CherryVanilla

I must be a real head case. First I spent 2.5 years in a state of constant panic and fear. Over the past six months I have seen steady progress with my son -- has embraced recovery in a BIG way, recently started a full time job, also works a side-job on weekends, continues with IOP, continues with meetings and working with sponsor, is finding sober friends &/or friends in long term recovery... NOW my brain won't SHUT UP with WHAT IF... what if what if... what if this doesn't last???!

I don't express that to son, I save it for my therapist. I don't ask him constantly "where, who, when,etc" and because I don't ask, I'm finding he's slowly starting to TELL me. Just casual stuff, but like a NORMAL relationship between an adult "child" and his parent (like I have with my other son, daughter-in-law, and niece!)

I don't go overboard. I was happy for him when he got the job. Told him "congratulations" the day he brought home his first paycheck. I'll text him (ONCE) each afternoon to let him know what's for dinner and if I should expect him or not. And if not, no big deal, it's just courtesy. (I do the same with my husband who works crazy hours, text if he'll be home at dinner time, if yes, great, if no, ok.)

But for 2.5 years I've been a stressed out basket case. I see a therapist, she says I have PTSD, situational depression and generalized anxiety. I've tried to "control" all of this this with mediation, yoga, long walks, and prayers. Finally after Christmas, I couldn't take it any longer and thought I was going crazy and explained to a (new) MD what was going on and she immediately gave me an rx for ativan. She said to take it only when I needed it. The 30 pill RX has lasted over 90 days. I'm going to the doc next week for blood work, etc as it's time to renew my other prescriptions. I ran out of ativan and BP last week and had no renewals . Since I'm scheduled for this week, she went ahead and renewed those without even seeing me. So I guess it's apparent that I don't abuse the ativan. (No one NO ONE knows that I have ativan in the house.)

But I know that ativan is a "drug" and don't want to take that forever... I talked to my therapist about Lexapro, since she says I have situational depression, and I'm going to talk to the M.D. this week about switching to ativan to Lexapro.

Does anyone else have these probems? The anxiety is so bad that sometimes I swear my heart is going to get bruised from beating up against my chest so hard. My mouth gets dry, my breath is shallow, I get dizzy, hands shake, feel like my peripheral vision closes up and I am looking through a tunnel and somehow am falling down it. I cannot sit still. I'll pace or walk up and down stairs. I feel like I need to run away, but I can't run away because what i want to run from is INSIDE me, not something external.

I've tried to explain this to my husband, but he just does not understand. Yesterday, he set off a panic attack, when he thought he did something good. He was at work and found an email I'd sent him during a "bad" phase. He forwarded it to me as a "see how far things have progressed for the better" message, but for me, it just brought me back to when things were really dark. He doesn't understand that every morning when I wake up, it takes me a while to get out of bed. (He's already gone to work most days.) I have to listen to my two favorite meditations just to get to the point where I can get up and even think of "doing" the things one must do every day. If I don't occupy my mind with the meditations, my brain will spin out of control and either relive every nightmare of 2.5 years, or will fast forward and torture me with all kinds of 'what if' scenarios.

Then all of sudden, I'll have a week or two or three, when I'm "normal" and I don't obsess... a little deep breathing and focusing on what is "good" will be all it takes for me to feel ok... but soon enough... then the cycle continues.

PhoenixJ

For my own life- I got c-ptsd. I do what I have to do every day, but it takes 10 times the amount of effort to do anything. That ramps up the anxiety- which sends my thoughts into overload. Some days it is just minute by minute mindful breathing. I force myself to eat, force myself to try and sleep (0300 Monday here). Get about 3 hours a night. I do all the mindful, HALTS, journal blah, blah. Posting here helps a little. Support to you.

dandylion

For one thing...I go to the "Recovery Follies" on this SR website.....
There, I read the hilarious stuff....especially, stuff by PhoenixJ (and others)...
I relate to his twisted sense of humor...and brilliant mind......

Everyone should check it out....some of the funniest cartoons, ...ever!

