Ituvia

I was reading one of the threads about leaving an A and in the comments, Hardcore mentioned how she externalized her own shattered interior and I think it applies to me. I was so helpless, angry, resentful, frustrated and broke(physically, mentally and financially) that I was raging inside all the time and when things got out of control, I unraveled. I threw things at him, pushed/hit him when he’d get drunk, just lash out generally. THAT person is not me. Reacting that way is NOT OK. It’s gonna take a long time for me to return to sanity but I guess AXBF dumping me is a start.
Hardcore also said “I had expected him to rise to create parity. He made me fall to achieve the same goal.”
This sums up everything for me.

firebolt

I was very, very angry for a long time. I would give xabf the silent treatment to punish him, and be cold and callous towards him. When I learned about recovery, and could actually see my own faults rather than being so focused on his, it took me longer to forgive myself for acting that way and living that way than it took me to forgive him for the chaos. I am a happy, peaceful person - not that angry ogre I became!

I'm so glad you see your part...once we do - we can never go back, and we can hopefully never accept the circumstances that lead us there again!

LexieCat

Attagirl! This is progress! When you can see that you were both damaged, in your own ways, and maybe not capable of doing better at the time, you can let go of some of the anger at both of you. And yes--it is virtually impossible to do that when you are still wrapped up in the relationship. So the breakup truly does free you to start healing.

Ituvia

Thanks, you guys. I have been reading so much and there's just so much wisdom in this site. I believe I also have "terminal uniqueness" that alcoholics have and I felt that my situation is somehow different. But the more I read, the more I see myself in all these women and the more I believe that there is no rational way to dissect this situation.