Boyfriend's drinking problem ruining relationship
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Boyfriend's drinking problem ruining relationship
hello everyone,
this is the first time i use a forum but i am at my wits end and need help!
I have a boyfriend that i have been with for a yr and a half. we have been living together for the last 9 months. we moved in together fairly quickly because he is in the military and we started speaking very early on about his rotation, which is summer 2017 and with my having a daughter (10 years old), i wanted to make sure with ample time that we would make the move to another state with him.
when we met we both went out with mutual friends and were up all night drinking and partying. shortly after, we decided to make it official and gave that life up. in the beginning he was very open about his feelings towards me when he drank, so clearly i didnt know what to make of it.
in november for his birthday and our 1st yr anniversary we went out drinking and bar hopping with friends. he became very drunk and started being disrespectful so after a couple of hours of taking it and ignoring him he dumped all of my belongings out of my purse and told me to pick all my stuff up on my way out. I became very angry and i hit him.
he called the police on me and i was arrested, placed on a court ordered restraining order and lost my job where i was making 60,000. he did all he could to get me home as soon as possible and once i returned i had a conversation with him regarding his drinking. he stated that he never wanted to be in that situation again and he would control it.
i decided that i would return hime, we talked finances and i have been extremely actively seeking employment but 5 months later have been unable to. i have a masters degree and have stooped down to applying for front desk positions for$13 but needless to say our relationship has not been in the best place since. all charges were dropped but i am in the process of expunging my case.
in late feb, early march, he tells me that hes going to get a few drinks with friends but since he said he was going to control himself, i needed to put him in the situation to prove it to me. instead he went out with friends and disappeared on me for hours. ignoring my messages and calls. when he got home he was in a completely different realm, talking to himself, mumbling and dropping things all over the place. i decided not to talk to him about it because he was drunk and wait till the next day.
the next day i noticed that his car was scratched like if he backed into something, he didnt remember. he also was not at a bar with his friends like he told me, he was at a strip club. In other circumstances i wouldnt care but if youre telling me that paying for all the bills has you running low on cash why are you spending it on strippers? the conversation got very intense and i told him that i could not take it anymore, amongst other things and if he didnt get help, i was leaving, i am not going to put my daughter through that.
he went to AA once and once he started seeing a psychologist he stopped going because he is not an "alcoholic". he went 3 times and missed the last 2 weeks. because finances are and an issue i told him id help him by giving him the money for therapy for every other week and that was our agreement.
we have been bickering a lot lately, about everything. hes stressed because he dont have money to go see his daughter who lives on the opposite coast and im stressed because i dont have a job. our intimate life is literally nonexistent despite my advances.
yesterday he tells me that hes going to a work picnic. hours later he tells me he went to hang ut with his friends from work. he disappeared again, ignoring my calls and texts again. my mom calls me to tell me about an accident that happened by my house and that one person had passed away and the street was blocked so obviously i get in my car to go find the accident. *he is well aware that i went through a lot a few years back when a friend that i had been out drinking with decided to drive home after having one too many and killed 3 people. (just including that for those that think im crazy for going to look for an accident).
when i came home after not finding the accident and calling the police, i see that he had just gotten home. i wake him up asking him what was going on. i let my emotions get the best of me and we started arguing pretty badly. he never talks much and he just screamed at me and started crying telling me that we are unhappy, to looks at us at how unhappy we are. clearly we are unhappy, we are under a lot of stress.
i tried talking to him (cause im an idiot) and he said he was done with the relationship and this miserable life, then he took back the miserable life part and said he wouldve held on longer till i got a job to see if we can get back to what we were but that i made him just say it and that he felt relieved to have said it. when i asked him why he didnt tell me even though ive asked him numerous times if we are ok (womens intuition) he would say yes but last night he said that he was still with me because of his own guilt of causing me to lose my job.
aside from his drinking, his going out with his friends bugs me because he doesnt take me out, he spends the day with me when hes not working helping my daughter with her homework, he helps around the house and lays on the couch binging tv shows with me but thats not quality time, staring at the tv and randomly blurring out stuff from the show is not quality time. we dont go on dates anymore, our intimacy is gone, theres not passion....just love.
my dad is an alcoholic and i dont want that for the rest of my life and for my daughter. hes an amazing man aside from this and i dont want to lose him but i dont now what to do.
sorry that its so long but Please help!
this is the first time i use a forum but i am at my wits end and need help!
