Newly separated, needing input
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Newly separated, needing input
I've been living on my own away from AH for a few weeks now. We still are in contact because we have 2 small kids and we are trying to have this be as least impactful on them as possible.
So far I have had highs and lows. I have told a few more people so feel like I have less of a cloud over me and a few more support outlets. When I am not in contact with him, I am so much less stressed! When I do talk to him i find myself analyzing every move and every word (probably unfairly so). I wonder if r is drinking, I wonder what he is doing, etc.
My plan was for this separation to be a "see how it goes" kind of thing. Not for sure the complete end of us but time to figure it out. And time for us to each work on ourselves.
So far he seems to be doing well with making progress towards bettering himself. I see him making good choices he wasn't making when I lived with him. But I am also realizing how little trust I really have with him. He has blown it so utterly and completely over 15 years that I just don't know if it is repairable. I trust nothing that he says, even the times he is likely being truthful. I just don't know what to do. He seems to be addressing his drinking, which is what I wanted, but I don't know if that is enough. The stress and anxiety I get from him wondering and worrying if he is telling the truth is overwhelming. Input anyone?
So far I have had highs and lows. I have told a few more people so feel like I have less of a cloud over me and a few more support outlets. When I am not in contact with him, I am so much less stressed! When I do talk to him i find myself analyzing every move and every word (probably unfairly so). I wonder if r is drinking, I wonder what he is doing, etc.
My plan was for this separation to be a "see how it goes" kind of thing. Not for sure the complete end of us but time to figure it out. And time for us to each work on ourselves.
So far he seems to be doing well with making progress towards bettering himself. I see him making good choices he wasn't making when I lived with him. But I am also realizing how little trust I really have with him. He has blown it so utterly and completely over 15 years that I just don't know if it is repairable. I trust nothing that he says, even the times he is likely being truthful. I just don't know what to do. He seems to be addressing his drinking, which is what I wanted, but I don't know if that is enough. The stress and anxiety I get from him wondering and worrying if he is telling the truth is overwhelming. Input anyone?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Thanks LexieCat. I'm just so SICK of waiting. I feel like I have been waiting a decade! Like how long is long enough?? Sometimes I feel like I am torturing myself!
Al anon is in my goals, but I have not been yet. I need to get myself into a routine of some sort.
My kids, age 5 and 2, are doing well. Right, wrong, or other....we did not really present this as a "Mom and dad are separating" kind of thing. Just that we have two places that we can stay now. My husband and I both have demanding jobs so the kids are used to sometimes staying with one parent or the other anyways- so this isn't too crazy for them. But it has been only a few weeks!
Al anon is in my goals, but I have not been yet. I need to get myself into a routine of some sort.
My kids, age 5 and 2, are doing well. Right, wrong, or other....we did not really present this as a "Mom and dad are separating" kind of thing. Just that we have two places that we can stay now. My husband and I both have demanding jobs so the kids are used to sometimes staying with one parent or the other anyways- so this isn't too crazy for them. But it has been only a few weeks!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
B,
It all takes time, you need to be patient. You need to build up your strength to do the next step, what ever that might be. I know working and have two little kids, you don't have time, but seeking some support for you will help.
You have enough on your plate, so stop worrying about him, if you can. He is a grown man and it really doesn't matter if he is lying or not. Let him be and take care of your kiddos!! Hugs my friend, keep moving forward, you are doing great .
It all takes time, you need to be patient. You need to build up your strength to do the next step, what ever that might be. I know working and have two little kids, you don't have time, but seeking some support for you will help.
You have enough on your plate, so stop worrying about him, if you can. He is a grown man and it really doesn't matter if he is lying or not. Let him be and take care of your kiddos!! Hugs my friend, keep moving forward, you are doing great .
I am in the same boat as you. Separated nearly a month from AH. The youngest kids are 7 and 10. He has raised my oldest since they were very young (almost 14 yrs) and so this separation is hard on everyone.
I have good moments and bad moments. I have not seen him in nearly a month but have to this Sunday. I am so nervous.
I, too, have obsessed with what he is doing, is he drinking, etc. I was using the find my phone app and tracking his every move to see if he was going to meetings, etc. I was still letting him control me even though he wasn't doing it. I was. So I deleted the app and blocked him on my phone. (I had sent a message requesting info about swapping kids and he never responded. Prior to last night he always responded within minutes) My mind kept wondering- is he drinking- is he feeling guilty n so is that why he isn't responding? So I just had to block and get my sanity back. IF he truly wants to see the kids- there are other ways he can reach me. Email, he can text the older girls, have his sister get in contact with me. But for my own sanity- I am still having to have almost complete detachment.
