Is my partner losing control? What should I do?
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 2
Is my partner losing control? What should I do?
Hello everyone, I am new here.
I come from the Netherlands and have some questions, I hope I can ask them here.
I come from a family, where both my mother and father where addicted to alcohol, badly, especially my mother. She would drink from morning to night, and not be able to walk, talk or anything.
Because I was just a child it influenced me in a huge way. I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) I have a strong fear that is related to alcohol, and other things that remind me of it. I really feel bad when people around me are sipping a drink. I have learned to not comment on it, at all, because I know my feelings about it are colored in a negative way. Friends and family should be able to have a drink right? I learned to try to ignore it and pretend they are just having a soda.
My partner also loves a glass of wine, or a cold beer on a hot day. When we met 5 years ago he had about two glasses each day. I learned to get used to it, and did not have fear anymore. His behaviour did not change from it and he seemed in perfect control. So that made me trust him.
Lately though, he has been suffering from a burn-out. He behaves very stressed out and is often angry and explosive. Little things can make him very upset constantly.
He has started drinking more as well..
I found out that he drinks about 1 or two cans of beer each day after work. And about 4 to 5 glasses of wine as well.
So each day 1/2 cans of beer + 4/5 glasses of wine. And I know that when I go to bed before he does, he drinks another glass, or maybe two. So I tend to stay up until he goes to bed.
This has induced huge anxiety in me, and lots of memories, nightmares and flash backs are happening. I do not know how to 'know' when its ok, and when its too much. I feel I cannot judge it because my experiences with alcohol are so dark and horrible that my view on it is just messed up.
I do feel though, that what he is drinking now, is too much. I fear to talk to him about it because I might get over emotional, and he often responds to that (my tears) with more stress and even anger.
What do you guys think? Is he an alcoholic now? Or do I overreact a little?
I must add to it that he does not look very drunk. Only a bit.. I guess sleepy.
Because of my past, I feel so much fear that I find myself loving him less and less. Because I am just afraid so much.
I know I do love him, but my own past gets in the way of dealing with the situation in an adult and balanced way.
How should I deal with it? Is he spinning out of control?
If the alcohol nightmare repreats itself again, I think I will not be able to deal with it. My childhood was filled with it, I cannot cope with more of that.
Much, many thanks in advance for any comment and help.
Juniper.
I come from the Netherlands and have some questions, I hope I can ask them here.
I come from a family, where both my mother and father where addicted to alcohol, badly, especially my mother. She would drink from morning to night, and not be able to walk, talk or anything.
Because I was just a child it influenced me in a huge way. I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) I have a strong fear that is related to alcohol, and other things that remind me of it. I really feel bad when people around me are sipping a drink. I have learned to not comment on it, at all, because I know my feelings about it are colored in a negative way. Friends and family should be able to have a drink right? I learned to try to ignore it and pretend they are just having a soda.
My partner also loves a glass of wine, or a cold beer on a hot day. When we met 5 years ago he had about two glasses each day. I learned to get used to it, and did not have fear anymore. His behaviour did not change from it and he seemed in perfect control. So that made me trust him.
Lately though, he has been suffering from a burn-out. He behaves very stressed out and is often angry and explosive. Little things can make him very upset constantly.
He has started drinking more as well..
I found out that he drinks about 1 or two cans of beer each day after work. And about 4 to 5 glasses of wine as well.
So each day 1/2 cans of beer + 4/5 glasses of wine. And I know that when I go to bed before he does, he drinks another glass, or maybe two. So I tend to stay up until he goes to bed.
This has induced huge anxiety in me, and lots of memories, nightmares and flash backs are happening. I do not know how to 'know' when its ok, and when its too much. I feel I cannot judge it because my experiences with alcohol are so dark and horrible that my view on it is just messed up.
I do feel though, that what he is drinking now, is too much. I fear to talk to him about it because I might get over emotional, and he often responds to that (my tears) with more stress and even anger.
What do you guys think? Is he an alcoholic now? Or do I overreact a little?
I must add to it that he does not look very drunk. Only a bit.. I guess sleepy.
Because of my past, I feel so much fear that I find myself loving him less and less. Because I am just afraid so much.
I know I do love him, but my own past gets in the way of dealing with the situation in an adult and balanced way.
How should I deal with it? Is he spinning out of control?
If the alcohol nightmare repreats itself again, I think I will not be able to deal with it. My childhood was filled with it, I cannot cope with more of that.
