Devastated ex-girlfriend of alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 52
Devastated ex-girlfriend of alcoholic
I'm new to this forum and figured I would open up my heart for the potential return of healing words.
I'm a 30 year old woman, and 3 months ago I broke up with my sweetest, greatest love due to his alcoholism. He truly admitted he was an alcoholic, but wouldn't put himself in a program because he believes he can do it on his own, which I know is not true. He would white knuckle his drinking, go about 3 weeks, and then would get together with his friends and the next thing he knew, he was on a 2-3 day binder, and would suffer from withdrawal symptoms for 2-3 days, which included severe panic attacks and anxiety, tremors of the hands, diarrhea, and agoraphobia.
He's been arrested probably 10 times in his life for stupid, belligerent behavior due to his drinking. He's woken up in a holding cell with a broken arm, not knowing how he got there. He has humiliated himself due to the monster he becomes when he blacks out in front of so many. He carries so much shame, guilt and self loathing.
I gave the entirety of my heart and soul to my babe, because I believed in him and I believed in us. I truly feel he is my soulmate.
During the last few months of our relationship, his irritability increased, along with severe mood swings and irrational arguments with me over things that made no sense. He felt I was always making him out to be the bad guy, criticizing him, controlling him or trying to change him. Things got worse once I learned about alcoholism and my role in enabling (I have no history of addiction in my family). I stood my ground on him maintaining sobriety, seeking a program, and getting out of the service industry (he is a bar manager and head bartender of a very fancy country club).
He soon began to withdraw from me, his depression was severe, and I was going crazy. He admitted to having demons and was trying to deal with his alcoholism and just felt so overwhelmed. He wasn't giving me the relationship I deserved. I then made the decision to break up with him so that he could focus on himself and his sobriety, work through the problems he represses, find his peace and happiness, and then we could be happy again.
A month later, he tells me he isn't in love with me anymore, and to not wait around for him because we are never getting back together. He said he was in love with me at one point, but then saw who I really was, who he was, and that we just aren't right for each other, and that I didn't handle a lot of things the way he needed. And he's been going out only a few times and drinking just a little, but nothing bad is happening (whatever, you idiotic addict with your pathetic denial).
I've never felt such devastation and pain in my life. This man wanted to marry me, have children with me, spend the rest of his life with me. His family loves me like their own daughter/sister. I gave him all of my love, patience, loyalty, support, forgiveness and sanity. I stood by him bc he made me believe that his love for me was unconditional and eternal. I would never have done that for anyone else. I feel as though he has taken a torch to everything I've given and sacrificed for him. And now he looks at me as some sad, pathetic girl who can't get over it. He wants us to be friends, and it devastated me. I told him no.
I've blocked him on all social media and asked he no longer call me, of which he hasn't. I can't stop thinking about my babe with another woman. I can't stop thinking about his safety and sobriety. I feel like I'm losing him, but I've apparently already lost him. I don't understand how he suddenly isn't in love with me anymore, after everything we've been through and shared together.
I'm dying on the inside, and I'm so broken. I feel so betrayed. I feel so misunderstood. I feel so demonized. I feel so helpless. There's nothing I can do, and I don't know how to accept this as my reality. He's my sweetheart, my babe, my greatest love. I know he has a disease, I know everything about it, but my faith in him is so great. I refuse to believe he isn't in love with me anymore, but he isn't doing anything to get me back... and it's destroying me.
I'm so lost within my heart, bc I shouldn't want him, but I do. I love him. God, I love him so much. I should move on and let it go, but I can't. And I don't know what to do. I'm so angry at the world, the universe and at God for creating no cure for such a disease.
This pain is so deep, and so mentally and emotionally overwhelming, I feel like I'm going crazy, and he's just "moved on." He said he's MOVED ON. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!
I'm shaking as I type this, and I feel so psycho, like I sound so pathetic and desperate, but I love him, we loved each other, and I gave him anything and everything I could possibly give... but I stood in the way of alcohol.
I don't even know what to say anymore. Im in therapy, I know all about codependency and alcoholism, but I just want a magic wand to fix it all. And that doesn't exist. But I can't accept that I've lost my babe, that he doesn't love me, and that he has chosen a life without me, so he can do whatever he wants without any guilt or shame.
