Sunkeeper

This weekend was a payday weekend. I hate payday weekends. That means my AH has money to drink and I have no idea what's in store for my weekend. I spent the night listening to my alanon podcast and reading your guys post and the stickes getting myself all prepared to practice my new found tools to the chaotic weekend I thought I had ahead of me.I get home from work Friday night expecting my husband to have been drinking or passed out drunk and my room reeking of booze and rotting liver. To my suprise he wasnt. I said oh thank god. The next morning he wakes up with the girls and allows me to sleep in. Instead of waking up to him playing video games he was replacing our broken garbage disposal. I got the girls and I ready and went to town with my girlfriend for a couple hours. I told her he'd probably be drinking when I got home and I can use my newly found tools then. I also have a ready to go pack all set up for when and if I need to leave. Thinking full well I'd need it. Money ready for a hotel and everything. I got home and he was making a better gate for our fence because our dog had gotten out the other night and got caught in the neighbors racoon trap. I never expected he would get around to doing that. He's said for months he had something planned for it but I never saw any progress or plans or anything so I just assumed it was one of those things he says he will do but doesn't. But he did it, and it turned out better than I thought it would be. I was so proud and pleased but in the back of my mind I knew after he was done he would say " oh look what I just did, I need a drink after that hard work" but he didnt. He said he was going to get a new phone (he broke his a couple weeks ago when he was drunk). Of course I automatically thought he'd go to the store and get booze or stop by the bar for a couple shots before coming home. I prepared myself to be calm and collected and not smell his breath and not confront him about going and drinking or getting booze, or any of the other things of done in the past. I got all prepared to detach myself from the situation. HE CAME HOME 100% SOBER. I was shocked. I was so sure he'd come home drunk or have been drinking. These moments are why I want to stay and make things work. He is such a good guy when he's not drinking. He is sober more than not. But when he does drinks it's crazy and wild and leaves a devastating path of emotional destruction. I know there will be times when I think he will be drunk or drinking and he will be and I'll have to assess the situation and take the "appropriate" actions. I say "appropriate" with quotations because in the past I've verbally attacked an intoxicated man or very inappropriately handled the situation. This weekend has been a good weekend.
And this is why I want to stay

PhoenixJ

I hope stuff keeps on this way for you, SunK. You are right to have a plan B. But living on the edge- waiting for that moment is not healthy for you. Such is the nature of life- hay? You obviously have the thinking and support. Living on eggshells is not good, but. To worry about every time someone leaves the house, well you know all of this. My complete empathy and support to you. My empathy for your partner. Stay safe.

FeelingGreat

hi Sun, do you think he sensed something in you and thought you might be on the verge of leaving? Or was it entirely random good behaviour on his part?

Glad your weekend went well.

honeypig

For now. Remember the progressive nature of alcoholism. That balance will change, sure as the sun sets in the west.

Have you found the post about the Intermittent Chicken yet? Here it is. You may find it resonates with you...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html

dandylion

Sunkeeper....I think that just about everyone here can relate to what you are saying. The good times are what it is all about...lol....how good it feels and how it reinforces the initial hopes and plans and dreams that we begin a relationship with.
We are attracted by the good stuff in the first place....who, in their right mind, would start out with someone if it was all the bad stuff? The good stuff is powerful...and, it is the hook that motivated us to tolerate and "ride out" the other negative periods.
After all...."Nobody is perfect"...and, "Every relationship has some problems"...right? Isn't that what we are taught---that marriages are hard work and not to expect a continuous rose garden...."Dedication and hard work pays off in the end".....
In fact, we are taught a whole set of ground rules to human relationships, from the time that we are little sprouts. We are taught, by example and by the messages that we receive from our society, at large....what we are taught in schools, churches and entertainment media. (there is an old movie --"Love means never having to say you are sorry"....sports--Vince Lombardi--"When the going gets tough--the tough get going".....
None of this is really wrong (in my opinion)....it is just that there is a failure, usually, to tell us that all of this is meant to be applied to normal, healthy relationships. In other words...relationships where one doesn't have to pay a high price for the good times...the good stuff...
They don't always warn us that sometimes the price is too high...when it is so high that we cannot thrive..or that it interferes with our welfare or doesn't allow us to be ourselves....or blocks our path to inner happiness and peace of mind....
Addictions and abuse are two things that can tear our lives (and families) apart...the cost is high...very high...

I understand why you want to stay....I completely get it....

Maudcat

Good to have a plan B, SK.

LexieCat

I left because I couldn't stand the dread of coming home, not knowing what I would encounter. Eventually the fun, good times were outweighed by the anxiety and dread of what would be next. That point is different for everyone. In my case I had already endured one deathbed vigil (I'm not being dramatic here--liver/kidneys shut down, coma, literally at death's door), only to have him back to drinking a matter of months later. I wasn't up for more.

YES, to the Plan B. Keep your options open. Protect your finances. Become as self-sufficient as you can. If things go south (and they can in a hurry) you don't want to be trapped.

