kevlarsjal

That's what I read a couple of times on here already. And I feel like it might be true for me. I didn't drink (yet) but I noticed how much more tempted I am lately.

So this is my first attempt at sobriety, I got sober before I even knew (admitted) to myself that I had a drinking problem because it was a requirement for starting therapy which I really wanted to do.

In the beginning my therapist told me I had to stay sober for 6 months so we could start working on my traumas and PTSD. So 6 months was always that big milestone I was working towards. Now I reached it and feel a bit lost. What's now?!

Also I noticed how I start to forget about the downsides of drinking, how my anxiety felt, how a hangover felt, how difficult it was to do things when you're never clear headed cause you're either drunk / tipsy or suffering from withdrawal.

At AA I heard someone sharing how the thought of actually drinking now or the smell of alcohol is making them feel sick. To me both is extremely tempting. I'd love it if I could drink now. I know I can't but if I could, I'd love it.

And lately when it hit me by surprise, I have trouble recognising my AV. If I'm confronted with the possibility to drink when I don't expect it, I tend to forget why it's not an option for me.

There were free drinks at an event last week where I almost drank and free drinks we received with the bill at a restaurant last night. And both times I think I only didn't pick up cause my boyfriend was with me and I wasn't sure I could hide it from him and I didn't want to be confronted about it. He's a recovering alcoholic too so it would've been a big discussion, he knows more than anyone that I can't just have one every once in a while.

I feel so bad admitting this but lately thoughts crept into my brain that suggested going on a break with our relationship so I could have some weeks or months do drink and not being confronted about it.

He said he wouldn't leave me if I relapsed but would support me and help me but I guess that's only the case if I try to get back on track.

I am not fully convinced that I'm an alcoholic at this specific moment which is admittedly surprising to myself after typing all this and considering how I'm obsessing with the thought of drinking.

So I kind of feel like I should test it once more to find out if it's really that bad or if there's any way I can drink in a maintainable way before committing to sobriety forever.

Also I'm 27 and I miss going out and all that stuff. I went from one long term relationship that started when I was 23 more or less right into the relationship with my boyfriend and I feel like this one could really last for a long time which freaks me out a little bit.

I feel like I'm standing at cross roads and I have to decide which way to go. But I don't know which one's the right one.
Part of me wants to have less responsibilities, go out, get drunk, be single, go on not so serious dates, live abroad for a bit and then try and get my **** together in 2-3 years.

The other part wants to be the good girl, stay with my boyfriend who I love so much, work on my issues rather than running away and distracting myself from them and try to build a life that I love. But I'm scared that it might be too early and that if I force myself to that much commitment now, I'll have a 'midlife crisis' later and might do all the stuff I mentioned above when I have kids and am married.

I feel like I already relapsed, just that I didn't drink yet.

Not sure why I post this, I guess I mainly just wanted to get it out and maybe someone can help me sort my thoughts and give support.

MsCooterBrown

Thoughts lead to actions ...just wanted to point that out ...Once I thought about it..My Jeep was at the liquor store. Just beware. I am back on track now but know what to watch for. Thoughts of drinking are one of those things!

MrMcTell

Hi Kev,

I know you point to this in your post, but do you think your age makes it difficult to accept you can never drink again?

I hit my rock bottom aged about 27 and (stupidly) never really stopped drinking. I spent another 10 years climbing out of the hole of depression and anxiety I had dug myself while limping on drinking. All I did was waste ten+ years of my life not addressing my problems properly.

I have the greatest respect for you addressing your problems at a younger age. Don't waste any more time thinking you can go back and drink normally. It certainly didn't work for me.

You're doing great BTW.

kevlarsjal

Yes I think it does, McTell. But then again, aren't we always looking for excuses why it should be harder for us to quit?

Lately there's been a lot of resentment in my heart cause I feel like it's unfair and I'm missing out on life. Truth is though, that I'm probably just missing out on further proof for my alcoholism, maybe resulting in my boyfriend leaving me, my therapist dropping me and doing lots of damage to myself, leading me back to where I was half a year ago, just in the worse version.

That was the sensible part of me talking.

The other part wants to go out and get drunk, best to move to another country where I don't know anyone, not to make new friends and see cool places but to spend the entire time drinking. I don't know why I find that thought so appealing.

I never thought I was an overly jealous person and I am still not when it comes to materialistic things but I'm very jealous of the fact that my boyfriend got to live in San Francisco for half a year, that he had some more years of alcoholic drinking after he got sober for 1 year in his twenties until he stopped almost 5 years ago. He's 12 years older and it's normal that he has done more things than I have but I feel like I want to have some more 'fun time' of going out, drinking and moving to other cities and he expects me to be responsible, work on my issues and maybe start a family in a few years. Which I also want. I think I want both, I can't have both, I know.

