Mystikaldawn

As the title states, I'm new to this and am terrified. For a while now I've been thinking of what life was like before I started drinking and I want to go back to that way.

I should say a little bit about myself first. I am 28 years old, have been drinking for about 9 years now. From Canada, never drank underage or in high school. After high school I went to study Automotive Technology and am currently a journeyman mechanic.

Having said that, for some reason the last few months I keep having thoughts and visions of what it used to be like to wake up early on a nice summers morning and not be groggy, have blurred vision, feel the need to hiss at light bulbs or the sun and feel like I'm 3 feet thick, but instead feel wide awake, aware and crisp. (if that makes any sense at all) And to be able to enjoy the evenings without a bottle of rum and perhaps be out by a fire, relaxing, looking up at the stars (with clear vision for a change so I actually see them). I have an old car that needs work as well so a nice warm evening to spend some time in the garage doing some work on that in the fresh air is very appealing to me as well.

I have realized I am starting to forget what it's like to drive at night in the evenings now because I'm usually too intoxicated to drive. Which is sad. I know people have to grow up eventually but I feel as if I went backwards after college. I feel as if I was a responsible high school student and after college I started to drink and threw my better judgement out the window when in fact the opposite should be the case.

If anyone can relate to any of this I would love to hear from you!

Thanks!

zerothehero

Welcome, and I can totally relate. It sounds like you basically know what you want. It wasn't an easy transition, but I'm over three years sober now, mornings are my favorite time of day, I can go out and see a band and drive home afterward with no concerns, and I feel much better all around. Of course, I'm much older. You can switch gears before beating yourself up for decades like I did. Your older self will thank you.

MrMcTell

Congratulations on making a decision to tackle your problem. It took me a lot to finally sign up and post at SR. Early recovery can be terrifying as you say. But there really is nothing to fear. Life is really much better sober.

I would also like to congratulate you on making this decision in your twenties. Like so many other people here, I knew I was an alcoholic or the alcoholic-type a long time before I finally came to a point where I was ready to quit. The damage done and the shear waste in the decade or so after I knew I would have to quit is very depressing to me.

Don't be like me. If booze isn't doing it for you anymore, quit now. It really is a progressive illness so taking action earlier is so much smarter. I haven't seen anyone here who wishes they had kept drinking longer.

Lots of people with more experience will no doubt be able to give you lots of practical advice, but for me the most helpful thing at the beginning was understanding the idea of the Addictive Voice/ AV. Basically, you have to recognize that any thoughts of drinking are originating from your addiction (not you). When you know this, it is much easier to dismiss these thoughts, rather than getting into a struggle with yourself about drinking or not drinking.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, Mystikaldawn.

Waking up hangover-free is the gift of sobriety that keeps on giving and giving and giving. It never gets old - it's magical.

Hope you decide to give it a try.

Again, welcome; so glad that you are here.

SoberLeigh

We are here for you 24/7/365!

Hevyn

Welcome, Mystikal - we're so glad you joined us. Everyone here can relate & understands what you're going through.

I knew at 28 that I was dependent on alcohol. I did nothing about it, but kept trying to use willpower to control it. I ruined so much of my life - I'm happy you aren't going to let that happen.

least

Welcome to the family MD. Since I got sober, my life has gotten better by far. I love waking up feeling good.

I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

resolute50

Welcome to SR.
Are you Terrified at continuing the way you are?
Or the thought of sobriety?
Have you tried to stop,or have you?

I only ask because I'm not sure where you are in your sobriety.

Mystikaldawn

Thank you all for the quick inspiring comments. I never thought about looking at an urge to drink as a voice in my head but it makes a lot of sense! I'm only 18.5 hours sober at this point so I haven't come very far...yet!

However I did make a goal for myself to go 3 days a couple of weeks ago with no alcohol and I did it just fine for the most part. Minus the severe lack of sleep during the night. It was almost as if I would lie down in bed and my brain would say *whoa whoa whoa, what are you doing? your not ready for bed yet you haven't had anything to drink!* I didn't really have an "urge" to drink (no mood swings ect.) which makes me question if I actually am "addicted" or if it is simply a "bad habit" that I can easily overcome. Either way it needs to stop regardless.