AnvilheadII

maybe it's time for son to move out? HE was the source of your anxiety - ok his addiction that is IN him was the source - and even tho he's in recovery now, HE is still there. daily. and you are daily faced with What If?

if i recall he's not a youngster, he's in his 20's? and at the age when most kids DO move out. you can't keep him home and under your watchful eye forever. if you've learned anything in the past 2-3 years its that you can't control ANY of it.

what if you went on a solo vacation away somewhere? for a week or so. or maybe find a retreat? here's a bunch listed in Sunset Magazine Top Wellness Retreats - Sunset

there are also some awesome Camps for Adults - i keep oogling those!!!

SmallButMighty

My suggestion is that you do seek an alternative to the ativan.

It was also what the doctors had me on to cope with my horrendous anxiety attacks. I had all the same symptoms you did and more. It was awful. And while the ativan DID work for me and I never became addicted to it ( though their is that possibility , it is after all a benzo) I did learn that your body can and eventually will introduce more cortisol ( the stress hormone that gives you the fight or flight response aka. panic attack)so that you feel the need to take more adivan. One time I couldn't get in to see my own doctor and I was sent to see another one. He took down my case history and then told me to "stop feeding my anxiety with ativan"... he very much aknowledged I was suffering from anxiety disorder( alcoholic husband, work injury, teenagers, sick elderly parents and the list goes on) but he was convinced the adivan was making it worse not better.He also not very delicately said, " no one ever died from anxiety, lots have people have died from adivan".

All that being said, there was a time I needed that medication and it did help.

And then it wasn't helping the way I wanted it to and I got worried about that. I did NOT want to be taking more adivan so the doctors tried a few other things that had horrible side effects. I never did find anything that worked properly for me. Turns out I didn't really have a internal chemical imbalance that needed fixing, I had a relationship imbalance that couldn't be fixed.

Breathing exercises helped, exercise helped. Ultimately what "fixed" me was removing the stressor from my life. In my case that meant leaving my husband. I understand you aren't wanting or willing to 'divorce' your son. But maybe there is a way you can detatch a bit more so that you don't drive yourself crazy with the future tripping.I have kids, 23 and 18. I know what it is to be a mom and all the fears that come with it. I'm going through a bit of that myself right now with my youngest. I've learned through my own recovery from codependence that I really don't have any control over him or his beliefs or behaviors. Working myself into a lather over the "what if's" and "if only's" doesn't do either of us any good. When I find myself slipping down the rabbit hole there I do some very mindful self talk and back myself out.

My mother was horribly codependent to my dad before he passed and is still that way with my brother. For her, codependency will be a life long burden she chooses to carry. She doesn't see it that way. She believes she is "helping" my brother. She just can't see that's she's making herself sicker and that she helps him to stay sick by enabling him. Any time I've tried to help her see the light she screams at me that he is her child and she'll look after him any way she sees fit. She's right that's her choice...but it's killing them both. So sad. She is now medicated for her anxiety as well.

It's a rough road for those of us that love addicts/alcoholics. Finding balance and health for ourselves is hard. Best of luck to you while you seek what works for you.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Cherry, my addiction is also my addict son (who is in recovery today). The key is that I have to separate my purpose and whole being from what JJ is choosing to do in his life. I am so HAPPY when he is in recovery, but then if the relapse occurs, it is like going to war. I put on the battle armor, I keep my wits about me and I DETACH. This is 6+ years of history, and for the first 3, I was where you are today. I was drinking to appease my anxiety and I was involved in every aspect of my sons life. Not knowing too much about addiction, I was convinced I could overcome this illness because I am MOTHER. I feel some anxiety when I see what is happening, but I also pray and seek my God's love and support. I will pray you continue to seek your Peace and that you will find a base of love and support in your heart. I so understand this cycle of anxiety and how it is so personal because it is your child.
Hugs,
TT

PS: After several failed attempts at living at home to maintain sobriety, we no longer offer JJ the option of living at home. He is doing so much BETTER in recovery home where he is paying his own rent, working at a mechanic shop and will soon be buying a car (he hasn't owned a car since 2012!) He has been on his own since 2014 and it really has made a HUGE difference for me in being able to detach and let him figure out his choices.

