Please help me to understand
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
Please help me to understand
Is it the alcohol addling the brain that makes them so deluded or is it a missing link in their personality?
I constantly catch mine lying. He's a compulsive liar and expert deflector. This morning I discovered he locked his son in his van (his son, we don't have kids together thank goodness), and went for a beer. He's going mad that he feels controlled... conveniently ignoring what he's done and that he lied about it when his son told me and he denied it.
I constantly catch mine lying. He's a compulsive liar and expert deflector. This morning I discovered he locked his son in his van (his son, we don't have kids together thank goodness), and went for a beer. He's going mad that he feels controlled... conveniently ignoring what he's done and that he lied about it when his son told me and he denied it.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
You'd have to know whether he lied before his alcoholism developed, but it sounds as if his personality is deficient. He doesn't seem to have a boundary that would, say, stop him locking his child in a van so he could have a drink.
What if anything are you thinking of doing about it? Your SS will probably tell his mother and I can just imagine the reaction.
What if anything are you thinking of doing about it? Your SS will probably tell his mother and I can just imagine the reaction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Alcoholism / Addiction has been aptly called 'a disease of perception'. I don't identify well with the 'disease' term for Alcoholism / Addiction, but I do recognize I have a 'condition' of mind and body, where I process alcohol and drugs different than people that can drink / use 'responsibly'.
Now that I have been FREE from drinking / using for enough time, I can easily see how the obsession/craving twisted my perception, my behavior, my demands to get my alcohol/drug, including the justification of leaving my daughter and niece in a McDonalds while I ran across the street to quickly down a few drinks. Complete irresponsible behavior, which I am now appalled at, but couldn't help at the time. (just one of un-countable examples of 'diseased' perception and un-justifiable behavior)
After 2 rehabs, numerous emphatic decisions to STOP the behavior, and a long time of face-in-the-pavement struggling, the only thing that brought about a complete inner renewal was working the 12 Steps of AA. Just going to meetings exposed me to the program, but actually Working The Steps was the only thing that changed me.
RDBplus3 ... Now - Happy, Joyous and FREE
Now that I have been FREE from drinking / using for enough time, I can easily see how the obsession/craving twisted my perception, my behavior, my demands to get my alcohol/drug, including the justification of leaving my daughter and niece in a McDonalds while I ran across the street to quickly down a few drinks. Complete irresponsible behavior, which I am now appalled at, but couldn't help at the time. (just one of un-countable examples of 'diseased' perception and un-justifiable behavior)
After 2 rehabs, numerous emphatic decisions to STOP the behavior, and a long time of face-in-the-pavement struggling, the only thing that brought about a complete inner renewal was working the 12 Steps of AA. Just going to meetings exposed me to the program, but actually Working The Steps was the only thing that changed me.
RDBplus3 ... Now - Happy, Joyous and FREE
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Well it’s said that the first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. They first deny the truth to themselves and as the addiction progresses they deny the truth to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning all become part of the addictive process.
Addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced, and unhealthy behavior patterns with abnormal obsessions and it simple cannot exist under normal circumstances. Without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality.
The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress.
I think the mistake loved ones make is in thinking and believing that logic and love can prevail over the insanity of addiction. We often think I’ll just have a heart to heart, I explain and show them how their behavior is not right and hurtful…………………..nope, it does not work that way.
I would suggest you find an al-anon meeting in your area and try attending. Al-anon is for the loved ones of alcoholics, it’s there to help you cope and understand that you are powerless over his addiction. I would also suggest that you research and learn as much as you can about alcoholism and addict behavior.
That is a scary and dangerious situation he put his son in, goes to show you, they will do anything to get that drink.
Addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced, and unhealthy behavior patterns with abnormal obsessions and it simple cannot exist under normal circumstances. Without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality.
The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress.
I think the mistake loved ones make is in thinking and believing that logic and love can prevail over the insanity of addiction. We often think I’ll just have a heart to heart, I explain and show them how their behavior is not right and hurtful…………………..nope, it does not work that way.