Mystikaldawn

Sorry, I'm terrified of both to be honest. I have tried but it was only for a few days. They were good days so that helps that at least for the first few days I will know what I am up against.

Thanks

resolute50

Thanks,

It helps us to know where you are on this journey.
You've made a wonderful decision to get out of that losing game before it takes it's toll. It's all a win/win from now on.
Do you have a plan to start and maintain sobriety?
This site is a wonderful start.
Knowledge is one of the keys to success.

Horn95

MD,

You sound wise beyond your years. It also sounds like alcohol has not wrought the havoc in your life as it has for so many of ours. Quit now. Life is better without alcohol. Stop now before it ruins everything.

Mystikaldawn

As far as a plan goes, I guess I haven't put much thought into that yet. But perhaps I should, I know it's soon going to be time to tend to the garden and plant my vegetables so that will eat up a lot of time in the evenings. I guess the best plan I have right now is take it one day at a time and see what happens and be careful of what I do or who I spend time with. I know it's important to get out and keep myself busy so I am going to be trying that. But I can see myself spend a lot of time on here to be honest.

Tertor

Hi Mystikldawn. I think you sound like a very smart, mature 28 year old. I am a much older person who regrets the decades I wasted drinking. You are blessed to have come to this decision so soon in your life. And your wonderful future lies open to you if continue to beat the drink. You can do it!

Mystikaldawn

Thanks, I'm almost 24 hours in. It's almost 1am here now and I'm not even tired, I think I can kiss much if any sleep goodbye for tonight.

SimplyFree

Glad you are here. You've come to the right place to deal with this thief. Driving at night and looking at the stars are awesome! Well worth getting sober. Not to mention working on an old car. I'm just finishing a 1970 GTO. Then I'm going to see about an old '66 Nova. Nice to have another mechanical person around. Welcome!

Mystikaldawn

Oh wow that's cool! Mine is a 1985 Trans Am. In the process of rebuilding the engine right now. So time away from the alcohol would be better for me and the car to be honest!

As a matter of fact when I first came here and debated signing up, your thread was the first one I read!

SteveAlex

Welcome. I think you know what you need to do

Berrybean

Yes, I remember that. Terrified that if things carried on I'd be stuck with the drinking me (who I'd come to despise) for the rest of my life, and that if I stopped, what would my no-drink life look like. What would I DO? Who would I even BE? I'd been a heavy drinker from my teens to my early 40s so adult life without drinking seemed a mystery to me. And it was hard at first. I needed to make some sober and in-recovery friends. People who could understand this crazy recovery journey I was on.i joined AA and the experience, strength and hope I got from other alcoholics who had changed their lives around and learned to really LIVE sober inspired me and gave me different ways to do things and to think about things. My thinking was (shockingly to me, as I've always thought myself a pretty smart cookie) extremely immature. I still thought like a selfish and silly 16 year old. I suppose once I started drinking to avoid dealing with stuff I also stopped emotionally progressing in some ways. So, the last three years has involved a lot of learning and growing. This place has helped massively.

Anyway. Glad you found us. Keep reading and posting. And don't take the first drink - that's the one that does the damage. The one that leads to the second, third, and fourth and so on. The one that weakens our resolve and feeds that addictive voice. Expect that voice to start kicking up a stink in your head in the next while. We can't shut the little beasts up, but we sure as hell don't have to take notice of or act on their lies. Gradually as we starve our AV and there's more time between the present and our last drink it will become quieter and quieter til instead of an incessant chatter it's just an occasional whisper (although it's easy to trip over those little whispers as well, so we still need to watch out for them). If you're not sure if it's a rational thought or your AV the test question is, 'is it telling me that I should take a drink (of whatever quantity )?' If the answer is yes, then that's your AV and you can safely ignore that thought.

Try to avoid the HALT triggers as well. Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired are some of the most common things that sabotage the quality of our sobriety, so it's worth planning things into our day that will keep these things at bay.

All the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

PhoenixJ

Yes I connect. Use your awareness NOW to change. Read, share- go to meetings- get counselling. PLAN what to do to stop boozing. Support to you.