Listen to what people tell you about themselves
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Listen to what people tell you about themselves
Hi everyone, it's been while I haven't posted, but I keep reading and commenting sometimes.
I have been separated from my ex addict for nearly a year and I would like to share my experience so far.
I have been in therapy and listening to the freedomain radio podcast /relationships.
It was extremely helpful so far and I feel happier than ever. It's a hard work and I had to cut some unhealthy people from my life but definitely worth it.
One thing that I heard in therapy and that I try to apply in my life is to listen what people tell you about themselves. I tried with new people I met and I found it truth and helpful.
I try to ask new people I meet about their childhood and past and kind of examine their reactions. It helped me to keep only the sane people around. The theory is that people tell you the truth and you should know within few hours of meeting them who they are (you o ly need to listen carefully and take it seriously).
Did it ever happen to you that you meet someone new and you don't take their answers too serious and you have your own agenda on mind? Well try to listen. I promise that it works.
I remember my ex addict telling me in "joke" that his friends say he is crazy. I wish I believed him back then!
Also my ex didn't want to talk about his past and I felt like I was rude asking him those details. Now I would run for the hills.
One other thing I learned is that when people talk about something painful from their past and they describe it like it's nothing or they laugh at it - it means they didn't process it and never worked at their issues. Run.
Those are just some helpful tips. I really hope to meet healthy partner soon and I would appreciate if you share your stories about meeting new partner yourselves. Anything will help
Thank you
I have been separated from my ex addict for nearly a year and I would like to share my experience so far.
I have been in therapy and listening to the freedomain radio podcast /relationships.
It was extremely helpful so far and I feel happier than ever. It's a hard work and I had to cut some unhealthy people from my life but definitely worth it.
One thing that I heard in therapy and that I try to apply in my life is to listen what people tell you about themselves. I tried with new people I met and I found it truth and helpful.
I try to ask new people I meet about their childhood and past and kind of examine their reactions. It helped me to keep only the sane people around. The theory is that people tell you the truth and you should know within few hours of meeting them who they are (you o ly need to listen carefully and take it seriously).
Did it ever happen to you that you meet someone new and you don't take their answers too serious and you have your own agenda on mind? Well try to listen. I promise that it works.
I remember my ex addict telling me in "joke" that his friends say he is crazy. I wish I believed him back then!
Also my ex didn't want to talk about his past and I felt like I was rude asking him those details. Now I would run for the hills.
One other thing I learned is that when people talk about something painful from their past and they describe it like it's nothing or they laugh at it - it means they didn't process it and never worked at their issues. Run.
Those are just some helpful tips. I really hope to meet healthy partner soon and I would appreciate if you share your stories about meeting new partner yourselves. Anything will help
Thank you
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I soooo agree with everything you said. People have a way of "telling" on themselves, sometimes by what they say and sometimes by what they do or how they react to certain situations. Kindness and tolerance are just not in their make up.
A person with a "hot" temper, who rages in traffic or when someone accidentally bumps into them, has the makings of an abuser and someone who has an obsession with control.
How a person reacts to what we say or do...do they laugh at us or belittle and then call it "all in fun"? Do they put down our accomplishments in order to raise up their own?
And another red flag is do they try to separate us from our family and our own friends, resenting any time we spend alone with our loved ones?
And on the lighter side, yet one I have found true...get a cat and see how the cat likes the person. Cats "know", lol, and that's good enough for me.
All of the above behaviours become apparent very very early in any relationship.
Maya, thanks for this thread, you have brought forward a very important observation and I hope others will share on how your words apply to their situation.
Hugs
A person with a "hot" temper, who rages in traffic or when someone accidentally bumps into them, has the makings of an abuser and someone who has an obsession with control.
How a person reacts to what we say or do...do they laugh at us or belittle and then call it "all in fun"? Do they put down our accomplishments in order to raise up their own?
And another red flag is do they try to separate us from our family and our own friends, resenting any time we spend alone with our loved ones?
And on the lighter side, yet one I have found true...get a cat and see how the cat likes the person. Cats "know", lol, and that's good enough for me.
All of the above behaviours become apparent very very early in any relationship.
Maya, thanks for this thread, you have brought forward a very important observation and I hope others will share on how your words apply to their situation.
Hugs
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MAYA.....I can think of something that feeds into what you are talking about....
There was a guy who lived across the street from me and my husband...a really bright, fun guy who had a lot of carpentry skills....so, my husband and I got him involved in building sets for our community theater group. We all hung out together, a lot...he would, often, walk over to our house and spend long hours just hanging out and talking, etc. (theater groups become like family to each other)....He shared a lot of stories about himself and his life, etc. as, we all did....
