Ituvia

I am making progress, albeit, slowly. Most days I KNOW that AXBF dumping me is a good thing and that I have issues that I need to work on but some days I feel worthless because a guy who is 38, who has never had a girlfriend, dumped me. Someone with a stable job, a great degree, works for animals, well known in the city. All because he says "he tried to make it work with me" but I am just too horrible to be with. Somehow he managed to smash my self-esteem or whatever was left of it. My T says it is alcoholic way of ending things. Not taking responsibility or even breaking up like an adult. Simply called his folks, his friends and then ran off.
This has created a wound which keeps opening up from time to time each day. Granted it's only been two and a half months, I am able to see that he is not right for me and I shouldn't hope for him to come back or make amends. How to deal with these feelings of rejection? Why do I still yearn to know what's happening? Why do I feel sad that he has not contacted me? Even if he does contact, my answer is going to be NO, but still the heart wants what the heart wants.

dandylion

Ituvia.....your interfered with his drinking....that makes you the "enemy"of his drinking. In a way, drinking is his mistress...his first love. He would have left, even if he was Alec Baldwin (and an alcoholic).....
You are measuring your self worth by the wrong yardstick....
You may have "broken up" two and a half months ago...but...a big but....you have not been on a straight grieving line, that long.....having contact with him...both directly, and indirectly....has put you back to square one, many times....
That you are making some progress proves that you are going to heal.....but, you know that it will take some more weeks to months...in stages....
You have been given so many techniques that can help with the letting go...I suggest that you make a list of all of those things and use the ones that you like the best.....

LexieCat

I think it's normal to feel anger/sadness at being "rejected"--just because it feels like someone has negatively judged us. What helps me is to consider the source. However "together" he might look on the outside, you know he isn't someone able to make good choices, right? He preferred drinking to his relationship.

Ituvia

Yes, I know he isn't likely to make the right choices but even to our friends, it looks like I am the only bad guy here.

Ituvia

[QUOTE=dandylion;6421981]Ituvia.....your interfered with his drinking....that makes you the "enemy"of his drinking. In a way, drinking is his mistress...his first love. He would have left, even if he was Alec Baldwin (and an alcoholic).....

You mean they leave anyone who interferes?

dandylion

Ituvia....this isn't a contest of who is the "good" guy or who is the "bad" guy....or who was the "worst" one....
Other people probably are not thinking about it, nearly as much as you imagine they are....There is a saying...."You wouldn't worry so much about what other people think about you, if you knew how seldom they do".....
Trust me, they are more busy struggling with their own issues, in their own lives.....

Becoming a happier person is the main goal that you have in front of you, now....
Keep the focus on you....
You may need to expand your social circle to include new friends...your own friends, anyway.....

abbccj03

First of all-hugs to you sweetie for what you are dealing with. I know all too well the feeling of not being worthy enough. Why am I not more than the alcohol? Why is our family not worth it? It is absolutely normal to feel this way. We have good days. We have bad days. It is grief we are feeling.

I have not had to deal with the rejection from his friends or family yet (well his sister but that is bc he is living with her now) But I am sure his friend/family will side with him bc they do not know of what we had to deal with. He looks awesome and amazing to most people on the outside. But I know the truth. I know the ugly side of what alcohol and anger does to a family. I can sleep at night bc I know I am not hurting my family with alcohol or anger.

I ended up blocking him on my cell last night bc I had sent him a message about when he was wanting to get the kids and 4 hours later he had not responded. Normally he responded within minutes. I started feeling anxious, confused, hurt, etc. So I had to say NOPE! Not gonna let him have that kind of control over me. I have peace this morning!

I wish peace for you, as well. It is hard to not feel hurt and pain or not feel lovable enough when dealing with and alcoholic. I am slowly learning that this is all on HIM and not bc I am not worthy of love. Those around him can either encourage him to try and be a better person- or they can keep him locked in the cycle of addiction so that they do not have to face their own demons.

HUGS!

LexieCat

Agree with dandylion. You need to make some new friends not associated with him. As for the old ones, it really doesn't matter what they think. You said, yourself, that the relationship was turning you into the worst version of yourself. That, in itself, makes it very, very good for YOU that it's over, right? I think living with alcoholism makes all of us less than the kind of people we want to be. Now the pressure of that is off and you can go back to being the best YOU--and an even BETTER you.

atalose

Rejection doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it means the other person FAILED to notice what YOU HAD TO OFFER.

And from what you have shared, this other person was never going to be able to see and hold onto what you had to offer because he is on a different path in life. And that path he chooses is one you know you don’t want to be on or belong on.

A lot of times we drive our feelings and emotions by what we tell ourselves. Look at the difference below….

Story #1 – I am worthless because an alcoholic who is 38 and never had a girlfriend before dumped me because he said I was too horrible to be with.