I have a boyfriend that i have been with for a yr and a half. we have been living together for the last 9 months. we moved in together fairly quickly because he is in the military and we started speaking very early on about his rotation, which is summer 2017 and with my having a daughter (10 years old), i wanted to make sure with ample time that we would make the move to another state with him.
when we met we both went out with mutual friends and were up all night drinking and partying. shortly after, we decided to make it official and gave that life up. in the beginning he was very open about his feelings towards me when he drank, so clearly i didnt know what to make of it.
in november for his birthday and our 1st yr anniversary we went out drinking and bar hopping with friends. he became very drunk and started being disrespectful so after a couple of hours of taking it and ignoring him he dumped all of my belongings out of my purse and told me to pick all my stuff up on my way out. I became very angry and i hit him.
he called the police on me and i was arrested, placed on a court ordered restraining order and lost my job where i was making 60,000. he did all he could to get me home as soon as possible and once i returned i had a conversation with him regarding his drinking. he stated that he never wanted to be in that situation again and he would control it.
i decided that i would return hime, we talked finances and i have been extremely actively seeking employment but 5 months later have been unable to. i have a masters degree and have stooped down to applying for front desk positions for$13 but needless to say our relationship has not been in the best place since. all charges were dropped but i am in the process of expunging my case.
in late feb, early march, he tells me that hes going to get a few drinks with friends but since he said he was going to control himself, i needed to put him in the situation to prove it to me. instead he went out with friends and disappeared on me for hours. ignoring my messages and calls. when he got home he was in a completely different realm, talking to himself, mumbling and dropping things all over the place. i decided not to talk to him about it because he was drunk and wait till the next day.
the next day i noticed that his car was scratched like if he backed into something, he didnt remember. he also was not at a bar with his friends like he told me, he was at a strip club. In other circumstances i wouldnt care but if youre telling me that paying for all the bills has you running low on cash why are you spending it on strippers? the conversation got very intense and i told him that i could not take it anymore, amongst other things and if he didnt get help, i was leaving, i am not going to put my daughter through that.
he went to AA once and once he started seeing a psychologist he stopped going because he is not an "alcoholic". he went 3 times and missed the last 2 weeks. because finances are and an issue i told him id help him by giving him the money for therapy for every other week and that was our agreement.
we have been bickering a lot lately, about everything. hes stressed because he dont have money to go see his daughter who lives on the opposite coast and im stressed because i dont have a job. our intimate life is literally nonexistent despite my advances.
yesterday he tells me that hes going to a work picnic. hours later he tells me he went to hang ut with his friends from work. he disappeared again, ignoring my calls and texts again. my mom calls me to tell me about an accident that happened by my house and that one person had passed away and the street was blocked so obviously i get in my car to go find the accident. *he is well aware that i went through a lot a few years back when a friend that i had been out drinking with decided to drive home after having one too many and killed 3 people. (just including that for those that think im crazy for going to look for an accident).
when i came home after not finding the accident and calling the police, i see that he had just gotten home. i wake him up asking him what was going on. i let my emotions get the best of me and we started arguing pretty badly. he never talks much and he just screamed at me and started crying telling me that we are unhappy, to looks at us at how unhappy we are. clearly we are unhappy, we are under a lot of stress.
i tried talking to him (cause im an idiot) and he said he was done with the relationship and this miserable life, then he took back the miserable life part and said he wouldve held on longer till i got a job to see if we can get back to what we were but that i made him just say it and that he felt relieved to have said it. when i asked him why he didnt tell me even though ive asked him numerous times if we are ok (womens intuition) he would say yes but last night he said that he was still with me because of his own guilt of causing me to lose my job.
aside from his drinking, his going out with his friends bugs me because he doesnt take me out, he spends the day with me when hes not working helping my daughter with her homework, he helps around the house and lays on the couch binging tv shows with me but thats not quality time, staring at the tv and randomly blurring out stuff from the show is not quality time. we dont go on dates anymore, our intimacy is gone, theres not passion....just love.
my dad is an alcoholic and i dont want that for the rest of my life and for my daughter. hes an amazing man aside from this and i dont want to lose him but i dont now what to do.
sorry that its so long but Please help!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
This sounds like a very toxic situation, and unless he gets sober, it will only get worse and worse, and unfortunately, it will unless a miracle happens and he comes to his senses and stops drinking, which it sounds like he has no intentions of doing so.
I would get yourself and your kid out of this situation ASAP, this is not something you or your child should have to put up with.
I would get yourself and your kid out of this situation ASAP, this is not something you or your child should have to put up with.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
I quit reading after the part where he ordered a restraining order on you that resulted in you losing your high-paying job that you probably liked and needed.