He began dating a woman who lived in out community (not in the theater group)....they became more involved and moved in together.
It looked like marriage would be down the road...very serious. then, there were some occasions that I was talking to her...and, was so surprised to learn that I knew many things about his childhood, and other experiences...very significant things...that she had no idea about....I said to her..."Surely, you all have talked about these things..?". She said..."No, never".....Wow.
Long story, short...their relationship lasted a couple of years, longer and ended very unhappily....
I think that this illustrates how some people will get together and not share their past and intimate information, with each other....
How come, I, as a friend, knew more about him than the woman who planned on marrying him???
what was wrong with that picture......
There was a guy who lived across the street from me and my husband...a really bright, fun guy who had a lot of carpentry skills....so, my husband and I got him involved in building sets for our community theater group. We all hung out together, a lot...he would, often, walk over to our house and spend long hours just hanging out and talking, etc. (theater groups become like family to each other)....He shared a lot of stories about himself and his life, etc. as, we all did....
He began dating a woman who lived in out community (not in the theater group)....they became more involved and moved in together.
It looked like marriage would be down the road...very serious. then, there were some occasions that I was talking to her...and, was so surprised to learn that I knew many things about his childhood, and other experiences...very significant things...that she had no idea about....I said to her..."Surely, you all have talked about these things..?". She said..."No, never".....Wow.
Long story, short...their relationship lasted a couple of years, longer and ended very unhappily....
I think that this illustrates how some people will get together and not share their past and intimate information, with each other....
How come, I, as a friend, knew more about him than the woman who planned on marrying him???
what was wrong with that picture......
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
And on the lighter side, yet one I have found true...get a cat and see how the cat likes the person. Cats "know", lol, and that's good enough for me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
PuzzledHeart, my Toby would have still found his way to you, nodded his approval and then played the room for someone to pat him. 
On a more serious note here, I think we need to trust our instinct as well. If something feels not quite right, it probably isn't. It can be the tone of voice or that what is said doesn't quite make sense. Or if they are not where they said they were or would be. Little things add up, and no matter how many explanations or excuses are given, we "know" that something is off.
My son had several "tells", the biggest was answering the question by repeating it before giving an answer...thus giving him time to think one up. He only did this when he lied.
Me: "Was it a good meeting tonight?"
Him: "Was it a good meeting tonight? Not really, long winded speaker so I left early."
I used to remind him that where there was one lie, there was no truth.
On a more serious note here, I think we need to trust our instinct as well. If something feels not quite right, it probably isn't. It can be the tone of voice or that what is said doesn't quite make sense. Or if they are not where they said they were or would be. Little things add up, and no matter how many explanations or excuses are given, we "know" that something is off.
My son had several "tells", the biggest was answering the question by repeating it before giving an answer...thus giving him time to think one up. He only did this when he lied.
Me: "Was it a good meeting tonight?"
Him: "Was it a good meeting tonight? Not really, long winded speaker so I left early."
I used to remind him that where there was one lie, there was no truth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Ann 
I soooo agree with everything you said. People have a way of "telling" on themselves, sometimes by what they say and sometimes by what they do or how they react to certain situations. Kindness and tolerance are just not in their make up.
A person with a "hot" temper, who rages in traffic or when someone accidentally bumps into them, has the makings of an abuser and someone who has an obsession with control.
How a person reacts to what we say or do...do they laugh at us or belittle and then call it "all in fun"? Do they put down our accomplishments in order to raise up their own?
And another red flag is do they try to separate us from our family and our own friends, resenting any time we spend alone with our loved ones?
And on the lighter side, yet one I have found true...get a cat and see how the cat likes the person. Cats "know", lol, and that's good enough for me.
All of the above behaviours become apparent very very early in any relationship.
Maya, thanks for this thread, you have brought forward a very important observation and I hope others will share on how your words apply to their situation.
Hugs
A person with a "hot" temper, who rages in traffic or when someone accidentally bumps into them, has the makings of an abuser and someone who has an obsession with control.
How a person reacts to what we say or do...do they laugh at us or belittle and then call it "all in fun"? Do they put down our accomplishments in order to raise up their own?
And another red flag is do they try to separate us from our family and our own friends, resenting any time we spend alone with our loved ones?
And on the lighter side, yet one I have found true...get a cat and see how the cat likes the person. Cats "know", lol, and that's good enough for me.
All of the above behaviours become apparent very very early in any relationship.
Maya, thanks for this thread, you have brought forward a very important observation and I hope others will share on how your words apply to their situation.
Hugs
I agree that separation is great one and cat, I'm kind of afraid of them
maybe dog?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by SarahBear
One thing I like to add is also listen to what their close friends tell you. I highly doubt they'd lie about them out of jealousy.
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