Sorry for rambling on, I think the key problem is, that I romanticise drinking and what I would do if I could. I want to believe that I could get away with my alcoholic drinking without facing the consequences and knowing that it's not possible upsets me. Like a stubborn, little girl that can't be a princess. Oh how nice I sound.

Thanks for your words, McTell! Hearing it helps and deep down I know it's true and you're right. The problem is accepting it. And thanks for your nice words on my 6 months thread.

Ariesagain

Maybe the relapse thoughts are mostly related to wanting to rebel?

Your boyfriend is older than you are, right? And he has some controlling and anger issues which cause you to walk on eggshells frequently.

I can see why after this sober time two things could be happening...first, whatever pink cloud you might have experienced or hopes for easy answers you might have had are probably gone right now. Second, as you have more sober time you are thinking more clearly and seeing things more accurately...and wanting to stand up for yourself more in your relationship could be a result.

But that could upset him, which could upset you...so what's the "solution" we've always turned to for numbing and emotional avoidance? Drinking.

I hope you'll stay sober...you have so much going for you. I quit drinking at 31 for 5+ years and it's one of my major regrets that I went back.

Don't do what I did, okay?

P.S. I just read your last post...There's nothing wrong with wanting to try new things and experiences...you're YOUNG. This is the time to do exactly that. Once you have children and a mortgage, your life won't have those options for a long time. But new experiences don't have to involve alcohol and are far more likely to be positive if they don't.

VigilanceNow

Good for you for being so thoughtful and forthcoming!! There's a part in the big book that discusses the obsession - that really struck a chord with me. I obsess constantly over the fact that I can't drink like a normal person. If you feel that you have to hide it and you worry about possibly going overboard, I think it's safe to say you shouldn't drink. Other people don't spend so much time worrying about it the way we do; they can have one or two and then not think about it for the rest of the night. When I have even a little, drinking becomes the only activity I pursue and finding more takes top priority. It's embarrassing, but I've learned to be honest about it - and you're well on your way to be successful!!

Keep going to meetings - it makes it so much easier to deal with it when you know you're not alone. Don't worry too much about the future and whether or not you will drink again forever - just focus on today it makes it much more manageable and realistic. Tell yourself I won't drink today - just for today
L

kevlarsjal

Ariesagain, part of it could be me wanting to rebel. I think. I feel like my boyfriend takes away the possibility of 'acting like I was trying to drink normally again' cause he, as an alcoholic, knows it's very unlikely to work.

I feel much like a toddler that doesn't get what it wants and it makes me have this dangerous 'f*ck it all' attitude. Yes that's me wanting to rebel.

I'm generally feeling a bit lost and annoyed by reality. I think I want to escape. I feel like maybe this relationship will really work out (he admitted lots of thing like having a too big ego and wanting to work on it) and it's scaring me. Then again I feel like it might not work out and it's scaring me too. So why not just run away and get drunk in another country? That's pretty much my train of thoughts.

Ariesagain

What happens if you take the drinking out of the fantasy?

If you can only picture yourself out and about in another place with a drink in your hand, it's probably more about the drinking than the new life experience, yes?

VigilanceNow

Kev, I get that feeling of rebellion. I started drinking in high school and it very much felt like a "healthy" form of rebellion, even though frankly there's nothing healthy about alcohol or my toxic relationship with it. It seems like your boyfriend may play too large a role in your life... But at the end of the day, drinking or not is your decision and yours alone. I found a million excuses for drinking; bad day, good day, whatever, it didn't matter. Make it about you and no one else. That's the only way to deal with this disease!

kevlarsjal

I think actually I might mix two fantasies together here. One is wanting to experience something new and feeling free and one is drinking. And both have their root in wanting to escape because I fear too much responsibility and commitment.

tnek97

Kev, you can still do all that and leave out the drunk part. You can be single, date frivolously, live abroad, see the world, and be sober. In fact, think how much more you would be able to do sober. Because you have more money, you're more clear headed, you're healthier.

You know what getting drunk will do? Make you irritable, lazy, bloated...and eventually, bitter and regretful.

You're here for a reason. I say stick with sobriety. You've already given booze a chance, and clearly it didn't give you all you wanted, or you wouldn't be here. Try making some changes, but make them while sober.

If I could go back and tell my 27 year old self to quit, to start living life sober, to experience life in a new way, I would.