I'll stop now, because I could go on forever.
I'm a 30 year old woman, and 3 months ago I broke up with my sweetest, greatest love due to his alcoholism. He truly admitted he was an alcoholic, but wouldn't put himself in a program because he believes he can do it on his own, which I know is not true. He would white knuckle his drinking, go about 3 weeks, and then would get together with his friends and the next thing he knew, he was on a 2-3 day binder, and would suffer from withdrawal symptoms for 2-3 days, which included severe panic attacks and anxiety, tremors of the hands, diarrhea, and agoraphobia.
He's been arrested probably 10 times in his life for stupid, belligerent behavior due to his drinking. He's woken up in a holding cell with a broken arm, not knowing how he got there. He has humiliated himself due to the monster he becomes when he blacks out in front of so many. He carries so much shame, guilt and self loathing.
I gave the entirety of my heart and soul to my babe, because I believed in him and I believed in us. I truly feel he is my soulmate.
During the last few months of our relationship, his irritability increased, along with severe mood swings and irrational arguments with me over things that made no sense. He felt I was always making him out to be the bad guy, criticizing him, controlling him or trying to change him. Things got worse once I learned about alcoholism and my role in enabling (I have no history of addiction in my family). I stood my ground on him maintaining sobriety, seeking a program, and getting out of the service industry (he is a bar manager and head bartender of a very fancy country club).
He soon began to withdraw from me, his depression was severe, and I was going crazy. He admitted to having demons and was trying to deal with his alcoholism and just felt so overwhelmed. He wasn't giving me the relationship I deserved. I then made the decision to break up with him so that he could focus on himself and his sobriety, work through the problems he represses, find his peace and happiness, and then we could be happy again.
A month later, he tells me he isn't in love with me anymore, and to not wait around for him because we are never getting back together. He said he was in love with me at one point, but then saw who I really was, who he was, and that we just aren't right for each other, and that I didn't handle a lot of things the way he needed. And he's been going out only a few times and drinking just a little, but nothing bad is happening (whatever, you idiotic addict with your pathetic denial).
I've never felt such devastation and pain in my life. This man wanted to marry me, have children with me, spend the rest of his life with me. His family loves me like their own daughter/sister. I gave him all of my love, patience, loyalty, support, forgiveness and sanity. I stood by him bc he made me believe that his love for me was unconditional and eternal. I would never have done that for anyone else. I feel as though he has taken a torch to everything I've given and sacrificed for him. And now he looks at me as some sad, pathetic girl who can't get over it. He wants us to be friends, and it devastated me. I told him no.
I've blocked him on all social media and asked he no longer call me, of which he hasn't. I can't stop thinking about my babe with another woman. I can't stop thinking about his safety and sobriety. I feel like I'm losing him, but I've apparently already lost him. I don't understand how he suddenly isn't in love with me anymore, after everything we've been through and shared together.
I'm dying on the inside, and I'm so broken. I feel so betrayed. I feel so misunderstood. I feel so demonized. I feel so helpless. There's nothing I can do, and I don't know how to accept this as my reality. He's my sweetheart, my babe, my greatest love. I know he has a disease, I know everything about it, but my faith in him is so great. I refuse to believe he isn't in love with me anymore, but he isn't doing anything to get me back... and it's destroying me.
I'm so lost within my heart, bc I shouldn't want him, but I do. I love him. God, I love him so much. I should move on and let it go, but I can't. And I don't know what to do. I'm so angry at the world, the universe and at God for creating no cure for such a disease.
This pain is so deep, and so mentally and emotionally overwhelming, I feel like I'm going crazy, and he's just "moved on." He said he's MOVED ON. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!
I'm shaking as I type this, and I feel so psycho, like I sound so pathetic and desperate, but I love him, we loved each other, and I gave him anything and everything I could possibly give... but I stood in the way of alcohol.
I don't even know what to say anymore. Im in therapy, I know all about codependency and alcoholism, but I just want a magic wand to fix it all. And that doesn't exist. But I can't accept that I've lost my babe, that he doesn't love me, and that he has chosen a life without me, so he can do whatever he wants without any guilt or shame.
