LaceyDallas

I'm new to no contact. At first I didn't like it, but now I am getting used to it. It has been two weeks.

NOTHING WORKS when you're dealing with a person like my mom. Set boundaries. That's a joke. Don't call when she's using. Well, the only time she's not drinking is when she's at work, and she's not really allowed to talk on the phone there. I believe her to be suffering from some sort of untreated mental illness(es) as well as alcoholism. The rules the nice little therapist tells you to try go right out the window when dealing with someone like my mother. I don't know what else to do besides not talking to her.

The thing is, she crossed a line. I know, I know, this woman has been crossing societal lines since she came into the world in 1949, but this was just too much. Apparently, since my father died in 2014, she has decided she hates him, and is trying to convince us that she's secretly hated him all along. This is so absurd I can't even deal with it on any level.

So, one random day, we are on the phone and she's engaging in the usual self-sympathy talk (I have nothing to live for, my life is over, etc- feels GREAT to hear when she has you and your sister and four grandchildren who, somehow, still love her). I've just had it with this sort of thing. I can't deal with this anymore since my 23 year old friend had to undergo a double lung transplant in December (her second) and now needs new kidneys. And my other friend died suddenly of a massive heart attack last summer at 50. Life is so short, and here is someone who has a pretty good life, wasting it on a beautiful day nonetheless. So I mentioned that, unlike my father at the end, she can still walk, eat, move around, live at home, etc... Her response was, "Everything that happened to him, he deserved."

That was crossing the line. I'm no stranger to death, but watching my father die attached to machines, bloated, with tubes coming out of every part of his body (when she was nowhere to be found, of course) was the most horrific thing I've ever had to do. How dare ANYONE say that ANYBODY deserves such a thing? You have to be a pretty horrible human being.

I just think that's the problem here- she is just not a nice person. I'm not talking about alcoholic selfishness here- I think she's really messed up. She has jumped on the "let's hate everyone and bomb everyone" bandwagon of modern politics, and I hate listening to the tirades about it since I completely disagree- and this comprises about 50% of our conversations anymore. This is a 180 from who she once was, but part of me thinks that maybe she really was this person all along...

Anyway, I'm not sure where I am going with this, I just wanted to open up the dialog and start a conversation with other people who understand. It's just me and my sister. We don't have any other family anymore on either side that's close. Both of us have had the litany of MH issues- eating disorders, depression anxiety, my sister is bipolar and I am in recovery from alcoholism myself (binge drinking). I attend AA. Part of me wants to go to Al Anon, but it would take away from my AA time, and there's no meetings in my area. I don't know if I feel like driving for something that I don't feel is MY problem, if that makes sense. Anyway, thanks for listening.

VigilanceNow

Hi Lacey, this sounds like a lot to deal with. I didn't have alcoholic immediate family members, but I have many friends who do - it seems that alanon is very helpful for them. Alcoholics (as you know) don't deal very well with anything as long as they've been using. I know it helped my friend to remember that her mother is human, and flawed like all of us are

I'm terribly sorry to hear what you went through with your dad. I know how hard that is. I had a friend in a similar situation... Her mother decided she hated him at the end and acted generally insane. People deal with grief in really odd ways sometimes... :-(

ajarlson

Sorry to hear about your situation. I went NC with my mom, therapist told me to set boundaries so we went over there I set my boundaries and she turned away from me as if I didn't even exist. And of course she called a few more times still, begging me to come over because she was desperate. I blocked her number at that point. It was sad. But I was able to get stronger and eventually had plans to re-engage and stand strong in my boundaries and perhaps have a relationship with her again. But I couldn't have achieved that strength without the distance. Good luck.

DesertEyes

Boundaries are not for your mom, they're for you. Boundaries determine what actions you are going to take to protect yourself from her behavior. They're not supposed to create any kind of change on her part.

What I did with the no contact thing is put a limit on what I would tolerate. When my mom called me drunk I would simply hang up. When she called me un-drunk I would set a time limit on how long I would pretend to listen to her complaining and whining. I started at an hour, then after a few months 45 mins, then 30. Then I would come up with some excuse; the landord is knocking on my door, the dog is peeing in the house plant, whatever, and then hang up.

My dad was the offensive one. Saying insulting, horrible things just like your mom said about the passing of your father. I did the same with thing, slowly cut back his "supply" of time with me.

It doesn't matter why. This person is a drain in your life and that is all that matters. Just because you share some DNA does not mean you have to share anything else. In ACoA we make a big distinction between "Family of Origin", those with whom random chance gave us a share of DNA, and "Family of Choice", which are those people who have earned our trust.

Technically speaking I share DNA with worms, monkeys and cockroaches, that doesn't mean I have to put up with them in my life.

Welcome to our corner of recovery, that's what this forum is for.

No worries. Al-anon is just one of many sources of support. In addition, each al-anon meeting has it's own flavor depending on who is in attendance. Some of them focus on ACoA issues, but those are few and hard to find.

Mike

LaceyDallas

Boundaries: I guess what I mean is, people will say set rules like, we won't discuss politics or my dad. Well, when I'm telling her the rules she will start yelling and telling me it's PC and she will say whatever she wants and that's what is wrong with the world, and if I don't like it I don't have to talk to her.

Then if I don't tell her and just set the boundary, if I suddenly try to get off the phone with her in the middle of something, she will get mad and start a fight.

Maudcat

Hi, Lacey. Stay strong. Think about what you will tolerate and what you can't, then act accordingly.
when she tells you that she can say whatever she wants and if you don't like it you don't have to talk to her, take her up on it.
Don't talk to her. If you are in her presence, leave.
Don't do this if she is at your place, of course. Could be tricky.
I guess what I am saying is that, as someone else posted, you set your boundary for you.
But once you have set it, be prepared to fight more than once to keep it.
Beyond the alcohol and maybe some mental unhinging, your mom sounds like a bully.
There are many ways to deal with bullies. I hope you find the one that works for you.
Peace.

LaceyDallas

I don't live with, or anywhere near her. I'm 100% financially independent. There is basically no reason for me to HAVE to contact her. It would all be voluntary at this point.

Strangely, the longer it goes on the better I feel. In fact, I feel better now that I have felt in recent memory. I'm not sure if that's due to the NC or recent life events, or both.