I'm going to tell you something: it is entirely possible to care deeply and possibly love an active alcoholic from a safe distance. It requires you to be selfish, and that's ok. Especially if that selfishness protects you, you child and your other assets. If your partner eventually follows in your footsteps and cleans up, great. If not, at least you and your daughter are safe.
~Bunnez
~ .
I'm going to tell you something: it is entirely possible to care deeply and possibly love an active alcoholic from a safe distance. It requires you to be selfish, and that's ok. Especially if that selfishness protects you, you child and your other assets. If your partner eventually follows in your footsteps and cleans up, great. If not, at least you and your daughter are safe.
~Bunnez
~ .
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
First question... you still drinking?
Some of us are on both sides of the street...and a symptom of that condition is that it's much easier to see in others than in ourselves, which is why I ask.
Are there Al-anon meetings in your area?
Some of us are on both sides of the street...and a symptom of that condition is that it's much easier to see in others than in ourselves, which is why I ask.
Are there Al-anon meetings in your area?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Ollieorbits 
A member here used to say not every love is forever.
It doesn't sound like either of you are particular happy in this relationship
If you are having trouble deciding what to do, I'd focus on my daughter - what's best for her?
D
A member here used to say not every love is forever.
It doesn't sound like either of you are particular happy in this relationship
If you are having trouble deciding what to do, I'd focus on my daughter - what's best for her?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by thomas11 
Guys need "guy time". And it sounds like that bothers you. Quite honestly, the relationship does not sound healthy and you'd both probably do well to exit the relationship.
i believe you said the most with the least amount of words. you helped me realize that i have used the situation that happened back in november and have held it over his head by being strict and being bothered by "guy time" because in a twisted way i have believed that because he put me in this situation he should basically bow down and kiss my feet. and i am to blame for the situation just as much as he is. so thank you very much!!
our relationship as a whole has always been a happy one. we have always gotten along very well but this situation has seriously put a strain on us and since it was directly related to his drinking i have not given him the opportunity to get a grip on it without my constant nagging (symptom of my anxiety).
i feel that if we both get the help we need we can make it work.
thanks so much for your input.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Ollieorbits
A member here used to say not every love is forever.
It doesn't sound like either of you are particular happy in this relationship
If you are having trouble deciding what to do, I'd focus on my daughter - what's best for her?
D
A member here used to say not every love is forever.
It doesn't sound like either of you are particular happy in this relationship
If you are having trouble deciding what to do, I'd focus on my daughter - what's best for her?
D
thats actually a very good quote and even though none of us are particularly happy in the relationship right now my daughter has always been our number 1 focus. he knows he needs to get this controlled for both of our daughters but this whole situation has really put a strain on our once loving relationship. we have decided to try to work on ourselves as well as on our relationship till i am able to find a job and relieve some of the financial stress that we are under, hopefully we can get our relationship back on track. if not, theres always moving on. but like i told him, i can walk out of this relationship and move on to someone else, but he will always be an alcoholic with his daughter, his future gfs/wife, and himself.
we are usually really good together, he just needs to get a grip on this drinking thing and i need to get a grip on my anxiety.
thank you so much for your input.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
First question... you still drinking?
Some of us are on both sides of the street...and a symptom of that condition is that it's much easier to see in others than in ourselves, which is why I ask.
Are there Al-anon meetings in your area?
Some of us are on both sides of the street...and a symptom of that condition is that it's much easier to see in others than in ourselves, which is why I ask.
Are there Al-anon meetings in your area?
i randomly drink. my drinking has always been social, i just used to be a lot more "social" back in the day. i will have a beer or 2 in social settings.
there are meetings near here. we've been its just very difficult to relate because all of the people there would talk about how they think about drinking all the time, and wake up with a drink in their hand and go to sleep with a drink in their hand and how theyd only enjoy life when drinking. neither of us are like that so we didnt go anymore.
thanks for your input! much appreciated.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by bunnezjp
I quit reading after the part where he ordered a restraining order on you that resulted in you losing your high-paying job that you probably liked and needed.
I'm going to tell you something: it is entirely possible to care deeply and possibly love an active alcoholic from a safe distance. It requires you to be selfish, and that's ok. Especially if that selfishness protects you, you child and your other assets. If your partner eventually follows in your footsteps and cleans up, great. If not, at least you and your daughter are safe.
~Bunnez
~ .
I'm going to tell you something: it is entirely possible to care deeply and possibly love an active alcoholic from a safe distance. It requires you to be selfish, and that's ok. Especially if that selfishness protects you, you child and your other assets. If your partner eventually follows in your footsteps and cleans up, great. If not, at least you and your daughter are safe.