Sunkeeper

EDIT: Shotly after writing this I went to bed. AH stayed up all night drinking. Didn't make it to bed until the dawn. He waited to drink until I was asleep I can't say I'm suprised, I knew it was "to good to be true" so to say. I feel dissapointment and sad for him. For me it's just another day. I will not confront him about it and just let my day play out. It's all about. We he came to bed and reeked like booze I had to tell myself his drinking will not affect my happiness. And I fell back asleep repeating those words. I woke up in a better state of mind.

LexieCat

I know the feeling. On both sides.

I'm eight years sober, myself. I could "control" my drinking for discrete periods of time when I felt I HAD to, but not reliably, and not over the long term. And it did, predictably, escalate as time went by. It became harder and harder to "control" it, and it was exhausting and demoralizing to keep winding up in the same place, or worse. I quit drinking before I lost much on the outside. I seem to be somewhat unusual in that respect--I attribute a lot of it to my own experience of living with alcoholics, including my first husband who got sober and has stayed that way for 37 years. I knew there was a solution when I was ready to say, "enough." But some people never get to that point--or they get there only after many, many disasters and losses. I was fortunate.

Bekindalways

Sigh . . . sorry to hear this Sunkeeper.

Glad to hear you got your garbage disposal fixed and a new gate. Hope you didn't unpack that bag. (-;

No matter how much you hope for his recovery, keep working on that plan B. I used to pretend that the reward for working my plan B would be my qualifier returning to me sober, healthy and whole . . . . not the healthiest way to think but it helped at the time and at the time I needed every straw I could find. I had the codie thing bad.

Forward12

That tease is what keeps suckering us in. I agree with everyone else, keep that solid plan B in place as it likely will be needed before you know it.

Sunkeeper

My bag is still packed. Glad i didnt have to use it Is it said for me to just want something bad to happen to my AH so he'll see the light and want recovery?

AnvilheadII

yes sad, but pretty "normal" for those mired in an addictive relationship. we don't WANT to HAVE to leave, we just WANT them to get their friggin' chit together and FIX IT. just BE the guy that fixes gates, and feeds the kids pancakes, and comes home sober.

LexieCat

Here's the thing--the "bad" thing that might happen might have no effect whatsoever on his drinking. My second husband nearly DIED. That wasn't enough for him--he went back to drinking. DUIs are often repeated. People go to jail as if there were a revolving door. Jobs come and go. The person most affected is likely to be you.

Besides, wishes don't come true. If they did, he'd already be sober.

Sunkeeper

Amen sister!

Sunkeeper

I think this is an unfair statement to make.
For all the people in recovery and for there families/friends and people who are still struggling with this disease. My husband may never get sober, or he may get sober on his own terms or maybe become someone's sponsor someday and help someone who is in his shoes right now. I still believe in him. Im hurting and it sucks, and feel so many confusing,painful emotions. That's why I came to this forum and wrote my heart out to guys because I'm a mess but I do wish that my wishes and hopes one day come true for me and all the other people here. I can't say I'll be with my AH forever but I will always wish and hope he can pull through this with or without me. Im not trying to be offensive or defensive I just think this statement holds a lot of negativity and not so supportive.

VigilanceNow

It sounds like you're taking a very realistic approach. Alcoholics are people too - not perfect, but one does have to put work in if sobriety is expected to last.

I used to get a kind of high thinking that I was getting away with sneaking around, even though I hated it. Until your husband wants it for himself and is willing​ to work for it, this GS are unlikely to change.

But do know that a "rock bottom" isn't necessarily a wake-up call; I also knew a man who literally almost died but went right back to the bottle when he was discharged from the hospital.

There is always hope but you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in your own home. Hope it doesn't come to anything too bad!! Good luck

HeartbrokenGuy

I'm sorry Sun. I remember feeling as you do. Wishing and hoping that my fiancé would "see the light".

Unfortunately she never did.

And I think Lexie's comment spoke more about my situation. If all it took to get my fiancé sober was to wish for it and hope for it and love her through it then she'd be sober and sitting on the couch here next to me. However, she is not and I will never see her or hear her voice again despite my most sincere wishes for her recovery.

maia1234

Sk,
We all feel your pain. I wished for 34 years that my now axh would see the light. I am 2 1/2 years post divorce, and just received an email that he was hoping to remarry. He is still and addict and his life is horrible, but mine is not.

It took me about 15 years to get the strength to divorce my ah. As painful as it was, it was the best decision I have ever made. An alcoholic on this forum posted years ago "it was the best thing my exwife ever did, was kicking me to the curb".

Sending hugs to you, as we do understand.

Ladybird579

Is it said for me to just want something bad to happen to my AH so he'll see the light and want recovery?

I'd not bank on that. My exah has dies 3 times, has had more health scares then I care to remember and has been on a life support twice cos of his drinking. He's been to detox many times and rehab long term at least 3. Now he's in a sober living house but admits he's scared to leave. He only ended up there cos it was court ordered rehab.

My point is some never see the light and never have a bottom no matter how bad it gets.