I'll stop now, because I could go on forever.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome!
Sorry for your pain--we've all been there. Circumstances may be different, but we know how it hurts.
What is adding to your hurt, though, is your resistance to the truth. It isn't easy to accept the truth, but until you do, you will be mired in pain. I sense that you understand that, on some level, but can't imagine yourself ever coming to a place of acceptance.
Let me assure you, it is possible. You WILL find happiness in your life again. I'm glad you're working with a therapist. That should help. I don't know whether you've explored Al-Anon. I found it very helpful to be with others who had been exactly where I was, who had found a path to acceptance.
Keep reading, and posting. You will find a lot of stories similar to yours, and lots of folks who have walked in your shoes.
One thing--there is no one "soulmate" destined for you. It's possible to feel a very deep connection to someone else, but if that person leaves, or dies, it doesn't mean your life is over. I've felt that connection, myself. It feels very magical. But it isn't all-powerful, and it isn't destiny.
Sorry for your pain--we've all been there. Circumstances may be different, but we know how it hurts.
What is adding to your hurt, though, is your resistance to the truth. It isn't easy to accept the truth, but until you do, you will be mired in pain. I sense that you understand that, on some level, but can't imagine yourself ever coming to a place of acceptance.
Let me assure you, it is possible. You WILL find happiness in your life again. I'm glad you're working with a therapist. That should help. I don't know whether you've explored Al-Anon. I found it very helpful to be with others who had been exactly where I was, who had found a path to acceptance.
Keep reading, and posting. You will find a lot of stories similar to yours, and lots of folks who have walked in your shoes.
One thing--there is no one "soulmate" destined for you. It's possible to feel a very deep connection to someone else, but if that person leaves, or dies, it doesn't mean your life is over. I've felt that connection, myself. It feels very magical. But it isn't all-powerful, and it isn't destiny.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a hug.
Sometimes there is no cure but time. For what it's worth, one of the reasons he was so magical and charming and attentive is that addicts have to be...it's a survival skill. He may have hidden some of his less-than-lovely real personality traits to close the deal, possibly even unconsciously.
He's not "in love with you anymore" because he's already in a committed relationship...his addiction...and you threaten that. And there's the reality that many addicts don't really experience love on any adult level...where you gut through tough times and work things out and be faithful and responsible. It's either sparkles and magic or it's history.
You're certainly not alone. I hope you'll read some of the many, many threads here from people who have or are going through exactly what you are. Love with an active alcoholic is a remarkably predictable experience...intense infatuation, corrosion as the addiction asserts itself, then denial, blame, and chaos.
Hope you'll stay around, as you're among people who understand.
Sometimes there is no cure but time. For what it's worth, one of the reasons he was so magical and charming and attentive is that addicts have to be...it's a survival skill. He may have hidden some of his less-than-lovely real personality traits to close the deal, possibly even unconsciously.
He's not "in love with you anymore" because he's already in a committed relationship...his addiction...and you threaten that. And there's the reality that many addicts don't really experience love on any adult level...where you gut through tough times and work things out and be faithful and responsible. It's either sparkles and magic or it's history.
You're certainly not alone. I hope you'll read some of the many, many threads here from people who have or are going through exactly what you are. Love with an active alcoholic is a remarkably predictable experience...intense infatuation, corrosion as the addiction asserts itself, then denial, blame, and chaos.
Hope you'll stay around, as you're among people who understand.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
loveandmagic....many people do stay in destructive relationships because they cannot bear to face the pain of grieving....of mourning....because it is so painful...
even though the grief will eventually end....because it is the (necessary) short-term pain for the long-term gain....
I have read that addicts/alcoholics are motivated, more, by their feelings in the moment...
where as, co-dependents are more motivated by a deep sense of "right and wrong"...of "justice"....As in....If I give this much...you owe me this much, because I have right on my side.....
even though the grief will eventually end....because it is the (necessary) short-term pain for the long-term gain....