Much, many thanks in advance for any comment and help.
Juniper.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Juniper, I'm sorry you're so upset, and I can understand why. You have a lot of fear left over from your childhood which makes worry about how much your H is drinking so much worse.
Firstly, take some deep breaths and try to stay calm. You're not that little girl who had no power, you're an adult who can make decisions for yourself. You're not trapped.
Something seems to be going on with your husband. It might be the drinking alone, but possibly there's more to it than that. Do you feel confident enough to talk to him about it, even if he's annoyed at first?
I think talking to a counsellor will help with the stress, and also with making a plan for if things get worse. You might be able to go to counselling together, or him on his own.
As to whether he's an alcoholic; it's hard to say. He is drinking more than the recommended amount, which is bad for his health, and he's increasing his intake. Drinking after you go to bed is also not a good sign. Do you have any thoughts that he might be drinking before he comes home? But whatever you call him, he's upsetting you and that's the important thing.
Even if you feel anxious, try not to become his policeman, counting his drinks and trying to stay up so he can't have more. He'll do what he wants in the end, even if he has to hide it from you.
Have a look around the F&F forum and read the stickies at the top of forum page. You will learn you're not the only one in this situation.
Firstly, take some deep breaths and try to stay calm. You're not that little girl who had no power, you're an adult who can make decisions for yourself. You're not trapped.
Something seems to be going on with your husband. It might be the drinking alone, but possibly there's more to it than that. Do you feel confident enough to talk to him about it, even if he's annoyed at first?
I think talking to a counsellor will help with the stress, and also with making a plan for if things get worse. You might be able to go to counselling together, or him on his own.
As to whether he's an alcoholic; it's hard to say. He is drinking more than the recommended amount, which is bad for his health, and he's increasing his intake. Drinking after you go to bed is also not a good sign. Do you have any thoughts that he might be drinking before he comes home? But whatever you call him, he's upsetting you and that's the important thing.
Even if you feel anxious, try not to become his policeman, counting his drinks and trying to stay up so he can't have more. He'll do what he wants in the end, even if he has to hide it from you.
Have a look around the F&F forum and read the stickies at the top of forum page. You will learn you're not the only one in this situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 2
Thank you both very much for the replies. Its a relief to read some of other peoples thoughts about it.
I guess I am in the alcohol-panic modus a bit. He drinks too much but I should not panic about it. Right?
Would it be ok if I ask him to drink less?
I guess I am in the alcohol-panic modus a bit. He drinks too much but I should not panic about it. Right?
Would it be ok if I ask him to drink less?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Juniper, and welcome!
First off, I really recommend that you find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. It's a group for family/friends of alcoholics, to learn to heal from the damage that comes from another person's drinking. There's also a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics, which I've heard great things about, geared especially for those folks. I think controlling your own sense of panic will help you as you move forward.
I'd start off with a conversation with him about how worried you are about his drinking. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and am eight years sober, myself, and it's very hard to judge based on your description, whether he's headed that way. Not everyone who situationally overdrinks (in response to temporary life stresses) becomes an alcoholic. So I wouldn't say you have no cause for concern at this point, but a certain number of people DO become alcoholic after starting off that way, so I don't think your concern is baseless, either.
See what he says. See if he would be willing to talk about it in a calm way. Do NOT try to talk to him after he's had a few. You could tell him it seems like he's under a lot of stress and that his moods and the drinking are starting to concern you.
Some people can successfully cut back what they drink. Someone who's an alcoholic will not be able to--not for long, anyway. But his reaction to such a conversation might tell you a lot. If he's really stressed out, would he be willing to talk with a counselor? Or does he become super-defensive and angry that you would even suggest that he might be drinking more than he should?
First off, I really recommend that you find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. It's a group for family/friends of alcoholics, to learn to heal from the damage that comes from another person's drinking. There's also a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics, which I've heard great things about, geared especially for those folks. I think controlling your own sense of panic will help you as you move forward.
I'd start off with a conversation with him about how worried you are about his drinking. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and am eight years sober, myself, and it's very hard to judge based on your description, whether he's headed that way. Not everyone who situationally overdrinks (in response to temporary life stresses) becomes an alcoholic. So I wouldn't say you have no cause for concern at this point, but a certain number of people DO become alcoholic after starting off that way, so I don't think your concern is baseless, either.