CherryVanilla

Thanks for all replies. Son has just started a full time job and is setting up a budget. He owes a lot of money, and is making a six-month and a nine-month plan (kind of Plan A and Plan B) toward getting his own apartment, but he really has to get a lot of stuff paid down (behind on student loan, for example). I had a private meditation session this afternoon and it helped me tremendously. I am absolutely still seeing the doctor later this week regarding the ativan and antidepressent, but it was incredible how much this woman helped me with only one hour of talking about focusing on the present, being in the moment, etc. I have not shared "everything" here. Since this is a forum for families of substance abusers, most of what I tell of course has to do with my life with my son. There are, however, outside stressors that contribute HEAVILY to my anxieties. I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about boundaries, etc., and decided that I was writing down everything to do with ALL of them that I stress about. I'm telling ALL of them that here's my list. This stresses me about their lives... things I have not control over and that I am willing to ADMIT TO MYSELF that I cannot control, and it is unfair for any of them to expect me to fix it for them, either, Telling them: You can talk to me about these things, or not, you can handle it, or not, but I cannot handle it for you. I'm here for you if you want to talk, brainstorm, want a sympathetic ear, but I can't DO anything about your problems FOR you. I need to put myself first. I'm very much looking forward to a four day get-away JUST FOR ME in May, and husband and I have a vacation planned for late summer. I really appreciate everyone's responses. I don't take action on all the advice, but I do take it all to heart and consider it. Thanks again.

Twofish

Dear Theresa,
Great response, I'm right there with you!
Dear CherryVanilla,
Your getting this, you're getting stronger! So proud of you!
Enjoy your 4 day get away! You deserve the break!
Hugs
TF

Chino

First of all, your post is ON topic, as your recovery is all about you

I had to tell people I could no longer listen to their problems until I resolved my own issues. Get togethers were like whine fests and pity parties as most friends weren't really interested in fixing themselves.

The healthier I got, the more I discovered, I slowly drifted away from those friends and made new ones with emotionally healthy people.

Ilovemysonjj

Boundaries is key! CV, I hope that you continue to seek the answers and it is very clear you want to be free from this anxiety! Enjoy your vacation. If you ever saw the movie "What about Bob?", Richard Dreyfuss tells Bill Murray (Bob), "Take a vacation from your life.". That is a joyous thing to experience!
Hugs
TT

zoso77

I don't think I've shared the story I'm about to share.

By the time August 2011 rolled around, I was pretty burnt out from dealing with my then-AGF. So I planned a trip to my brother's place in southwest Florida, and left her at home. Needless to say, because she was an addict and a Borderline, she was not happy about this. But that wasn't my problem.

Once I got down there, she tried her best to make sure I didn't have a good time, so I simply didn't call or text her for about 3 days. And when I did get home to see her, I explained that I've been visiting my brother in Florida long before she was in my life, I would continue to do so, and I would do it without her when I felt like it. I didn't need her, or anyone's, permission to take off for a couple of days.

In retrospect, it was one of a handful of times during that era where I threw down a hard boundary and enforced it. It wasn't until later that year -- around November/December -- when I got into Al Anon and started listening to what mothers of addicted children, for example, had to do to keep their sanity. And I thought, if they could do it for a situation far worse than mine, then I could do it. That's when I detached, and my AGF didn't like that at all.

The rest, as they say, is history...

Whitewingeddove

CV there is nothing unusual about what you are feeling. I can definitely relate. Mindfulness is something that gets easier with practice. Lots and lots of practice. Boundaries are also easier to set (and adhere to) with time. For me, I spent 18 years of co-dependency with my addict husband, he got clean 11 years ago, and my son picked up where he left off within a year, so I've got 28 years of this "life experience" under my belt. It's only recently that I have started to let go for various reasons (don't want to hijack this thread ) but I can tell you that once you begin to do that, a whole new world opens up. My shoulders feel lighter and I notice what's going on around me. When I hear those "what if" voices in my head, I no longer give in to the obsessing. I was diagnosed with clinical depression years ago, and am finally back on track with my Zoloft. For me its like my obsessing and anxiety played over and over like a skipping record. The drug helps stop the skip. That's the best way I can describe it. It's not a "happy pill" by any stretch, but it helps me help myself. It allows me to slow down the racing thoughts and sort through what I can and can't control, and move on. Will be thinking of you!