I have read that addicts/alcoholics are motivated, more, by their feelings in the moment...
where as, co-dependents are more motivated by a deep sense of "right and wrong"...of "justice"....As in....If I give this much...you owe me this much, because I have right on my side.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what we FEEL and what are FACTS are sometimes quite a bit different. right now your FEELINGS are in control - but over time, the FACTS of the relationship, of him, his disease, what you two had together will catch up.
it wasn't all sunshine and roses. you never had a relationship with JUST him.....his mistress alcohol was always there. he sounds like a bit of a train wreck to be honest!!!
as codependents we OVERgive and we believe we know best who they truly are and who they COULD be "if only". you believed that if only he would stop drinking you would have that perfect magical happily ever after.
you most salient point was that you tried to get in between him and alcohol. and his addiction was having none of it.
i'm glad you have a therapist. we could all use a good therapist at certain times!!! continue to take care of you.
it wasn't all sunshine and roses. you never had a relationship with JUST him.....his mistress alcohol was always there. he sounds like a bit of a train wreck to be honest!!!
as codependents we OVERgive and we believe we know best who they truly are and who they COULD be "if only". you believed that if only he would stop drinking you would have that perfect magical happily ever after.
you most salient point was that you tried to get in between him and alcohol. and his addiction was having none of it.
i'm glad you have a therapist. we could all use a good therapist at certain times!!! continue to take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Welcome, loveandmagic. Sorry for your pain and sadness.
I think that when a relationship ends, we feel a double dose of grief. We miss the person that we so loved, and we miss the life together that we had envisioned.
It's okay and expected that you will feel sad. .
But please consider that he is very ill and very troubled. You cannot love him into recovery. If we could do that, no one would post here.
Living with an addict is one of the hardest things there is. And until the addict decides to change, there is really nothing you can do.
Good luck. Peace.
I think that when a relationship ends, we feel a double dose of grief. We miss the person that we so loved, and we miss the life together that we had envisioned.
It's okay and expected that you will feel sad. .
But please consider that he is very ill and very troubled. You cannot love him into recovery. If we could do that, no one would post here.
Living with an addict is one of the hardest things there is. And until the addict decides to change, there is really nothing you can do.
Good luck. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Loveandmagic
Sorry for what you are going through
I left my husband (now ex husband) of 12 years due to his addiction. We have a son together. He did not really protest much. He moved 5 hours away (by choice) and sees DS twice a month on average, just for one day. He has been sober for a year, still does not see forest for the trees, and is lazy, selfish, and entitled.
I wake up every morning thinking that I have made a right choice.
It will get better. You can count your blessings that you did not marry that guy, and did not procreate with him. It is very common for addicts to be intense "soulmates". And then they easily move on to the next victim.
Sorry for what you are going through
I left my husband (now ex husband) of 12 years due to his addiction. We have a son together. He did not really protest much. He moved 5 hours away (by choice) and sees DS twice a month on average, just for one day. He has been sober for a year, still does not see forest for the trees, and is lazy, selfish, and entitled.
I wake up every morning thinking that I have made a right choice.
It will get better. You can count your blessings that you did not marry that guy, and did not procreate with him. It is very common for addicts to be intense "soulmates". And then they easily move on to the next victim.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Hi loveandmagic.
I feel like I have a similar story.
I believed that my fiancé was my soulmate, that we had a connection like no other, that we were perfect, that if she would just stop drinking then everything would be great.
I believed she was my one true love and that we were destined to live happily ever after.
This was not to be and honestly I'm starting to come to realize that the "perfection" may have been mostly in my head because I focused on seeing what I wanted to see. What happened is tragic, that is for sure.
I loved her and still love her very much. She passed away earlier this week and the feelings of grief and remorse have been at times overwhelming. I go from being ok to weeping and sobbing like a lost child.
Maybe you have been spared the heartache that I am currently experiencing. Maybe your Higher Power has placed their loving hands on you to save you the complete misery that comes along with watching the love of your life slowly kill themselves.
I am reminded of the three C's of Al Anon.
We didn't cause it
We can't cure it
We can't control it.
The only one who can change your boyfriends drinking is your boyfriend and only when he has reached his rock bottom
I hope that you can find some peace on this forum like I have. I also found much peace in the book called Codependent No More. It helped me realized that in trying to save someone who didn't want to be saved all I have done is harm myself - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Please keep posting and coming back to this forum. As they told me when I first posted, you are among those that understand you and what you are going through.
