until he retired--with ever-increasing pay and responsibilities.
Now that I've been through the process of getting sober, myself, though, I now truly appreciate what a sacrifice and risk that posed for his sobriety. It very easily could have gone the other way. Which still would have ultimately been on him, but I'm not sure I would have asked him to do it. Very, very challenging circumstances for someone with only 18 months' sobriety.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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So many variables at play here!
Without knowing which country or which TYPE of country it's hard to advise. ( Not asking you to tell us I understand the safety of anonymity) Is it a country where resources would be readily available should you (or he) need them in the event you can't live together? Do you speak the language fluently? Are women's rights respected?
It would be hard to give up a once in a life time opportunity... is this a one time thing or will you get this chance again?
Are the kids at an age that they would enjoy the move, or at least be indifferent rather than surly they've been uprooted?
I can see why your head is spinning with all the aspects of this decision!
All I can really say for sure is, if your husband is going to drink he is going to drink. Doesn't matter where in the world he is located. What you do or do not do.. what you decide about this relocation one way or another, isn't going to change that. If you go and he stays, same thing. Nothing you say, nothing you do, nothing you feel is going to keep him from drinking if that's what he chooses to do.
I think you have to decide deep in your heart what is right for YOU and your kids regarding the move and then leave his sobriety to him no matter where on the globe he is.
Wishing you luck and peace while you figure this one out!
Without knowing which country or which TYPE of country it's hard to advise. ( Not asking you to tell us I understand the safety of anonymity) Is it a country where resources would be readily available should you (or he) need them in the event you can't live together? Do you speak the language fluently? Are women's rights respected?
It would be hard to give up a once in a life time opportunity... is this a one time thing or will you get this chance again?
Are the kids at an age that they would enjoy the move, or at least be indifferent rather than surly they've been uprooted?
I can see why your head is spinning with all the aspects of this decision!
All I can really say for sure is, if your husband is going to drink he is going to drink. Doesn't matter where in the world he is located. What you do or do not do.. what you decide about this relocation one way or another, isn't going to change that. If you go and he stays, same thing. Nothing you say, nothing you do, nothing you feel is going to keep him from drinking if that's what he chooses to do.
I think you have to decide deep in your heart what is right for YOU and your kids regarding the move and then leave his sobriety to him no matter where on the globe he is.
Wishing you luck and peace while you figure this one out!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
no way in hell would i travel to a foreign country with an unstable alcoholic husband. i WOULD strongly consider taking myself and the kids tho.
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