Hugs and support to you. It is so hard having to go through all of this. So glad you found SR. They are some truly wonderful people on here that gently guide and hold me accountable when I have a misstep. Keep posting and seeking out information.
I have good moments and bad moments. I have not seen him in nearly a month but have to this Sunday. I am so nervous.
I, too, have obsessed with what he is doing, is he drinking, etc. I was using the find my phone app and tracking his every move to see if he was going to meetings, etc. I was still letting him control me even though he wasn't doing it. I was. So I deleted the app and blocked him on my phone. (I had sent a message requesting info about swapping kids and he never responded. Prior to last night he always responded within minutes) My mind kept wondering- is he drinking- is he feeling guilty n so is that why he isn't responding? So I just had to block and get my sanity back. IF he truly wants to see the kids- there are other ways he can reach me. Email, he can text the older girls, have his sister get in contact with me. But for my own sanity- I am still having to have almost complete detachment.
Hugs and support to you. It is so hard having to go through all of this. So glad you found SR. They are some truly wonderful people on here that gently guide and hold me accountable when I have a misstep. Keep posting and seeking out information.
perhaps you need some new ground rules and boundaries during this separation.
are you both KEEPING the contact to only things regarding the children?
or are you drifting into - how was your day, did you get to a meeting? kind of stuff?
do you have a set schedule so that contact regarding the children is at set times or on set days? and are these conversations limited in length?
are you still sharing personal thoughts, feelings, wishes and hopes?
do you have a timeline of say SIX months to THEN take a pulse reading on things? like a day circled on the calendar?
think of it a bit like starting a new job - new place, new faces, new tasks to learn. but your new boss or supervisor doesn't ask you EVERY DAY hey how's it coming along? do you still like it here? nor does the FORMER employee call every day!!! etc etc.
new employees are usually given a 6 month probationary period, during which said employee goes about LEARNING new tasks and skills, as independently as possible. then, AFTER the six months are up, their progress is ASSESSED and the employee and supervisor sit down and DISCUSS how it went and what is NEXT.
are you both KEEPING the contact to only things regarding the children?
or are you drifting into - how was your day, did you get to a meeting? kind of stuff?
do you have a set schedule so that contact regarding the children is at set times or on set days? and are these conversations limited in length?
are you still sharing personal thoughts, feelings, wishes and hopes?
do you have a timeline of say SIX months to THEN take a pulse reading on things? like a day circled on the calendar?
think of it a bit like starting a new job - new place, new faces, new tasks to learn. but your new boss or supervisor doesn't ask you EVERY DAY hey how's it coming along? do you still like it here? nor does the FORMER employee call every day!!! etc etc.
new employees are usually given a 6 month probationary period, during which said employee goes about LEARNING new tasks and skills, as independently as possible. then, AFTER the six months are up, their progress is ASSESSED and the employee and supervisor sit down and DISCUSS how it went and what is NEXT.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Can you give yourself time limits and deadlines? Like "After sixty days have passed, I will re-evaluate my decision to leave (but not before then)"? Setting up rules is kind of like giving yourself permission to not check up and worry constantly - "I've set aside a time later to think about these things, so I'm not going to obsess over them now". If he's been screwing up consistently for 15 years, a complete 180 turn is unlikely (though not completely impossible). These first few weeks are really hard, so it it feels really rough - that's because it IS really rough.
Grandma and Grandpa are Family, but they live in their own home.
Auntie and Uncle, and C and K are Family, but they live in their own home.
Grandma is Family but she lives in her own home - and travels EVERYWHERE.
They're all still Family. They keep on being Grandma, Grandpa, Auntie, Uncle and Cousins even when we're not in the same place. And we all love you no matter where we are. It's the same with your Daddy and I.
And as for "how long is long enough?" It depends. Al-Anon helps build your tolerance for uncertainty, too. We'd all love to have a crystal ball that would show us exactly what the future holds. Is my partner gonna get sober? Will I have to go through a divorce? How will I know when that's the right move? It's the damn UNCERTAINTY of it all that used to wear me down. I'm great in an actual crisis, but it's much harder to be looking at an uncertain future. One of the best things, for me, about my Al-Anon experience is that it gave me the confidence to know that whatever happened, *I* would be OK. And I had the personal resources I needed to make a good life for myself. When I was no longer panicking about the what-ifs, it was much easier to make the choices I needed to make in a calm and rational way.
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