I feel like I have a similar story.
I believed that my fiancé was my soulmate, that we had a connection like no other, that we were perfect, that if she would just stop drinking then everything would be great.
I believed she was my one true love and that we were destined to live happily ever after.
This was not to be and honestly I'm starting to come to realize that the "perfection" may have been mostly in my head because I focused on seeing what I wanted to see. What happened is tragic, that is for sure.
I loved her and still love her very much. She passed away earlier this week and the feelings of grief and remorse have been at times overwhelming. I go from being ok to weeping and sobbing like a lost child.
Maybe you have been spared the heartache that I am currently experiencing. Maybe your Higher Power has placed their loving hands on you to save you the complete misery that comes along with watching the love of your life slowly kill themselves.
I am reminded of the three C's of Al Anon.
We didn't cause it
We can't cure it
We can't control it.
The only one who can change your boyfriends drinking is your boyfriend and only when he has reached his rock bottom
I hope that you can find some peace on this forum like I have. I also found much peace in the book called Codependent No More. It helped me realized that in trying to save someone who didn't want to be saved all I have done is harm myself - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Please keep posting and coming back to this forum. As they told me when I first posted, you are among those that understand you and what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
loveandmagic - I also am so very sorry for the pain you're in now.
As ariesagain said: sometimes the only cure is time. It's so so sad but it's true and time passes and the hurt will decrease and one day it will be gone. It fact, one day you may feel joy that you dodged the bullet of the chaos of living with an active alcoholic. I expect this seems utterly impossible but I can assure you - as can many others here - that it happens.
Also, as Lexie said - there isn't just one "soulmate" in life. Don't torture yourself with the thought that he was your one and only. That is utterly false. I thought it, too. Boy was I ever wrong! 1,000 percent wrong.
Someone who gets arrested, repeatedly, because of how he acts when drunk - who wakes up in a holding cell not knowing how he got there - this isn't a man with whom to plan a life and you KNEW it and your decision to leave him was smart.
It's good you are in therapy. I went to therapy also and it helped. That, and time. Hugs to you, and keep on posting, everyone here understands.
As ariesagain said: sometimes the only cure is time. It's so so sad but it's true and time passes and the hurt will decrease and one day it will be gone. It fact, one day you may feel joy that you dodged the bullet of the chaos of living with an active alcoholic. I expect this seems utterly impossible but I can assure you - as can many others here - that it happens.
Also, as Lexie said - there isn't just one "soulmate" in life. Don't torture yourself with the thought that he was your one and only. That is utterly false. I thought it, too. Boy was I ever wrong! 1,000 percent wrong.
Someone who gets arrested, repeatedly, because of how he acts when drunk - who wakes up in a holding cell not knowing how he got there - this isn't a man with whom to plan a life and you KNEW it and your decision to leave him was smart.
It's good you are in therapy. I went to therapy also and it helped. That, and time. Hugs to you, and keep on posting, everyone here understands.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 52
my heart breaks for you. Your reality has always been my life's greatest fear. It's what keeps me up at night, what makes me scream, beg, and plead... I'm so truly sorry.
You're right though, I'm starting to realize I really am sad for losing what COULD have been if he quit drinking, working in the service industry, hanging around enabling friends, repressing his issues.... but that is not the reality.
I truly thought the right love and support could save him... and I kept giving more and more, and got nothing but pain and insanity in return. And even though I know the three C's, I still feel like a failure, I still feel like I could have been better in a different way...
The world seems different to me now. I feel so much anger and resentment towards EVERYTHING bc of the existence of this disease and the pain and suffering it brings to so many people.
I truly cried for you when reading that your fiancé passed... bc it is the nightmare I pray to never become true, and I'm so immeasurably sorry that it came true for you.
Thank you for sharing with me.
You're right though, I'm starting to realize I really am sad for losing what COULD have been if he quit drinking, working in the service industry, hanging around enabling friends, repressing his issues.... but that is not the reality.