See what he says. See if he would be willing to talk about it in a calm way. Do NOT try to talk to him after he's had a few. You could tell him it seems like he's under a lot of stress and that his moods and the drinking are starting to concern you.
Some people can successfully cut back what they drink. Someone who's an alcoholic will not be able to--not for long, anyway. But his reaction to such a conversation might tell you a lot. If he's really stressed out, would he be willing to talk with a counselor? Or does he become super-defensive and angry that you would even suggest that he might be drinking more than he should?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think now might be best time ever for you to address your childhood issues that revolve around alcohol and alcoholics with some one on one counseling and getting involved with an al-anon group.
It’s very hard to say whether or not your husband has a growing drinking issue but since alcohol and drinking in general trigger things in you, it’s best that you address that.
You certainly should be able to talk freely and without fear to your husband about your concerns of his drinking. But since you do have a fear of his anger about that, counseling for you is the way to begin to break away from fear and learn how to express your feelings and build the ability to stand up for your wants and needs.
It’s very hard to say whether or not your husband has a growing drinking issue but since alcohol and drinking in general trigger things in you, it’s best that you address that.
You certainly should be able to talk freely and without fear to your husband about your concerns of his drinking. But since you do have a fear of his anger about that, counseling for you is the way to begin to break away from fear and learn how to express your feelings and build the ability to stand up for your wants and needs.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hi JuniperMaple
Here's the thing... whether he is an alcoholic or not, his drinking is affecting you in a negative way.... THAT is 100% completely valid. You feel what you feel for whatever your reasons may be. You can't control his drinking or how he responds to your feelings, but you can control how you choose to react. You can choose to educate yourself and ask for help if you need it.
My father was a nonviolent alcoholic who never neglected or abused us...but set a very bad example. My mother is a codependant who is a wonderful human being, but she set a bad example as well. I married an alcoholic, became ridiculously codependent and set a bad example for my own children. It's a bad cycle and it doesn't stop until someone decides they are going to change it.
The others have made some good suggestions about counselling, Alanon and ACOA. I hope you look into those resources. Also a book called, "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie was a life saver for so many of us here. That book changed my life and saved my sanity.
I used to suffer horrible anxiety, have panic attacks and insomnia. I know how stressed out you are feeling and my heart goes out to you. You made a solid first step by reaching out here. I hope you stick around.
*hugs*
Here's the thing... whether he is an alcoholic or not, his drinking is affecting you in a negative way.... THAT is 100% completely valid. You feel what you feel for whatever your reasons may be. You can't control his drinking or how he responds to your feelings, but you can control how you choose to react. You can choose to educate yourself and ask for help if you need it.
My father was a nonviolent alcoholic who never neglected or abused us...but set a very bad example. My mother is a codependant who is a wonderful human being, but she set a bad example as well. I married an alcoholic, became ridiculously codependent and set a bad example for my own children. It's a bad cycle and it doesn't stop until someone decides they are going to change it.
The others have made some good suggestions about counselling, Alanon and ACOA. I hope you look into those resources. Also a book called, "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie was a life saver for so many of us here. That book changed my life and saved my sanity.
I used to suffer horrible anxiety, have panic attacks and insomnia. I know how stressed out you are feeling and my heart goes out to you. You made a solid first step by reaching out here. I hope you stick around.
*hugs*
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Juniper.....since you already have a diagnosis of ptsd....I suggest that you see your therapist and level with what is going on....
I am concerned, for you, that his drinking has increased to excessive amounts and he is explosive and becomes angry if you cry.....
Not allowing you to have your own emotions, in that way, sounds intimidating and controlling....that sounds abusive, to me....
Given the history that you have shared, I think that this is a toxic environment for you to be living in....."Love" or not....Sometimes it us impossible to live with others who we love...when it is damaging to us...
This, certainly sounds like a situation where you need to put on your own oxygen mask, first.....
Again, I would see the therapist, right away and follow the advice of him/her......
I am concerned, for you, that his drinking has increased to excessive amounts and he is explosive and becomes angry if you cry.....
Not allowing you to have your own emotions, in that way, sounds intimidating and controlling....that sounds abusive, to me....
Given the history that you have shared, I think that this is a toxic environment for you to be living in....."Love" or not....Sometimes it us impossible to live with others who we love...when it is damaging to us...
This, certainly sounds like a situation where you need to put on your own oxygen mask, first.....
Again, I would see the therapist, right away and follow the advice of him/her......
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