I would suggest you find an al-anon meeting in your area and try attending. Al-anon is for the loved ones of alcoholics, it’s there to help you cope and understand that you are powerless over his addiction. I would also suggest that you research and learn as much as you can about alcoholism and addict behavior.
That is a scary and dangerious situation he put his son in, goes to show you, they will do anything to get that drink.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If I were you, I'd get out in front of this and let the kiddo's mom know what happened, and what's going on at home. Wouldn't you want to know if YOUR child were put in a dangerous situation? One that is not unlikely to recur, given his father's drinking?
Lying is a knee-jerk protective mechanism for alcoholics. It protects their addiction and protects them from the consequences (or so they hope). It's not a matter of delusion in that instance. It's a conscious decision.
If I were asked to name ONE characteristic common to alcoholics, I'd choose lying. And if they aren't lying to others, they are lying to themselves.
Lying is a knee-jerk protective mechanism for alcoholics. It protects their addiction and protects them from the consequences (or so they hope). It's not a matter of delusion in that instance. It's a conscious decision.
If I were asked to name ONE characteristic common to alcoholics, I'd choose lying. And if they aren't lying to others, they are lying to themselves.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
I never lied, until I drank alcohol, for years; then I became expert at lying to myself and others.
But, the locking his child in a van to drink, that's a separate issue from lying. I did many abhorrent things under the influence of alcohol, but none involved the safety of, or cruelty to children, adults or animals. He may have then driven over the limit, thus placing his child (and others) at further risk.
I too agree that you should inform the child's mother of this event - if he locks a child in a van to drink.....what will he do next?
But, the locking his child in a van to drink, that's a separate issue from lying. I did many abhorrent things under the influence of alcohol, but none involved the safety of, or cruelty to children, adults or animals. He may have then driven over the limit, thus placing his child (and others) at further risk.
I too agree that you should inform the child's mother of this event - if he locks a child in a van to drink.....what will he do next?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ahh yes. This is a common theme on this board. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
It does not matter. The behavior and actions, all that matter, are what they are. The reason why just does not matter.
I hope you spend less time trying to focus on why, and more time getting support for YOU, and that poor child he did that to.
Hugs. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
It does not matter. The behavior and actions, all that matter, are what they are. The reason why just does not matter.
I hope you spend less time trying to focus on why, and more time getting support for YOU, and that poor child he did that to.
Hugs. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
I can't tell you how much it helps for me to hear all this. I don't feel so alone.
I've felt like I've been hiding the effect his alcoholism has been having on our relationship for too long and the wheels have come off.
He's currently sulking because the new obsession is a car that I won't let him buy because it has problems that would cost us money but because it's fast and he WANTS IT it doesn't seem to matter. This is the guy with two dui's and very expensive insurance just on a work van. Being an addict he won't see the problems and blames me for it being a shed and not letting him waste money on it.
Sons mum is aware. I made sure of it. She and he split over the drinking and she was with him when he was better than this but is well aware of what he's like. Son also told her. That's the thing, he could have taken him in with him it's a family friendly pub but because he was hiding his need for a drink he tried to lie to us all.
He thinks we are all stupid.
I've felt like I've been hiding the effect his alcoholism has been having on our relationship for too long and the wheels have come off.
He's currently sulking because the new obsession is a car that I won't let him buy because it has problems that would cost us money but because it's fast and he WANTS IT it doesn't seem to matter. This is the guy with two dui's and very expensive insurance just on a work van. Being an addict he won't see the problems and blames me for it being a shed and not letting him waste money on it.
Sons mum is aware. I made sure of it. She and he split over the drinking and she was with him when he was better than this but is well aware of what he's like. Son also told her. That's the thing, he could have taken him in with him it's a family friendly pub but because he was hiding his need for a drink he tried to lie to us all.
He thinks we are all stupid.
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