I truly thought the right love and support could save him... and I kept giving more and more, and got nothing but pain and insanity in return. And even though I know the three C's, I still feel like a failure, I still feel like I could have been better in a different way...
The world seems different to me now. I feel so much anger and resentment towards EVERYTHING bc of the existence of this disease and the pain and suffering it brings to so many people.
I truly cried for you when reading that your fiancé passed... bc it is the nightmare I pray to never become true, and I'm so immeasurably sorry that it came true for you.
Thank you for sharing with me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by HeartbrokenGuy 
Hi loveandmagic.
I feel like I have a similar story.
I believed that my fiancé was my soulmate, that we had a connection like no other, that we were perfect, that if she would just stop drinking then everything would be great.
I believed she was my one true love and that we were destined to live happily ever after.
This was not to be and honestly I'm starting to come to realize that the "perfection" may have been mostly in my head because I focused on seeing what I wanted to see. What happened is tragic, that is for sure.
I loved her and still love her very much. She passed away earlier this week and the feelings of grief and remorse have been at times overwhelming. I go from being ok to weeping and sobbing like a lost child.
Maybe you have been spared the heartache that I am currently experiencing. Maybe your Higher Power has placed their loving hands on you to save you the complete misery that comes along with watching the love of your life slowly kill themselves.
I am reminded of the three C's of Al Anon.
We didn't cause it
We can't cure it
We can't control it.
The only one who can change your boyfriends drinking is your boyfriend and only when he has reached his rock bottom
I hope that you can find some peace on this forum like I have. I also found much peace in the book called Codependent No More. It helped me realized that in trying to save someone who didn't want to be saved all I have done is harm myself - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Please keep posting and coming back to this forum. As they told me when I first posted, you are among those that understand you and what you are going through.
I feel like I have a similar story.
I believed that my fiancé was my soulmate, that we had a connection like no other, that we were perfect, that if she would just stop drinking then everything would be great.
I believed she was my one true love and that we were destined to live happily ever after.
This was not to be and honestly I'm starting to come to realize that the "perfection" may have been mostly in my head because I focused on seeing what I wanted to see. What happened is tragic, that is for sure.
I loved her and still love her very much. She passed away earlier this week and the feelings of grief and remorse have been at times overwhelming. I go from being ok to weeping and sobbing like a lost child.
Maybe you have been spared the heartache that I am currently experiencing. Maybe your Higher Power has placed their loving hands on you to save you the complete misery that comes along with watching the love of your life slowly kill themselves.
I am reminded of the three C's of Al Anon.
We didn't cause it
We can't cure it
We can't control it.
The only one who can change your boyfriends drinking is your boyfriend and only when he has reached his rock bottom
I hope that you can find some peace on this forum like I have. I also found much peace in the book called Codependent No More. It helped me realized that in trying to save someone who didn't want to be saved all I have done is harm myself - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Please keep posting and coming back to this forum. As they told me when I first posted, you are among those that understand you and what you are going through.
You're right though, I'm starting to realize I really am sad for losing what COULD have been if he quit drinking, working in the service industry, hanging around enabling friends, repressing his issues.... but that is not the reality.
I truly thought the right love and support could save him... and I kept giving more and more, and got nothing but pain and insanity in return. And even though I know the three C's, I still feel like a failure, I still feel like I could have been better in a different way...
The world seems different to me now. I feel so much anger and resentment towards EVERYTHING bc of the existence of this disease and the pain and suffering it brings to so many people.
I truly cried for you when reading that your fiancé passed... bc it is the nightmare I pray to never become true, and I'm so immeasurably sorry that it came true for you.
Thank you for sharing with me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Hi loveandmagic
I am truly sorry for what you are going through.
Someone much wiser than me told me when I first started this journey that if love was enough there would be no need for AA or Al anon or even these forums.
At first I was shocked at what seemed like a callous comment.
Now I have come to realize no amount of love or actions or worries on my part was going to save my fiancé from her fate. Only she could do that if she wanted.
One of the things I saw posted on the hundreds of pages of this forum was a quote that I don't think I'll forget for a long time
Givers must set boundaries because takers never do.
You sound like a very kind person and I believe in time you will realize this was not only what's best but what you truly wanted and deserved.