Story #2 – I am a stable person with a good stable job and college degree, I am responsible and honest and a good person. I have learned a valuable lesson in life from my relationship with an alcoholic. I learned about alcoholism and addict behavior and I will always have empathy for those who suffer from addiction but I will have that empathy from a distance.

It’s our attitude about ourselves and how we talk to that person looking back at us in the mirror!!!!!

As for hoping he makes amends, people don’t make amends for what they won’t admit to be true. He’s a long long way away if ever from any kind of real recovery where an amends might be heard.

I think the thinking with amends is that if they do make the effort to say I am sorry it shows they care about us and the silence shows they don’t…………..again, it’s all about the conversations we have with that person looking back at us in the mirror.

atalose

Are they telling you that you are the bad guy here or is that what you are telling yourself that you think they are thinking?

Ituvia

They(His friends, two of them) did tell me a week after the break up that I used him for money and never got married even though he wanted to etc but I've blocked them all on Facebook and other places. The mutual friends have distanced themselves mostly. The ones who support him, have stopped talking to me.

Forward12

I would look at this as a good thing. If you stuck around, things would have been nothing but misery.

Ituvia

I don't even know how to make new friends. I don't know how I made the old ones either Yes, it's good that it's over but just feel sad that it came to this. My T must be frustrated hearing me go over this again and again. In seven sessions, all I've done is talk about the rejection. I think my state of mind is this way because, I smelled the T-shirt I have of him and it just triggered so many memories. I was telling my T how powerful a trigger smell can be. I almost felt like a psycho sniffing his t-shirt

LexieCat

I'd get rid of the T-shirt and anything else belonging to him in your house. And why not do a little redecorating? Put on a new coat of paint, rearrange the furniture. Redo your bedroom.

Ariesagain

If you had dumped him, would you feel differently about it?

Ituvia

I thought about it too but I am not sure. It's partly my ego is hurt too, I think. My therapist asked me to think about it too. I don't know for certain. It's like how the hell did this guy dump me after begging me to take him back a 100 times and me taking him back a 100 times? And when he decided to dump me, he didn't even tell me that he wants to break up. He told his mom and friends and just came and took his stuff. No words. Nada.

Lexicat,
I am going to do JUST that. I have a t-shirt and two shirts and an empty perfume of his. Time to pack all this **** and throw it out. Too much of a trigger even if it's just sight or smell.

dandylion

Eventually....at a certain point in the acute grieving stages....a person becomes so weary and exhausted by the constant hurting....that they let go and actually start doing the things that bring relief...even just "patches" of relief....
At this point, they are willing to do what it takes.....
It is at this juncture, that the healing begins to pick up more speed....
It is sort of like the alcoholic who becomes so miserable and desperate that they are willing to do anything it takes to get sober....

The reality is, that, the way we humans are put together...the grief is felt as a connection to the "lost" person and that is why it is so hard to imagine letting go.....that is the way Nature has arranged it.....

I remember, well, when I reached that point, myself....I was lying on the carpet, listening to Linda Ronstadt singing "I haven't got time for the pain".....and asking the Universe to remove the pain from me....I think my words were something like this "F*** this damn pain...I am done with it and everything and everyone associated with it!!!" I was beyond tired of it...I was emotionally exhausted with it...anything...anything else...looked better.....(and it was)....

You may not be quite there, yet...I don't know...but, you must be getting a little closer than you were....

tomsteve

[QUOTE=Ituvia;6422051] I even left jobs because the boss mentioned my drinking was interfering with my work.

Refiner

I know how you feel. When dating this guy I was head over heels with, he ended up rejecting me (over and over again). He was good looking and very confident. He wasn't an addict (that I knew of) but I think he was a sociopath. I was a successful business woman in my late 30's, well paid, well traveled. He was in his 40's, lived with his elderly mother ,sponged off her and treated her horribly,, was jobless, had his cell phone turned off cuz he couldn't pay the bill, etc etc - WHAT A CATCH HUH!!! And HE dumped ME! And did it by way of the disappearing game like yours. I never really understood it and it took a VERY long time to get over. But I look back and see how damaged he was and how "sick" I must have been and am SO thankful it happened.

AnvilheadII

i want to gently remind you of the timeline as you reported it in your second thread here on SR:

Couple of weeks ago, we got into one of the fights and I kicked him out but begged him to come back after three days. In those three days, he had called his folks and told them I abuse him and he drinks because I fight so they intervened and asked me to break up. He came home and took all of his stuff and moved into a new place.

HE did not DUMP you. you kicked him out and he took you up on it. he stopped the break-up cycle between you.

you became addicted TO the cycle - come here! go away! you could shoo him off and he'd BEG to come back. you came to CRAVE that begging......it made you feel good. that was your DRUG.

there WAS NO rejection. he simply after 100 come here/go aways, decided not to go for 101.

there WAS NO rejection. it was simply time for the chaos and insanity of the relationship to end.

there WAS NO rejection. you simply aren't getting your FIX anymore.