Ariesagain

But maybe that's healthier than you think?

What if wanting to be free and self-reliant is a healthier choice than clinging to a relationship that seems like a ton of work?

Only you can know, but wanted to throw that out there...

biminiblue

Or maybe this is just not the right guy for you.

Only way to sort this all out is with a clear head, though. Sobriety allows me the opportunity to make good, healthy choices that are in my best interest.

Hang on, you're newly sober. It gets easier and it makes more sense as you go along. Are you reading any recovery material? Listening to podcasts? Reading other peoples' threads on this site?

VigilanceNow

I think also that associating alcohol with a sense of freedom, fun, and a carefree kind of attitude is what sucks a lot of young people in. Alcohol was so much a part of my culture in college that it never occurred to me that I should stop... In fact stopping wasn't even on my radar. It was naive and immature of me to think that alcoholism doesn't happen to "people like me". I burned a lot of bridges and got myself into a lot of dubious situations because of alcohol... I didn't realize the problem was me, not the alcohol...

saoutchik

I have forgotten these things too kevlarsjal. I find that reading and sometimes responding to posts here in Newcomers helps to remind me of how desperate I was I was when I was still drinking and could barely go 8 hours without a drink.

I realise this doesn't address all the points raised in your post but it may help in that one aspect.

kevlarsjal

Yes sao, it helps to a certain degree and that's why I lately joined AA again. Still my time of problematic drinking where it really didn't work anymore was relatively short so it makes me question if it maybe was just a phase. Probably not but I kind of want to prove myself once more that I can or can not drink.

Bimini, yes I read a lot on here, attend meetings and go to therapy. I don't read recovery literature or listen to podcasts though. Mainly cause I have to read a lot for university anyway and not much into podcasts.


I think this whole relationship leaves me with a ton of questions. I do love him and I don't understand why I should leave a great, caring man who really loves me and who shares the same values and interests like me. I know he has issues but he's willing to work on them and so am I, and who's perfect anyways?

But then again I think maybe I'm with him for the wrong reasons, I was always looking for someone to give me love and security and taking away that feeling of emptiness and I now understood that it's me who has to do that. I always wanted a relationship like this. But maybe it's not what I need right now. I am so confused and I dread to make a decision I could regret later on. That's why I want to run away to another country and get drunk.

biminiblue

That's not a solution.

You don't have to decide today or next month about your relationship unless it's abusive. If it is, the choice is clear.

Drinking will make any situation ten thousand percent worse.

Early sobriety is a jumble of emotions. Give it six months for your brain to settle. Right now you sound like you are over-thinking everything and that does lead to drinking. It's going to get better - nothing needs to be decided right now. You don't drink.

Can you get to a meeting today?

biminiblue

When I used to get that speedy brain/spinny brain/worrying anxiety in early days I would turn off everything - no TV, no computer. No "input." Then I would go for a walk outdoors.

I still do that every day. It resets that speediness. It slows things down if I focus on the beauty of nature and the speed of my own feet.

kevlarsjal

The thing is I have a bad cold with a fever plus a bad knee which doesn't allow me to get down the stairs on my own without causing great pain and making the injury worse. I'm at my boyfriend's and he lives on the fifths floor, no elevator.

Normally I'd be running by now which does the trick with my moods but obviously not an option today.

I am so angry and frustrated cause he left at 4 to meet some friends for a drink and now it's almost 10 and he's still not back. He said he'd be gone for 2 hours and that's why I stayed at his. Now I feel like an idiot waiting at his place, while he is out with friends having fun. He had dinner with them so I can cook for myself now, despite feeling like crap. He texted 1.5 hours ago saying they're having a final drink, still not back though. I'm really angry and frustrated and i don't know if it's his fault or if I'm just a moody cow.

I just searched his whole place for anything alcoholic but nothing there if I don't want to drink his after shave. Oh what's wrong with me!?

biminiblue

Well, he's not treating you very well for one. But you are letting that resentment build. I thought he didn't drink? I'm confused. Are you future tripping and thinking about what you're going to say when he gets home? Can you call uber and go home?

Two, you're sick and injured and that is frustrating and allows all that nervous energy to build up. Can you do some shadow boxing? Any rapid movement for five minutes will help. Did you take cold medicine? Sometimes that makes me more speedy, which I don't need!

But more, you're allowing your mind to get away from you . Is there anyone you met at AA who gave you their phone number? Pick up the phone. That is the best thing for getting out of my own head. Talking to another alcoholic is a great cure for cravings.

If none of the above work, go to bed!!