Don't fight to save someone and be part of someone's life who doesn't want to be saved.
The greatest love he may have shown you is sparing you the roller coaster ride of his continued downward spiral into oblivion.
Please do not beat yourself up. You did the best you could. Now it is time to refocus your energy on yourself.
What do you really want from life? A partner? Love?
I believed my fiancé was answering those questions.
A realistic look reveals it was more "if" "could" "maybe" rather than actual truth.
Keep posting and finding support from family and friends as well as Al anon
I am truly sorry for what you are going through.
Someone much wiser than me told me when I first started this journey that if love was enough there would be no need for AA or Al anon or even these forums.
At first I was shocked at what seemed like a callous comment.
Now I have come to realize no amount of love or actions or worries on my part was going to save my fiancé from her fate. Only she could do that if she wanted.
One of the things I saw posted on the hundreds of pages of this forum was a quote that I don't think I'll forget for a long time
Givers must set boundaries because takers never do.
You sound like a very kind person and I believe in time you will realize this was not only what's best but what you truly wanted and deserved.
Don't fight to save someone and be part of someone's life who doesn't want to be saved.
The greatest love he may have shown you is sparing you the roller coaster ride of his continued downward spiral into oblivion.
Please do not beat yourself up. You did the best you could. Now it is time to refocus your energy on yourself.
What do you really want from life? A partner? Love?
I believed my fiancé was answering those questions.
A realistic look reveals it was more "if" "could" "maybe" rather than actual truth.
Keep posting and finding support from family and friends as well as Al anon
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd also like to point out that your fiance isn't "doomed" to die of his disease. He just may have to spiral a lot further and lose a lot more before he is ready to do what he has to do. You don't know what his path may be. I've seen people with seemingly hopeless alcoholism recover. But it's on THEIR timeline, not yours. He may continue to spiral for another 10-20 years. Or more. Or maybe he never WILL get sober--it's impossible to predict.
You are spared the agony of having a front-row seat to his personal train-wreck, which he may or may not survive. YOU have a life to live, and if you were there with him, you wouldn't be living it.
So I'm not suggesting you should be counting your blessings just yet--you have to grieve the loss first--but keep in mind that there ARE blessings when you're ready to look around at them.
You are spared the agony of having a front-row seat to his personal train-wreck, which he may or may not survive. YOU have a life to live, and if you were there with him, you wouldn't be living it.
So I'm not suggesting you should be counting your blessings just yet--you have to grieve the loss first--but keep in mind that there ARE blessings when you're ready to look around at them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Its magical to fall in love with "potential" and easy to ignore reality. We focus on what could be and view what is as a needs fixing, needs mending and repair so then it will all fall into place as we want it to.
Often the real "potential" for an alcoholic is that they stop drinking and stay stopped with a great devotion to themselves and a commitment to a program that helps them. Because without that their only potential is one of loss. They lose jobs, they lose freedom by going to jail, they lose drivers license, they lose friends, etc. etc.
We can never gauge an alcoholics love for us by their commitment to get sober for us and have a life with us. Alcoholics can only get sober for themselves. I'm sure he loved you but his obsession for alcohol prevents him from loving you to the fullest as what would be a normal loving, caring mutually giving adult relationships. He's not capably of that right now and he may never be.
Step 1 in AA is..........We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.
Similar to your own recovery you need to admit that you are powerless over an alcoholic and that your attempts to fix them have made your life and emotions unmanageable.
Often the real "potential" for an alcoholic is that they stop drinking and stay stopped with a great devotion to themselves and a commitment to a program that helps them. Because without that their only potential is one of loss. They lose jobs, they lose freedom by going to jail, they lose drivers license, they lose friends, etc. etc.
We can never gauge an alcoholics love for us by their commitment to get sober for us and have a life with us. Alcoholics can only get sober for themselves. I'm sure he loved you but his obsession for alcohol prevents him from loving you to the fullest as what would be a normal loving, caring mutually giving adult relationships. He's not capably of that right now and he may never be.
Step 1 in AA is..........We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.
Similar to your own recovery you need to admit that you are powerless over an alcoholic and that your attempts to fix them have made your life and emotions unmanageable.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