~Bunnez
~ .
tank you so much for your input. actually, he did not place a restraining order on me, it was court ordered, meaning the judge placed it. (its a policy in our state to place a 21 day restraining order on a DM case)-i apologize if i confused you on the original post. he actually fought really hard to get it removed. it says a lot when the state prosecutor pulls you aside to tell you "that man has been in my office everyday trying to get this dismissed". he filled out every form needed prior to the court hearing in hopes that i could go back home. he even told the police officers not to arrest me that night but he was doing his job. neither of us had any idea that any of this would happen.
ive replied to other posts with the same thing, my daughter is my number 1 focus. he is really good with her, he is very patient with her considering she has ADD and can be a bit much some times. he is an amazing step father, we just really need to get a grip on this drinking thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Forward12
This sounds like a very toxic situation, and unless he gets sober, it will only get worse and worse, and unfortunately, it will unless a miracle happens and he comes to his senses and stops drinking, which it sounds like he has no intentions of doing so.
I would get yourself and your kid out of this situation ASAP, this is not something you or your child should have to put up with.
I would get yourself and your kid out of this situation ASAP, this is not something you or your child should have to put up with.
thank you very much for your input. my daughter is always my number 1 priority. whenever we have had the conversation about the drinking i have always used our daughters as the primary focus. also him and i never drink around her meaning she has never seen us argue at all ever. i grew up with an alcoholic father and trust me i know she doesnt deserve that. we are at a very difficult time in our relationship and yesterday i actually took some time to think it over and aside from his drinking, i realized where i am at fault for the crumbling of the relationship. we plan on talking about a plan of action regarding his drinking and my unhealthy habits rooting from my anxiety.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,680
Hi Ollieorbits
Welcome to SR .
My dad was an alcoholic like your dad, so we both know what it was like for us growing up. He was a marvellous man if it hadn't been for his drinking. Was amazing when he was sober, but we was living on a knife edge constantly wondering his next binge and rows. It was a nightmare to grow up with.
Unfortunately until the drinker decides they need or want to quit nothing can be done to help.
Welcome to SR .
My dad was an alcoholic like your dad, so we both know what it was like for us growing up. He was a marvellous man if it hadn't been for his drinking. Was amazing when he was sober, but we was living on a knife edge constantly wondering his next binge and rows. It was a nightmare to grow up with.
Unfortunately until the drinker decides they need or want to quit nothing can be done to help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Mags1
Hi Ollieorbits
Welcome to SR .
My dad was an alcoholic like your dad, so we both know what it was like for us growing up. He was a marvellous man if it hadn't been for his drinking. Was amazing when he was sober, but we was living on a knife edge constantly wondering his next binge and rows. It was a nightmare to grow up with.
Unfortunately until the drinker decides they need or want to quit nothing can be done to help.
Welcome to SR .
My dad was an alcoholic like your dad, so we both know what it was like for us growing up. He was a marvellous man if it hadn't been for his drinking. Was amazing when he was sober, but we was living on a knife edge constantly wondering his next binge and rows. It was a nightmare to grow up with.
Unfortunately until the drinker decides they need or want to quit nothing can be done to help.
thank you very much for sharing that part of you with me and yes, thats exactly what it was like growing up with my dad. he was a very aggressive drinker, he constantly fought, screamed and disrespected us all. it was really hard. he always refused to get help. my boyfriend on the other hand agreed that he needs help and he started therapy. yesterday him and i spoke and i asked him why he hadnt gone to therapy in 2 weeks and he admitted to him that his funds were so low that he couldnt afford spending that money right now until i get a job and am able to help out with finances around the house. i asked him if he felt that therapy was too slow or if the therapist wasnt helping him he could get another therapist and he said no that he actually likes it so thats a good sign. he knows he needs help but having a sister thats a therapist, i was warned beforehand that even if someone wants the help, therapy makes you realize things you have been supressing which becomes very difficult for the patient and they usually withdraw, hopefully everything falls into place and he starts going again soon.
thank you so much for your input!
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,680
Hi Ollieortbits
I hope he finds a treatment therapy right for him. We are all different but for me, when I stopped drinking I found this site.
Dealing with life sober with no 'go to ' bottle does in fact open our eyes. Once we learn that there is a life after and without alcohol we can go on to have a life! If that makes any sense.
All the best, Mags. x
I hope he finds a treatment therapy right for him. We are all different but for me, when I stopped drinking I found this site.
Dealing with life sober with no 'go to ' bottle does in fact open our eyes. Once we learn that there is a life after and without alcohol we can go on to have a life! If that makes any sense.
All the best, Mags. x
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